Help! Please
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Dublin
Posts: 7
Help! Please
Hi,
I am looking for some advice and help.
I have been going to AA for the last 17 months and at the beginning I got it. That is to say I embraced the programme. Over the last few months I have been questioning my reasons for initially going to AA.
I will give a overview of my reasons for going to AA in the first place.
I am currently in my mid-thirties and when I was younger I was drinking a lot heavier than I would have been 17 months ago or so! When I was around 21 I suffered what I now know was a panic attack the next day after a heavy binge of alcohol. This had a major impact on all hangovers going forward as I lived in fear of the panic setting in again. (and it did quite regularly)
I did drink extremely heavily when I was in my twenties and the fear was unbearable the next day, however I justified my drinking as all my friends were drinking the same as myself at the time.
I also started taking cocaine occasionally when I was in the company of friends who had it.
The job I had at this stage in my life was quite flexible so I could get away with lying in bed on a Monday morning. I did also drink and drive quite frequently and once wrecked my car whilst drunk.(10 years ago)
I always managed to get away with things and was never in trouble with the law. From the outside looking in everything seemed fine. I had a good job etc.
To describe how I would feel the next day after a binge is as follows; I would be very paranoid and riddled with anxiety. I would sometimes relieve this by taking Valium or consuming more alcohol. I would do my best to avoid any contact with anyone. I would isolate myself until the feelings passed.
I know this was strange because my friends were able to function the next day. They might go for a game of golf or something. I could not do this. Sometimes I would go to a church a pray that the feelings would pass. ( I am not religious)
I carried on like this for eight years. I got married when I was 29 and settled down. I am now 35 and a father of two young children. I pulled back from my old friends and moved out of the area I was living in. I did continue to drink and when to excess the old feeling would be there! But I could not drink as much as I use to as I had responsibilities. I also never took cocaine again after I got married.
When I was 30 I was prescribed antidepressants by my doctor. I remember asking him if it was ok to drink alcohol while on them and he told me a bottle of beer to be sociable would be ok. I never just had one bottle of beer in my life! I drank quite heavily while on the antidepressants. (Lexapro)
The fear based hangovers subsided whilst taking the Lexapro and I thought this was a miracle.
I continued to drink and mainly at home for the next few years. At some point the antidepressants stopped working and fear was back the next day after a binge. My doctor tweaked my meds and put me on Cymbalta and Zimovane for sleep. I loved the Zimovane because it had the same effect as alcohol did. Pop one in the evening and chill out! I have to point out at this stage I would occasionally drink the next day in order to relive a hangover but would wait until evening time.
Along the road my mother passed away and I drank quite heavily to numb the grief. I also voluntarily left my secure job that I had been in for ten years. I set up my own business and whilst at the start of setting up the business I was able to abstain from drinking for 4 months. After six months my business failed. I began to drink quite frequently again. I managed to get a few jobs but could never hold them down. This was not because I did not show up for work; I just managed to find reasons why I did not like the people I worked with or would not be motivated to do my job.
In the run up to the Christmas 2011 I decided I would not drink on Christmas Eve and Day. Christmas was always a major drinking event in my life. (Meeting up with old friends etc.)
I managed to abstain from drinking for these two days, with the agreement of my wife that I could go to the pub for whole day on the 26th of December. This was always a major drinking day for me.
I was looking forward to it because most of my drinking was done at home and it was a novelty to be able to go to the Pub for the day, free of all responsibilities. Well I went out that day and I made up for the two days of abstained drinking. I got hammered drunk. I blacked out that night and woke up in my father’s house covered in my own urine. It was very embarrassing the next day, so I called up to a friend who I knew had a drinking problem and I drank to bottles of wine before 1 pm in the day and then phoned my wife to collect me. She was furious at the state I was in.
On the way home in the car I got her to pull over and I bought a six pack of beer, may as well continue before the fear sets in and try to recall what happened the night before.The above event was the decider for me that something was not right at all. I entered the rooms of AA a few days later. I was surprised at the welcome and how friendly everyone was. The last drinking episode was clearly etched in my head and I shared about this at the meetings. I attended the meetings quite regularly and got myself a sponsor.
In the last few months I have been pulling back on my meetings. I could not identify when others were sharing. As I said above I was not drinking every day, I was never in detox or treatment.
The last few days I have been contemplating drinking again! My head is on overdrive, very irritable and restless. I don’t know if an alcoholic or not.
Please help!
I am looking for some advice and help.
I have been going to AA for the last 17 months and at the beginning I got it. That is to say I embraced the programme. Over the last few months I have been questioning my reasons for initially going to AA.
I will give a overview of my reasons for going to AA in the first place.
I am currently in my mid-thirties and when I was younger I was drinking a lot heavier than I would have been 17 months ago or so! When I was around 21 I suffered what I now know was a panic attack the next day after a heavy binge of alcohol. This had a major impact on all hangovers going forward as I lived in fear of the panic setting in again. (and it did quite regularly)
I did drink extremely heavily when I was in my twenties and the fear was unbearable the next day, however I justified my drinking as all my friends were drinking the same as myself at the time.
