badgerman

I was recently dating a woman in her early 30s (same age as me) who is a recovering alcoholic. I entered the relationship knowing very little about alcoholism. I'm a very casual drinker who drinks about once every other week. She has been sober for just over three years. From what I can tell she is not heavily involved with a recovery program like AA. I think she was involved in the past. I spent 3-4 days a week with her and she never mentioned meetings. She basically said that her alcoholism was in her past, has no urge to drink, and has no problem being around people who do drink. I had a few drinks around her while we were dating. She talked about how life is so much better now that she's sober … and that she was finally at the point in her life where she could enter a healthy relationship with someone like me. We dated for two months and everything seemed to be going really well.

A day after she told me that I'm the love of her life and that I make her so happy, I received a text message from her saying that we can't be together anymore. She went on to write in her text message that she needs to do this for her, knows it's selfish, and that she's scared if she doesn't that she will go back to drinking. When I asked her (by text message) what happened in the one day for me to go from the love of her life to breaking up, she wrote, "I almost drank, so this is what's best. I'm sorry, you don't understand. I've been to hell before and I won't let myself go back. You're an amazing man. I'm the reason. That's it." She had been going through a lot of stress at work that had been affecting her emotions, so I'm thinking that may have possibly contributed to her almost-relapse.

It turns out that she left me for another recovering alcoholic who is five months sober … who was just a "guy friend" while we were dating. (She was hanging out with him the night before we broke up.) Interestingly, she had told me while we were dating that she would never, ever date another recovering alcoholic again because of a previous dating experience that she described as a nightmare.

I'm just really confused. I completely understand her need to make her sobriety the top priority in her life, but I'm confused how leaving me to be with a recovering alcoholic who is just five months into his sobriety will help her stay sober. She wrote in a text message when breaking up with me that she needs to be with someone who understands her addiction.

I know my two-month relationship with her isn't very long. I also realize that I could have been a lot more invested in the relationship, which would have made the breakup worse. So maybe this was a blessing in disguise. But I really liked her and everything seemed to be going well, so obviously I was surprised and hurt.

Can anyone shed any light on why she may have chosen to do what she did? Thanks for your help! Sorry about the long post.

dandylion

Dear badgerman---In a way it is sad because she is fooling herself---and she ALMOST fooled you. If she has been to even a few AA meetings she has been warned about the dangers and ethics of 13th-stepping.

To answer your question--I think she is doing what is common for alcoholics to do. They find someone or something (including alcohol) to focus on in order to numb their feelings rather than face them straight-on like non-alcoholics have to do. She is not in recovery---she has been refraining from drinking. True recovery comes from diligently and honestly working a recovery program. That requires total committment and is not easy to do. It involves deep self-examination and results in changes in thinking--attitude--and behavior.

This new guy is most likely an emotional band-aid which helps her to avoid herself. This relationship will, predictably, crash and burn after a certain amount of time. Relaps usually goes along with the crash-and -burn.

I understand that you feel disillusioned and puzzled--naturally. But, remember, this is what dating is for--to find out what the other person is truly like--before making a committment.

In a back-hand way.....she has done you a favor.

We live and we learn....right?

very sincerely, dandylion

badgerman

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply, dandylion. Much appreciated.

Hammer

digging a little deeper -- there is a high correlation between some mental illness and alcoholism / addictions. Yours sort of fits the profile.

you may have dodged a HUGE bullet >>>

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves - Roger Melton, M.A.

badgerman

Hammer: Thanks so much for sharing that link. After reading through the article, I think it's possible that she has a borderline personality disorder.

You might be right … I may have dodged a huge bullet.

It's behavior that I'm not accustomed to, so I really appreciate the thoughtful replies.

LexieCat

I dunno, I don't think you have to have BPD to act as she did, untreated alcoholism can look exactly the same way.

Here's my unprofessional speculation. I know that when I was newly sober ANY strong emotions put me into a bit of a tailspin. That's what I was used to numbing down with alcohol. Making declarations of love the way she did might have scared her and overwhelmed her just enough that she felt that familiar urge to drink. Since she is not in a program and has not truly recovered from her alcoholism, she didn't have any tools with which to cope with the emotion, apart from drinking or running away. Granted, running away was probably a better option than drinking, but she is going to greatly limit her life if she doesn't deal with the underlying issues.

But yeah, you dodged a bullet under the circumstances. Live and learn. We all get burned once in a while.

Hammer

Agree. That is the whole problem with declaring "it is" this or "it is" that to start with.

The whole mess just tracks all along together and looks hauntingly the same.

But by the time you get to the fMRI brain scan hardware level, that all makes sense -- it IS all about the same thing. Emotional Dysregulation and Brain Dysfunction IS Emotional Dyregulation and Brain Dysfunction no matter how simple or complex a title and/or diagnosis is placed on it.

Whether the folks add Alcohol, and/or Addictions, and/or [insert here] on top to attempt to quell it, you just see the same set of things over and over.

fluffyflea

She,s done you a huge favour, be glad be really glad. She,s just kidding herself and she may be setting herself up to drink.

fluffyflea

This is the same for male BPD,s too.

wicked

I see someone who is not done yet. Has no program so, she was never really done.
When she is done, she will not need a relationship with anyone other than her HP.
She can talk to her HP and not let some poor guy suffer cause she ain't done yet.

Taxi

I'm not sure what makes her seem like she has BPD, there isn't much information about her here. Also important to bear in mind that BPD and alcoholism share many common symptoms.

I would say it's more likely she is a run of the mill co-dependant alcoholic, not really working at her recovery and using men as a replacement addiction for now. The addict part of her brain wants to relapse, the codie brain can't stand to relapse alone. As a casual drinker with, I assume, adult responsibilities you would make a terrible relapse partner. Another RA with 5 months under his belt, however, would make the perfect partner for the bender of all benders.

