MTSlideAddict

I am thirty this year. When I was in my early twenties I thought by this time I would have lived a little. I would have traveled and explored various places. I would have sky dived, and had scuba excursions. I would have been on a cruise ship, and seen Niagara Falls. I would have a career, and be starting a family. Maybe not all of them would have come true at this point in life yet, but the reality is none of those dreams have come true. I didn’t allow them to. I kept waiting for my AH to get on the same page. I kept trying to force him to skip through the chapters. The truth was, however, we are actually reading different books.

We did not share any of those dreams. My AH doesn’t like road trips, or to travel at all. He gets homesick after a few days. He hates planes, or ships. He has little interest in water structures unless he has an opportunity to fish. His main aspiration in life is money. He wants money and things. I like having things too, especially my techy toys, but seeing the world is important to me too. Whenever I asked him about traveling, or got excited about seeing something he would remark something regarding money. He would say we didn’t have enough, or to wait until such and such was in the bank. I understand money is an important necessity in life, but if we wait until we have enough of it then we’d be waiting our whole life. Reality is there will never be “enough” money for something that is not important to you. That has happened time and time again. Something always came up and such and such was never in the bank.

Only as I begin to uncover myself from these codependency chains have I realized that in reality my AH has been sucking me into reading his book. His book is filled with repetitive chapters of chaos and manipulation. His book has been filled with pain and hardships so far. His book is being narrated by the disease of alcohol addiction. Even as I try to tear pages out of my own book to fit into his, the pages do not stay. The bindings are different. My book’s pages go unread.

It is up to me now whether I want to continue reading his book in hopes of that happy ending. Maybe somewhere along the line some of my book’s pages would cohere to his book, or maybe my book of dreams would be placed on a shelf left to gather dust. Or, I can pick up my own book of dreams and start reading.

Archangelesk

Oh how I recognize the waiting.

I have recently started just doing things on my own, instead. I am shopping for a tent and sleeping bags to go camping with my boys over Memorial Day weekend. Yes, does it sound like more fun if my husband came. It does - in the delusional version I dream up. The reality is that he bails at the last moment, or is argumentative and obstructive the whole time.

Is he annoyed that I am doing it and harping about money and whatever else. Sure. It is just starting to become background noise.

I think we are going to have fun.

CodeJob

Thanks MTSlide & Archangelsk for putting into words realizations that I have not fully considered thus far. So often I would cook up 'fun' activities only to have AH nix them or put them down. In the last few years I have just pushed on living the family life more and more solo. I bit my tongue or got snippy with AH when I pushed through. How many times have it said in a brittle sing-song voice after some event, "Now wasn't that nice? I am so glad we did X." I did not realize the irritation from AH was really the addiction looking at less drinking time.

lillamy

Sometimes, HP gives us little hints along the path. Shortly after I left AXH, I was sitting in my shabby tiny apartment in a marginal neighborhood, happy that my budget was holding without help of the child support I knew would eventually disappear. But I saw my dreams, the dreams I had had before I, as you say, started living my life according to AXH's book, and I saw that they would never happen. I was a poor single mom close to 50 and I would struggle for the rest of my life.

Then my friend's husband left her. She was a few years older and a few pounds heavier than I was. Her kids were out of the house. She cried, she cursed her ex, and then she started fulfilling her dreams. She got into a career she had dreamed of (but thought she was too old for). She started skydiving and is now becoming a certified instructor. Her new job has taken her to corners of the world she hadn't even dreamed of ever getting to visit.

I have a picture of her first skydiving jump as the desktop background on my computer. It reminds me every time I see it that it is never too late. As long as you're alive, there's always hope. One of my favorite authors published her first novel at the age of 75. I guess she had finally gathered enough experiences to start writing.

Thirty is no age on a good horse, as my dad would say. Now that the fog has lifted and you can see that you were an extra in somebody else's life instead of starring in your own, you've taken the most important first step. Pursue those dreams. It's not too late.

