Relationships
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Baton Rouge
Posts: 34
Relationships
I have heard many times that it is best to put your relationship aside while your loved one is in recovery. If your loved one is asking you to stand by his side is that not where you belong? Supporting his efforts to become sober? Writting him so that he has a confort in knowing that he is loved. Visiting when you can and learning as much as you can about his disease and how to help him stay sober when he comes home?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, Baya--I think you'll get a lot of replies here from people with much more experience than I have. You are on the right track w/wanting to learn about alcoholism and understand what it does. However, there is really nothing you can do to "help him stay sober" once he comes home. The Alanon saying is "you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it." True words. He has to want it and work for it.
Your job, on the other hand, is to learn YOUR part in the dysfunction and take care of YOUR side of the street, and believe me, it is no small task once you start to see things more clearly!
I would suggest maybe searching here for threads on detachment to shed some more light on this topic. I would also strongly recommend that if you are not currently going to Alanon, you check for meetings in your area and go to several. You'll learn so much there; it is time well spent and an investment in how to meet the problems of the future.
As I have seen others here say, "If just loving them was enough, there would BE no problems w/addictions or abuse...", and that is true. It takes more than love and good intentions.
Best wishes!
Your job, on the other hand, is to learn YOUR part in the dysfunction and take care of YOUR side of the street, and believe me, it is no small task once you start to see things more clearly!
I would suggest maybe searching here for threads on detachment to shed some more light on this topic. I would also strongly recommend that if you are not currently going to Alanon, you check for meetings in your area and go to several. You'll learn so much there; it is time well spent and an investment in how to meet the problems of the future.
As I have seen others here say, "If just loving them was enough, there would BE no problems w/addictions or abuse...", and that is true. It takes more than love and good intentions.
Best wishes!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i've been around recovery a long time and i've never heard that. there IS the suggestion that someone NEW to recovery not START any relationships for the first year or so........
that being said, quitting and staying quit is HARD work. unless the addict/alcoholic gives it all they have, their chances of long term sobriety are VERY limited. that means that in many ways their recovery IS going to take precedent. however that does not mean that partners abandon their partners, nor spouses live like hermits. it DOES mean that EACH individuals growth and health must now be the paramount concern, rather than each one looking to the other to get fixed.
it doesn't mean that people right outta rehab need to be cocooned in bubble wrap but it should be noted they are probably in no place to be dealing with a whole lot!
that being said, quitting and staying quit is HARD work. unless the addict/alcoholic gives it all they have, their chances of long term sobriety are VERY limited. that means that in many ways their recovery IS going to take precedent. however that does not mean that partners abandon their partners, nor spouses live like hermits. it DOES mean that EACH individuals growth and health must now be the paramount concern, rather than each one looking to the other to get fixed.
it doesn't mean that people right outta rehab need to be cocooned in bubble wrap but it should be noted they are probably in no place to be dealing with a whole lot!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Baton Rouge
Posts: 34
It is amazing the different opinions that you get when on this site. Some are so powerful they give you the courage to make it to the next step and others make you feel that you are simply in over your head.
I know that every recovery is different, and I know that I am simply looking to be reassured that I am doing the right thing by standing by my man. We have been together less than a year and I knew from the begining that he was an alcoholic who desired help. He is now getting that help and I want to be strong for him. We have actually known oneanother for seventeen years, but recently were both available.
Thank you for not making me feel like I am imposing on his getting help.
Baya
I know that every recovery is different, and I know that I am simply looking to be reassured that I am doing the right thing by standing by my man. We have been together less than a year and I knew from the begining that he was an alcoholic who desired help. He is now getting that help and I want to be strong for him. We have actually known oneanother for seventeen years, but recently were both available.
Thank you for not making me feel like I am imposing on his getting help.
Baya
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
My BF is 5+ months sober and working hard at his recovery. I did send him a couple of cards while he was in patient. I also attended a family recovery program. But I made sure to mainly leave him alone. His focus needed to be on him, not on us. When he first came home from treatment (after 2 months) I didn't really know what to do. Luckily, I had gotten really involved in AlAnon, and also had a counselor with a background in addiction. I learned that the best thing I could do for our relationship was stay focused on me. Keep on "my side of the street" and work on my own stuff. I have no power over his sobriety, and his decisions. His recovery is his business, and I try to stay out of it. Not perfect at that, but I try hard.
As I've worked on me, and he's worked on him, it's gotten better between us. Progress....not Perfection. Just my experience. I wish you the best.
