Am being told he is abusive aside from being Alcoholic.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Am being told he is abusive aside from being Alcoholic.
STBXAH was my best friend from we were teenagers and I thought of him always as a really good person.
No doubt over the years as his drinking increased his behaviour got worse and he became increasingly horrible to me and then nice once sober (usually). I have started attending a workshop on surviving abusive relationships and I find it a bit confusing.
I am being told that he does not behave this way because of his drinking but because of his personality.
At the moment he is apparently stopped drinking (cold turkey no program) and has made up with gf. But his attitude to me has not changed - I am the one who ruined his life and I am horrid. He won't do any of the things he was gagging to do a while back. Plans for selling the house and the divorce seem to have stalled and he is just ignoring the money he owes me. He 'says' he doesn't care if the house ( which he lives in) is sold because he can rent very cheaply, but as we are in different countries there is not much anyone can do as he is in no hurry to sell.
I suspect that he has the worst traits of both - maybe? does not care about doing what is right and does not like the consequences of the actions he has taken. Moving into rented accommodation will cost him money and I suspect he doesn't have much.
I am confused about how he's taking on a new relationship when he is financially imploding?!
Having a gf in itself confuses me - this is a man who showed no interest in another woman in all the years we were together - his focus was always - drinking. But as soon as I got a bf - hey presto - he got a gf , he knows full well its the one thing that would drive me nuts as I'm such a jealous person.
My choice seems to be my sanity and walking away from everything i own jointly or lengthy hurtful conversations that achieve NOTHING.
The whole focus of my workshop group seems to be that the end game is to get you back with your tail between your legs but I think filing for divorce says otherwise...
thoughts anybody?
No doubt over the years as his drinking increased his behaviour got worse and he became increasingly horrible to me and then nice once sober (usually). I have started attending a workshop on surviving abusive relationships and I find it a bit confusing.
I am being told that he does not behave this way because of his drinking but because of his personality.
At the moment he is apparently stopped drinking (cold turkey no program) and has made up with gf. But his attitude to me has not changed - I am the one who ruined his life and I am horrid. He won't do any of the things he was gagging to do a while back. Plans for selling the house and the divorce seem to have stalled and he is just ignoring the money he owes me. He 'says' he doesn't care if the house ( which he lives in) is sold because he can rent very cheaply, but as we are in different countries there is not much anyone can do as he is in no hurry to sell.
I suspect that he has the worst traits of both - maybe? does not care about doing what is right and does not like the consequences of the actions he has taken. Moving into rented accommodation will cost him money and I suspect he doesn't have much.
I am confused about how he's taking on a new relationship when he is financially imploding?!
Having a gf in itself confuses me - this is a man who showed no interest in another woman in all the years we were together - his focus was always - drinking. But as soon as I got a bf - hey presto - he got a gf , he knows full well its the one thing that would drive me nuts as I'm such a jealous person.
My choice seems to be my sanity and walking away from everything i own jointly or lengthy hurtful conversations that achieve NOTHING.
The whole focus of my workshop group seems to be that the end game is to get you back with your tail between your legs but I think filing for divorce says otherwise...
thoughts anybody?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I don't know that it matters much what his motives are. Do you have a lawyer representing your interests in the divorce? If not, I suggest you get one, and get things moving so you can recover what's yours. You can decide whether it's better for you in the long run to walk away from the property, and getting things settled so you can move on with your life.
Focus on what YOUR needs are to heal, and don't worry so much about what he's doing and why he is doing it. That's all his problem, and it doesn't have to be yours.
Focus on what YOUR needs are to heal, and don't worry so much about what he's doing and why he is doing it. That's all his problem, and it doesn't have to be yours.
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The whole focus of my workshop group seems to be that the end game is to get you back with your tail between your legs but I think filing for divorce says otherwise...