I also started taking cocaine occasionally when I was in the company of friends who had it.
The job I had at this stage in my life was quite flexible so I could get away with lying in bed on a Monday morning. I did also drink and drive quite frequently and once wrecked my car whilst drunk.(10 years ago)
I always managed to get away with things and was never in trouble with the law. From the outside looking in everything seemed fine. I had a good job etc.
To describe how I would feel the next day after a binge is as follows; I would be very paranoid and riddled with anxiety. I would sometimes relieve this by taking Valium or consuming more alcohol. I would do my best to avoid any contact with anyone. I would isolate myself until the feelings passed.
I know this was strange because my friends were able to function the next day. They might go for a game of golf or something. I could not do this. Sometimes I would go to a church a pray that the feelings would pass. ( I am not religious)
I carried on like this for eight years. I got married when I was 29 and settled down. I am now 35 and a father of two young children. I pulled back from my old friends and moved out of the area I was living in. I did continue to drink and when to excess the old feeling would be there! But I could not drink as much as I use to as I had responsibilities. I also never took cocaine again after I got married.
When I was 30 I was prescribed antidepressants by my doctor. I remember asking him if it was ok to drink alcohol while on them and he told me a bottle of beer to be sociable would be ok. I never just had one bottle of beer in my life! I drank quite heavily while on the antidepressants. (Lexapro)
The fear based hangovers subsided whilst taking the Lexapro and I thought this was a miracle.
I continued to drink and mainly at home for the next few years. At some point the antidepressants stopped working and fear was back the next day after a binge. My doctor tweaked my meds and put me on Cymbalta and Zimovane for sleep. I loved the Zimovane because it had the same effect as alcohol did. Pop one in the evening and chill out! I have to point out at this stage I would occasionally drink the next day in order to relive a hangover but would wait until evening time.
Along the road my mother passed away and I drank quite heavily to numb the grief. I also voluntarily left my secure job that I had been in for ten years. I set up my own business and whilst at the start of setting up the business I was able to abstain from drinking for 4 months. After six months my business failed. I began to drink quite frequently again. I managed to get a few jobs but could never hold them down. This was not because I did not show up for work; I just managed to find reasons why I did not like the people I worked with or would not be motivated to do my job.
In the run up to the Christmas 2011 I decided I would not drink on Christmas Eve and Day. Christmas was always a major drinking event in my life. (Meeting up with old friends etc.)
I managed to abstain from drinking for these two days, with the agreement of my wife that I could go to the pub for whole day on the 26th of December. This was always a major drinking day for me.
I was looking forward to it because most of my drinking was done at home and it was a novelty to be able to go to the Pub for the day, free of all responsibilities. Well I went out that day and I made up for the two days of abstained drinking. I got hammered drunk. I blacked out that night and woke up in my father’s house covered in my own urine. It was very embarrassing the next day, so I called up to a friend who I knew had a drinking problem and I drank to bottles of wine before 1 pm in the day and then phoned my wife to collect me. She was furious at the state I was in.
On the way home in the car I got her to pull over and I bought a six pack of beer, may as well continue before the fear sets in and try to recall what happened the night before.The above event was the decider for me that something was not right at all. I entered the rooms of AA a few days later. I was surprised at the welcome and how friendly everyone was. The last drinking episode was clearly etched in my head and I shared about this at the meetings. I attended the meetings quite regularly and got myself a sponsor.
In the last few months I have been pulling back on my meetings. I could not identify when others were sharing. As I said above I was not drinking every day, I was never in detox or treatment.
The last few days I have been contemplating drinking again! My head is on overdrive, very irritable and restless. I don’t know if an alcoholic or not.
Please help!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
To describe how I would feel the next day after a binge is as follows; I would be very paranoid and riddled with anxiety. I would sometimes relieve this by taking Valium or consuming more alcohol. I would do my best to avoid any contact with anyone. I would isolate myself until the feelings passed.
That sounds exactly like my symptoms. I had those panic attacks for years, even the thought of them makes me feel uneasy again. I'm not sure how I got any work done at all. The panic attacks were so terrible that I once drove myself to the Emergency Room - I thought I was going to have a stroke or something, I felt so paranoid. I began drinking early in the morning to relieve the symptoms, and you know the rest of the story. As for meds, I was prescribed various medications, none of which I used properly because I drank so much - I never got the refills or anything, I guess I don't take to pills. Or I was too lazy to become addicted. Booze had a pretty tight grip on me.
As for me, I'm an alcoholic. I'm right around your age, and I did a lot of the same things. I can't speak for you. I went to AA in the beginning and it helped me get sober, but I don't use AA on a regular basis now. I like to know it's there, but I go about my recovery in my own way. I learn a bit from others here, it's definitely a good place for you to start. Take a look around, there are plenty of AA folks here but just as many who aren't. It's not about how you get well, it's about kicking the drink, period.
That sounds exactly like my symptoms. I had those panic attacks for years, even the thought of them makes me feel uneasy again. I'm not sure how I got any work done at all. The panic attacks were so terrible that I once drove myself to the Emergency Room - I thought I was going to have a stroke or something, I felt so paranoid. I began drinking early in the morning to relieve the symptoms, and you know the rest of the story. As for meds, I was prescribed various medications, none of which I used properly because I drank so much - I never got the refills or anything, I guess I don't take to pills. Or I was too lazy to become addicted. Booze had a pretty tight grip on me.
