Not coping so well....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 5
Not coping so well....
Hello. I stumbled to this forum whole looking for advice on talking to my husband about his drinking. A little background and I am sorry if this is really long but I really have had no avenue to discuss this before and I feel like I have so much to say.
I am a mother of three (16,13,11) and have been married for 17 years. Over the past 5 years my husband increased his alcohol consumption little by little. In the beginning I did not notice as it was “only” a beer or two per night after work. He holds a very good job, albeit stressful, and the drinking has not interfered with that. He does not drink at work during the day it begins after work everyday and all weekend long. He drinks between 6 and 8 beer per night. The weekends much more and Friday evening through Sunday I don’t know that he draws a sober breath.
It has bothered me for the last two years and we have had mild arguments over it. Discussions more so. Over the last couple of years when he has been really intoxicated and an argument ensued he has said, “Maybe I should go to AA, what do you think”? My response has been, “I can’t make that choice for you, you have to want to go for yourself”. This tells me he knows there is a problem, but has not made the steps to resolve it.
Our son (16) confronted his father three weeks ago. It seems when the alcohol really takes hold of him he wants to try to be a Dad. It usually ends in an argument between the two of them. Our son said to him, “Dad, I love you, but why do you always have to drink on Sunday? I have no respect for you when you drink, you act stupid.” They argued and our son left for the rest of the evening telling me to call him when Dad sobers up. I sent my husband to bed for the night at 7 pm that Sunday and our son returned. There have been several incidents similar to this. Our other two children do not get involved but I am not that naďve, I know they see it and it is affecting them. Unfortunately my husband does not see that it is his drinking that is causing the issues between him and out son, he is of the opinion that he is just disrespectful.
I have let this go on, without doing much to try to stop it and I am not coping very well with it any longer. I do not cry but I want to, I try to be strong and I know I am showing that on the outside, but I feel like I could crumble at any moment. I know I enable it as I take over as if I am the only parent. I make sure everyone is fed and happy, I take them to friends houses and all the events that they are involved in. I attend as many of their sports events as I can. I am certain the other parent around know something is up as he does not attend any events in the evening or on the weekend. If I am not home it seems he drinks more tho so it’s a catch 22.
Before everyone jumps on the Al Anon bandwagon, I will tell you that I attended one meeting. I come from a very small community and the night I went it was me and the facilitator. I knew I didn’t have to speak but with no one else there so it was rather uncomfortable. I said what I wanted to but I have not returned. Its also hard because I do not want to leave the kids at home with him if he is drinking and as I said before when I am home he tends to drink a bit less.
This weekend I tried to figure out the cost financially (I already know the emotional toll it is taking). So Monday until Sunday evening, my husband alone consumed 3 bottles of wine and 80 beer. The numbers are staggering to me.
All that being said. I did let this go for a long time and I am uncertain how to confront or talk to him about it. I have made the decision that I am not willing to live like this, it is much less then myself and our three kids deserve. My heart breaks for our kids and I do not want them thinking that this is everyones “Normal”. But how do I approach the subject without causing a fight. Our kids are always at home during the week and in case of an argument I would prefer them not to be around and on the weekends he is usually too intoxicated and I stay quiet as not to cause an argument.
Any advice would be appreciated. Once again, sorry for the lengthy post….
I am a mother of three (16,13,11) and have been married for 17 years. Over the past 5 years my husband increased his alcohol consumption little by little. In the beginning I did not notice as it was “only” a beer or two per night after work. He holds a very good job, albeit stressful, and the drinking has not interfered with that. He does not drink at work during the day it begins after work everyday and all weekend long. He drinks between 6 and 8 beer per night. The weekends much more and Friday evening through Sunday I don’t know that he draws a sober breath.