As I've worked on me, and he's worked on him, it's gotten better between us. Progress....not Perfection. Just my experience. I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 342
You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it. Getting and staying sober is really hard work.
It's great that you want to support your man. It gives me a scare when someone says they want to help an A stay sober. It reminds me of the wild look in my RAH's eyes when he was less than 3 months sober and he was full of anxiety, how he kept trying to escalate almost every exchange between us into a fight. He would often storm out the door and I took that as my cue to step away and I would say, remember it's your choice how you handle your anxiety, don't blame it on me. I would also say it's not acceptable for you to speak with me that way or treat me a certain way if it was relevant.
He's about a year sober now so he eventually found his own way of how to stay sober for that long, without my help. He is still working at times on handling his stress and interacting with others in an acceptable manner. I'm still here, it's getting better.
Keep your focus on you. (((HUGS)))
It's great that you want to support your man. It gives me a scare when someone says they want to help an A stay sober. It reminds me of the wild look in my RAH's eyes when he was less than 3 months sober and he was full of anxiety, how he kept trying to escalate almost every exchange between us into a fight. He would often storm out the door and I took that as my cue to step away and I would say, remember it's your choice how you handle your anxiety, don't blame it on me. I would also say it's not acceptable for you to speak with me that way or treat me a certain way if it was relevant.
He's about a year sober now so he eventually found his own way of how to stay sober for that long, without my help. He is still working at times on handling his stress and interacting with others in an acceptable manner. I'm still here, it's getting better.
Keep your focus on you. (((HUGS)))
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
it DOES mean that EACH individuals growth and health must now be the paramount concern, rather than each one looking to the other to get fixed.
YOU have been around recovery for a Good While. With the emphasis on GOOD. Best thing I have read (for me) on here in some while. Thank You, so much.
it doesn't mean that people right outta rehab need to be cocooned in bubble wrap but it should be noted they are probably in no place to be dealing with a whole lot!
Mrs. Hammer was such a drooling head case when she came back from rehab in December, that we (the kids and me) named that part of the behavior/persona "Possessed." Like Linda Blair in The Exorcist. (no joke). All we lacked was the spinning head and green projectile vomit.
Christmas was insane.
We laugh about it now (guarded, still) but it was NOT fun at the time.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Back to Baya,
YOU take care of YOU for now.
Do what you need to maintain whatever you need to do with/for him -- but --
YOU take care of YOU for now.
If that Homecoming Hurricane hits like it did for us -- you need to have YOUR sandbags full, YOUR support in place, and be PRAYED UP.
YOU take care of YOU for now.
Do what you need to maintain whatever you need to do with/for him -- but --
YOU take care of YOU for now.
If that Homecoming Hurricane hits like it did for us -- you need to have YOUR sandbags full, YOUR support in place, and be PRAYED UP.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
In my experience you need to actually take a step back from the relationship.
You can still be there to encourage & support but you must also put your focus on yourself & let them find there own way. It is very important that their sobriety takes top priority.
There is no hurry.
Both work your own recoveries & take one day at a time.
You can still be there to encourage & support but you must also put your focus on yourself & let them find there own way. It is very important that their sobriety takes top priority.
There is no hurry.
Both work your own recoveries & take one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by Rosiepetal
You can still be there to encourage & support but you must also put your focus on yourself & let them find there own way. It is very important that their sobriety takes top priority.
There is no hurry.
Both work your own recoveries & take one day at a time.
There is no hurry.
Both work your own recoveries & take one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
I think you have to take things slow and see how they progress. My situation is different than what a lot have posted it seems. My husband went to a non-12 step rehab, and they promoted family involvement. I was able to talk to him almost any day during non treatment hours. Able to visit on weekends. I did get assigned my own therapist to help me work through all my issues, this I would highly recommend ! But in addition, the rehab had us start marriage counseling through them - at about half way through his 90 day stay. The idea was for us each to have time to work solely on our issues, and then have time to work out the relationship issues as much as possible before he came home. This allowed him to return to a more stable environment was the idea. He said & I had the same experience.. that the work we did together also sped up the individual recovery process because it brought issues to light and we dealt with them individually right away. My husband of course continued working most intensively on himself for that last half... Anyway, it worked out good for us. he continued therapy sessions when he came home, and we also continued marriage counseling. Its been a year now, and so far, so good.
