SO just returned after 2 months at FL treatment Center. Advice?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Walla Walla WA
Posts: 46
SO just returned after 2 months at FL treatment Center. Advice?
Hello again all,
So my lovely SO (of 8 years) has just returned from a treatment facility in Florida where she spent 2 months. We do not live together and have kept our relationship alive through letters and phone. I was just wondering if anyone had any advice.
I do not want to be her parole officer—I want to be her boyfriend. I believe in her and trust her but at the same time this is all new to me and do not want to make any rookie mistakes in how I approach her ongoing recovery.
Any advice, stories or practices that worked for you are greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Spantoh
PS: I apologize if this is posted in the wrong forum/section :/
So my lovely SO (of 8 years) has just returned from a treatment facility in Florida where she spent 2 months. We do not live together and have kept our relationship alive through letters and phone. I was just wondering if anyone had any advice.
I do not want to be her parole officer—I want to be her boyfriend. I believe in her and trust her but at the same time this is all new to me and do not want to make any rookie mistakes in how I approach her ongoing recovery.
Any advice, stories or practices that worked for you are greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Spantoh
PS: I apologize if this is posted in the wrong forum/section :/
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Mrs. Hammer did rehab in a treatment center in Florida, too.
Been back about 5 months, now.
Had some real mini slices of Hell upon and since the return.
Suppose I would start adding this line to the Serenity Prayer --
"And Grant Me the Wisdom to Keep My Mouth Shut."
Did you get any decent family support from the treatment center?
We got absolute crap in that regard.
====
add on edit:
Get Yourself in Alanon, now -- make that YESTERDAY
Been back about 5 months, now.
Had some real mini slices of Hell upon and since the return.
Suppose I would start adding this line to the Serenity Prayer --
"And Grant Me the Wisdom to Keep My Mouth Shut."
Did you get any decent family support from the treatment center?
We got absolute crap in that regard.
====
add on edit:
Get Yourself in Alanon, now -- make that YESTERDAY
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Work on you, you, you, and no one but you, always. This is where your chances are found in the time you will give to you.
Patience, because it is necessary. Allow her to continue on from here without pressure for any answers you might need about anything from treatment, to the past. Just allow her to be, to find her way. When she is ready she will share what she needs to. And hell in this madness we only tend to get the answers we need anyway not the ones we want … so it goes back to working on you so that you see the answers you need.
A clean slate, the past is over, leave it as the past. Forgiveness always, but never forget. You will know if she seems to be struggling because that isn’t easy to miss, but that doesn’t means anything more than she is struggling. If she uses, you will surely know that to. It should all be obvious by now.
Boundaries, not only ones that keep you in life and out of the madness, but ones as well as to the lines that aren’t yours to cross.
See her as capable and allow her to live as she sees fit, the learning in that for her is very important.
Time is key, time is revealing.
Patience, because it is necessary. Allow her to continue on from here without pressure for any answers you might need about anything from treatment, to the past. Just allow her to be, to find her way. When she is ready she will share what she needs to. And hell in this madness we only tend to get the answers we need anyway not the ones we want … so it goes back to working on you so that you see the answers you need.
A clean slate, the past is over, leave it as the past. Forgiveness always, but never forget. You will know if she seems to be struggling because that isn’t easy to miss, but that doesn’t means anything more than she is struggling. If she uses, you will surely know that to. It should all be obvious by now.
Boundaries, not only ones that keep you in life and out of the madness, but ones as well as to the lines that aren’t yours to cross.
See her as capable and allow her to live as she sees fit, the learning in that for her is very important.
Time is key, time is revealing.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Letters and phone calls don't let you "see" what her actions really are. Actions tell us so much more than words ever could. I pray that she will stay on a good path but that's entirely up to her, she has the tools now and choices. On the other hand, having some distance between you helps you avoid the front row seat of any drama that may transpire.
Meanwhile, if I were you, I'd keep my expectations at a minimum and just hope for the best.
Rehabs aren't cures, they just provide a safe place to get clean and tools to avoid going back to drugs. They help the residents face life on life's terms. What they choose to do after they leave is a reflection of how willing they are to work a program that will help keep them clean in days to come.
Good luck.
Hugs
Meanwhile, if I were you, I'd keep my expectations at a minimum and just hope for the best.
Rehabs aren't cures, they just provide a safe place to get clean and tools to avoid going back to drugs. They help the residents face life on life's terms. What they choose to do after they leave is a reflection of how willing they are to work a program that will help keep them clean in days to come.