LexieCat

Damn right. I'm 56 and just returned from my very first trip to Europe. I went all by myself and it wasn't without some minor disasters (I had pulled a muscle in my back horseback riding before I left, and it acted up on my riding adventure in Spain, so I wound up in pain for much of the trip), but I DID it. And the next adventure (my awesome NEW job is sending me to Fiji next month!) will most likely go a little smoother. I'm happily paying down all my debt and socking a little extra away so someday when I DO retire-retire I can still afford to go out and have fun. I am planning to learn to motorcycle (I didn't do the scooter thing in Spain--one of the guys on our riding trip, who owns an adventure guide business in Barcelona, told me I would be INSANE to do it--he's scared to ride a motorbike in Barcelona).

So yeah, maybe the dreams got postponed a bit, but 30 is SOOO young--you have years and years to find your dreams.

dandylion

Dear MTSlide, now that you have awareness, may I please ask exactly what is holding you back?

sincerely, dandylion

Bluegalangal

Thanks for this. I'm currently reading a book my therapist recommended called The Princess Who Believed in Fairy Tales. It's a parable kind of book but it has been helpful and interesting in a meta way (not in a concrete advice way). And this last paragraph made me think of the princess' journey. I'm not finished yet but I'm thinking one of the things she is learning is to read her own book.

MTSlideAddict

Basically, I struggle with fear. I think it is more fear of how will I support myself more than anything else. I am a student working on a certificate plan, which would hopefully open up wider opportunities to get my foot into a place toward my desired career and higher pay. That takes time though. I also have personal anxiety issues regarding driving in unknown areas. I think my driving issues are from me not trusting myself to make the right decisions. I am working with a therapist and actively working the Al-Anon’s step program.

I don't have an exit plan. I make little money myself; I mean so little money that my take home pay would be about 100% of what it would cost for any decent rental especially to live in the area. If a divorce were to be finalized or the year end comes I will be able to restructure our joint health insurance plan paid for by my work allowing me to free up about $300 more per month that is automatically deducted from my paycheck. Then I have to consider my vehicle and insurance bills along with many more including our joint debt to the IRS.

I wish it would be as easy as moving out and figuring the rest out later, but I just do not have a place to go. My parent’s house, I discovered, is not an option since last time I left home I stayed there, and I would cringe every time my dad drank which was every night. My anxiety level was high, and my relationship with my mom began to be compromised. That is one reason why I went home again. I have no friends that live in the area let alone the same state. I have people I talk to, but no one I would ask to hold me up for a bit. My brother is the only option I can think of, but he is newly married with a baby due in August and I am struggling with the thought of if I should ask him or not. I would love to be independent, and not rely on anyone. I want my own place with enough room for me, my dog, and my niece (if she chooses to come) to live comfortably.

I feel kind of stuck here at the moment. I’m stuck with joint debt and joint responsibilities, fear, and nowhere to go. So many things need to be untangled that it just seems so overwhelming.

Bluegalangal

But you don't have to decide today. Or tomorrow. You can come up with a plan, and it sounds like youre thinking about it. But that plan doesn't have to be executed today or tomorrow or next week, either. Just coming up with a plan might be all you are able or willing to do right now, and that's enough. One step at a time, one day at a time.

LexieCat

Agreed. Once you begin, you take it a step at a time and continue to chip away at the problems. You're doing that.

Is a roommate a possibility? Or house-sitting? I once house-sat for a few months in between jobs. Remember, you don't have to find a place you are going to live long-term. Every bit of everything doesn't have to come together at once (and usually they don't). I am terrible when it comes to driving, but GPS's are getting cheaper all the time. I don't know how I ever got along without mine.

Have you talked to a lawyer yet? Any possibility of temporary support?

There are ways to accomplish anything. Just think outside the box. Maybe you'd be roughing it for a few months. But as noted above, nothing has to be done this week or next week. Just keep brainstorming.

Recovering2

One day at a time. You don't have to figure it all out today. And with the help of AlAnon you can learn to detach while you're living in the situation so it doesn't suck you dry.

I had to start completely over in my life at age 40. It was really really scary at the time, but I just put one foot forward in front of the other each day. 30 is still soooo young, even if it feels old right now!

I heard someone say in Alanon, "I realized my happiness was on the other side of my fears. I had to push through the fear to be truly happy."

