GlassSlipper

I'd posted on this forum previously regarding my boyfriend's relapse... (we started dating while he was first in recovery, fast forward to 2 years later and he is in the midst of a several week long on/off heroin/cocaine relapse). I started reading "Codependent No More," as was suggested through this forum, which I really felt was helping at first. I was able to identify as codependent, which was an enormous first step for me. Somewhere along the way, I lost my sense of peace, and just got angry at him all over again, which set me back a few steps in my own recovery process. Instead of detaching, I was reattaching and allowing myself to feel all of the raw, grief-fueled emotions I'd experienced at the start of his relapse. This, of course, didn't make anything better for either myself or for him in terms of his recovery.

Last night marked 4 days since he'd last used. He's on suboxone but it doesn't seem to be helping too much anymore. I could tell he was feeling antsy and uncomfortable all day, and I tried to calmly talk to him about if he was craving, what was going through his mind, etc. But he kept shutting me down, swearing "nothing is going on," and proceeded to become more and more cold/distant towards me. I knew he was craving, I can always tell. I started to become extremely emotional, questioning him, feeling suspicious. I knew at the time it was the wrong move... that, in the past, my acting this way typically intensified his cravings. But I couldn't get control over my emotions. I felt crazed.

After 15 minutes of me questioning him, he then decided to break up with me. Telling me he wants independence, and that he's tired of feeling like I'm his babysitter, watching his every move. I lost it, of course, because for me it felt as though it came out of nowhere. And I'd stood by him through so much, and felt like we were really going to be able to move forward through this. We live together, have no kids but two kitties together, and I cannot realistically move out right now due to financial reasons and the apartment's proximity to my job. I became a basket case of emotions-- yelling, crying, pleading, losing my breath, acting completely irrationally. I got sick, threw up, the works.

I knew deep down that the main reason for this hurried break up was because he wanted me out of his hair for the night and out of his way so that he could go drive to Baltimore to get drugs (we live in a nice area of DC but he has a scumbag connection he knew in high school that lives in Baltimore) without me "bothering" him and making him feel guilt. I knew that was the reason for the "break up," but he made so many hurtful, "below-the-belt" comments that I also wondered if the break up was actually real this time...

He was gone for 5 hours. He turned his phone off so that he was unreachable. I went through cycles of crying, lurking on the forums, staring at the TV, trying to breathe, focusing on my kitties, etc. I didn't know what to expect when he came home. I was worried for him, but also for myself, for my sanity.

When he did finally come in at 1 am, he came over and gave me a hug, said he was sorry, and asked if we could just go to sleep. It was late, and I needed sleep myself, but my mind was reeling as to what I should do. Before falling asleep, he apologized again, in a whisper, and said he didn't want to break up, that he just wanted space and to feel like he wasn't being controlled. I didn't say much back to him. I didn't know what to say.

This morning I woke up more lost than last night. He's currently still sleeping off the after-effects of an IV cocaine binge. I'm feeling less heart-crushing sadness, and more depressed confusion. What kind of person would it make me if I stay with someone who tried to break up with me in the name of getting high? Am I completely and utterly pathetic and without even an iota of self-esteem if I actually stay here, after all of the tremendously hurtful things he slung at me last night? Maybe he meant what he said, maybe when he wakes up he'll tell me so. Part of me wants to leave, to be completely brave, to give him the space he so desperately exclaimed that he needs. But a larger part of me still loves him immensely, still believes that he can get through this relapse and back into recovery and return to his "real" self. A self that I love dearly and want to stay with. (I also have my job and my kitties to think about, too. Many strings are attached.)

I know this is an extremely long post, and I've treated this forum as my personal diary here, but I needed to type it all out. I'm already feeling a little bit more calm, a little bit better at detaching. Even if no one reads this, it will have helped. I'm aware that no one out there can definitively tell me whether I should stay or leave, but if anyone who has been through a situation similar to this has any words of wisdom they can pass along to someone who is feeling completely lost as to what her next step should be, I would greatly appreciate you sharing them...

Thank you again to all who post on here, as you were my anchors in the storm last night.

mstrust

wow. again i read something i could have written. i went through all of those exact same emotions and feelings of insanity...trying to question, being suspicious, trying to prevent, control, and then when my ex finally walked out anyway, despite all my freaking out, to do whatever HE wanted, i was the one sitting and staring and crying and all that. and then i was the one being apologized to, once he had finally gotten what he wanted.

from the beginning of your post, i saw the same red flags i saw in my own life. the suboxone not working? perhaps he didn't take it because he had already decided to get high? his attitude toward you prior to him 'breaking up' with you sounds like someone who was already on their way to what they were going to do and nothing was going to stop them. and yes, if it meant 'breaking up' with you, he would do that to get out, and probably also to have you to point the finger at. drugs, drugs, drugs. that's all that matters. mine would do similar things because he KNEW that even if i freaked out and cried and yelled and begged and pleaded and got pi**ed off, etc. that once he was done whatever he was doing, i would take him back. again and again and again. i made it easy for him to take advantage of me and take me for granted. he knew i would just put up with it in the end.

i also would tell myself that i wasn't REALLY putting up with it because look, i AM yelling and i AM screaming and crying and SAYING i am not going to deal with this much longer. but i didn't take any action. i wanted him and i to have the relationship we had in my imagination, not the reality, and i have fought and fought for what COULD be, IF ONLY... i still find myself doing it sometimes and i still ride the emotional rollercoaster and i still go through in my mind all that has happened and i feel the emotions all over again sometimes.