Time2smile
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: San Antonio, Texas
Posts: 3
Dancingnow- I really appreciate your post-my girlfriend is a recovery addict and has the same anger issues. She does the same thing-yell things and storm out of the room. I learned to ignore it and just let her know that I will not be that person that yells. I just wish I knew how to trust her-when it comes to the medications she comes in contact with-how do u guys do it?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
It is amazing the different opinions that you get when on this site. Some are so powerful they give you the courage to make it to the next step and others make you feel that you are simply in over your head.
This is a massively complicated situation we find ourselves in. We have to learn how to back away from the addict and let them experience the natural consequences of their choices. Then, we are challenged to look at ourselves and why we thought an addict made a good partner for us.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 183
I think the most important thing to do is to live your life in such a way as to be happy, relationship or not.
It has been my experience that a romantic relationship is put on hold during early recovery. I was supportive and available if he wanted to talk, but left it up to him to decide how much support he wanted. We made it through, but the early days were stressful.
It has been my experience that a romantic relationship is put on hold during early recovery. I was supportive and available if he wanted to talk, but left it up to him to decide how much support he wanted. We made it through, but the early days were stressful.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Baya,
Alcohol is an alcoholic's trigger drugs are a drug addict's trigger and relationships are a codependent's trigger.
You fell madly in love with someone you’ve only known for less then a year(classic codependent) You are now so focused on this “relationship” and all YOUR fears that it won’t work out are quickly rising to the surface. You are looking for reassurance that by you standing by your man being front and center in and with his recovery that you will “secure” this relationship.
This guy doesn’t even know who he is let alone who you are, his brain and emotions have been drowned in alcohol for a very long time and he has a very ruff road ahead of him. When codies are insecure they tend to smother, overly love and insert themselves in every aspects of another person’s life to secure themselves in the relationship.
If you want to truly help him then help yourself first – just like the emergency procedure in a airplane. Put your oxygen mask on first before attempting to help someone else. Get in touch with your own issues and begin working YOUR own recovery program.
Alcohol is an alcoholic's trigger drugs are a drug addict's trigger and relationships are a codependent's trigger.
You fell madly in love with someone you’ve only known for less then a year(classic codependent) You are now so focused on this “relationship” and all YOUR fears that it won’t work out are quickly rising to the surface. You are looking for reassurance that by you standing by your man being front and center in and with his recovery that you will “secure” this relationship.
This guy doesn’t even know who he is let alone who you are, his brain and emotions have been drowned in alcohol for a very long time and he has a very ruff road ahead of him. When codies are insecure they tend to smother, overly love and insert themselves in every aspects of another person’s life to secure themselves in the relationship.
If you want to truly help him then help yourself first – just like the emergency procedure in a airplane. Put your oxygen mask on first before attempting to help someone else. Get in touch with your own issues and begin working YOUR own recovery program.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear baya, I think that when an A says to "Stand by my side" often means to keep the relationship in the exact same place is has been---in order to keep his needs satisfied.
The rub with this position is that the relationship has been organized in a way that has enabled him (or her, of course) to drink and still "function". This typical relationship has allowed the A to be the most important person in the family; to avoid certain or all responsibility; to behave in immature or narcissistic ways; to neglect or ignore the needs of others--or to actually be abusive; depend on others to make decisions for them...the list goes on, but, you get the picture......
In general terms---the best way to "stand by your man" is to allow them to take responsibility for their own recovery program (keep your hands off) and stop doing things for them that they can and should be doing for themselves (stop enabling). The important step is to put the energy back onto your own neglected self and your needs. Alanon is there to help you sort this out. So is SR , and therapists and lots of literature.
The country song didn't explain all this, now, did it.......?
sincerely, dandylion
The rub with this position is that the relationship has been organized in a way that has enabled him (or her, of course) to drink and still "function". This typical relationship has allowed the A to be the most important person in the family; to avoid certain or all responsibility; to behave in immature or narcissistic ways; to neglect or ignore the needs of others--or to actually be abusive; depend on others to make decisions for them...the list goes on, but, you get the picture......
In general terms---the best way to "stand by your man" is to allow them to take responsibility for their own recovery program (keep your hands off) and stop doing things for them that they can and should be doing for themselves (stop enabling). The important step is to put the energy back onto your own neglected self and your needs. Alanon is there to help you sort this out. So is SR , and therapists and lots of literature.
The country song didn't explain all this, now, did it.......?
sincerely, dandylion
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
