My Spouse & "Our" Drinking
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 10
My Spouse & "Our" Drinking
My husband recently decided that his drinking was becoming too much (after wrecking his car, missing work and falling short on his duties as husband and father) and has decided to get sober. He has attended a few meetings and is very serious about sobriety. He has asked that I join him in sobriety for the sake of our marriage and our family. He is nearly 20 days sober.
I have always been a social drinker, enjoyed having wine with friends and wine after work. I am the first to admit that I had been drinking entirely too heavy, with my husband, lately. I agree that I needed to cut back - and at first, felt very on board with becoming sober...as in the pure definition of the word....dumping out any alcohol, not putting myself in any situations where I may be tempted. I haven't had a drink for over a week and I feel great.
However, my husband is pressuring me to go to meetings and I really didn't feel comfortable at the meeting I attended with him. I truly didn't/don't feel like my life is spiraling out of control, or that my drinking is ruining my life. I acknowledge that I was drinking too much and I really haven't had a problem reining it in, so to speak.
I'm very anxious to discuss this with my husband as I think he's of the mindset that it's all or nothing, and that if I'm not committed to complete & total sobriety with him, that we can't be together. He lives his life in extremes and I'm either behind him 100% or he's going at it alone.
Any advice on how best to deal with what I'm facing would be appreciated.
I don't want to end our marriage. We have two beautiful children (1 from my previous marriage, which was to an alcoholic and 1 together) and I'm worried he will use my desire to drink socially against me and our family. (if that makes sense)
I have always been a social drinker, enjoyed having wine with friends and wine after work. I am the first to admit that I had been drinking entirely too heavy, with my husband, lately. I agree that I needed to cut back - and at first, felt very on board with becoming sober...as in the pure definition of the word....dumping out any alcohol, not putting myself in any situations where I may be tempted. I haven't had a drink for over a week and I feel great.
However, my husband is pressuring me to go to meetings and I really didn't feel comfortable at the meeting I attended with him. I truly didn't/don't feel like my life is spiraling out of control, or that my drinking is ruining my life. I acknowledge that I was drinking too much and I really haven't had a problem reining it in, so to speak.
I'm very anxious to discuss this with my husband as I think he's of the mindset that it's all or nothing, and that if I'm not committed to complete & total sobriety with him, that we can't be together. He lives his life in extremes and I'm either behind him 100% or he's going at it alone.
Any advice on how best to deal with what I'm facing would be appreciated.
I don't want to end our marriage. We have two beautiful children (1 from my previous marriage, which was to an alcoholic and 1 together) and I'm worried he will use my desire to drink socially against me and our family. (if that makes sense)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
we would not wish to cause another to stumble
when I first sobered up
my wife (a normal drinker) took all of the booze out of the house
I didn't expect her to stop drinking her one glass of wine a day
but
she did for a while
after I had some months of sobriety
and assured her that her normal drinking at home would not bother me
she started having her one glass of wine a day
it's not a big deal to me
I'm the one who has a drinking problem (only when drinking)
if you think that you are drinking too much
you probably are
if you drink around your husband in early sobriety
it may be hard on him to handle ??
we would not wish to cause another to stumble
onehigherpower
my wife (a normal drinker) took all of the booze out of the house
I didn't expect her to stop drinking her one glass of wine a day
but
she did for a while
after I had some months of sobriety
and assured her that her normal drinking at home would not bother me
she started having her one glass of wine a day
it's not a big deal to me
I'm the one who has a drinking problem (only when drinking)
if you think that you are drinking too much
you probably are
if you drink around your husband in early sobriety
it may be hard on him to handle ??
we would not wish to cause another to stumble
onehigherpower
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I quit drinking, for the most part, while I was in relationships with sober alcoholics. It seems to me to be common courtesy to support someone you love by not drinking around them and not having it in their home.
Now, I can't say whether you are an alcoholic or not, but I drank like you while those guys were drinking, had no problem quitting to support them, but I did, in fact, cross the line into alcoholism a few years later.
It's your call whether you have a problem that requires a program like AA. I would certainly suggest, though, that you keep an eye on your own drinking behavior because it can change over time.