my advice, which i admit i am not very qualified to give, is to end this, glassslipper. he is not, according to everything you typed, really in a place to heal himself yet. and who knows if he ever will be? you sound exactly like me, focusing intently on his behavior and trying to read the situation and yes, CONTROL it, when you can't. you just can't. he will continue to do similar things and you will continue to go insane and it will continue to be the least fun roller coaster you have ever ridden.

find a roommate situation where you can have your cats and not lose the closeness to your job. make HIM move out. there are always ways to do these things whether we like the solutions or not. what happened to me is that i didn't end it, i didn't make him leave, it got worse and worse and eventually those feelings of loving him so intensely and wanting him so bad--the REAL him, the one NOT on drugs--turned to resentment and anger and constant anxiety for me. i lost about 20-25 pounds, i spent hours sleeping, staring, crying, letting myself and the things i loved about my own life go. and the outcome was the same. nothing changed about the situation in relation to him, but i continued to fall apart.

i wish you the best. i feel your pain as i read your words and i'm sorry you are going through this. there is a way out and it's not going to be easy or fun. but leaving and getting over this will be a temporary misery. staying is indefinite hell.

help4hubby

I agree with mstrust. You have a way out, it won't be fun but it will be much better for you than staying. I am so so sorry you are going through this. Although our circumstances are different I really do feel your pain. There are some positives to your situation 1) you aren't married 2) you don't have kids together 3) you aren't financially dependent on him. I would suggest changing the living situation for sure and honestly since your apt is close to your job and this is his issue I would make him leave. I know it's easier said than done but it really sounds like you will be better off without him. He's out doing what he wants (getting high) and probably not giving you a second thought (I'm sorry I know that's prob hard to hear) while you're at home worrying and crying. I have found so much support on this site! I wish I would have found it sooner. Sometimes the advice can be hard to hear but it can be helpful to get an objective opinion from an outsider who has experience. Best of luck to you!

allforcnm

I'm sorry for the awful night you had. I won't begin to suggest if you should stay, or go. But I will say for me it is usually best not to make decisions when I am tired, feeling emotional.

It sounds like you already know the power a craving can have, and you knew he was willing to say anything to get you out of his way at that moment. One thing has helped me, is to get a good understanding of what goes on in the brain of an active addict; one who is craving. The desire for that drug in their mind becomes something that is needed for survival. It moves to the top of the list above all else. Part of it happens with awareness, but a lot of it happens more at an unconscious level.

If you have not done any reading on this I would suggest the sticky at the top of the forum: Addiction is a Complex Disease from National Institute of Drug Abuse, and the last post on there has YouTube Clips from a movie Pleasure Unwoven. One of them talks about cravings also. The clips might be something you could share with your boyfriend when he is somewhat balanced again, and calm. My husband watched it after I told him about it, and could relate.

All of this is basically what my husbands doctors explained to me when he was in rehab. It helped me remove a lot of the anger towards past episodes with my husband. Not saying it excuses how I was treated, but it took a lot of emotion away, and then I could deal with it easier, make decisions.

Craving seems sort of like being hit by a 'brain freeze' when you eat something cold. When it happens, for that length of time it completely controls me, thinking about how it feels and how to make it stop.

As you said, your somewhat entwined with your boyfriend. At a minimum, maybe start thinking what you can do to remove yourself (and those kittens) if things become worse.

My husbands main drug was opiate based pain meds, but he also had a run of cocaine. He tells me the things he did on coke were more volatile and more damaging to him than anything else. So please be cautious. When my husband was in rehab, I started working with a therapist. It was a great outlet for me, and helped me figure out the answers to so many of my confused thoughts and feelings, so I always recommend this as an option.

madisonblake

My story is exactly like MsTrust's and yours. The DOC may have been different but the behaviors and patterns are exactly the same. I can tell you that people here told me to run and run fast and I didn't listen. I stayed and pretended he was something he is not. I can't tell you how many times things were turned around on me when he was craving drugs or using them. The "you want to control me" is a broken record. It's a way he is trying to turn the tables so it seems like it's something you've done. it is not. Please believe me when I say this. I wasted so much time analyzing what I had done and if it really were me and if I were imagining things and deep down, I knew I wasn't.

For me, it was three years. He finally went to rehab a little over a year ago. It's been a year since his first post rehab relaps and it's been the worse of the three years we've been together because his behavior just got worse and worse with each relapse. Please don't spend another year of your life and make it 3 like I did. I think you know deep down what the outcome is going to be just like I did. I just wanted to hang on to hope that he would eventually change and unforunately your boyfriend is showing you who he is right now. Run.

peacedove

you will "hear" the most creative yet convincing(at the time)things. i heard the you want to control me, i won't be neutered(I'll never have a vet visit where this one won't go through my mind) all the way to i do things my way, on my timeline. what you will "hear" never ends. what you "see" does end because it stays the same with them. they do the same things over and over again.
if we think about it, addressing their addictions and not being a party to them or accepting them...well...they do see that as us trying to control them. they want drugs. period. let them have them or it is a form of control over them.
have to let them go. have to let it go. they will find their way or they will not. meanwhile, there is life for us to live. in harmony with ourselves!

zoso77

Let me ask you something.

Is this how you want to live your life?

ZoSo