It has bothered me for the last two years and we have had mild arguments over it. Discussions more so. Over the last couple of years when he has been really intoxicated and an argument ensued he has said, “Maybe I should go to AA, what do you think”? My response has been, “I can’t make that choice for you, you have to want to go for yourself”. This tells me he knows there is a problem, but has not made the steps to resolve it.
Our son (16) confronted his father three weeks ago. It seems when the alcohol really takes hold of him he wants to try to be a Dad. It usually ends in an argument between the two of them. Our son said to him, “Dad, I love you, but why do you always have to drink on Sunday? I have no respect for you when you drink, you act stupid.” They argued and our son left for the rest of the evening telling me to call him when Dad sobers up. I sent my husband to bed for the night at 7 pm that Sunday and our son returned. There have been several incidents similar to this. Our other two children do not get involved but I am not that naďve, I know they see it and it is affecting them. Unfortunately my husband does not see that it is his drinking that is causing the issues between him and out son, he is of the opinion that he is just disrespectful.
I have let this go on, without doing much to try to stop it and I am not coping very well with it any longer. I do not cry but I want to, I try to be strong and I know I am showing that on the outside, but I feel like I could crumble at any moment. I know I enable it as I take over as if I am the only parent. I make sure everyone is fed and happy, I take them to friends houses and all the events that they are involved in. I attend as many of their sports events as I can. I am certain the other parent around know something is up as he does not attend any events in the evening or on the weekend. If I am not home it seems he drinks more tho so it’s a catch 22.
Before everyone jumps on the Al Anon bandwagon, I will tell you that I attended one meeting. I come from a very small community and the night I went it was me and the facilitator. I knew I didn’t have to speak but with no one else there so it was rather uncomfortable. I said what I wanted to but I have not returned. Its also hard because I do not want to leave the kids at home with him if he is drinking and as I said before when I am home he tends to drink a bit less.
This weekend I tried to figure out the cost financially (I already know the emotional toll it is taking). So Monday until Sunday evening, my husband alone consumed 3 bottles of wine and 80 beer. The numbers are staggering to me.
All that being said. I did let this go for a long time and I am uncertain how to confront or talk to him about it. I have made the decision that I am not willing to live like this, it is much less then myself and our three kids deserve. My heart breaks for our kids and I do not want them thinking that this is everyones “Normal”. But how do I approach the subject without causing a fight. Our kids are always at home during the week and in case of an argument I would prefer them not to be around and on the weekends he is usually too intoxicated and I stay quiet as not to cause an argument.
Any advice would be appreciated. Once again, sorry for the lengthy post….
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Yikes, if he is drinking 80 beers and three bottles of wine in a six day period, I do not know when he would even be sober enough to entertain any subject matter with him.
Intoxicated people, do not process information, like normal sober people do. Even if you got lucky and caught him in the morning before he started drinking, his brain is still under the influence.
An addict will say what he has to in order to protect his addiction.
He will say one of two things, he will either deny there is a problem, or promise to quit/curb his drinking.
In dealing with an addict, we watch there actions and not their words. Words are meaningless.
Hope you continue reading and posting. Lots of powerful, accurate information here at sober recovery, to help you understand what addiction truly is. Learning the facts of this horrible disease helped guide me in making healthy life choices for myself .
You are correct, you must protect your children first, no child deserves to grow up in an addicted household.
We will be here to support you.
Intoxicated people, do not process information, like normal sober people do. Even if you got lucky and caught him in the morning before he started drinking, his brain is still under the influence.
An addict will say what he has to in order to protect his addiction.
He will say one of two things, he will either deny there is a problem, or promise to quit/curb his drinking.
In dealing with an addict, we watch there actions and not their words. Words are meaningless.
Hope you continue reading and posting. Lots of powerful, accurate information here at sober recovery, to help you understand what addiction truly is. Learning the facts of this horrible disease helped guide me in making healthy life choices for myself .
You are correct, you must protect your children first, no child deserves to grow up in an addicted household.
We will be here to support you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, notcopingwell. I hope someday you can change that name to "coping fantastically!"
