pacificsunrise

good afternoon everyone. i haven't posted in a long time. trying to cope w/ stuff on my own, but i do need some encouragement.

my story in short, been separated from cocaine using husband for over 2 yrs now. have 3 small kids together. he never requested visitation rights w/ kids and therefore has not seen them unless we ran into him somewhere. which is ok w/ me because it is so much easier to have some stability without his drama. he calls and texts and i don't respond, at all.

my sister and mom though have decided that it was ok to keep talking to him, since "he calls them". great reasoning. and it is more my mom than my sister. she maintains a regular contact w/ him. at one time she tried relating messages to him, so i told her that i will no longer talk to her about him and will not listen to anything about him from her. that worked for a short while. my mom is a meddlesome type of person, nice and all, but still very meddlesome and manipulative. she has hurt me in the past with her criticism and making me into the bad guy. her critique of me is relentless in everything and i find it difficult to even be around her. not that our relationship was ever great.

now she has went to the extent of saying how i am wrong for not "allowing him to see the kids". i have no power of stopping him see the kids if that is what law decides, however, i will not willingly expose my kids to the abusive mind of an active addict.

i am so tired of noone apparently understanding my reasons for anything i do any more.

when i called my sister to let her know that he didn't pay the mortgage at all this year and is now on the verge of losing the house for the 2nd time, she felt that he must not have enough $ since he has to pay child support and other bills. what about me? i have 3 kids to care for day in and out, have my own business, still cannot make the ends meet, owe everybody $, but i still have all my bills paid, i'm behind, but they are paid. and he has a full time job, no other responsibilities, other than getting high, and still it's poor him.

poor him. can't see his kids. poor him.

i can't stand it any more.

sorry guys this is so long and just venting. thank you everyone for replying.
i love you guys. hugs and hope to all. i know that i should be thankful for many of you all are in a much worse place. love and hope.

zoso77

Hey...

I do have a take on this, but I'm in the middle of a take-home exam this afternoon. So I will respond this evening. Be good, and hang in there...

Best,
ZoSo

AnvilheadII

hey sweetie, long time no see. I hope you and the kids are thriving.

SO sorry for the behaviors of mom and sis. talk about enabling. and talk about DISRESPECTFUL. what is your boundary around ANYONE who treats you with disrespect??? family or not, you don't have to deal with BS....PERIOD. I suggest you cease engaging in anything personal....especially about finances, HIM, child support etc.

Ann

Shame on all of them for not being more respectful to you.

My thoughts are to enforce a boundary that you will not discuss his situation or what he says to them when they talk to him. Then hang up if they start.

You have done a wonderful job taking care of yourself and your children and as someone raised by a single mom (my dad died when I was 6), I know how hard it is for you.

Poo on anyone who isn't respectful. Poo on what they think and who they talk to. Poo, I say!

Hugs

bluebelle

It sounds like you have done a wonderful job building a life for you and your kids. Some people will always complain about what you do--no matter what it is, they will try to say you should do differently. I have a few of those in my family. You don't have to listen to that nonsense! You can have boundaries for yourself as to what you will listen to from your family. You can choose not to talk to them. Or, you can choose not to talk to them about the subject of him. You can limit how much you talk to them, etc.

That's how I handle my addict/mentally ill mother. For a long time, I was in complete no contact with her. I have slowly added contact, but there are many subjects that I refuse to talk about. I'm just not going to go there with her, and that is o.k. I do what is best for my own sanity and physical and mental health.

pacificsunrise

thank you guys for responding.

Anvil, I didn't even realize that you have a changed name. thank you for the encouragement.

and you are right, family or not i do need to have firmer boundaries. my parents live very close to me (down the road) and i avoid going as much as i can. i have cut my visits down to about 2 a month. i rarely answer my mom's calls and then if i don't eventually call her, she drives by my apartment unannounced. a few times i have let her come and knock on the door and leave without me opening it. afterwards, i feel bad, but also feel that i have no other choice to protect myself from being disrespected.

just the fact that you see it as disrespectful made me feel better. thank you so much.

