The not so brief story of what has led me here.
International Man of Mystery
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Richmond VA
Posts: 213
The not so brief story of what has led me here.
A little background...
I had my first drink at 16. I was an unpopular kid, so when the guys at work gave me a beer I felt like I was getting the keys to the cool kids club. I hated the way it tasted, but drank anyways. Never to excess though. Fast forward to college and drinking is becoming more available to me. I would drink on the weekends, then weekdays, then anytime. By the time I was 21 I was a daily drinker.
I spent my early to mid 20's living with other heavy drinkers. We all worked as servers, we had cash on hand, and a lot of free time. We drank everyday, and excessively. What I've realized is that when you live with other heavy drinkers, you never feel like a drunk. Waking up in the morning to take shots isn't looked down at.
A few years later I get a serving job at a high end restaurant. Excellent money. But with the extra cash I am now drinking more. 6-12 drinks a night. When I came to work, my hands had become noticeably shakey, which is horrible for a server (splashing martinis, holding trays). I started drinking before work. Some days I would show up so drunk other employees would pull me to the side and give me breath mints.
It was during this period I received a DUI. Blew a 0.20. When I got my car back there was a 12 pack in the back seat I didn't remember buying. I was just happy that I didn't have to go to the store. I showed up to work one day in such bad shape I was sent home. Went right to a bar. A few months later I drank to much and woke up two hours late. My roommate went to get dressed to drive me in, and I had four shots of vodka before the ride. Got fired when I showed up, went to a bar.
I should have looked for a job, but I just drank. I though it would motivate me but it only motivated me to drink more. Totally broke, needing money for rent and car payments I committed a crime I knew was wrong for money. I was arrested five days later and in the end was sentenced to two years. I told myself that I needed to clean up my life. I thought that if I could be sober for two years, why start again? The day before my release, some friends bought me some homemade wine as a parting gift. I didn't hesitate. I drank it and felt that warm feeling again for the first time in two years.
Needless to say I was drinking again. I moved in with an old drinking buddy of mine, but he pretty much gave it up. Maybe 2-3 beers twice a month. This is the point where I had to hide my drinking. I'd leave to go get a sandwich and come back two hours later drunk with no food. I'm thinking I'm real slick, but if I'm slurring my words and falling over who am I fooling? After a few months I moved out to a room for rent.
At this point I can just go to my room and drink all I want and my drinking gets worse. 12, 18, 24 drinks a day. No real limit. Drink until I pass out, maybe do it again if it's before 12. If I had two days off I wouldn't remember them. Beer bottles everywhere. Only getting dressed to buy beer, and eating almost nothing. I went to an AA meeting and stopped for two days, but I felt it wasn't for me, and the withdrawal was worse than the hangovers I was getting. Back to drinking.
This last week because of weird scheduling I had four days in a row off. Drank everyday excessively. Wake up hungover, drink to fix it, repeat. The fifth day I couldn't go to work. I made up a story to buy me two days off. Drank the first one, work up the second with the combined hangover of the last six days. I didn't drink that day, I was too sick to leave the house. The next day before work I bought a pint of vodka and drank half of it, just so I could walk in. It was a 14 hour shift, and the last 7-8 were total agony.
My girlfriend left me last month. She was a heavy drinker to, and I thought 'this is great', but we drank together and argued a lot and it got to the point where we started hiding drinking to make it seem like the other one was the problem.
Lost relationships, lost jobs, lost my freedom, always sick. The average person would see the problem, and I do, I just ignore it. I'm at a loss. I know the best course of action is quitting, but I'm not sure where to start. I don't feel like AA is for me. I know the longer I quit the harder I will drink when at some point something pushes me over the edge.
Sorry for the long post, just felt like getting some of this out.
I had my first drink at 16. I was an unpopular kid, so when the guys at work gave me a beer I felt like I was getting the keys to the cool kids club. I hated the way it tasted, but drank anyways. Never to excess though. Fast forward to college and drinking is becoming more available to me. I would drink on the weekends, then weekdays, then anytime. By the time I was 21 I was a daily drinker.
I spent my early to mid 20's living with other heavy drinkers. We all worked as servers, we had cash on hand, and a lot of free time. We drank everyday, and excessively. What I've realized is that when you live with other heavy drinkers, you never feel like a drunk. Waking up in the morning to take shots isn't looked down at.
A few years later I get a serving job at a high end restaurant. Excellent money. But with the extra cash I am now drinking more. 6-12 drinks a night. When I came to work, my hands had become noticeably shakey, which is horrible for a server (splashing martinis, holding trays). I started drinking before work. Some days I would show up so drunk other employees would pull me to the side and give me breath mints.
It was during this period I received a DUI. Blew a 0.20. When I got my car back there was a 12 pack in the back seat I didn't remember buying. I was just happy that I didn't have to go to the store. I showed up to work one day in such bad shape I was sent home. Went right to a bar. A few months later I drank to much and woke up two hours late. My roommate went to get dressed to drive me in, and I had four shots of vodka before the ride. Got fired when I showed up, went to a bar.
I should have looked for a job, but I just drank. I though it would motivate me but it only motivated me to drink more. Totally broke, needing money for rent and car payments I committed a crime I knew was wrong for money. I was arrested five days later and in the end was sentenced to two years. I told myself that I needed to clean up my life. I thought that if I could be sober for two years, why start again? The day before my release, some friends bought me some homemade wine as a parting gift. I didn't hesitate. I drank it and felt that warm feeling again for the first time in two years.
