Amber23

So I wanted to express this before I "forgot"...AH is 3 weeks sober after a detox stay and intense immersion into AA. Things are looking very good so far, but I am cautiously optimistic.

So the storm around me has calmed, but of course my ears are still ringing from 15 years. But WOW there is a weight lifted....
then I realized something.....

HE decided and chose to detox and get help.....and it is working....
I am relieved, but am struggling with something...
what if he hadn't gone?

The last 2 years have spiraled so badly.....
what was I going to do if this hadn't happened.....
What will I do if it doesn't stick?

For some reason it is bothering me, maybe because I know I wasn't seeking much help. and was I just relying on "hope" that he would sober up?
I am not sure how to express it, and I have lived with him for 15 years so the struggle and lack of control are obvious to me....but what is bugging me?

Maybe its a bit of clarity? I don't know. Does anyone get this???

Seren

I think I do....

I have felt that way when something changed in my life that was causing me a lot of grief....but I DID NOT change it. Therefore, I had NO CONTROL over whether or not it changed back--again.

It's kinda scary and I believe I felt bad for two reasons.

I believe it was scary because I had no control and the situation might revert to something I did not like at any moment.

and...

I felt very foolish and ashamed and angry at myself that I did nothing to change my own situation because I was too scared, or indecisive, or I just did not like the choice I had to make--even though I knew what would be my better path all along.

I don't know if this matches what you are feeling, but this is where I have been in the past

LexieCat

Here's the thing--it's never too late to work on yourself. How about using this time of early sobriety (which can be rocky at times and difficult even without any relapses--my first husband, who never picked up a drink again and is sober 33 years, worked very hard but was still hard to live with at times in the beginning) to get busy with Al-Anon and change your own life? You will be better prepared for whatever comes along. Even if the alcoholic achieves happy sobriety, life keeps happening, and there will be disappointments and setbacks and tragedy in everyone's life. Al-Anon can help in so many ways and can really enrich your life.

Hope the good developments there continue!

honeypig

Yes, this ^^^ x1000. I also have a hub in early recovery, and I worry and fret about "what to do if..." As Lexiecat says, there is no point in that. I have to work on MY OWN shortcomings and build a life for myself that will make ME happy, no matter what the A does or does not do. Hard to remember at times, but I believe this is the only way for me. And Alanon is a great help, indeed.

LaTeeDa

It sounds like the fear that comes from depending on someone else to make you happy. I lived that way for two decades. Not a very good way to live. Spending time working on how to make myself happy, regardless of what others do, was the way I found peace.

L

DreamsofSerenity

I think I know what you mean. My exabf left me, and of course I'm doing about a million times better... But I keep comparing myself to an alcoholic who gets thrown in jail and quits drinking because she has to. What if he hadn't left me? Would I still be trapped in the horror that was essentially killing me? I'm not dating and am working on recovery, but I often worry about getting blindsided by another unhealthy man.. I really wish I could go back and be the one who left him, but I can't.

atalose

I learned this a long time ago on here:

It’s always good to have “hope” but hope is not a plan…..

Moving forward get yourself involved in al-anon or counseling. Get interested in your own finances and all the things that bind you together so you have an idea of where you stand and what might be involved if a time comes when you decide to go it on your own.

It’s too easy to just have blind faith that “this time” he will remain sober especially when their track records say different.

Them going to detox or rehab isn’t the end all be all to their recovery, it’s simply a starting point that offers them an opportunity……….it’s up to them to cash in on that opportunity or not

SolTraveler

I find that after the stress is mostly lifted, I tend to collapse. Maybe that is what is happening to you?

Anyway, you are right to be cautious, and you are also right to be optimistic. For many people, recovery does stick. Maybe it will for him.

But if not, you do need a plan. You do not need to make a decision now if you don't feel up to it, but think about your next move in case.

Good luck though, I really hope it works out!!