I second Marie's post above. I think over the last two years, you have found speaking to him to be useless and upsetting.
Maybe just quietly educate yourself to addictions and do some research on your choices here. Keep reading as much as you can, and reach out for support wherever you can find it. Google "Al-Anon speaker tapes" and see if you can find some recorded meetings you can at least listen to.
Keep posting, and keep coming back!
~T
I second Marie's post above. I think over the last two years, you have found speaking to him to be useless and upsetting.
Maybe just quietly educate yourself to addictions and do some research on your choices here. Keep reading as much as you can, and reach out for support wherever you can find it. Google "Al-Anon speaker tapes" and see if you can find some recorded meetings you can at least listen to.
Keep posting, and keep coming back!
~T
Living and Loving Life at Last
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: gods own country
Posts: 12,168
Welcome NCW, it sound like you have an awful lot on your plate. The biggest problem is getting your husband sober enough for long enough to be able to talk to him. I feel that The situation with your son will continue to escalate as he loses respect for his father, and as he is reaching maturity himself. You say his drinking does not affect his work, this I cannot believe, due to the amount he is consuming. He may be turning up every day, but his abilities will be reduced. If it were me, I think in the first instance, I would ask him not the drink the following night, as you need to discuss the children. I he is not able to do this, I would then put down in an email to him, all that you have said here. If he is still not willing or able to make any changes in his behaviour, then I feel you need to begin to consider yourself and your children, and decide what is it you need to do to make your lives better.
I have seen both sides of this coin. My exh was am alcoholic who couldn't/ wouldn't change his ways. I am now a recovering alcoholic who decided that what I now have is more precious than alcohol, my family mean too much to me to further risk.
I wish you luck and strength my friend
I have seen both sides of this coin. My exh was am alcoholic who couldn't/ wouldn't change his ways. I am now a recovering alcoholic who decided that what I now have is more precious than alcohol, my family mean too much to me to further risk.
I wish you luck and strength my friend
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It isn't "enabling" for you to take care of the children's needs if he won't/can't. Their needs come before his issues.
I would check into Al-Anon again, maybe expanding your search to the surrounding communities. It's worth a bit of a drive to find a meeting, but it can help immeasurably. Would your son be willing to talk to a counselor at school about his feelings about his dad? The counselor at school might have some other resources available, too.
Do you have any friends who could maybe take the kids for a weekend so you could try having a conversation with him? You could tell him the minute he gets home on Friday that you need to have a serious talk, and it has to be NOW. Don't get your hopes up too high, but the fact that he has brought up AA a couple of times suggests he MIGHT be willing to consider it. All he has to do is pick up the phone and they can send a couple of people over to talk to him about the program. They won't drag him if he isn't interested. But another alcoholic can often break through another alcoholic's denial--just because they KNOW what it's like, what they are feeling and thinking.
Just a thought.
I would check into Al-Anon again, maybe expanding your search to the surrounding communities. It's worth a bit of a drive to find a meeting, but it can help immeasurably. Would your son be willing to talk to a counselor at school about his feelings about his dad? The counselor at school might have some other resources available, too.
Do you have any friends who could maybe take the kids for a weekend so you could try having a conversation with him? You could tell him the minute he gets home on Friday that you need to have a serious talk, and it has to be NOW. Don't get your hopes up too high, but the fact that he has brought up AA a couple of times suggests he MIGHT be willing to consider it. All he has to do is pick up the phone and they can send a couple of people over to talk to him about the program. They won't drag him if he isn't interested. But another alcoholic can often break through another alcoholic's denial--just because they KNOW what it's like, what they are feeling and thinking.