As for me, I'm an alcoholic. I'm right around your age, and I did a lot of the same things. I can't speak for you. I went to AA in the beginning and it helped me get sober, but I don't use AA on a regular basis now. I like to know it's there, but I go about my recovery in my own way. I learn a bit from others here, it's definitely a good place for you to start. Take a look around, there are plenty of AA folks here but just as many who aren't. It's not about how you get well, it's about kicking the drink, period.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,424
As they say, only you can decide if you're an alcoholic. But it was clearly giving you trouble. The anxiety after drinking is awful! That and the return of obsession would not be worth risking to see if I could drink again or worth the temporary effects of drinking. I don't know if pulling back from your meetings is causing you to consider drinking, or considering drinking is causing you to pull back from your meetings. But it sounds like the meetings were really workin for you. Do you have a sponsor you can ask? I've often heard when you don't feel like going to meetings or working your recovery program, that's when you should dig in even deeper. Give it some time to think about. Welcome to SR, you should stick around.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 100
I recognized a lot of myself in your story. Only after I stopped drinking did I learn about the real connection between anxiety, depression and drinking. It is incredible to me when I reflect and truly understand that alcohol was not the solution, it was the problem.
Only you can decide if you are an alcoholic- the good news is you don't have to decide. You just need to realize that some people, like yourself ( I suspect) can't have the "good" parts of alcohol without the bad. If you are romanticizing about the relationship you once had with alcohol many years ago, think hard about the crippling anxiety in recent times. My friend you do not need alcohol. It will not make your life better. It is an illusion.
Only you can decide if you are an alcoholic- the good news is you don't have to decide. You just need to realize that some people, like yourself ( I suspect) can't have the "good" parts of alcohol without the bad. If you are romanticizing about the relationship you once had with alcohol many years ago, think hard about the crippling anxiety in recent times. My friend you do not need alcohol. It will not make your life better. It is an illusion.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Getting there
Posts: 216
As said above it does not matter what name it is called.
If you start to drink again it is not going to end well. You are now pushing towards 40.......if you start to drink again can you imagine how your life would look when you are 50 or 60? Alcoholism or dependency or addiction to alcohol will take everything from YOU ......family, health and literally your life.
Do yourself and your family a big favour...don't drink, keep with the program, because it is defineitely not going to get any better if you start to drink again.
If you start to drink again it is not going to end well. You are now pushing towards 40.......if you start to drink again can you imagine how your life would look when you are 50 or 60? Alcoholism or dependency or addiction to alcohol will take everything from YOU ......family, health and literally your life.
Do yourself and your family a big favour...don't drink, keep with the program, because it is defineitely not going to get any better if you start to drink again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Dublin
Posts: 7
Hi Dejvice, Thank you for your response, much appreciated. I would like to thank everyone on this forum for there support. I don't know what is wrong with me at the moment, but I do know I won't be picking up a drink! I am going to get my head down back into the Big Book and the AA program.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: London
Posts: 7
Romanticizing alcohol right now...
Originally Posted by zeroptzero 
You just need to realize that some people, like yourself ( I suspect) can't have the "good" parts of alcohol without the bad. If you are romanticizing about the relationship you once had with alcohol many years ago, think hard about the crippling anxiety in recent times. .
You are not alone in your thoughts on this site which is a very nice thought to have being in an otherwise very lonely world.
Been there, done that!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: London
Posts: 539
Just to add iam an alcoholic and I could of wrote your post for you they say stick around long enough and you will here your story. I always wondered how my friends could go on the same bender as me but get up and function normally where as I would be an anxious mess crippled with fear and paranoia, I guess it's part of what makes me alcoholic....your on the right path don't let that voice of addiction get you back in the game you my not get out this time!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Dublin
Posts: 7
Hi EmilyS,
Well one thing is for sure! YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Over the past couple of months I have gone into isolation mode, as well as self pity mode! My life goes from home to work to home again, like groundhog day. But I created this mechanism of isolation. The support you will receive on this site is invaluable, take heed of the advice. Keep your chin up, Keep busy around the home,go for a walk to clear your head etc!
Go to AA, you will make friends as you attend meetings. You already have one thing in common with everyone else in the rooms. As I said read the responses you get and take heed of them, they do help! Like your one just helped me a few minutes ago! I am in a different place than I was 24hrs ago.
Well one thing is for sure! YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Over the past couple of months I have gone into isolation mode, as well as self pity mode! My life goes from home to work to home again, like groundhog day. But I created this mechanism of isolation. The support you will receive on this site is invaluable, take heed of the advice. Keep your chin up, Keep busy around the home,go for a walk to clear your head etc!
Go to AA, you will make friends as you attend meetings. You already have one thing in common with everyone else in the rooms. As I said read the responses you get and take heed of them, they do help! Like your one just helped me a few minutes ago! I am in a different place than I was 24hrs ago.
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