worriedinok

I'm new here..I'm a parent of an alcoholic daughter..who is pregnant as well and she is suffering from PTSD..from sex abuse from her father..who is now in prison. She has just started last couple of years having flashbacks..and anxiety. I'm came looking on the internet for understanding and help. I know I need to Let Go and Let God..none of us have been going to church in a while. Moved and haven't found one we are comfortable with. I'm so scared for her..I want to fix it all and I know I can't..but I still want to. She is in counseling..but not as often as she should I think. Counselor is hard to get a hold of. She was sober for a while..then had a lapse a couple of weeks ago..then sobered again..then drank the last couple of days. Today is the first day of sober again. The baby's daddy doesn't help matters any at all. He causes more anxiety..stresses her out..afraid she will lose the baby to him. I try to reassure her..momma's are first choice when it comes to courts and custody..but she still worries. I just need prayers and understanding..and maybe tips on how to let go and let God..or how I can help her..

worriedinok

I'm thinking she may need to go to a detox..but afraid of what will happen concerning the baby. Concerned if she keeps drinking and concerned they might take it away when it's born. I just feel at a loss..and don't know who to talk to who can help.

BlueSkies1

I would be worried too. That growing baby could end up with fetal alcohol syndrome, which means it would have brain injuries for life.
I would try, if she is living in your house, to tell her that she needs safe meds to help her, and march her over to the counselor's or wherever she can get them. They know what meds to administor to her to help her that won't hurt the baby too. She would get what she needs--to be medicated--and the baby would get away from alcohol, which is what the baby needs.
This I think is crucial. Timing is everything here. A severely handicapped baby from fetal alcohol syndrome would be so sad, and a big burden of caring for a child like that for life, when there could have been a child with normal brain function.
Church isn't going to help you here with the outcome. It may help you cope, but it won't change the facts of fetal alcohol syndrome. The emergency is in seeing a doctor that will give her meds that will help her to feel good enough that she doesn't need alcohol too on top of those meds.
Is this medical advice? NO...only a doctor can give that. It is a very strong suggestion that you seek out a doctor that can help...and quickly! Every day she drinks could be destroying that baby's brain, and your daughter needs help quickly. Self-medicating with alcohol is not a medication any doctor would prescribe. I bet they know of some medication (for anxiety, depression, ptsd, whatever they diagnose her with) that would help and not destroy the baby in the process.

Maylie

First I want to welcome you to SR! This is a really great place to learn from others who have been there/are still there and to vent about anything you feel you need to get off your chest.

Unfortunately there is nothing to we can to get our loved ones to sober up. It doesn't matter how much we love them, how many times we explain to them that they need to get help, doesn't matter if we yell, beg, cry, etc. In the end, they are the only ones that can get themselves to sober up and we have to find a way to detach and let them make their own choices.

She is going to keep drinking until she decides she wants recovery more than anything else. No one makes her drink except her. It doesn't matter if someone stresses her out or makes her worry, that person is not responsible for her drinking, only she is. Her fears to losing her unborn baby to the father are real, she is pregnant and continuing to drink which is horribly affecting the unborn baby. The longer she drinks the higher the chances of the child developing fetal alcohol syndrome and other physical and psychological problems.

All you can do is take care of yourself and allow her to be an adult and make her own choices. The only thing we can control is how we react to our addicted loved ones and to stop ourselves from enabling them. Have you considered going to Al-non meetings? They are meetings for the loved ones of alcoholics and the rooms are filled with people who understand what you are going through. In those meetings you'll learn how to detach and how to put yourself first.

Keep reading and posting on here. We all understand and we all care. As hard as it is to watch our loved ones go down a path of destruction, there is no reasoning with an alcoholic and all we can do is take care of ourselves and give them over to God in hopes that they will one day decide to end the madness.

worriedinok

What's strange is she is already on celexa..and buspar. She says she takes them, but I'm not sure. I don't see her take them. And yes she is living at home..and is 25. She didn't start drinking again until the last few weeks. She was sober at least for the first almost 2 trimesters. Which I am thankful for.

worriedinok

I have so much anxiety right now..I'm so scared for her and for the baby. How do you do something that could help your grandchild but hurt your baby daughter..I'm lost..and hurting right now..and I'm scared!! I had to fight to keep my babies when we went through the abuse mess...and I don't want her to go through that..I just want to cry but I'm at work..scared!!!