Just a thought.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 5
Thank you fourmaggie. I have read "co-dependant no more". It was actually suggested that the two of us read it together via a marriage counsellor that I was able to convince him to go to. We no longer go to the counselling as while we were reading the book my husband came up with the idea that he was being targeted as an alcoholic and refused to go back. At that point four years ago the drinking was much less of a problem and I was trying to prevent it from getting any worse. I don't think he ever finished the book, but I did, and did get benefit from it.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear notcoping well, at this point, with the amounts that y our husband is consuming, he probably can't just quit--cold turkey--without significant withdrawl. Has the posibility of a medically supervised detox ever been discussed?
It is often said, around here, that "nothing changes if nothing changes". At this point it seems that the alcohol is controlling and hurting everyone in the family. It is hurting the children, you, and, of course--your husband also. The children are so vulnerable and have less voice and choice than anyone.
In your reading and studying, you will learn that you didn't cause the alcoholism---and you can't control it and can't "fix" it. Your husband will have to to that--if he ever decides that he wants to.
Your husband is going to do what he is going to do. It will be up to you to decide what you want to do.
Coming here to talk about it is a good first step---as well as educating yourself as to the realities of this family disease.
Countless others have been in your same position. You can turn to them to help light your way.
sincerely, dandylion
It is often said, around here, that "nothing changes if nothing changes". At this point it seems that the alcohol is controlling and hurting everyone in the family. It is hurting the children, you, and, of course--your husband also. The children are so vulnerable and have less voice and choice than anyone.
In your reading and studying, you will learn that you didn't cause the alcoholism---and you can't control it and can't "fix" it. Your husband will have to to that--if he ever decides that he wants to.
Your husband is going to do what he is going to do. It will be up to you to decide what you want to do.
Coming here to talk about it is a good first step---as well as educating yourself as to the realities of this family disease.
Countless others have been in your same position. You can turn to them to help light your way.
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 17
Welcome and glad you are with us. It is a slow and steady progression of how our lives becomes unmanageable and we have not control over the outcome when our partner decides that the love of alcohol outweighs the love of his family. My experience has taught me that as the woman of a family with kids, bills, home to run it is imperative to search for information and guidance through others that have come before me. I seek their wisdom and understand as I deal with the aftermath of my AH self-destruction. I too pleaded with my AH for 6 years to acknowledge the problem it has only been the last 2 years and 4 rehabs later that it finally has accepted his limitations and is now facing the real consequences of his actions. This final time is the last time I will ever go through the humiliation or lies my AH has put me through. It is only when the A hits their bottom whatever that maybe is when they might finally seek true recovery. This place is full of comfort and understanding and we are all here with you. Glad you are here and you made the first step by sharing your story with us. Keep coming back...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I feel for you and for your children-- especially your oldest son. My xAH would play "fun involved Dad" when he was drinking and he thought he was great and I would cringe watching my little girls be visibly uncomfortable. If I said anything there was an explosion and if they were uncomfortable and didn't want his "fun dad" time he was angry. They were 4 and 2 when I noticed this first. So for sure your 3 kids are all being impacted.
Haved you considered asking him to leave? Or could you leave? It sounds like he doesn't contribute emotionally to the family in any way... I was afraid to leave or have my xAH leave for a long time bc I wasn't sure that I wanted the unfamiliar....
I can tell you with certainty that leaving the familiar and going with the unknown was the best thing ever for my kids and I. It has been hard, my xAH has been awful to me and to them but when I go to bed at night and put my kids to bed it is peaceful...
You and your kids deserve a peaceful life.
And if it helps to know-- the experience you had with Codependent No More with your AH and the counselor is exactly the same I had.... We saw a counselor, we were both to read it and ALL he got out of it was that he was being wrongly "blamed" and "accused"... Insane...
Glad you are here and hope you will find it supportive and helpful.
Haved you considered asking him to leave? Or could you leave? It sounds like he doesn't contribute emotionally to the family in any way... I was afraid to leave or have my xAH leave for a long time bc I wasn't sure that I wanted the unfamiliar....
