Still waiting
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Virginia
Posts: 47
Still waiting
Hi everyone. I haven't posted in about a month and a half. Once again, I started to several times, then realized I was whining. Things are still the same. RAH is a little over 5 months sober, still lives in his apartment, still going to AA meetings, etc. He is still giving me money each week. Not enough to pay bills even with my part time job. I've cancelled most things, the kids and I don't go many places that cost $, we eat at home most of the time, etc. I will have a full time job when school starts in September, but not a "great" one (as in, not one using my Master's Degree), but honestly I'm just happy to have a job, any job, these days. Of course, whenever I complain about needing money or not being able to afford something, his response is..."Well, you should have found a full time job several years ago". To which I point out that we decided together for me to be a stay at home mom. Once my kids were in school, I started working part time and have been waiting for a full time position to open up. I also reply that for h to say I "should" have worked full time years ago is like me saying that he "should" have stopped drinking years ago. Both statements are true...but there is no way to change the past.
Anyhow, I still have no idea what the future holds. We are not "legally" separated (I don't guess we are...I haven't signed anything). He won't early state if he is ever moving back or if he wants a divorce. So....still waiting. He is still grouchy all the time, very angry, seems to have a lot of resentment. He still won't sit down and have a conversation with me. I have been working on myself. I go to Alanon once a week. I read my books. I try not to text, email or call him unless its about the kids. I just don't understand where all of his anger is coming from. He is very Jekyll and Hyde...like he was when he was drinking. I'm positive he is not drinking, so why is he like this? I can call, ask him how his day is, share something about the kids, have a normal conversation for a few minutes, and he will respond in a normal manner, then all if a sudden without warning, he switches gears. He may tell me I'm asking too many questions. He may respond to everything with "I don't care". He may just say something hateful to me or about me. It's almost like a game, sadly, how long can I talk before he gets mad. The only way I can guarantee he won't...is for me to quickly ask for or give whatever info I need and then immediately get off the phone. I'm a talker...it is soooooo not in my nature to stick to the bare minimum.
I want to tell him that he needs to figure out why he is so angry and hateful....but I guess it's not really my place. My 11 year old son is starting to act just like him. Always yelling at me and being rude. He had heard his dad talk to me that way for years....while drunk...and now he still does it when sober, so I guess he thinks it is acceptable. My almost 8 year old daughter says stuff like...I don't know why daddy is being mean if he's not drinking anymore. I just nod and say he must be going through a rough time.
I'm in no position to make any kind of demand, of course. My ultimate goal is for him to move back home and our family live happily ever after (oh wait, that's a fairy tale...ok, I just want him to move home and for us to rebuild our marriage and family). I don't know what to say, what not to say, what to do, what not to do. I'm not the type to give ultimatums. I'm not dramatic or mean. I guess I'm easily complacent. I have adjusted to living at our house with the kids. I behind on bills, chores, yard work, etc. but I'm working on it. Just wish I knew what the next chapter was...
Anyhow, I still have no idea what the future holds. We are not "legally" separated (I don't guess we are...I haven't signed anything). He won't early state if he is ever moving back or if he wants a divorce. So....still waiting. He is still grouchy all the time, very angry, seems to have a lot of resentment. He still won't sit down and have a conversation with me. I have been working on myself. I go to Alanon once a week. I read my books. I try not to text, email or call him unless its about the kids. I just don't understand where all of his anger is coming from. He is very Jekyll and Hyde...like he was when he was drinking. I'm positive he is not drinking, so why is he like this? I can call, ask him how his day is, share something about the kids, have a normal conversation for a few minutes, and he will respond in a normal manner, then all if a sudden without warning, he switches gears. He may tell me I'm asking too many questions. He may respond to everything with "I don't care". He may just say something hateful to me or about me. It's almost like a game, sadly, how long can I talk before he gets mad. The only way I can guarantee he won't...is for me to quickly ask for or give whatever info I need and then immediately get off the phone. I'm a talker...it is soooooo not in my nature to stick to the bare minimum.
I want to tell him that he needs to figure out why he is so angry and hateful....but I guess it's not really my place. My 11 year old son is starting to act just like him. Always yelling at me and being rude. He had heard his dad talk to me that way for years....while drunk...and now he still does it when sober, so I guess he thinks it is acceptable. My almost 8 year old daughter says stuff like...I don't know why daddy is being mean if he's not drinking anymore. I just nod and say he must be going through a rough time.