Bobolicious

My ex-father-in-law was convicted of molesting my daughter. My ex-husband has physically and emotionally abused my daughter, in addition to neglecting her. My former mother not only still communicates with my ex-husband, she recently co-signed his auto lease. My ex and I have been apart since '95. To add insult to injury, my former mother has frequent lunches with my ex-father-in-law (the child molester of my daughter) and ex-mother-in-law. LMAO! Is that precious or what?

Moral of the story... Just because they're family, doesn't mean that you have to take their abuse. Cut ties if necessary. I did it thirteen years ago.

I'm sorry that they're not loyal to you. Uncool at best and very hurtful.

Good luck!

pacificsunrise

Ann,

thank you so much for understanding and for "taking my side". your support has always made me feel better.

bluebelle,

thank you for the kind words. it makes a difference when someone understands. at this point i am on the verge of not wanting to have any contact with any of my family. unfortunately, they have been helpful financially, so it makes it harder to completely cut them out, and not being from here they are the only family that i have here (plus my mom's sister's family).

your guys understanding is making it easier for me, because i know that i couldn't have been so wrong in feeling the way i was feeling.

thanks again. hugs.

pacificsunrise

Bobolicious,

so sorry to hear your story. what a shame! good for you to have been able to protect yourself and more importantly your precious daughter from these people.

thank you for sharing. and thanks for the insight - family or not, the wellbeing of my children and myself comes first.

hugs to you.

Kindeyes

Awww hon....good to see you again. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this stuff. It just adds insult to injury.

It is really difficult to have a child(ren) with an active addict. It adds a dimension of confusion that is really difficult to untangle. Sounds like some boundary setting is definitely in order......and if they refuse to respect boundaries.....tighten down the hatches.

Take care of you (and the kids).

AnvilheadII

"Nobody puts Baby in a corner" - dirty dancing

never forget that as adults we have the freedom to create "new" families. are you getting to alanon or other support group type things?

Bobolicious

Thank you.

I understand your pain and frustration as I had the same experiences. You're working hard taking care of your family by yourself, and that is not a small feat.

If anyone other than your family did this to you, would you tolerate it? Burning bridges is not always a bad thing. If someone brings you more pain than pleasure, cut them loose, family or not.

zoso77

There are two dynamics at play here.

The first one is your mother and sister simply don't know any better.

The second one is your AH knows this about your mother and sister, and exploits it for his benefit. After all, he is an addict and a master manipulator.

So, what to do? For what it's worth, here's my take...and I warn you...what I'm about to suggest is, on its face, brutal -- but, IMHO, necessary.

You can't prevent your mother and sister from talking to your AH. What you can manage, however, is your response to when they do. And if you really, really want to send a message to your mother and sister, you ice them. You simply remove them from your inner circle. They will complain, of course, but tough sh*t. When they do complain, have something like this in the back of your mind:

I cannot stop you from speaking to him. If you do so, that is your choice. But if you do, I will have nothing to do with you, and you will not see my children. Period. You have chosen to, over my objections, align yourself with a man who has chosen drugs over his children and whose addiction has led him to be financially irresponsible. If that's your choice, that's fine, but I will have nothing to do with you and you will not see my children. And until you support him and, by extension, support my children, this is how it's going to be.

And then ride out the ensuing storm, for however long is necessary.

Is this drastic? Perhaps. Will you have emotional difficulty with this? Probably. But the issue is although your mother and sister don't know any better, they should. Basically, what you're showing them is there are consequences for not supporting you and respecting your boundaries. I can guarantee your mother will react poorly. Too bad. The thing that people like your mother and your AH hate the most is boundaries. So tighten those boundaries up and watch the fireworks when your mom flips out.

Be safe, and keep us posted.

ZoSo

pacificsunrise

Kindeyes - thanks for the encouragement and advice. i definitely need to work on my boundaries. hugs.

