Been going round in circles for 10+ years
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 2
Been going round in circles for 10+ years
Not sure how to start this post, maybe with a bit of background info...
So, I'm 25. Live at home with my parents still. My mum is an alcoholic. We generally have a happy house, no obvious problems between the family - apart from this.
Her alcoholism is something that happened over time, she used to enjoy a drink (like most people), then quit smoking and replaced it with drinking.
She was banned from driving about 6 years ago because was caught drink driving with my young cousin and niece in the car.
She can go weeks without binging, but when it happens, I can go a week without seeing her sober. She has stolen money from me & my dad to fund her drinking while she has been out of a job. She hides drink & lies about drinking.
2 weeks ago, she binged. 5 days constantly paraletic. Litres of vodka a day.
As a consequence of this, she was violently ill when she finally did stop drinking and for a couple of days after. The reason she stopped was because she scared herself for the first time in 10 years. She started bleeding from her rear end, we're unsure if it's drink related, but it shocked her.
After this episode, she decided she needed to do something about this. She didn't want to continue this lifestyle because she "never wanted to feel that ill again". We went to the doctors (which was very unhelpful!! 2 minute conversion just saying go to AA) She managed to stay away from drink for 6 days. Drank non alcoholic beer & wine. All very positive! This was the first time she has ever wanted to stop (even tho the reasoning wasnt quite what it should have been...!)
Yesterday however, she snuck out of the house while by dad was there - went to the shop and brought a bottle of gin and managed to drink most of it before coming home.
Massive argument followed. Dad angry & let down by her, me the same. It's impossible to be supportive when you are just lied to constantly.
Today, I'm at work worrying about going home because if she has been drinking again I'm scared what will happen.
By the way, I'm still living with my parents because my dad needs me there for times like this. He is 17 years older than my mum (him 65, her 48) and he holds down a manual full time job still, even though he was due to retire last december. When mum is on a bender, I'm there to do the cooking and cleaning.
I'm really not sure the purpose of this post, its the first time I've ever wrote down whats happening.
I don't know where to go from here - how do we make my mum realise that she hurts us every time she lies or drinks?
So, I'm 25. Live at home with my parents still. My mum is an alcoholic. We generally have a happy house, no obvious problems between the family - apart from this.
Her alcoholism is something that happened over time, she used to enjoy a drink (like most people), then quit smoking and replaced it with drinking.
She was banned from driving about 6 years ago because was caught drink driving with my young cousin and niece in the car.
She can go weeks without binging, but when it happens, I can go a week without seeing her sober. She has stolen money from me & my dad to fund her drinking while she has been out of a job. She hides drink & lies about drinking.
2 weeks ago, she binged. 5 days constantly paraletic. Litres of vodka a day.
As a consequence of this, she was violently ill when she finally did stop drinking and for a couple of days after. The reason she stopped was because she scared herself for the first time in 10 years. She started bleeding from her rear end, we're unsure if it's drink related, but it shocked her.
After this episode, she decided she needed to do something about this. She didn't want to continue this lifestyle because she "never wanted to feel that ill again". We went to the doctors (which was very unhelpful!! 2 minute conversion just saying go to AA) She managed to stay away from drink for 6 days. Drank non alcoholic beer & wine. All very positive! This was the first time she has ever wanted to stop (even tho the reasoning wasnt quite what it should have been...!)
Yesterday however, she snuck out of the house while by dad was there - went to the shop and brought a bottle of gin and managed to drink most of it before coming home.
Massive argument followed. Dad angry & let down by her, me the same. It's impossible to be supportive when you are just lied to constantly.
Today, I'm at work worrying about going home because if she has been drinking again I'm scared what will happen.
By the way, I'm still living with my parents because my dad needs me there for times like this. He is 17 years older than my mum (him 65, her 48) and he holds down a manual full time job still, even though he was due to retire last december. When mum is on a bender, I'm there to do the cooking and cleaning.
I'm really not sure the purpose of this post, its the first time I've ever wrote down whats happening.
I don't know where to go from here - how do we make my mum realise that she hurts us every time she lies or drinks?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I don't have any brilliant advice for you sweetheart.
I am from the other side.
What I would say is that there are some fantastic, wise, supportive people who post on here, who will be along soon to offer advice.
