CodeJob

My father was on the hunt for guns and hidden bottles a week after I changed the locks on AH. He did not turn either up. I finally managed to write a letter to AH who took this time to try inpatient rehab. I told him in the letter I felt validated that I still knew him as sure enough there were no guns or bottles. I popped the letter in the mail pleased I had managed to write a newsy, non-codep note.

Several hours later AH called me. He wanted to come clean on where his bottles were hid from his recent sneaking. I thought of that darn letter in the blue box downstairs and felt my stomach drop. Trust. Not sure if that can ever come back. I went home that night and tossed all the empties in the recycle bin with a loud thunk!

On reflection though, he knew my boundary this time was different and that is why he was hiding it. "If you choose to drink, you cannot live in our family home." I, a lifelong codependent, set a boundary. Then I followed through with it. I did it bc I could no longer handle my anxiety and emotional eating which were my reaction to his disease. I did it bc I wanted our home to be a safe haven for me and my child. Of course AH thinks I did it just for him. I frankly did it bc of step one. I admitted I was powerless over alcohol. I had to let AH go bc I was just worn out from trying to fight his disease.

I have a really long road ahead of me and I thank everyone who posts here. You are an inspiration to me.


CodeJob

SolTraveler

Hi CodeJob- Good for you! I am in recovery for both alcoholism (I have almost a year in recovery) and for codependency. Honestly, the codependency is harder to beat, in my opinion.

You took a giant step - proud of you!

LexieCat

Heck, I'm proud of both of you. The fact that he called to tell you seems to be a positive sign that he's taking this seriously.

The VAST majority of alcoholics hide their drinking. I know I did. Boundaries or no boundaries, I found it damned embarrassing for anyone to know how much I was drinking.

And, looking on the bright side, I'd rather find hidden bottles than hidden guns.

Enjoy the peace while he's at rehab, and use the time to work hard on your own recovery.

CeciliaV

^^^THIS!!^^^
When my AH did his first stint in rehab, I did not make much if any progress on myself when he was there. I spent the first two weeks in codie caretaker land, taking care of paperwork, getting/making phone calls to coordinate his medical leave, playing telephone and getting messages & documents to him so he could be retained at his job, etc. By halfway into the third week, I was downright angry, and I only had myself to blame!

Long story short, he relapsed very quickly and ended up back in rehab. I learned my lesson from the first go around. While I'm by no means in great shape now, I'm doing SO much better and have actually been focusing on myself and allowing my AH to take care of his own details - he did the leave forms, he coordinated his rehab, and he found his own sober living facility. I've been working on myself and setting boundaries and keeping them. I've got a long way to go, but it feels fantastic to be making progress on me.

Keep at it! Set your boundaries, work on you, and take good care of yourself - sending you hugs!