Good luck.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Walla Walla WA
Posts: 46
Inciting, this was gold: "See her as capable and allow her to live as she sees fit, the learning in that for her is very important." -- Thank you for that.
Hammer, I did not receive any family help, her parents were supposed to go for a family night type thing but she was released before that happened.
Ann, "she has the tools now and choices" thank you, that's precisely some of the types of things I was curious about. They have attempted to give her the tools to live a normal life, I presume. Again--this is why I implored as to what my actions/inactions should be. Do not want to overstep boundaries.
I have and will continue to focus on myself, as I have been the past 2 months she was there. In that time I got a new job, lost some weight
Thank all of you for your replies. I am grateful and will heed your advice.
Best
Hammer, I did not receive any family help, her parents were supposed to go for a family night type thing but she was released before that happened.
Ann, "she has the tools now and choices" thank you, that's precisely some of the types of things I was curious about. They have attempted to give her the tools to live a normal life, I presume. Again--this is why I implored as to what my actions/inactions should be. Do not want to overstep boundaries.
I have and will continue to focus on myself, as I have been the past 2 months she was there. In that time I got a new job, lost some weight
Thank all of you for your replies. I am grateful and will heed your advice.
Best
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Walla Walla WA
Posts: 46
Honestly, what I am having the most trouble with, having missed her so much, is I guess not going full bore.
She seems to want space and I have been respecting that 100%. Just odd things like not replying to texts for several hours or not answering calls/calling back.
Before she went away we would converse all day via text and talk several times. Her being away, I understood we could not talk throughout the day but now that we have that option and do not, I can not lie it makes me sad. Not upset, not bitter, sad. Only because I want to speak to her as much as I can, to hear her voice and her laugh.
But then again, when we ARE together or talking, it is absolutely divine.
I do NOT want to overwhelm her and have been totally understanding; letting her dictate our communication which has been daily but more on some days than others.
Anyone been through this/been on the other side?
It has been 1 week home today and I realize I must sound like a madman pondering this so much but she is the love of my life.
Am I doing the right thing, so to speak?
And thank you Anvil, please slap me upside the head if I ever come off as the former but I have only wanted to be her best friend/bf since she has been home.
She seems to want space and I have been respecting that 100%. Just odd things like not replying to texts for several hours or not answering calls/calling back.
Before she went away we would converse all day via text and talk several times. Her being away, I understood we could not talk throughout the day but now that we have that option and do not, I can not lie it makes me sad. Not upset, not bitter, sad. Only because I want to speak to her as much as I can, to hear her voice and her laugh.
But then again, when we ARE together or talking, it is absolutely divine.
I do NOT want to overwhelm her and have been totally understanding; letting her dictate our communication which has been daily but more on some days than others.
Anyone been through this/been on the other side?
It has been 1 week home today and I realize I must sound like a madman pondering this so much but she is the love of my life.
Am I doing the right thing, so to speak?
And thank you Anvil, please slap me upside the head if I ever come off as the former
but I have only wanted to be her best friend/bf since she has been home.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
actually NOT being connected 24/7 IS healthy....otherwise you're like two octopuses all tangled up. it's OK to have a space and distance...it's ok to have hours in the day when you do not talk or text. she's only been out, back in the real world for ONE week! time takes time. 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Walla Walla WA
Posts: 46
Anvil, thanks. You are right.
And I know this--but you understand.. young hearts.
That's what makes it so tough. I am bright enough to realize this is normal and healthy as you had said but when your heart speaks louder than your mind, I dunno, I get emotional and over think things.
One thing I haven't done, nor plan on doing, is bring it up to her or ask her things like, "is everything ok" or "are you mad at me" I am just going with the flow.
This may sound like drivel to many of those on here with much more daunting problems and I apologize if it comes off as so but I want to learn as I go from others who have either been in my position or in hers.
Again, I appreciate everyone's opinions and replies.
And I know this--but you understand.. young hearts.
That's what makes it so tough. I am bright enough to realize this is normal and healthy as you had said but when your heart speaks louder than your mind, I dunno, I get emotional and over think things.
One thing I haven't done, nor plan on doing, is bring it up to her or ask her things like, "is everything ok" or "are you mad at me" I am just going with the flow.
This may sound like drivel to many of those on here with much more daunting problems and I apologize if it comes off as so but I want to learn as I go from others who have either been in my position or in hers.
Again, I appreciate everyone's opinions and replies.
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