BlueSkies1

How about a talk tonight about that? The way you feel about how you almost lost your babies, and how you don't want her to lose hers!

You do have some control here because she lives in your house. How about--Honey, let's go talk to your doctor and see if your meds are working well, and your doctor might help adjust them as necessary so that you don't feel inclined to drink too.

You could also print out fetal alcohol syndrome information off the internet for her and hand it to her. Not to guilt her, but to educate her if she doesn't know.

I sympathize with your stress over this, I would too!

I hope someone comes along on this board who knows just how to handle this type of situation. Wait a few hours and if the right people don't contact you, then perhaps contacting her doctor directly is in order.

Here is the link for the national institute of fetal alcohol syndrome for expectant mothers. http://www.nofas.org/expectant-mother/

LexieCat

She (and the baby) need medical care. Antidepressants do not work well when someone is drinking, on top of them.

IF she is not fit to care for the baby, preference would be given to you or to another family member to care for the baby, with the goal of getting her on her feet so she can be a good mom. I would not hold back on the medical care out of fear the baby might be "taken"--if the baby needs to be removed from her care temporarily, that might be the best thing for both of them.

Archangelesk

Agreed. If she agrees to go to the doctor, then maybe she gets help and drinks less. If the doctor becomes concerned that she is not following the course of treatment, and is harming the fetus - then she should be reported. Like LexisCat said, placement options are likely to be with you or other family.

I found this, which is interesting in that it lists state laws as of 2012 and notes when fetuses are covered under child abuse statutes:

https://www.childwelfare.gov/systemw...rugexposed.pdf

worriedinok

Thank you for the link Archangeldesk. I looked at it..and it says for OK it looks like if when the baby is born, either the mother or the child test positive for drugs or alcohol, then they will be obligated to call child services.

Update, today I have talked to her twice on the phone, she is at home, and she seems sober. She is worried about her blood pressure and getting a nose bleed..which she has a little bit. Thank you all for your understanding. I feel like a bad person, because I'm worried about her as well as the baby, but I feel more for her at the moment..

worriedinok

Oops I posted before I was done..ugh. I know I should be more worried about the baby, a boy, than her. But as a mother, its very hard. You all seem very understanding and I have to speak for the baby, because no one else is.

I guess part of my problem is the guilt I feel, for not realizing the abuse sooner than I did..and so my part in the problems she is having now..

wicked

Oh, I am so sorry for your pain worriedinok. My daughter was abused too, and I was so down on the couch with my depression I did not take notice, luckily, someone did.
They called CPS and they came to me with the news about my child. I was so hurt, angry guilty and wow, I could have murdered her abuser.

But, I had to go back to meetings (AA), therapy for us together and her separately, and the entire family together. We needed help.

Please, think of your daughter and that baby inside her (as I know you are), you all need help.
Do not wait for that knock on the door, go to them. Ask for help.

Go to AlAnon for yourself, you will learn what is yours to fix and what is not.
Your daughter must get help now. Right now. If she has been sober before, she can do it again.
The guilt she is trying to drink away will only get worse.
Sadly, I know this from experience. It stops only when it stops.

But, as an alcoholic, I can tell you what matters in this moment is not feeling.
Not feeling the pain, the guilt, the embarrassment, the love of others (that we feel we do not deserve).
All feelings must be numbed to just breathe sometimes.
(For me that is how it was).

I know she can do this. Take her to the doctor. Be brutally honest.
It is the only way to get well.
Your worry for the baby is real, but not productive at this time.

Use that energy to gather your strength.
Make those phone calls, find out about her disease, go to Alanon.
Be strong in yourself as the good mother you are, and be strong for your daughter until she can do it herself.

