Avalon393

I have not been taking very good care of myself lately. Just running around with different guys. I think I'm just doing it to distract myself or build my own self esteem back up from my being dumped. I just got news yesterday that an old mutual friend of my exabf and I had overdosed on heroin (my ex's main drug of choice that he thankfully has not picked back up...yet) It really shook me up. And got me worrying about my ex and wondering if he knew yet, but I didn't wanna break NC. Tonight the ex's roomate called me and said he didn't know what to do, that he came home and my exabf was looking at pictures of me, crying and depressed, asking the roomate to call me & stating that he had tried earlier with no luck (although I never received a call.) He also said that basically the whole vibe of the house is off since I've left, with the dog and my ex acting crazy. I immediately panicked and just rushed off the phone.

I then sent the roomate this in a text: please tell (my ex) that I will always love him & care about him. If anything ever happened to him I would be devastated. Although I don't think it's healthy that we talk right now, I do hope that we can be friends someday. Also, tell him to please be safe and take care of himself. You too. Thanks

He replied saying "ok.". anyways...am just terrified. This is is the same pattern i want to break in which I would normally get back together with him until he decided to abandon me again. I've never NOT taken him back. I just don't understand How I can love someone so deeply that hurts me so deeply? It is almost as if I view him as my child and when he is hurting, then so am I. I just want to make him feel better...but it is only going to destroy me more in the process....thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciate.

Avalon393

I forgot to add my "thank you" in there as well. I really appreciate everyone who takes the time to read my threads, I know I am so all over the place lately.

Seren

Good morning, Avalon!

I'm so sorry, and it seems you haven't had much sleep lately either! That always makes me depressed. I know I have struggled in my life with receiving my value and worth from outside--from others.

I don't know that I really have any advice. I just hope that you will come to know that you someone who is worthy of love...of being loved.

I hope that you will come to know that whether a man pays attention to you or not, the simple fact that you are wholly worthy of love does not change.

If it will make you feel better, perhaps advise your ex's roommate to call 911 if he feels the man is truly suicidal--never hesitate. Beyond that, it might be good to block all their numbers from your phone. No contact = no new hurt (as someone here says).

Please take good care of yourself. Try to get some rest, it helps!

tootsl1

You know already, you said it yourself that you have to break the cycle. He is not strong enough to do that, so you need to. I feel your text said all that needed said.
As for your self esteem, it is called self for a reason, only you can feel better about you, and looking for validation from different men will only bring you lower. I feel you need to start being nicer to yourself. Remember that you are lovely, loveable and worth loving. Start doing things for yourself that make you happy. Focus on your own sobriety and a better life

Whatever happens in the exbfs life is no longer your responsibility.

Be strong, be safe, be sober

Davebizzle

You don't need to find your strength. It's already within you just waiting for you to realise that. In life sometime you have to just sit back and let things happen because that's the experience life has chosen for you. I know you are thinking 'why would it choose a messes up experience for me ?' well that's life and trying to figure it out is just like trying to figure out if Gos is real or not. That's why it's called an experience because you are supposed to experience it and you to learn from it. Don't date any guys just stay single for a while so you can find out what you enjoy as a person , then that way you can grow. Cut off all ties with your ex because if your ever going to move on you'll need to start over again. Does this situation feel like happiness to you ? No ? Well then , it's not meant to be.

pattyG

Avalon -

I just finished a book about abandonment. I struggle with the same issue - why I love someone who has hurt me repeatedly. FWIW - I had to start looking at my family of origin. I found that my mother was always difficult to please - the dynamic was me trying to make her happy and never quite succeeding. I found that dynamic is played out with my ex. because that relationship was part of my chidlhood, it is familiar on a subconscious level. On of the exercises in the book is to start a dialog with your inner child. I, at first, had a hard time with this and they recommend you write it, quickly, without alot of thought. The part that stuck home is this horrible abandonment feeling I get, which is overwhelming. It is viceral pain...not something logic helps with. It made sense that it was an unconscious need being triggered. Hope this helps.

gmanriley

As much as it hurts, and I know it hurts beyond words, you must break this chain of destruction. Do it now, be strong.

Avalon393

Yes. I am also experiencing a strong sense of guilt. I think of the sweet and thoughtful things he did do for me. All the expensive gifts he bought me that I still have and the times he loaned me money or basically payed my way when I was struggling. He did so much good and so much harm to me as well but I still feel "responsible" for his happiness in some weird way, like I owe it to him. I am always second guessing myself and just trying desperately to hand him over to god.

LifeRecovery

Avalon393-

The drug of choice of my loved one was a substance....the drug of choice for me was trying to make it "okay" for him.

When I FINALLY realized I could not do that anymore it was really, really hard and I was really really emotional. I kept thinking about what a great person he was, all his strengths, how much he was hurting etc.

That was my hook, and not participating in that hook was really hard for me to shift out of. You are not crazy, many of us have experienced something like this.

What are you doing to take care of you right now?

SolTraveler

Avalon... have you researched codependency? I wondered because I tend to do the same things you do - look for the next distraction (typically in men) rather than feel the loss of a relationship. I have been in a never ending string of relationships for over 20 years - never been single since the moment I started dating.

Anyway, something to think about.

I am so sorry about your relationship. I am experiencing the same thing - I have a feeling that everything between me and my ABF is about to collapse and it is heartbreaking. I am having a very hard time with it and I know if it does fall apart that I am going to struggle with it.

You are very strong. Embrace it.

Sally3127

Are you doing any outside therapy? That could be very beneficial. Stay strong.

my3sonsnme

Avalon you are definitely stronger then you think...your post sounded very clear headed and not all over the place at all. It hard to not be there for someone you love, even harder to not want to rescue them for people like us...
Remember that addicts are manipulative...he knows the pattern as well as you do.