Dating a coke addict
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 26
Dating a coke addict
Hello,
I am new to this site. I just really need to get this off my shoulders, and hopefully get some advice from people who may be in a similar situation to my own.
A little background; I have been with my boyfriend since we are 15 years old, we are both now 23. My boyfriend has been using coke off and on (to my knowledge) since the age of about 17. We had separated for a while and decided to get back together around that time, when everybody told me he had changed and stopped doing drugs. When we had gotten back together, everything was absolutely amazing. He treated me like a princess, we were inseparable. It was my dream relationship. At the age of 21 we decided to buy a house together. Everything was going good up until this point. He started distancing himself. I knew something was wrong. He would go out and not call me to tell me where he was. Some nights he wouldn't even come home and this caused me a lot of anxiety.
Last August was the first time I witnessed him doing coke. I was shocked! Things really started going downhill after then. My boyfriend will only do coke when he drinks on weekends, but he will be gone for 3 days at a time and sometimes even miss work. Last November, he broke up with me and we sold our house. We didn't speak for 4 months and he started dating someone a week later. I had heard through friends that the coke addiction had gotten really bad.
In January, he contacted me and told me he wanted to stop doing coke. We got back together for a month and then he broke up with me again, obviously because he wanted to continue doing coke and didn't want me to be in the way of that. We didn't speak for a couple of months, and now recently decided to get back together again.
I don't know why I keep taking him back, I think I am very codependent when it comes to him. Friday night he went out drinking and using until 9am and never called me once, I was upset so we got into an argument about it, and yesterday he went to meet up with a girl that I know he does coke with, he plays off my insecurities when he does these things. I decided to end things yesterday when I found out he was with her. He hasn't even called or texted. I am scared that when he realizes that he's lost me, as he always does, that he will try to get back into my life again because he knows I always take him back. I need help. I feel so helpless and unwanted.
I am new to this site. I just really need to get this off my shoulders, and hopefully get some advice from people who may be in a similar situation to my own.
A little background; I have been with my boyfriend since we are 15 years old, we are both now 23. My boyfriend has been using coke off and on (to my knowledge) since the age of about 17. We had separated for a while and decided to get back together around that time, when everybody told me he had changed and stopped doing drugs. When we had gotten back together, everything was absolutely amazing. He treated me like a princess, we were inseparable. It was my dream relationship. At the age of 21 we decided to buy a house together. Everything was going good up until this point. He started distancing himself. I knew something was wrong. He would go out and not call me to tell me where he was. Some nights he wouldn't even come home and this caused me a lot of anxiety.
Last August was the first time I witnessed him doing coke. I was shocked! Things really started going downhill after then. My boyfriend will only do coke when he drinks on weekends, but he will be gone for 3 days at a time and sometimes even miss work. Last November, he broke up with me and we sold our house. We didn't speak for 4 months and he started dating someone a week later. I had heard through friends that the coke addiction had gotten really bad.
In January, he contacted me and told me he wanted to stop doing coke. We got back together for a month and then he broke up with me again, obviously because he wanted to continue doing coke and didn't want me to be in the way of that. We didn't speak for a couple of months, and now recently decided to get back together again.
I don't know why I keep taking him back, I think I am very codependent when it comes to him. Friday night he went out drinking and using until 9am and never called me once, I was upset so we got into an argument about it, and yesterday he went to meet up with a girl that I know he does coke with, he plays off my insecurities when he does these things. I decided to end things yesterday when I found out he was with her. He hasn't even called or texted. I am scared that when he realizes that he's lost me, as he always does, that he will try to get back into my life again because he knows I always take him back. I need help. I feel so helpless and unwanted.