MTSlideAddict

I have never thought of house-sitting. Huh. Really, I haven't even explored the option of a roommate. I guess there are some avenues I still can explore.

The lawyer I found last year I really like. When we spoke last year he seemed understanding and confident that he could help me. Our situation is a bit different. Something about how Texas is not an equitable state and how all of our assets were obtained prior to marriage makes it a bit more complicated. I think that might end up working in my favor though. I recall him saying something about being able to get spousal’s support, but I think he mentioned it takes a bit of time. I believe I will be ready soon to call him again and make another appointment. I had his number pulled up a few times on my phone, but I wasn’t able to push “send.” Divorce is just so final. Something about finality is just so scary. I think it is a must, though, in order to truly detangle this web.

On a side note. I am reading Having Had a Spiritual Awaking an Al-Anon Family Groups’ book, and it is just so uplifting. It’s about different people’s experiences in discovering their higher power. I am working today, and despite everything going on I am smiling. I am bubbly to the visitors and most of the callers. The sun is shining, and I stopped to look at the birds when I was switching shift locations. The world is quite beautiful if you stop to look at it.

LexieCat

There ya go. You are doing the right stuff. Yes, divorce feels very scary, but think of all the people in the world, who are not as bright and competent as you are, who have done it, and come through on the other side. Big plus, you don't have children. That's where it REALLY gets complicated--or can. The rest is just living details. You aren't going to be picking through dumpsters or living in a car. You might have some lean years at first, but it is something you can endure. The FREEDOM--from worry, from stressing out when you get home every day, to do what you want when YOU want it--man, that is absolutely priceless. Trust me, once you get there, you will wonder what all the fuss was about.

Archangelesk

You what helped me MT? I realized filing for divorce was not final at all. It was just a step. Of course, in my jurisdiction it takes 2 years to finalize a contested divorce, so I have got time to keep figuring things out. But, ponder if you can break it down into something that feels less huge.

Absent some miracle of the sort that only happy to the fairy tale princesses in your book, I am fairly confident that, in my case, I am going to want final before this is all said and done. But, it also helps me to think that divorce is not necessarily final- who knows. I know a number of divorcees who later successfully remarried. I figure that by the time I get to signing papers, I will probably be itching to do so, but it helps to know I have choices every step of the way. My lawyer told me that many people file and never complete a divorce.

Tuffgirl

MT, for what its worth, I was and am financially independent with a great career and even I was scared at first. It's just scary. Accept that as a rational, valid emotion.

My fears were of other things, but providing for myself and my kids was in the top 10. And it has all worked out. As Lexie says, think outside the box. And keep your eyes open for opportunities that present themselves in the strangest of ways. If we aren't paying attention, we can miss them!

The fact that you are even thinking this way shows great strength and courage. You are moving in the right direction, and you are exactly where you need to be right now.

Peace,
~T

helltoraise

MT- My ex is around your age and I think struggling with similar issues of not being where he wants to be in life. He is alcoholic/pot smoker with bp. I think all of us can be feel this way I know have and do at times. I am older than him by 9 years. (please no judgments.) The thing is in our situation I wanted to do a lot of the same things he wanted to do which included traveling. Yet he still sabotaged my efforts. We had so much going for us. Similar goals, dreams, passions, his parents adored me and my children liked him. But no he threw away because he dreams of greener grass( other women) doing something "BIG" with his life like moving to Portland. It has really devastated me. Now all those similar dreams feel tainted because we shared them. I really thought we would have the adventure of a lifetime together. It was painful breaking up with him when he is telling me all the things he wants out of life and I know he knows I want them too. People would kill to have what we had. I don't know if I will ever find someone so in line with me again. He said being in a relationship won't get him a national obituary when he dies. I know it's petty, but I hope he regrets it. My point of all this is sometimes when we are approaching a relationship with love our partners are approaching it with control for whatever reason to push their agendas through.
Lillamy- thanks for your post. I am 38 and sometimes feel it is too late for me. My exabf is 29 and I sometimes feel envious that he has all this time to achieve his dreams. but then again who knows how much time any of us really do have.......