When you confronted it, left and now he feels the pain of what he did
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
When you confronted it, left and now he feels the pain of what he did
I've been gone almost a year from my husband. Fled last July 4th because his alcohol and other addictions and verbal abuse became intolerable.
Filed for divorce, and we signed the papers in April, waiting for the Judge to sign them.
Rebuilding my life, on my own. Went through emotional hell to get here, but I am happy, contented on my own.
Now I have been back to the house we co-own doing the work we have to do to get it ready to sell. No way out but to be there and do it until it is done or the financial loss will be huge. When you're in h%ll, keep on going as Churchill said.
Now he has cut way way back on his drinking and his thinking is returning to rational. He is not the psychotic abusive man he was a year ago. His brain is not pickled anymore.
He is greatly remorseful about what he did. He wants me back. He has apologized and said he thinks he just went crazy. He is so so sorry for what he did and how he treated me. It is genuine.
He asked me to take him back, on my terms, to let him court me. I was kind to him, but I went home and signed an offer to buy a small home in the new town I have fallen in love with.
As I drove home again today, having been at the house with him doing the necessary work, I think I carried his grief home with me. I feel so bad, so unbelievably sad and grief-stricken that this has happened. I am seeing our 20 years of marriage dismantled before me, room by room, box by box, as we clear out the house we built together.
All I could do on the way home was cry and cry and cry. What came to my mind is that I am so so very very sorry, and that i cannot take the burden back on my back of living with him again and carrying his sorrow and his anger.
Will this pain never end? The man I liked, I laughed with, I loved, has returned, chastened and remorseful but I appear to be gone.
I don't know if I can make it on my own financially, and my age is against me, but I seem to be following God's path for me, and all I can do is trust and believe that what I need will be provided. It is not going to be an easy path for me ahead financially. I seem to be doing what I need to do to try my best to deal with it.
My boundaries for other people's feelings are very permeable. He is not inflicting his feelings on me. I am just so aware of how alone he is, and I understand how that came to be, but it makes me so full of sorrow as I see myself treat him with compassion, but drive home alone.
How do I deal with these feelings? I miss him so much, the good parts, the humor, the wit, the light of intelligence that is again in his eyes.
But still I get into my car and push "Go home" on the GPS and drive away without him to a life I have not let him enter. How can this be so d#mn hard to love him, begin to find him again, and yet leave him? And to have to tell him that I will not, cannot come back, even as I face the loneliness of living without him? Yet every day I get into the car and "Go home".
ShootingStar1
Filed for divorce, and we signed the papers in April, waiting for the Judge to sign them.
Rebuilding my life, on my own. Went through emotional hell to get here, but I am happy, contented on my own.
Now I have been back to the house we co-own doing the work we have to do to get it ready to sell. No way out but to be there and do it until it is done or the financial loss will be huge. When you're in h%ll, keep on going as Churchill said.
Now he has cut way way back on his drinking and his thinking is returning to rational. He is not the psychotic abusive man he was a year ago. His brain is not pickled anymore.
He is greatly remorseful about what he did. He wants me back. He has apologized and said he thinks he just went crazy. He is so so sorry for what he did and how he treated me. It is genuine.
He asked me to take him back, on my terms, to let him court me. I was kind to him, but I went home and signed an offer to buy a small home in the new town I have fallen in love with.
As I drove home again today, having been at the house with him doing the necessary work, I think I carried his grief home with me. I feel so bad, so unbelievably sad and grief-stricken that this has happened. I am seeing our 20 years of marriage dismantled before me, room by room, box by box, as we clear out the house we built together.
All I could do on the way home was cry and cry and cry. What came to my mind is that I am so so very very sorry, and that i cannot take the burden back on my back of living with him again and carrying his sorrow and his anger.
Will this pain never end? The man I liked, I laughed with, I loved, has returned, chastened and remorseful but I appear to be gone.
I don't know if I can make it on my own financially, and my age is against me, but I seem to be following God's path for me, and all I can do is trust and believe that what I need will be provided. It is not going to be an easy path for me ahead financially. I seem to be doing what I need to do to try my best to deal with it.
My boundaries for other people's feelings are very permeable. He is not inflicting his feelings on me. I am just so aware of how alone he is, and I understand how that came to be, but it makes me so full of sorrow as I see myself treat him with compassion, but drive home alone.
How do I deal with these feelings? I miss him so much, the good parts, the humor, the wit, the light of intelligence that is again in his eyes.
But still I get into my car and push "Go home" on the GPS and drive away without him to a life I have not let him enter. How can this be so d#mn hard to love him, begin to find him again, and yet leave him? And to have to tell him that I will not, cannot come back, even as I face the loneliness of living without him? Yet every day I get into the car and "Go home".
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
ShootingStar, you were damaged by the man, but, had enough of a sense of self-preservation--some primitive drive for survival left that enabled you to get out in time to save yourself.