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
I was lost to cocaine for 32 years and I was desperate to quit. I am now 1 year 8 months clean. I lost everything and everybody in my life. 5% or so of cocaine addicts stop using permanently and I know it's sad but if you stay in a relationship with him just be prepared for the worst. Never give him any money, never let him use your vehicle, and hide all your jewelry and valuable possessions. I hope for the best for the both of you. 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 26
Thank you for sharing and thank you for taking the time to reply. I am happy to hear that although there is only a 5% chance of addicts that stop using permanently that you are part of that percentage. I don't want to be in this toxic relationship any longer. I know I need to get out of it, I think it's just finding the strength from within to finally let go.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
If you let go of him your life will still go on. I'm sure you have a strong connection to him, but he is an addict and therefore treats you with no respect. Do you want children with this person? Yikes. go. It will be painful, but you will find happiness with a man who is sober and will love and respect you and be a good father. You have given this addict enough chances.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Welcome, sickntired8, although I'm sorry for what brings you here.
My XA is very similar to your XABF - his DOC is cocaine, mixed with lots of alcohol and sometimes weed, he's also been using it off and on since he was a teenager and last I knew, was doing it every weekend (but it's probably more often than that), he would distance himself, ignore my texts, then apologize and want to see me (one of those 'go away/come here' relationships that always kept me walking on eggshells around him), etc. What is the main difference between your XABF and my XA? My XA is now 41!!!! So the point I'm getting at is that my XA started out exactly like yours, and he's STILL doing it, 25 years later!! Cocaine is a very psychologically-addicting drug, and as neferkamichael stated, it's extremely hard to beat.
You're young, S&T - do you really want your future to be a neverending cycle of this? Because unless your XABF makes the decision, FOR HIMSELF, that he wants to stop and then takes steps, ON HIS OWN, to do so, he is going to be my XA in 20 years. Addiction is a progressive disease and it is only going to get worse. I know it's hard and it really, really hurts right now....but you have to stop worrying about him and start concentrating on you. I won't lie - it takes time. But if you allow yourself, you will heal. It does and will get better. Keep coming here to post and read the stickies at the top of our home page, especially "What Addicts Do." That one really helped me to put it into perspective. Sending hugs.
My XA is very similar to your XABF - his DOC is cocaine, mixed with lots of alcohol and sometimes weed, he's also been using it off and on since he was a teenager and last I knew, was doing it every weekend (but it's probably more often than that), he would distance himself, ignore my texts, then apologize and want to see me (one of those 'go away/come here' relationships that always kept me walking on eggshells around him), etc. What is the main difference between your XABF and my XA? My XA is now 41!!!! So the point I'm getting at is that my XA started out exactly like yours, and he's STILL doing it, 25 years later!! Cocaine is a very psychologically-addicting drug, and as neferkamichael stated, it's extremely hard to beat.
You're young, S&T - do you really want your future to be a neverending cycle of this? Because unless your XABF makes the decision, FOR HIMSELF, that he wants to stop and then takes steps, ON HIS OWN, to do so, he is going to be my XA in 20 years. Addiction is a progressive disease and it is only going to get worse. I know it's hard and it really, really hurts right now....but you have to stop worrying about him and start concentrating on you. I won't lie - it takes time. But if you allow yourself, you will heal. It does and will get better. Keep coming here to post and read the stickies at the top of our home page, especially "What Addicts Do." That one really helped me to put it into perspective. Sending hugs.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Work on you! Which means doing some hard work and asking some tough questions like why are you willing to accept being treated in an unacceptable way.
It wasn't until I started working with a therapist, attending alanon meetings, reading and learning about codependency that I finally start to value myself again. Healthy people attract healthy people. Sick attract sick.
Healing, fixing, and changing your insecurities will help you to stop allowing others to exploit them.
Welcome to SR, you have made the first step to new and healthier you.
It wasn't until I started working with a therapist, attending alanon meetings, reading and learning about codependency that I finally start to value myself again. Healthy people attract healthy people. Sick attract sick.
Healing, fixing, and changing your insecurities will help you to stop allowing others to exploit them.
Welcome to SR, you have made the first step to new and healthier you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 26
Wow thank you for sharing everyone. This helps me so much, I can't believe how similar our stories are!! I do not want to live this life forever. It's so unstable, complicated, and I always end up hurt while he's out not thinking about me and doing drugs. I need consistancy in my life, and like you said I am young. I believe this is the last time that I try to make it work, I need to let go before I catch myself in 20 years wondering why I stayed.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Love the wisdom here on SR. 3 that I have really embraced!
Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him.