I'm in no position to make any kind of demand, of course. My ultimate goal is for him to move back home and our family live happily ever after (oh wait, that's a fairy tale...ok, I just want him to move home and for us to rebuild our marriage and family). I don't know what to say, what not to say, what to do, what not to do. I'm not the type to give ultimatums. I'm not dramatic or mean. I guess I'm easily complacent. I have adjusted to living at our house with the kids. I behind on bills, chores, yard work, etc. but I'm working on it. Just wish I knew what the next chapter was...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hi JustyShy. It's nice to hear from you again, though I'm sorry it doesn't sound like much has changed.
I am especially sorry to hear that your son seems to have picked up where your husband has left off.
But I am glad to hear about your future full-time job prospect, even though it isn't directly in your preferred wheelhouse.
I just want to say, very gently, that I hope one day you decide that your happiness no longer hinges on what your husband does or doesn't decide about your future together . It sounds to me like you have settled for whatever you can get from him, but I believe very deeply that you (and me, and everyone on this forum) deserve so much more. The longer we search for our identity and happiness in other people, the further away we drift from our own strong, centered, deserving self.
Not a one of us know what the next chapter is. I certainly don't. But I intend to engage with it as the writer, in an active voice, not just as a passive reader, as much as I can!
I am especially sorry to hear that your son seems to have picked up where your husband has left off.
But I am glad to hear about your future full-time job prospect, even though it isn't directly in your preferred wheelhouse.
I just want to say, very gently, that I hope one day you decide that your happiness no longer hinges on what your husband does or doesn't decide about your future together . It sounds to me like you have settled for whatever you can get from him, but I believe very deeply that you (and me, and everyone on this forum) deserve so much more. The longer we search for our identity and happiness in other people, the further away we drift from our own strong, centered, deserving self.
Not a one of us know what the next chapter is. I certainly don't. But I intend to engage with it as the writer, in an active voice, not just as a passive reader, as much as I can!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
SparkleKitty hit it on the nose. I read your post, and wondered why you're waiting for HIM to decide what happens to the rest of your life. That's a lot of power to give to someone.
You have the ability to WRITE the next chapter of your life! It's your life, your story. Don't let someone write it for you. Your kids are showing that they're affected by the disease, how long before you decide to have a hand in their story???
You have the ability to WRITE the next chapter of your life! It's your life, your story. Don't let someone write it for you. Your kids are showing that they're affected by the disease, how long before you decide to have a hand in their story???
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Virginia
Posts: 47
Wow Sparkle Kitty, I think you hit the nail on the head! I don't think I ever realized that yes, I am basing my happiness, my future, on whether or not he is in my life. I mean, I love him, I want us to stay married, I want us to be a family....however, IF that doesn't happen...I really will be ok and so will the kids. It's not what I want, but I think i could be happy.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I get you--I think we'd all like that crystal ball, sometimes. Just knowing if you were going on with or without him would probably make it easier. But I'll tell you something--I have learned more from dealing with uncertainty than I have dealing with crisis. At least with a crisis I usually can figure out what to do--there are THINGS to be done, you know? When it isn't clear how a situation will turn out, though, it's a lot harder to know where to put your energy. And you have to learn to just BE. And to have faith that however things turn out, you will be able to handle it. It's a whole exercise of letting go of our need to control the outcome of things.
And I have found that it pays off in ALL areas of life where the outcome is uncertain. It also makes it easier for me to get less attached to a particular outcome. Even if it looks like things are going one way, life can throw you a curve ball and spin you around. To the extent you are not too attached to the outcome you THOUGHT you would get, it becomes easier to keep your balance and not get thrown by sudden reversals of fortune.
Pretty neat, actually. Who'd ever guess that uncertainty could teach us so much?
And I have found that it pays off in ALL areas of life where the outcome is uncertain. It also makes it easier for me to get less attached to a particular outcome. Even if it looks like things are going one way, life can throw you a curve ball and spin you around. To the extent you are not too attached to the outcome you THOUGHT you would get, it becomes easier to keep your balance and not get thrown by sudden reversals of fortune.
Pretty neat, actually. Who'd ever guess that uncertainty could teach us so much?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Justshy, it broke my heart to hear that your son is behaving toward you just like his dad. And, your daughter is showing how much the alcoholic home has affected her. So sad for their future lives.