I can tell you with certainty that leaving the familiar and going with the unknown was the best thing ever for my kids and I. It has been hard, my xAH has been awful to me and to them but when I go to bed at night and put my kids to bed it is peaceful...
You and your kids deserve a peaceful life.
And if it helps to know-- the experience you had with Codependent No More with your AH and the counselor is exactly the same I had.... We saw a counselor, we were both to read it and ALL he got out of it was that he was being wrongly "blamed" and "accused"... Insane...
Glad you are here and hope you will find it supportive and helpful.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 170
Hello and welcome NCW. I've been where you are now and it's the start of a journey to finding yourself and learning how to detach from the chaos created by the A in your life. You will find lots of wonderful pinned threads here that will help you. Also did you know there are online Al-Anon meetings? Those might work for you. It's really good to have you here and I admire your courage.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I can say as a recovering alcoholic (21.5 years) that active alcoholics are self-centered in the extreme and that there is nothing you or anyone can say that will stop the drinking. Your husband must want sobriety desperately to stay sober. So I suggest putting your children first: you're right that it is a harmful environment for them. I'm sending you a prayer because I know how heart-wrenching your situation is but there is a way out. The first step is asking for help, which you've done. Alanon is a wonderful program with the support of others who have traveled this tough path.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 5
I must thank each of you for your advice and kind words. It helps to know that I am not alone. I will try an online al-anon meeting I did not know about them and am willing try anything to save myself and our kids from the destructive mental strain. I did try separating from him not all over the alcohol and when we made the decision to try to work through thing we said if either one of us walked again there would be no more chances. That part scares me, because for as much as I hate the drinking I do love the man I married so many years ago and I know he is in there somewhere.
his week seems better thus far (Approx 6 per night) but the weekend is fast approaching and I am cringing at the thought of it. I have planned an outing with my oldest to talk about what is happening and to let him get his feelings out, I know he is hurting immensely. Right now he is not speaking to his father due to the argument last weekend. The younger two I do plan on talking to in a much more simple style. I wonder if the kids and I attended counselling together if that would help. If he knew we were doing this without him and because of him it may trigger something.
Again thank you to all of you. I feel very fortunate to have made my way here. It helps just to let it out. Starting to see that the healing must start now in any way I can for myself, my kids and hopefully in time my AH.
his week seems better thus far (Approx 6 per night) but the weekend is fast approaching and I am cringing at the thought of it. I have planned an outing with my oldest to talk about what is happening and to let him get his feelings out, I know he is hurting immensely. Right now he is not speaking to his father due to the argument last weekend. The younger two I do plan on talking to in a much more simple style. I wonder if the kids and I attended counselling together if that would help. If he knew we were doing this without him and because of him it may trigger something.
Again thank you to all of you. I feel very fortunate to have made my way here. It helps just to let it out. Starting to see that the healing must start now in any way I can for myself, my kids and hopefully in time my AH.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
Your life is very similar to mine. My ADH drinking pattern is exactly the same as yours. It progressed the same having a beer or two after work years ago to non-stop drinking when he is home now. He also drinks from the time he gets off work until bedtime and then all weekend long. He also goes to work all week at a professional high stress job and has never missed a day. My kids are younger so they havent picked up yet on his behaviors but I also dont want them to think this is "normal". You unfortunately have a teenager who is very wise and can see what the alcohol does to his father. I am cringing the day that happens in my family. I too have made mention over the years that Im worried about his drinking and he should look into AA but never really forced the issue. Im feeling the same way you are. I am at the end of my rope. I have held the family together too long and something has to change. Im ready to discuss it with him and set a clear boundary of no longer living with an alcoholic. Its not fair to the kids or myself to have every interaction with him be "under the influece" of alcohol. Something has to change. It appears out ADH's are functioning barely but soon it all will crumble.They will only be able to hold it together for so long before the addiction continues to take over. Please post when you talk to your younger children I would like advice on how you talked to them about it. I just wanted you to know you are not alone.
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