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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are you hoping he WILL try to get you back? you are now separated, you live in different countries and yet you maintain contact and update each other on your lives and new love interests. thing is with so much distance you have no idea what is really going on. and apparently he still takes every opportunity to be verbally abusive towards you.
relying upon HIM to take care of all the loose ends, proceed with the divorce, disposition of assets and property and do the right thing is an effort in futility. now is the time to take your power back, manage your own life as YOU wish....take the legal actions necessary. and QUIT talking to someone who is so unkind and full of BS!!!!
relying upon HIM to take care of all the loose ends, proceed with the divorce, disposition of assets and property and do the right thing is an effort in futility. now is the time to take your power back, manage your own life as YOU wish....take the legal actions necessary. and QUIT talking to someone who is so unkind and full of BS!!!!
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I am considering taking over these things but cannot really do it all without his co-operation. So as for the sale of the house i'm kind of stuck.
The divorce was filed by him so I feel he should see it through now that I have signed the papers that were sent to me ...but maybe I am being naiive.
The divorce was filed by him so I feel he should see it through now that I have signed the papers that were sent to me ...but maybe I am being naiive.
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Atalose - I AM confused but I am not changing what I am doing, I am still building up my business, going to Alanon and have stopped communicating with AH.
I don't have a bf now but I had initially told my Ah that I was spending a lot of time with someone I had met and could no longer cope with living with AH's drinking. That was when things got nasty.
I don't have a bf now but I had initially told my Ah that I was spending a lot of time with someone I had met and could no longer cope with living with AH's drinking. That was when things got nasty.
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Originally Posted by cr995 
I am considering taking over these things but cannot really do it all without his co-operation. So as for the sale of the house i'm kind of stuck.
The divorce was filed by him so I feel he should see it through now that I have signed the papers that were sent to me ...but maybe I am being naiive.
The divorce was filed by him so I feel he should see it through now that I have signed the papers that were sent to me ...but maybe I am being naiive.
It doesn't matter that you "feel" he should see the details through. If he isn't doing it, you need to be doing it. Otherwise you are a helpless victim at the mercy of an unreliable alcoholic. Isn't that what you are trying to get away from?
It may be that you need to cross-file a divorce complaint to get the ball rolling again. Talk to a lawyer. There are a number of options available to you, but until you talk to someone you won't know what they are.
Start taking back your life. Get these loose ends wrapped up. Otherwise you are going to stay stuck.
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I guess I 'll have to wait till I can afford to travel over there as I can't at the moment and I am still far to emotional to be in that situation. At the time I left , I left everything behind. Since then I have had to start from scratch - I now rent unfurnished and have managed to furnish my house, make it into a home and buy everything all over - from shoes to a microwave. I could not even get him to let me have my clothes!
For the first time in my life I have my own new laptop - ( he always used to take my computers apart to fix other peoples as 'we needed the money'. )
I have more 'things' than I have ever had . But the cost of legal representation for me right now is prohibitive, I did have a lawyer through legal aid who was quite clear that nothing decided in a court here could be enforced in the country my husband is in. They also turned down my motion to cross-petition saying it was a waste of money and what he filed would do the job and so was good enough. That leaves the ball in his court.
To be honest, I feel like I was never expected to get this far. I was told quite clearly when I left that I would end up broke. It is a great relief to me that has not happened. I feel like everything being done is a punishment rather than the winding up of a marriage that did not work out , kind of like dealing with a madman.
I was able to get the lawyer who I bought the house through to help getting an agent to put the house on the market. Initially my H agreed but since then he has stalled the sale - easy for him to do as he is the one living there.
His car is too expensive to run so he drives mine! He said he would buy it off me but ...still waiting for the money. Unless I buy a plane ticket to go over there and physically drive it away from him - I can't think of what to do.
For the first time in my life I have my own new laptop - ( he always used to take my computers apart to fix other peoples as 'we needed the money'. )
I have more 'things' than I have ever had . But the cost of legal representation for me right now is prohibitive, I did have a lawyer through legal aid who was quite clear that nothing decided in a court here could be enforced in the country my husband is in. They also turned down my motion to cross-petition saying it was a waste of money and what he filed would do the job and so was good enough. That leaves the ball in his court.