Many of us have lost a partner (mine, recently to sudden death) and lost out homes--watched it disappear--room by room--as we pack for departure. Close a chapter that will, forevermore exist only in our memories. Racked with waves of grief, at times and marveling at how surreal it all feels.
And, then we get up in the morning; make our coffee and walk the dogs. Facing forward by some force within us that says: "Life"; "Go Forward".....and we do.
dandylion
Many of us have lost a partner (mine, recently to sudden death) and lost out homes--watched it disappear--room by room--as we pack for departure. Close a chapter that will, forevermore exist only in our memories. Racked with waves of grief, at times and marveling at how surreal it all feels.
And, then we get up in the morning; make our coffee and walk the dogs. Facing forward by some force within us that says: "Life"; "Go Forward".....and we do.
dandylion
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
I'm so very sorry you're feeling so sad tonight, ShootingStar. 
As you said, you are following God's path for you, even though I know it is so difficult for you right now. If you are meant to end up back with him, you will. But I don't believe it is meant to be at this point in time. I think you are both meant to learn different lessons right now, on your own. Sending great big (((((HUGS))))) your way tonight.
As you said, you are following God's path for you, even though I know it is so difficult for you right now. If you are meant to end up back with him, you will. But I don't believe it is meant to be at this point in time. I think you are both meant to learn different lessons right now, on your own. Sending great big (((((HUGS))))) your way tonight.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
Many hugs, ShootingStar.
I have a hard time imagining what it would be like to spend time with my XAH again right now, and especially if he were acting completely rational and loving again. I did have some glimpses of that with him last year, but he couldn't keep the wool over my eyes for long. He was not really healthy, although he was much better than before. I am still sad many days about the loss of our lives together. When we were good, we were great. But, I know that I won't be with him again. If / when I see him again, I hope he is lucid, rational, and well. I left because I could not be witness to his self-destruction, and I could not help him. If he is well, then that part of my grief may be lifted. But, I will mourn the loss of our relationship regardless. It is what it is... And I'm moving forward. If he's well, he can move forward too. That's all we can hope for, I think.
Gently,
Fathom
I have a hard time imagining what it would be like to spend time with my XAH again right now, and especially if he were acting completely rational and loving again. I did have some glimpses of that with him last year, but he couldn't keep the wool over my eyes for long. He was not really healthy, although he was much better than before. I am still sad many days about the loss of our lives together. When we were good, we were great. But, I know that I won't be with him again. If / when I see him again, I hope he is lucid, rational, and well. I left because I could not be witness to his self-destruction, and I could not help him. If he is well, then that part of my grief may be lifted. But, I will mourn the loss of our relationship regardless. It is what it is... And I'm moving forward. If he's well, he can move forward too. That's all we can hope for, I think.
Gently,
Fathom
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
What he's doing is normal. Many alcoholics, including mine, pull it together at the last minute to try and win us back. Mine was successful in tricking me into several more years of pure hell. Good on you for not making the same mistake.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((ShootingStar)))))
I do understand. However, I can also tell you (from the alcoholic side of me, lol) that what he is experiencing are the CONSEQUENCES of his actions. Sure, he has 'cut way back' BUT he is still drinking.
He can present THIS FACE for only so long, and then the one you have known these past years will return.
Yes, this is his LAST DITCH effort to get 'his enabler' back (and no you are not now an enabler). He has a little bit, yes just a little, of an inkling that he has lost the BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO HIM, but not enough of one to maintain his present facade.
You will see the facade slipping periodically while you two finish getting the house ready for sale.
Yes, it is okay to 'feel' sad for him. However, feel GOOD about you and where you are headed. If you have any doubt of that, go read your early threads on here. You have GROWN IMMENSELY in this past year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Give yourself the 'sad time', no more than an hour at a time, and then look to your beautiful future.
Congratulations on buying a home for you and your fur kid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love and hugs,
I do understand. However, I can also tell you (from the alcoholic side of me, lol) that what he is experiencing are the CONSEQUENCES of his actions. Sure, he has 'cut way back' BUT he is still drinking.
He can present THIS FACE for only so long, and then the one you have known these past years will return.
Yes, this is his LAST DITCH effort to get 'his enabler' back (and no you are not now an enabler). He has a little bit, yes just a little, of an inkling that he has lost the BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO HIM, but not enough of one to maintain his present facade.
You will see the facade slipping periodically while you two finish getting the house ready for sale.
Yes, it is okay to 'feel' sad for him. However, feel GOOD about you and where you are headed. If you have any doubt of that, go read your early threads on here. You have GROWN IMMENSELY in this past year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Give yourself the 'sad time', no more than an hour at a time, and then look to your beautiful future.
Congratulations on buying a home for you and your fur kid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by Hammer 
Might be reading things backwards.
He dried up (at least mostly?) and returned to human in the year apart.
Apart may be the best for everyone, including him.
He dried up (at least mostly?) and returned to human in the year apart.