Meantime, I would suggest you might benefit from Al-Anon, for families and friends of alcoholics. Al-Anon uses the same 12 Steps, and if you ever find yourself in need of AA, you will have a leg up on it. It will also help you to grow along with your husband as he works his own program. Just something to consider.
Now, I can't say whether you are an alcoholic or not, but I drank like you while those guys were drinking, had no problem quitting to support them, but I did, in fact, cross the line into alcoholism a few years later.
It's your call whether you have a problem that requires a program like AA. I would certainly suggest, though, that you keep an eye on your own drinking behavior because it can change over time.
Meantime, I would suggest you might benefit from Al-Anon, for families and friends of alcoholics. Al-Anon uses the same 12 Steps, and if you ever find yourself in need of AA, you will have a leg up on it. It will also help you to grow along with your husband as he works his own program. Just something to consider.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Your husband is responsible for his sobriety and his program. But he's not responsible for your decisions. If you don't feel the need for AA, that's your decision. Even if you do want to attend AA, I would highly suggest not attending the same meetings as your husband. Your privacy in those meetings is important, you need to feel safe to speak etc. I think a couple in the same room could be a problem There are women only groups that you could attend.
I would suggest for now, that you attend AlAnon. If you don't feel you're an A, you are living with someone who struggles with alcohol, so you would benefit from AlAnon. Many of us on here who have partners in AA attend AlAnon for our own recovery.
I would suggest for now, that you attend AlAnon. If you don't feel you're an A, you are living with someone who struggles with alcohol, so you would benefit from AlAnon. Many of us on here who have partners in AA attend AlAnon for our own recovery.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
I agree with what the others said about Al-Anon.
You have to quit when you are ready... if it comes to that. Only you can decide whether you are an alcoholic.
I quit drinking a bit under a year ago, not because I was drinking all the time, but because it was affecting my life negatively. I started to get depressed and angry when I drank, and it was conflicting with my heart medicine. Finally, I just said it wasn't worth it to me. Am I an A? Hmm... probably... but the definition doesn't matter to me much. What matters is that it was affecting my life negatively and I said enough.
My boyfriend, on the other hand, is a binge drinker. He drinks 2 nights a week, sometimes 3. Sometimes he does not get drunk, other times he gets so drunk he passes out. I would love to see him quit. In my opinion, he is an alcoholic for sure because he is incapable of budging from that 2 night a week setpoint. He has tried, and failed. And it will probably get worse.
Like you, he is sometimes on board with recovery and sometimes not so much. Last week, he wanted to quit for good. This week, he thinks he can handle it. I think that is common - eventually he will come to a decision, just like you will have to.
At that point, your husband will have to make his own decision. Whether you are an A or not, he may decide that he does not want to be with someone who drinks. That is his right, as painful as it is for both of you. Then you can decide what you think about that.
AA meeting make many people uncomfortable at first. If you feel you can, just sit through a few more and listen. I am sure that your husband will appreciate the support.
As for telling him - honesty is the best policy. You definitely do not want to make him any promises that you do not feel comfortable keeping! But do be gentle and leave options open, since you aren't sure. Maybe just ask for more time and in the meantime abstain around him?
You have to quit when you are ready... if it comes to that. Only you can decide whether you are an alcoholic.
I quit drinking a bit under a year ago, not because I was drinking all the time, but because it was affecting my life negatively. I started to get depressed and angry when I drank, and it was conflicting with my heart medicine. Finally, I just said it wasn't worth it to me. Am I an A? Hmm... probably... but the definition doesn't matter to me much. What matters is that it was affecting my life negatively and I said enough.
My boyfriend, on the other hand, is a binge drinker. He drinks 2 nights a week, sometimes 3. Sometimes he does not get drunk, other times he gets so drunk he passes out. I would love to see him quit. In my opinion, he is an alcoholic for sure because he is incapable of budging from that 2 night a week setpoint. He has tried, and failed. And it will probably get worse.
Like you, he is sometimes on board with recovery and sometimes not so much. Last week, he wanted to quit for good. This week, he thinks he can handle it. I think that is common - eventually he will come to a decision, just like you will have to.
At that point, your husband will have to make his own decision. Whether you are an A or not, he may decide that he does not want to be with someone who drinks. That is his right, as painful as it is for both of you. Then you can decide what you think about that.