If you read several of the stories that are posted on the section of this website for Adult Children of Alcoholics---it is enough to make your hair stand on end. You have choices, but, your children have no power but to tolerate the environment that their parents create for them.
Actually, it may be a blessing that your husband in not in the house right now. The recovery period is often as stressful, or more so, than the original drinking.
Your recovery is essential--and good that you are working on it. But, so is getting help for your children very essential. You still have a few years before the damage becomes written in stone.
Usually, I am not so direct (or blunt) with my words--but, I feel that someone has to speak for the children. Their welfare trumps politeness.....and, if you think it over, I believe that you will agree with me.
very sincerely, dandylion
If you read several of the stories that are posted on the section of this website for Adult Children of Alcoholics---it is enough to make your hair stand on end. You have choices, but, your children have no power but to tolerate the environment that their parents create for them.
Actually, it may be a blessing that your husband in not in the house right now. The recovery period is often as stressful, or more so, than the original drinking.
Your recovery is essential--and good that you are working on it. But, so is getting help for your children very essential. You still have a few years before the damage becomes written in stone.
Usually, I am not so direct (or blunt) with my words--but, I feel that someone has to speak for the children. Their welfare trumps politeness.....and, if you think it over, I believe that you will agree with me.
very sincerely, dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Virginia
Posts: 47
Lexiecat, yes, that is exactly what I need to have-Faith. The slogan I need to live everyday is Let Go and Let God. I need to stop thinking it and start doing it! This is where my procrastination really gets in the way.
Dandylion, yes, I agree. The kids go to Alateen once a week when I go to my Alanon meeting. My 8 year old daughter loves it, gets a lot out of it, usually tells me a little bit about what she said or read. My 11 year old son seems to enjoy it, asks to go back every week, wants to go to a weekend camp with them in July, but I don't really know what goes on at the meeting, what he says/hears/gets out of it. I have asked my husband to look ino counseling for our son (or let me look into it and have him pay for it) but he says no or ignores my request. I think the rehab/IOP my husband went to has aftercare for the whole family...but he wouldn't let us go while he was there, so I doubt he would want us there now. My son's behavior is very disturbing to me and very obvious to everyone around (they all say...wow, he sounds just like his dad, just as much anger),but my husband doesn't see it...says it is my fault our son acts this way because I am a bad mom (I'm really not. I have a pretty low self esteem right now, but I know I'm a good mom and always have been).
Dandylion, yes, I agree. The kids go to Alateen once a week when I go to my Alanon meeting. My 8 year old daughter loves it, gets a lot out of it, usually tells me a little bit about what she said or read. My 11 year old son seems to enjoy it, asks to go back every week, wants to go to a weekend camp with them in July, but I don't really know what goes on at the meeting, what he says/hears/gets out of it. I have asked my husband to look ino counseling for our son (or let me look into it and have him pay for it) but he says no or ignores my request. I think the rehab/IOP my husband went to has aftercare for the whole family...but he wouldn't let us go while he was there, so I doubt he would want us there now. My son's behavior is very disturbing to me and very obvious to everyone around (they all say...wow, he sounds just like his dad, just as much anger),but my husband doesn't see it...says it is my fault our son acts this way because I am a bad mom (I'm really not. I have a pretty low self esteem right now, but I know I'm a good mom and always have been).
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by Justshy 
Wow Sparkle Kitty, I think you hit the nail on the head! I don't think I ever realized that yes, I am basing my happiness, my future, on whether or not he is in my life. I mean, I love him, I want us to stay married, I want us to be a family....however, IF that doesn't happen...I really will be ok and so will the kids. It's not what I want, but I think i could be happy.
So - at some point, you may have to force a solution to your situation. Until then, keep working on you and leave him alone. No one likes to be chewed out like he does you...find people to spend your time with who are nice to you. It's so refreshing!
Keep on keepin' on!
~T
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Justshy, I think you are absolutely right--that your son's behavior is just like your husband's because you are not because you are not a good mom---IT IS BECAUSE THE MOST SIGNIFICANT MALE ROLE MODEL IN HIS LIFE IS SHOWING HIM HOW TO TREAT WOMEN.