To be honest, I feel like I was never expected to get this far. I was told quite clearly when I left that I would end up broke. It is a great relief to me that has not happened. I feel like everything being done is a punishment rather than the winding up of a marriage that did not work out , kind of like dealing with a madman.
I was able to get the lawyer who I bought the house through to help getting an agent to put the house on the market. Initially my H agreed but since then he has stalled the sale - easy for him to do as he is the one living there.
His car is too expensive to run so he drives mine! He said he would buy it off me but ...still waiting for the money. Unless I buy a plane ticket to go over there and physically drive it away from him - I can't think of what to do.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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You need a lawyer in the country your stbx is in. Do you have one? Alternatively, can you find your way through the legal morass and figure out how to file papers over there yourself to get out of this marriage? Maybe if you say where each of you are, someone might have some useful links to help?
Can your legal ties over there (and any debts) follow you to the country you live in now?
Lots of questions, sorry. But it seems like a mess that you might be able to find your way through if you can see the wood for the trees.
Can your legal ties over there (and any debts) follow you to the country you live in now?
Lots of questions, sorry. But it seems like a mess that you might be able to find your way through if you can see the wood for the trees.
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I don't have a lawyer acting for me in the country he is in which is Bulgaria. We were married in the UK so I think that is where the divorce has to happen.
The house has no mortgage but can't be re-mortgaged without my signature.
Nothing has been maintained since I left. I have been told that the septic tank has collapsed in on itself, the burst pipe in the bathroom has not been repaired since the winter and one of the walls is covered in mould. I left 3 years ago and I think that is where the renovation we had started came to a halt.
But I won't starve without help from him so things could be worse, at least I am able to look after myself and I am getting a bit more confident as time goes on so I am very very grateful about that.
The house has no mortgage but can't be re-mortgaged without my signature.
Nothing has been maintained since I left. I have been told that the septic tank has collapsed in on itself, the burst pipe in the bathroom has not been repaired since the winter and one of the walls is covered in mould. I left 3 years ago and I think that is where the renovation we had started came to a halt.
But I won't starve without help from him so things could be worse, at least I am able to look after myself and I am getting a bit more confident as time goes on so I am very very grateful about that.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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When can you divorce in the UK? Have you been to the CAB?
Sometimes I think that we have to think of the costs incurred during a marriage to an abusive person as sunk. Sucks, but it's a form of Codie Tax. You need to draw a line now. Do you know how you can do that?
Sometimes I think that we have to think of the costs incurred during a marriage to an abusive person as sunk. Sucks, but it's a form of Codie Tax. You need to draw a line now. Do you know how you can do that?
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I did have a lawyer through legal aid who was quite clear that nothing decided in a court in the uk could be enforced in the country my husband is in. They also turned down my motion to cross-petition saying it was a waste of money and what he filed would do the job and so was good enough
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I'm not familiar with the law in the UK (much less Bulgaria), but I am a lawyer. You may very well be able to file your own divorce complaint, either in the UK or in Bulgaria. (Where is the property located?) I assume you are still in the UK?
It isn't so much the money involved (which, it seems, you are willing to walk away from) as it is just getting some finality to this thing so you don't remain tied to this deadbeat. If you are willing to walk away from the property, things should be fairly simple. I've walked away from lots of things to which I would have been entitled, just for the sake of my own peace and serenity.
It isn't so much the money involved (which, it seems, you are willing to walk away from) as it is just getting some finality to this thing so you don't remain tied to this deadbeat. If you are willing to walk away from the property, things should be fairly simple. I've walked away from lots of things to which I would have been entitled, just for the sake of my own peace and serenity.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Agree with Lexie. You might have to say goodbye to the money, but surely you want the divorce? That must be possible. That's what I meant about the Codie Tax. Small price to pay for moving on. It took me along time to learn that!
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