Anvil - i haven't really been going to alanon like i want to. partly b/c i still have not found a group that i really like and partly b/c it's such a husstle having the kids with me. and yes, maybe i need to look into "adopting" some new family members. lol. thanks.

Bobolicious - thank you again. burning bridges has been my weakness for a long time. not only w/ family members, but anyone. in a way i feel too guilty to do it. somehow i feel like a bad person, but often i end up taking more than necessary. thank you for the encouragement.

LoveMeNow

I remember telling my aunt that my husband relapsed on pills and she said "well you are smoking again!" My head almost exploded.

I realized she had no idea about addiction and I just made a point to stay off that subject with her in any future conversations.

I agree with the others, time for some boundaries. Your daughters are lucky to have such a strong and wise mother.

Bobolicious

I had to laugh at your Aunt's comment. You have to laugh or you'll cry or strangle someone.

Bobolicious

Do they feel guilty when they treat you like crap? I bet that they sleep like a baby, while you're curled up in the fetal position paralyzed with pain. Shame on them for not putting your needs first. Family betrayal is the worst, hands down.

zoso77

Ooops...typo...

I meant support me, not him...

pacificsunrise

zoso -
thank you so much for replying. i agree with your comment. they do act out of ignorance, however that is still not an excuse. both my mom and sister are college educated or beyond and are fully capable of researching a subject. they are quick to look up anything trivial on the internet, but somehow have yet, after two years, to even start learning about addiction and addicts behaviors. which of course, is their choice.

as for your suggestion to "ice them", i really like that. doing it will be hard, but in my opionion well worth it. and you are right, as long as they are associating with my AH they do not have my or my kids best interest.

thank you so much for taking the time to reply and encourage me. your support and insight is a great motivator. thanks.

story74

Oh my! I feel your pain!!!!

Although this pretty much happened with my XAH's family. His mother had enough audactiy to tell me that she didn't think her son was on drugs. This was after he abandoned a stay at home wife and left us to starve!!! I was furious. And, his sister totally took his side. They are in COMPLETE denial. Not only that, BUT they completely dismissed me after the divorce. Here I was broken and abandoned, and got NO support from them. In fact, they even opened up their home to my X and his druggie friend who has a long history with the police.
I was so hurt. I felt like they didn't believe me. I was embarassed and humiliated that I even had to defend myself. I was judge harshly because of their denial. I also felt this way around mutal friends. I felt like they thought I was a vindicitive monster. Oh, if only they could have walked a mile in my shoes.

I have learned many lessons through this. Firstly, I try so hard not to judge. I use to be REALLY good at it. I have more empathy towards others now.

I have also learned that it doesn't mater what anyone else thinks because I am living it. I am a nice, fair and beautiful woman who wanted nothing more than her family to work. I am not vindictive. My Xah is an addict. A healthy man, father and husband does not do what he did. There is no rationalizing it. He is an addict.

As painful as this was, I had to make some choices. I no longer talk to his family. I told them that I do not want someone who is in denial and leting these druggie friends around near my child. I don't need them telling my child one thing while I am telling them something else. Also, I am so disgusted that these "christains" that Ihave known and loved for 16 years just totally dumped me so quickly. I do not trust them. Why would I want anything to do with them? I haven't talk to them in almost a year in a half. It does annoy me that they try to contact me on holidays. I just ignore. Maybe one day when this all settles we can have a relationship, but not now.

All of our mutal friends I let go. I basically started over. I moved farther away and my job is in another city. I have started again. I am really happy. I just had to filter out the negative in order to do this.

That's how I handled it...right or wrong.
It isn't easy. It just goes to show you how an addict's choices affect so many people. So many people are hurting in our family, and we are all dealing with it the best way we can.

I beleive that his true colors have shown through, and if they haven't they will at some point. He's an addict. And he has fallen hard.

Hang in there. Hopefully you can figure this one out.

Many blessings.