Keep strong
My best to you
xx
I am from the other side.
What I would say is that there are some fantastic, wise, supportive people who post on here, who will be along soon to offer advice.
Keep strong
My best to you
xx
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sorry you and your family are having to deal with all of this. Actually, the AA advice was golden. Did she take it? Or is she trying to get sober and stay that way on her own?
If she is willing to hear somebody out, you can call the number for AA and they will send a couple of women over to talk to her. Often a sober alcoholic can get through to another alcoholic much more effectively than anyone else.
Meantime I hope YOU (and your dad, if he is willing) will find an Al-Anon group. It will help you to feel much less alone in dealing with the effects of living with an alcoholic in the family, and give you some great tools for improving the quality of your own life.
If she is willing to hear somebody out, you can call the number for AA and they will send a couple of women over to talk to her. Often a sober alcoholic can get through to another alcoholic much more effectively than anyone else.
Meantime I hope YOU (and your dad, if he is willing) will find an Al-Anon group. It will help you to feel much less alone in dealing with the effects of living with an alcoholic in the family, and give you some great tools for improving the quality of your own life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 2
Hi Lexie Cat,
She didn't really take the AA advise. She makes excuses like "its too far on the bus/ bus times are unreliable" for meetings and fitting it around her part time job is also difficult...!
I may try calling AA myself, I've put up with it for so long now and I'm just stuck! I should be able to live my own life without worrying if she is sober or not.
I have just been googling Al-Anon, think there is only one place locally which meets on a Tuesday, so think I may pop along next week - I'm scared.
She didn't really take the AA advise. She makes excuses like "its too far on the bus/ bus times are unreliable" for meetings and fitting it around her part time job is also difficult...!
I may try calling AA myself, I've put up with it for so long now and I'm just stuck! I should be able to live my own life without worrying if she is sober or not.
I have just been googling Al-Anon, think there is only one place locally which meets on a Tuesday, so think I may pop along next week - I'm scared.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome
Welcome to the SR family!
Please make yourself at home by reading, posting and venting when needed. We are here to support you, and you are not alone!
I am always finding encouragement when I read the posts of members who have already walked the path I am currently walking. Here on SR, some of our stories are preserved in permanent posts (called Sticky Posts). The Stickies are at the top of this main page and marked with a small padlock symbol in the left column.
Here is one of my favorite Sticky Posts. This information helped me while living with active alcoholism:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Please make yourself at home by reading, posting and venting when needed. We are here to support you, and you are not alone!
I am always finding encouragement when I read the posts of members who have already walked the path I am currently walking. Here on SR, some of our stories are preserved in permanent posts (called Sticky Posts). The Stickies are at the top of this main page and marked with a small padlock symbol in the left column.
Here is one of my favorite Sticky Posts. This information helped me while living with active alcoholism:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Don't be scared of Al Anon.
You will meet some of the nicest people you will ever meet there who totally get it.
Lexiecat and your GP is right about AA.
There is no magic pill she can take that will stop her drinking. There is no magic potion that can be prescribed to stop her binging. She, and only she can do this.
This situation is not fair on you or your dad.
You are not her carer and neither is your dad.
She is a grown woman who is making the choice to drink.
Maybe it's about having boundaries.
If the drinker in my life, my mum, rings and she is drunk, I remind her I won't talk to her on the phone when she has been drinking but will be happy to talk to her when she has sobered up.
It's hard. It takes practice. But it's a way of dealing with unacceptable behaviour.
The excuses she gives about going to AA, the bus etc, is rubbish.
If she had to catch a bus to buy her booze you know deep down she would.
Distance would have been no problem.
This part if the forum is for you. To help you. Al Anon is for you too.
To help you live a happy stress free life without the consequences and drama getting in the way.
Sometimes you have to be tough to be supportive.
You can't carry someone through life's hardships.
At some point they have to take responsibility.
Going to Al Anon in no way means you love your mum any less.
It means your keeping yourself well and looking after yourself. Addiction affects more than just than the addict which you seem to realise.
Please go. I don't know where you are in the UK, but if you were near I would offer to come with you. That's how much I want you to go. And that's because I know you will benefit so much.
This is your life.
We have to look after our parents to some extent but I don't think it is fair the extent to which you are having to do it. Your young, you should be living a carefree life. Not worrying what drunken horror awaits you at home.