Needless to say I was drinking again. I moved in with an old drinking buddy of mine, but he pretty much gave it up. Maybe 2-3 beers twice a month. This is the point where I had to hide my drinking. I'd leave to go get a sandwich and come back two hours later drunk with no food. I'm thinking I'm real slick, but if I'm slurring my words and falling over who am I fooling? After a few months I moved out to a room for rent.
At this point I can just go to my room and drink all I want and my drinking gets worse. 12, 18, 24 drinks a day. No real limit. Drink until I pass out, maybe do it again if it's before 12. If I had two days off I wouldn't remember them. Beer bottles everywhere. Only getting dressed to buy beer, and eating almost nothing. I went to an AA meeting and stopped for two days, but I felt it wasn't for me, and the withdrawal was worse than the hangovers I was getting. Back to drinking.
This last week because of weird scheduling I had four days in a row off. Drank everyday excessively. Wake up hungover, drink to fix it, repeat. The fifth day I couldn't go to work. I made up a story to buy me two days off. Drank the first one, work up the second with the combined hangover of the last six days. I didn't drink that day, I was too sick to leave the house. The next day before work I bought a pint of vodka and drank half of it, just so I could walk in. It was a 14 hour shift, and the last 7-8 were total agony.
My girlfriend left me last month. She was a heavy drinker to, and I thought 'this is great', but we drank together and argued a lot and it got to the point where we started hiding drinking to make it seem like the other one was the problem.
Lost relationships, lost jobs, lost my freedom, always sick. The average person would see the problem, and I do, I just ignore it. I'm at a loss. I know the best course of action is quitting, but I'm not sure where to start. I don't feel like AA is for me. I know the longer I quit the harder I will drink when at some point something pushes me over the edge.
Sorry for the long post, just felt like getting some of this out.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,746
Why not start by just not drinking today. Then when tomorrow becomes today, do it again. And just because you go any length of time sober, doesn't mean you have to cave in and drink at some time down the road. That is a mindset for failure.
Believe that you won't fail, not the other way around.
I used to think that I was hopeless but I got sober with the help of my counselor and this site. It's worked for over three years now.
The life you describe sounds lonely and miserable. Wouldn't it be better to be fully aware and healthy and happy? Give it a good try. Stay sober and see how you like it. I'd never go back to drinking again, I'm too happy sober.
Sober since October
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, Ncognito.
Welcome to SR.
You are right -the best course of action is quitting. It's, actually, the only course of action to get your life back.
Where to start? If you don't feel like going to AA, there are other options. Explore secular connection threads at this site -AVRT, SMART, etc.
Quitting is not easy, but it will save your life. Even though now it seem like mission impossible - it is possible.
Make a commitment to yourself. Real commitment that you want you life back. You didn't drink for two years, so you can do it now.
Take one day at a time. Make a plan to keep you busy every day.
Keep posting here, it really helps.
Best wishes to you , hang in here.
It's really awesome place where no one will judge you, but offer support and great advice.
Take care.
Welcome to SR.
You are right -the best course of action is quitting. It's, actually, the only course of action to get your life back.
Where to start? If you don't feel like going to AA, there are other options. Explore secular connection threads at this site -AVRT, SMART, etc.
Quitting is not easy, but it will save your life. Even though now it seem like mission impossible - it is possible.
Make a commitment to yourself. Real commitment that you want you life back. You didn't drink for two years, so you can do it now.
Take one day at a time. Make a plan to keep you busy every day.
Keep posting here, it really helps.
Best wishes to you , hang in here.
It's really awesome place where no one will judge you, but offer support and great advice.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Man, I hear you. I have been down that road and can identify with several things there. You say you're in the restaurant industry? I was too, that's where I was first introduced to cocaine (I was already a drinker) and other drugs back in my 20's. Has your family been able to help you at all? What about other support besides AA - like treatment or counseling?
In my case, I kept doing exactly what you're doing - and eventually ended up in the hospital after having severe withdrawl seizures. That's what got me into treatment and recovery - I would have never gone on my own and it took a near death experience and a strong family to get me in those doors. I hope it doesn't happen that way for you.
Nice work on coming here and sharing your story. It's a big step, just having the DESIRE to do this. Congrats on that, I give you points for showing up and looking around. Good luck!
In my case, I kept doing exactly what you're doing - and eventually ended up in the hospital after having severe withdrawl seizures. That's what got me into treatment and recovery - I would have never gone on my own and it took a near death experience and a strong family to get me in those doors. I hope it doesn't happen that way for you.
Nice work on coming here and sharing your story. It's a big step, just having the DESIRE to do this. Congrats on that, I give you points for showing up and looking around. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 414
Welcome to SR Ncognito! You will find a lot of comfort and support in this forum.
Your story is my story, but somehow I was lucky enough to get a second chance and avoid imprisonment. You've lost a lot because of your drinking, but that only means you have so much more to gain in recovery. For me, outpatient treatment, AA, therapy, and reconnecting with my higher power were my saving graces.
Give yourself the life you deserve and start turning things around today. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Doing it "our way" got us in a lot of trouble. Stick around, read, post... Thank you for sharing.
Your story is my story, but somehow I was lucky enough to get a second chance and avoid imprisonment. You've lost a lot because of your drinking, but that only means you have so much more to gain in recovery. For me, outpatient treatment, AA, therapy, and reconnecting with my higher power were my saving graces.
Give yourself the life you deserve and start turning things around today. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Doing it "our way" got us in a lot of trouble. Stick around, read, post... Thank you for sharing.
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