AA meeting make many people uncomfortable at first. If you feel you can, just sit through a few more and listen. I am sure that your husband will appreciate the support.
As for telling him - honesty is the best policy. You definitely do not want to make him any promises that you do not feel comfortable keeping! But do be gentle and leave options open, since you aren't sure. Maybe just ask for more time and in the meantime abstain around him?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Your husband has taken on that viewpoint of all or nothing, black or white thinking.
There are people for whom their lives have spiraled so out of control that it is best they never touch a drop again.
But there are also many people who have drank too much for a period in their lives, and backed away from that behavior, without meetings, without black and white thinking. I've been there, it sounds like so have you, and I bet it is very common with spouses, particularly women, who can't drink as much to begin with.
This is a great question as to how much a marriage should be entwined with personal choices. I don't think anyone the answer, as the answers are unique to the couples. But I'm concerned that it sounds like your husband is controlling. He is demanding you shadow him on his mission, and if you don't, then he is threatening to axe the marriage!
He's out of line there! You are not his puppet. I think you realize this insanity for what it is.
However, it sure puts you in a tough spot. Since you also think your drinking has increased too much, it won't hurt to embrace sobriety in the home for the very existance of the marriage. I wouldn't argue with him at this point on that.
I think the suggestion that his meetings be his, and your meetings be yours, is an excellent one. That shares are private, and independent of a marriage, is a terrific out for you to being forced to attend these meetings with him. His sobriety is his inner-fight alone, and he may need some time to come to that realization.
I would simply nod and "mmm" a lot of what he is saying right now when it comes to alcohol. He's trying to control you too. But I would be very careful to notice if and when he is trying to control you in similar ways that are not related to alcohol. This dictatorship style is a red flag to me. I'd separate his control, and let him on this one issue, for awhile, and make sure he isn't doing the same with other aspects of YOUR life. Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself....hopefully he won't announce one day--ok, we are drinking again starting today! See what I mean about the puppet on a string?
But I know you so want to avoid war on this one. Psst...keep your own council or come here!
If the meetings don't work for you, they don't work for you. They didn't work for me. He is going to have to learn that you are independent people. But new to sobriety, let him have a few months for that realization to set in. Right now he's on a mission and he won't see other ways of thinking. In a few months you can begin the discussions and or marriage counseling if necessary if he is still trying to control YOU.
There are people for whom their lives have spiraled so out of control that it is best they never touch a drop again.
But there are also many people who have drank too much for a period in their lives, and backed away from that behavior, without meetings, without black and white thinking. I've been there, it sounds like so have you, and I bet it is very common with spouses, particularly women, who can't drink as much to begin with.
This is a great question as to how much a marriage should be entwined with personal choices. I don't think anyone the answer, as the answers are unique to the couples. But I'm concerned that it sounds like your husband is controlling. He is demanding you shadow him on his mission, and if you don't, then he is threatening to axe the marriage!
He's out of line there! You are not his puppet. I think you realize this insanity for what it is.
However, it sure puts you in a tough spot. Since you also think your drinking has increased too much, it won't hurt to embrace sobriety in the home for the very existance of the marriage. I wouldn't argue with him at this point on that.
I think the suggestion that his meetings be his, and your meetings be yours, is an excellent one. That shares are private, and independent of a marriage, is a terrific out for you to being forced to attend these meetings with him. His sobriety is his inner-fight alone, and he may need some time to come to that realization.
I would simply nod and "mmm" a lot of what he is saying right now when it comes to alcohol. He's trying to control you too. But I would be very careful to notice if and when he is trying to control you in similar ways that are not related to alcohol. This dictatorship style is a red flag to me. I'd separate his control, and let him on this one issue, for awhile, and make sure he isn't doing the same with other aspects of YOUR life. Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself....hopefully he won't announce one day--ok, we are drinking again starting today! See what I mean about the puppet on a string?
But I know you so want to avoid war on this one. Psst...keep your own council or come here!
If the meetings don't work for you, they don't work for you. They didn't work for me. He is going to have to learn that you are independent people. But new to sobriety, let him have a few months for that realization to set in. Right now he's on a mission and he won't see other ways of thinking. In a few months you can begin the discussions and or marriage counseling if necessary if he is still trying to control YOU.
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