My best to you
X
You will meet some of the nicest people you will ever meet there who totally get it.
Lexiecat and your GP is right about AA.
There is no magic pill she can take that will stop her drinking. There is no magic potion that can be prescribed to stop her binging. She, and only she can do this.
This situation is not fair on you or your dad.
You are not her carer and neither is your dad.
She is a grown woman who is making the choice to drink.
Maybe it's about having boundaries.
If the drinker in my life, my mum, rings and she is drunk, I remind her I won't talk to her on the phone when she has been drinking but will be happy to talk to her when she has sobered up.
It's hard. It takes practice. But it's a way of dealing with unacceptable behaviour.
The excuses she gives about going to AA, the bus etc, is rubbish.
If she had to catch a bus to buy her booze you know deep down she would.
Distance would have been no problem.
This part if the forum is for you. To help you. Al Anon is for you too.
To help you live a happy stress free life without the consequences and drama getting in the way.
Sometimes you have to be tough to be supportive.
You can't carry someone through life's hardships.
At some point they have to take responsibility.
Going to Al Anon in no way means you love your mum any less.
It means your keeping yourself well and looking after yourself. Addiction affects more than just than the addict which you seem to realise.
Please go. I don't know where you are in the UK, but if you were near I would offer to come with you. That's how much I want you to go. And that's because I know you will benefit so much.
This is your life.
We have to look after our parents to some extent but I don't think it is fair the extent to which you are having to do it. Your young, you should be living a carefree life. Not worrying what drunken horror awaits you at home.
My best to you
X
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Your Mother is a grown woman. Unfortunately, if she wants to drink she has the right to make that decision for herself. Does not sound like she is ready for sobriety, the A will always find a reason why options that are put before them just won't work. Truth is, they just don't want to give it up yet.
SO.......your Mom is going to drink. Now....let's talk about YOU. Just like she has the right to decide how to handle her life, you have the right to decide how to handle yours. If your Mom drinks for the next 10+ years, are you going to stay in that house to cook and clean??? Are you going to spend your youth enabling an alcoholic? Knowing that even with you being in the house, she still drinks, the only person who is ultimately affected is you? Sounds like your Dad is enmeshed in this, but doesn't mean you have to be.
Nothing changes if Nothing changes. It's important to learn to detach from the A behaviors. We can love them, but we don't have to enable/support their behavior. We can give our family back their "stuff", we can love them where they are right now, but we don't have to be part of it.
You are entitled to a fulfilling, happy, healthy life. That won't happen if you squander your youth watching for the next binge. There is nothing you can do that will make her go to treatment. That will be her decision, or it won't. PLEASE find an AlAnon meeting in your area. Please. You need the support and wisdom that those meetings offer. That first meeting is the hardest, it takes courage to walk into a room of strangers when you don't know what to expect. But you will find that you are actually among friends. Those people "get it" like no one else can.
I wish you the very best. Keep posting, read the sticky's, read "CoDependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Live your life. (((HUGS)))
SO.......your Mom is going to drink. Now....let's talk about YOU. Just like she has the right to decide how to handle her life, you have the right to decide how to handle yours. If your Mom drinks for the next 10+ years, are you going to stay in that house to cook and clean??? Are you going to spend your youth enabling an alcoholic? Knowing that even with you being in the house, she still drinks, the only person who is ultimately affected is you? Sounds like your Dad is enmeshed in this, but doesn't mean you have to be.
Nothing changes if Nothing changes. It's important to learn to detach from the A behaviors. We can love them, but we don't have to enable/support their behavior. We can give our family back their "stuff", we can love them where they are right now, but we don't have to be part of it.
You are entitled to a fulfilling, happy, healthy life. That won't happen if you squander your youth watching for the next binge. There is nothing you can do that will make her go to treatment. That will be her decision, or it won't. PLEASE find an AlAnon meeting in your area. Please. You need the support and wisdom that those meetings offer. That first meeting is the hardest, it takes courage to walk into a room of strangers when you don't know what to expect. But you will find that you are actually among friends. Those people "get it" like no one else can.
I wish you the very best. Keep posting, read the sticky's, read "CoDependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Live your life. (((HUGS)))
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