I know how hard it is sometimes to leave the guilt behind.
Just remember that if you knew better you would have done better,
and nothing you do now will change the past.

You can do what ever you can to make your, your daughter's and the baby's life better now. Because all that matters is now.

I hope this post comes across as helpful, caring and loving towards you worriedinok.
I have been where you are, and have made it through. Tough lessons learned.
Please know I am hopeful in Michigan, that all will turn out for the best.

Hugs and prayers sent your way, and for daughter and grand-baby.

Beth

PS
I do know that depressive disorders are

LexieCat

You know, the alcoholism isn't necessarily due to the abuse. It can happen all on its own, without any known cause. That's the deal with me--I am an alcoholic, almost five years sober, and nothing really horrible ever happened to me. The abuse probably aggravates the whole situation, and might complicate her recovery, but I know many people who have successfully recovered and lived happy lives despite abuse and other trauma in their past. She may need extra therapy and help, but there is hope, if she wants to get well.

Hugs, take good care of YOURSELF, too, in the meantime. Please check into Al-Anon for yourself. It can help with the stress and worry--a LOT.

worriedinok

Well tonight she finally admitted she needs help thank the Lord

worriedinok

Update..she is at the hospital now. Baby's heartbeat is good. They have put her on Zofran and hooked an iv up. Thank you everyone.. I'm still worried..I hope this sticks. She keeps saying she is a bad mom, I tell her you are doing the right thing for your baby right now. Prayer please

Florence

Mom guilt is one deep well to go wading into. I try not to dip a toe in, or I could fall down and stay there.

Archangelesk

I have nothing but compassion for your feelings. Right now, the baby, although your future grandchild, is an abstraction to you. But you know and deeply love your child. It is okay to put your daughter first.

I'd look at it this way - your child will suffer imensely if she brings her own child into this world and that child is damaged by her choice to drink. The medical bills and logistical nightmares caused by disability could be horrendous. Add on the emotional duress of having a baby to love that she knows that she damaged. If she is open to talking about this, then, if I were you, I would have that discussion and help her get into detox, before she continues doing something that is threatening to completely destroy HER life.

If she is not open to you help, then you have to face the fact that you will not be helping her or her baby by enabling her.

Either way, I hope you invest in you. I urge you to find a therapist and attend Al-Anon so that you can learn the skills you need to detach.

Another thought. You may loose your daughter to addiction. Or she may recover. It is out of your hands. But, you have an oppurtunity with this new child. This baby is going to need someone healthy to love and nuture him. And once he is born, you will love him as you love your daughter. So, although your daughter's future is hers to write, you may be able to be a force for good for this baby. I'd find a family law lawyer. Talk to your local bar association for recommendations. Find out what the law is in Oklamhoma related to grandparental custody.

And, who knows. If you are able to navigate the legal system and take over this child, even if your daughter continues to self-destruct, you'll have given her the gift of not destroying her child with her. You have already seen how that plays out with your daughter's father. Just a thought - arming yourself with knowledge of the rules in play and all of your options is a great thing that you can do for you.

Archangelesk

I did not see this before I posted. Okay, victory for now. Your support of her was spot on - she is doing the right thing right now. And she can choose to do the right thing each day thereafter. She seems open to your help. I hope she will embrace recovery.

I am sending compassionate thoughts to all of you.

wicked

Wow, Florence this is exactly right.
I could fall in easily, and then the depressive disorder keeps me there.
I will think of it as a dangerous place I will not go.
Like an old mine shaft.

Thank you Florence.
Beth

worriedinok,

Thank you for this update.

She is not a bad mom. Just a sick mom who needs medical help.
Keep telling her that she is doing the right thing right now.
Please get to Al Anon, and work the program you wish she would.

Prayers are being sent right now, for all of you.
Strength for all of you.

Beth

worriedinok

Well she will be in hospital over the weekend. They have given her 3 bags of over so far. Gave her a little break then started another. And And her potassium was low as well
But we are hopefully on the right path.