I'm in a relatively new relationship with a RA. He did relapse, and did try to use me as an excuse for why he did. I felt incredibly guilty about it in the beginning. I started going to Al Anon, learning about the disease, and I don't have that guilt anymore. I didn't cause him to drink, can't control it, can't cure it. I may have inadvertently contributed to his spiral, but I can't fault myself for it. I didn't know what I didn't know, if I did I would have acted differently.

I think a RA can become addicted to the infatuation stage of love just as easily as anything else. The trouble for my ABF seemed to start when we transitioned from the infatuation stage (where everything is perfect of course) to real life stuff-planning a move, getting on each others nerves, you know, reality- and all of the sudden the addict brain wasn't getting the "high" it used to get. There was stress associated with mpending major life changes as well as the day-to-day stuff. He hadn't been working his program as much because he was spending so much time with me. Is this my fault? No, it's his recovery, his business, and I don't control his behavior. His addict brain will latch on to anything it can and use it as an excuse to drink. In this case, it latched on to me.

You have no reason to feel guilty, and being in a relationship with a RA isn't easy even if they are sober, especially in the beginning. ABF and I are still together and he's sober, but it's not the same as it was in the beginning. Early recovery is draining, he is pretty detached and raw, sometimes I feel pretty rejected by him. Unless you have a thick skin and don't expect or need much in terms of emotional validation from the person you are with, you are probably going to be miserable. If you are with someone who isn't serious about staying sober, you are definitely going to be miserable. From the sounds of it, she would fit the latter category, and you are better off without her.

badgerman

Taxi:

Thanks for sharing your insight. It's very helpful to get the perspective of someone who is in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic. I really appreciate you taking the time to write such a thoughtful, insightful reply.

It sounds like you're learning as much as you can about recovering alcoholics through Al Anon, which I think is great. I agree with you that you can't fault yourself for his relapse … and I liked what you wrote about how you didn't know what you didn't know. I'll admit that I was naive during my time in the relationship and didn't educate myself like I should have. But this latest relationship has certainly opened my eyes and made me want to learn about alcoholism.

I really liked this woman and we had really great time during our relationship, so that makes the breakup tough. But reading comments about how I'm better off without her, or dodged a bullet, certainly makes me feel better.

Thanks again, Taxi. I wish you the best in your relationship and with everything else in your life.

TakingCharge999

Hi badgerman

I am sorry for your pain. An alcoholic ex boyfriend I had behaved the same way. We call that the "Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde" behavior. One moment everything is peaceful and the other, all hell breaks loose. I found that a stressful way to live. Then they apologize and are lovely and you believe them again- then again they let you down. It is a vicious cycle.

A partner is someone who enriches your life, shares it, someone who cares about you. If she is not ready to be one, it is not your problem. Don't carry her problems, it is not your weight to carry. She showed you who she is, this is the best she can do at this time.

BTW, my ex is still drinking, and I left 5 years ago...

There are GREAT, healthier people out there, who would never even DREAM of hurting you.

Hugs,
Tc999

TakingCharge999

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

1newcreation

Thanks dandy!
Fully agree this 13 stepping by confused seriously If might add whose gonna leave badger in heap of rubble; badger look @ it as good riddance! She's obviously not working the program so not only selfish toward you but herself not caring what happens later when all the gouey feelings r gone
Move on brother U deserve better

badgerman

TakingCharge999: Thanks for sharing your experience. I can understand how dealing with the "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" behavior would be stressful. I'm really glad you were able to walk away from a toxic situation. It's sad that five years later he still drinking. Also thanks for sharing that link "Addiction, Lies and Relationships." There is a lot of great information in that article.

1newcreation: Thanks for your comments. I really appreciate your post.

Inter

Hi badgerman & all here,

I'm actually impressed that she had the kindness to let you go rather than drag you down as the relationship descended into active alcoholism - which it would have done, simply because she stated that's where it was going.

My bf tried to break up with me for the same reason 3 months in, and I naively told him that I wasn't a bad influence. I loved him purely and only had his best interests at heart, so how could I be? So we stayed together. It turns out that if it was up to me, he'd still be sober but actually it was up to him, and he relapsed horrifically 9 months later and is going through hell at a detox clinic right now. She made the right call, however much it hurt you both.

Given her strength in choosing recovery over a great relationship, I suspect she is committed to be sober but needs to realise that a recovery program needs to be central to this. Maybe by getting together with a new RA, she's hoping she'll re-learn by example. In any case, she has to continue her path her way. And you? Enjoy the memories you've shared, take the free pass she's given you, and carry on with your adventure. You are clearly a considerate person and will have plenty to offer the right person when you feel ready x

fluffyflea

The BPD symptoms are definitely common symptoms of Alcoholic behaviour. Too often BPD gets thrown into the mix for some reason when all that is really going on is just plain old manipulation from a needy person who is not getting their needs met and decides their flavour of the month has to go.

Don,t take any of this personally.

Tuffgirl

Taxi - thanks for your great words - it was exactly what I was thinking!

My humble experience: alcoholics can be incredibly codependent. I know my ex was far more so than me, and that's not a dig, just reality. What is one of the biggest symptoms of a codie? The desire to fix another, and the inability to say "no".

The infatuation stage is exhilarating! I find myself getting all caught up in it as well, and can make some really dumb decisions because of that state of mind if I am not careful. Add an addictive personality to that and *bam* you have a recipe for disaster.

Try to be grateful you are not going to be part of that disaster. I know it sucks right now, and I assume you feel led-on and duped. I don't blame you. "Love of my life" is a strong statement, and then she ends it for a barely recovering alcoholic a short time later... craziness indeed. I am sorry.