Dublin

Every time I think I've made progress I slide back into old patterns. I started a battle today I knew I couldn't win and that I knew was pointless. I pointed out something that I was unhappy about but I've pointed it out countless times before and the response is always the same 'I'm selfish and its all about me and I've no understanding or compassion for his side' - well you better believe it - understanding and compassion- those ships sailed long ago.

But I thought I was detaching thought I was turning the focus to me thought I was letting go of expectations and future thinking, got to two meetings this week and it is usually one if I'm lucky. but today I was right back in a place of anger and hurt. I'm having to bite my tongue and struggle as I write as he is downstairs watching a DVD too loud and all indignant and injured feeling and I want to tell him everything that's in my head and heart but thre is NO POINT he has no interest except in turning it all back on me.

Sorry for rant and vent but thought writing here better than futile speaking to him. Just to clarify he is sober and in recovery but early days and a bit up his own 'you know what' about it at the moment. I keep thinking there will be a moment when recovery will click in in earnest and I'll see a changed man. That's my delusion and weakness speaking, roll on 'experience strength and hope' I want to meet those three bad boys! Thanks again for being here for the rant.

SolTraveler

No problem, Dublin. I remember when I first got sober, my ABF almost went out and got me wine because I was such a grumpy pain in the a**. It takes awhile for recovery to really begin working a change. I am glad you are going to Al-Anon and posting here - we understand what you are going through.

FeelingGreat

Hey Dublin, it's a learning process. Don't beat yourself up, beat him up instead

MTSlideAddict

It is okay to vent and rant. That is exactly what we are here for, and it is okay not to be perfect. Sliding back to old habits will happen from time to time. You did wonderful by redirecting that anger energy into your post. It would have been absolutely pointless to pursue a further negative discussion.

Early recovery I hear can be tough for the A and their family. A lot of emotions are being stirred up. My A didn’t have much of a negative demeanor when fresh out of rehab, but I am not positive he was ever actually recovering. He is an active A again, so that goes to show for something.

Maybe pop in some headphones and put on some favorite tunes or an audio book while he watches his DVD. That’s what I do regarding the way too loud TV volume.

Dublin

Thanks for the responses and support it just keeps me away from pointless reacting. Just writing it down helped but hearing from others that you are not crazy or alone really helps. I hope I get some sleep and I've plans for tomorrow to keep me busy and happy.

This too will pass. I look forward to getting better at all this and feeling less anger - though your post was tempting feeling great!!!

I am craving serenity. Thanks again.

dandylion

:rotfxko:rotfxkoDear Dublin---Your post has reminded me of a saying that has rolled around AA circles:


Question: How can you tell that an alanoner has had a relapse?

Answer: They have five full minutes of compassion!


Thought you might use a chuckle!


dandylion

CAgirl9

Dublin - I can relate with so much of what you said. I wanted to say my peace, I'd get blamed, etc. I finally realized getting angry did not do any good and only made me look crazy. It really comes down to detaching and doing what's best for you. I struggled for a long time with this and then it finally kicked in. I'm not really sure when or how but I think it is due to going to Al Anon and truly opening myself up to the steps/slogans, etc. For me it is also about understanding and accepting the situation as it is and not how I wanted it to be. I fought that idea for a long time! My marriage is not the "fairytale" I thought it would be but I'm at peace and know I'm on the right road to have a life filled with peace and happiness.
My RAH has been sober for 15 months and I had high hopes our marriage would improve. It hasn't - he's not working a recover program. I don't mean to be a pessimist but I would suggest to not look to your RA for your happiness through his recovery.
This site is great support and I highly recommend AlAnon.

CeciliaV

I don't think that's pessimistic at all - it's detachment at its finest! I'm working SO hard to detach, trying to unhook my happiness from the connection to my husband's sobriety and recovery. It's hard, but I'm working at it. Today is especially hard, as it's AH's first day out of rehab and first day at his sober living facility. I went to a meeting today because I needed it, and I'm glad I did.

Dublin, just take it one day at a time, one moment at a time. We will all make stumbles along the way, but as long as we're moving forward and walking our own path, then we're going in the right direction.

dandylion

Dear Dublin, Ain't it sooo true. They can dish it out, all day, to us---but, the slightest criticism of them, and they fold like a delicate flower!

Dublin

Thanks all. Wise words from all and yes a chuckle always helps. I will get to a meeting again tomorrow and I was at one on Friday and it all helps. it's nearly always weekends which I think of as family time and couple time but that's not what we have. Main problem is we did have it last weekend we went away to friends and it was the happiest and most relaxed I've been for ages but it didn't last. That glimmer of hope. Who said hope deals the hardest blows.

Picking myself up today and starting again with the best of intentions and one day at a time. Maybe I'm getting to the point of leaving but I don't feel fully ready or strong enough yet but maybe I'm getting there.

Thanks again.