Apart may be the best for everyone, including him.
We weren't good together; apart seems to be the very best thing for us both.
It IS sad, ShootingStar. There is no way around that one. I still feel that sadness for what could have been...I think its normal.
Peace to you today,
~T
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Our stories continue to mirror each other's star. What path you take now is completely up to you, and what is best for you.
I have decided he was having a type of...midlife crisis for lack of better words. Not alcoholic (as in can never touch the stuff again) and not addicted to things we have talked about, but simply out of control with testing his...ego...and mine.
Power plays...and all the rest, with all of my contributing madness.
I think there are conditions and times in life when alcohol can be severely abused, but the drinker can return to some normal consumption, but during those times, it sure mirrored the type of drinking which we call alcoholism, in which the drinker should never touch it again.
That's the view I have taken for my situation. Yours seems to be similar, but of course won't exactly be the same.
I took him off the pedestal. I took myself off a pedestal.
You are continuing to do what is best for you...and just remember there are no emergencies in life besides stopping young children from running in front of cars!
Even with a divorce the future between you and him is unwritten, if you ever want some form of a relationship with him.
You need time to continue to heal from what has transpired, and that healing will lead you to a place with strong boundaries, no matter what else. Money or no money. You will never be that vulnerable again to that kind of pain, because you will be always looking out for yourself, protecting yourself, and knowing where your center is, your serenity. See...nobody can take that away from you! You've learned that skill to protect yourself for the rest of your life...and you'll never be down that type of hellish road ever again...you'd never let it happen. You have that self-protection forever now star, no matter what else transpires.
How do you deal with those feelings, you asked?
I think you tell him the truth. The pain is still there, and you have to protect yourself. Maybe we can have a friendship, (if you feel like saying that!) But right now, no. You need time...and tell him that. You sure don't work on his time, you have to work on your own.
It's time for your time.
I have decided he was having a type of...midlife crisis for lack of better words. Not alcoholic (as in can never touch the stuff again) and not addicted to things we have talked about, but simply out of control with testing his...ego...and mine.
Power plays...and all the rest, with all of my contributing madness.
I think there are conditions and times in life when alcohol can be severely abused, but the drinker can return to some normal consumption, but during those times, it sure mirrored the type of drinking which we call alcoholism, in which the drinker should never touch it again.
That's the view I have taken for my situation. Yours seems to be similar, but of course won't exactly be the same.
I took him off the pedestal. I took myself off a pedestal.
You are continuing to do what is best for you...and just remember there are no emergencies in life besides stopping young children from running in front of cars!
Even with a divorce the future between you and him is unwritten, if you ever want some form of a relationship with him.
You need time to continue to heal from what has transpired, and that healing will lead you to a place with strong boundaries, no matter what else. Money or no money. You will never be that vulnerable again to that kind of pain, because you will be always looking out for yourself, protecting yourself, and knowing where your center is, your serenity. See...nobody can take that away from you! You've learned that skill to protect yourself for the rest of your life...and you'll never be down that type of hellish road ever again...you'd never let it happen. You have that self-protection forever now star, no matter what else transpires.
How do you deal with those feelings, you asked?
I think you tell him the truth. The pain is still there, and you have to protect yourself. Maybe we can have a friendship, (if you feel like saying that!) But right now, no. You need time...and tell him that. You sure don't work on his time, you have to work on your own.
It's time for your time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
ShootingStar,
I'm so sorry you are feeling such pain and sadness. He has shown you a glimpse of the person he used to be when things were much different between you. But it is just that....a glimpse. He is very alone, and that must be heartbreaking to know and observe...but he also behaved in a way so atrocious that drives people away for their very own survival and sanity.
It is not for me to say that he is not on a path to becoming kind and decent and sober. If he is, he's not very far along yet. Certainly, he is not in a healthy place where he could bring much to the table as far as a relationship goes.
He has steps to follow just like you have followed your steps. Maybe he will, on his own, catch up to you and your remarkable recovery. Time will tell.
I know that I have felt great sadness this week seeing my STBAXH...he seems very alone and a bit lost. So, I can relate to where you are.
Stay strong and take good care of you.
Hugs,
MamaKit
I'm so sorry you are feeling such pain and sadness. He has shown you a glimpse of the person he used to be when things were much different between you. But it is just that....a glimpse. He is very alone, and that must be heartbreaking to know and observe...but he also behaved in a way so atrocious that drives people away for their very own survival and sanity.
It is not for me to say that he is not on a path to becoming kind and decent and sober. If he is, he's not very far along yet. Certainly, he is not in a healthy place where he could bring much to the table as far as a relationship goes.
He has steps to follow just like you have followed your steps. Maybe he will, on his own, catch up to you and your remarkable recovery. Time will tell.
I know that I have felt great sadness this week seeing my STBAXH...he seems very alone and a bit lost. So, I can relate to where you are.
Stay strong and take good care of you.
Hugs,
MamaKit
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