Let go or be dragged.
Recovery is when you change from a woman who loves someone else so much it hurts into a woman who loves herself enough to stop the pain.
Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him.
Let go or be dragged.
Recovery is when you change from a woman who loves someone else so much it hurts into a woman who loves herself enough to stop the pain.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: the shire
Posts: 379
hi S&T and welcome to the community.
other than you and your bf's ages, your story is no different from mine. its been a year for me since i was last with him and just like yours my bf went with someone who has a similar addiction as his. i really dont know what's happening with him now, but his mom said some 6 months ago that nothing has changed and he still does coke. its difficult to part from someone you love, but what i can share with you is this thought to ponder on...is he worth your time to even go thru this roller coaster ride of emotions...is he capable of reciprocating the affection you are showing him? take care of you, its a process but someday soon you will be done and will be able to move on.
hugs and peace to you.
other than you and your bf's ages, your story is no different from mine. its been a year for me since i was last with him and just like yours my bf went with someone who has a similar addiction as his. i really dont know what's happening with him now, but his mom said some 6 months ago that nothing has changed and he still does coke. its difficult to part from someone you love, but what i can share with you is this thought to ponder on...is he worth your time to even go thru this roller coaster ride of emotions...is he capable of reciprocating the affection you are showing him? take care of you, its a process but someday soon you will be done and will be able to move on.
hugs and peace to you.
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow 
Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him.
Let go or be dragged.
Recovery is when you change from a woman who loves someone else so much it hurts into a woman who loves herself enough to stop the pain.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
You deserve someone that is capable of genuine love and someone that not only respects you but treats you as you deserve to be treated.
Addicts don't make good partners because they are irrational, self centered, not in touch with reality, and they will do anything for their one and only true love..their drug of choice.
He has showed you who he truly is, it is the same thing over and over..he breaks up with you and uses, comes back and puts on an act, and then goes back to using. Can you live the rest of your life like this? I know when you picture your future and what you want to accomplish waiting up at night wondering if he will come home or leave you tomorrow is not part of it.
Being with an addict is exhausting, painful, and emotionally and physically draining. You have already sold one house...addiction is progressive you don't want to turn around one day and be in mountains of debt with no options. You can do this, and you wouldn't be here if you didn't want something different for yourself. The beauty of this site is that you can hear from people who have been there and hear for once and for all that that little voice that says he will change is only your fear of leaving him or being alone talking.
The only way he will change is if he throws himself completely into recovery and he is no where near that point. You're young, you have your whole life ahead of you and you don't want to spend your life waiting for him to decide to put the effort into recovery.
Addicts don't make good partners because they are irrational, self centered, not in touch with reality, and they will do anything for their one and only true love..their drug of choice.
He has showed you who he truly is, it is the same thing over and over..he breaks up with you and uses, comes back and puts on an act, and then goes back to using. Can you live the rest of your life like this? I know when you picture your future and what you want to accomplish waiting up at night wondering if he will come home or leave you tomorrow is not part of it.
Being with an addict is exhausting, painful, and emotionally and physically draining. You have already sold one house...addiction is progressive you don't want to turn around one day and be in mountains of debt with no options. You can do this, and you wouldn't be here if you didn't want something different for yourself. The beauty of this site is that you can hear from people who have been there and hear for once and for all that that little voice that says he will change is only your fear of leaving him or being alone talking.
The only way he will change is if he throws himself completely into recovery and he is no where near that point. You're young, you have your whole life ahead of you and you don't want to spend your life waiting for him to decide to put the effort into recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by Maylie
Being with an addict is exhausting, painful, and emotionally and physically draining. You have already sold one house...addiction is progressive you don't want to turn around one day and be in mountains of debt with no options. You can do this, and you wouldn't be here if you didn't want something different for yourself. The beauty of this site is that you can hear from people who have been there and hear for once and for all that that little voice that says he will change is only your fear of leaving him or being alone talking.
I really do fear being alone, and I fear that he will move on, find someone better than me and be happy. I know that through reading all of these posts that an addict is not happy. I can't believe how much this site has helped me already. I refuse to be his punching bag any longer!
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