If your husband can't show him how to be--there are lots of males in this world that can become an example of how a man behaves--and there are opportunities to introduce this into your son's life. I just saw an amazing show (2wks. ago) presented by Oprah and Iylanya (OWN network) about FATHERLESS BOYS which really drove this point home. Basic point--it is not just enough to eliminate the negative forces--one must introduce positive forces and examples for the boys to emulate and strive for.
Positive can be a music teacher or a coach; a loving uncle; a close cousin; or the males in the family's social circle--the males that they commonly have contact with in the course of life.
I am sooo happy to see that you have them in alateen already! Camp is such an exciting highpoint in a kid's life--I hope you son gets to go. When the home life is dysfunctional--the ability to witness healthy people's behavior is so very instructive for kids. At least they will know what "normal" looks like. So many times, on this board, one hears someone say "I don't even know what normal looks like!"
I'll get off my soapbox, now. I'm glad that you know not to believe him when your husband tries to blame-shift by calling you a bad mother!!!!!!!
Carry on.
dandylion
If your husband can't show him how to be--there are lots of males in this world that can become an example of how a man behaves--and there are opportunities to introduce this into your son's life. I just saw an amazing show (2wks. ago) presented by Oprah and Iylanya (OWN network) about FATHERLESS BOYS which really drove this point home. Basic point--it is not just enough to eliminate the negative forces--one must introduce positive forces and examples for the boys to emulate and strive for.
Positive can be a music teacher or a coach; a loving uncle; a close cousin; or the males in the family's social circle--the males that they commonly have contact with in the course of life.
I am sooo happy to see that you have them in alateen already! Camp is such an exciting highpoint in a kid's life--I hope you son gets to go. When the home life is dysfunctional--the ability to witness healthy people's behavior is so very instructive for kids. At least they will know what "normal" looks like. So many times, on this board, one hears someone say "I don't even know what normal looks like!"
I'll get off my soapbox, now. I'm glad that you know not to believe him when your husband tries to blame-shift by calling you a bad mother!!!!!!!
Carry on.
dandylion
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
JustShy, glad to see you posting & I can definitely see glimmers of your strength pushing through compared to your earlier posts!
I don't want to reiterate the great advice you've already gotten but I totally agree with the PP's. I'd also wager a guess that the anger & resentments that you see flaring up in him could be rooted in self-hatred & anger with himself. So often people externalize their inner baggage on those closest to them rather than dealing with it head on. But you are SO right when you say it's his place to figure that out & solve it.... it's your place to step out of the line of fire when you can see it coming.
If it were *me* I'd be verbalizing some firmer boundaries about how he speaks to you, especially in front of your kids & most especially at your own home. When my RAH gets that tone or attitude or the anger starts rising I wave my little white flag & say hey, sorry you feel THIS way, but I'm not your verbal punching bag & I'm not going to stand here & listen to you go on like this, I'm not going to feed into it. We can talk about it when you are less angry." And I walk away physically. I can't control how he feels but I also refuse to own it or let him push it off on me, any more than I would let him break my arm because he had broken his first.
If he's at your place, ask him to leave. You & your kids deserve a safe zone, free from unresolved anger being thrown like knives.
((((HUGS)))) Hang in there, you're doing great!
I don't want to reiterate the great advice you've already gotten but I totally agree with the PP's. I'd also wager a guess that the anger & resentments that you see flaring up in him could be rooted in self-hatred & anger with himself. So often people externalize their inner baggage on those closest to them rather than dealing with it head on. But you are SO right when you say it's his place to figure that out & solve it.... it's your place to step out of the line of fire when you can see it coming.
If it were *me* I'd be verbalizing some firmer boundaries about how he speaks to you, especially in front of your kids & most especially at your own home. When my RAH gets that tone or attitude or the anger starts rising I wave my little white flag & say hey, sorry you feel THIS way, but I'm not your verbal punching bag & I'm not going to stand here & listen to you go on like this, I'm not going to feed into it. We can talk about it when you are less angry." And I walk away physically. I can't control how he feels but I also refuse to own it or let him push it off on me, any more than I would let him break my arm because he had broken his first.
If he's at your place, ask him to leave. You & your kids deserve a safe zone, free from unresolved anger being thrown like knives.
((((HUGS)))) Hang in there, you're doing great!
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 368
I am so sorry that this is so difficult for you. I wonder if anyone on here has been able to make a relationship work with someone in recovery. I hope that, with boundaries and space, you will be able to find some peace of mind.
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