Al27

I don't know if this will make any sense...

*me: sad
*him: "why are you sad? What's going on?"
*me : " i'm sorry, just having a hard time just because it seems like we are so distant... I don't feel like we connect... You're so... cold towards *me, but I'm trying to understand because it's early in recovery!! Want to support!!! I'm sorry. I love you"
*him: angry, argument, says I should just leave if I'm so unhappy and that he's the *******

Days later:
*me: calling him: "hi honey! How is your day"
*him: "fine." Deadpan
*me: "I'm making chicken tonight and the kids want to watch a movie"
*him: "whatever"
*me: "is something wrong? Are you ok?"
*him: "I'm unhappy"
*me: "why? What's wrong??"
*him: "because of the last several days. don't want to talk about it" hangs up

Later on
*me: "you know how I worry... Are you having a hard time?
(Later)
*me: "hey... really what's the matter?... Are you unhappy? Do you want to talk?"
*him: "THIS is the matter, you asking me if I'm unhappy!"
*me: "but you said you were unhappy and then hung up, that's why I started worrying..."

Now lets back up to the reason I was sad in the FIRST chapter... It's because he's cold and distant. But then he is allowed to get mad for TWO days at a situation he helped create? Has the nerve to tell me "you seem like YOU'RE unhappy, you should just leave me" and then creates a situation where he knows I'll worry about him and then acts like he's unhappy because I'm worrying about him?

I'm not stupid, I know on all levels this is the most co-dependent, stupid, insecure and hopeless pathetic thing to do. It's so easy to point out the flaws.
I still want to scream the eff word. YOU are the reason I worried in the first place and now you're mad at ME saying that's why you're an ass???! Eff off!!!!

SparkleKitty

Hon, are you doing anything for yourself these days? Is all this worry over how he's doing making your life better at all? What would happen if you took some of that worry-focus-energy OFF of him and ONTO you? What if you did something that didn't have anything to do with him or how he's doing? Did something that was JUST to make you feel good, regardless of what he thinks, says or does (or doesn't do) about it?

I hear how much pain you are in and I'm so sorry. The more you keep looking to him to heal your sadness the more disappointed this is all going to get. We can go over the details of these conversations and try to decipher the meaning in each and every word, phrase, or inflection, but it's not going to change anything. I am sending you strength, courage, and lots of hugs tonight.

dandylion

Dear A127, I can "hear" how desperate you feel, in your posts. It almost brings tears to my eyes, right now, because I can remember so clearly how this feels. It feels beyond horrible--and triggers intense anger.

One time, many years ago, I played "Purple Rain" (Prince) over and over while I cried over the exact same thing---for weeks.

In AA, they say this is like "going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread". You are wishing that the one that hurt you would participate in the comfort and healing of you. (if he would somehow, "come around" you would feel better). This is a terrible double-bind situation. Hon, every time you approach him like you described--it will CUT YOU DEEPER. This is where the detachment tool can be of help for you. The more you back off from him (in this kind of situation)--the less he can hurt you.

His happiness is not your job. Even if it were--it is still impossible. Your happiness is your job--he isn't going to help you with it--because he can't. He can barely cope with himself, right now.

A127--you are going to work your way through this! There is much to learn.

sincerely, dandylion

Hammer

Don't be hard on yourself, sounds like you are doing the best you know.

Only thing I could suggest is to dump THIS behavior . . .

Why put yourself through the misery just to get crapped on?

Let him call you when (and if) he gets the crap out of his own head.

Might take a while. Go get a life in the meanwhile.

Al27

Thanks guys~ you're all so sweet and encouraging! I'm feeling a LOT better tonight. I went and did some beauty stuff today, pampered myself a bit, and I'm gonna stop worrying about him so much and put the focus on myself! Did some fun stuff with the kids and everyone is having a great night... You're all so right... Negativity breeds more negativity so I'm gonna start putting positive energy out there and see what happens!! xo!

SolTraveler

Right on! Proud of you!

I am trying to do the same - on nights my ABF goes out I make plans to do something fun, or at least something I want to do that maybe I wouldn't normally do if he were here. It isn't a perfect system, but it helps me focus on my needs and my kids rather than his addiction - and me and the kids is exactly where the focus SHOULD be!

Good for you for making such a positive step!

FeelingGreat

Al27 - give him some space, and like the others pointed out, don't feel you need to know why he's feeling anything. It just gives him a chance to play you.
Your last post was so positive. Make yourself feel special, create a fun atmosphere with the kids, look after yourself.
He'll either work it though or he won't but don't let him drag you down with him. Make him respect you.

CeciliaV

Good on you! Do take good care of yourself, and yes, that pampering every now and again is downright awesome. I think we all need to feel special and allow ourselves to do nice things for ourselves.

Actually, I think when it comes down to it, we need to allow ourselves to feel good and feel like we deserve to be happy, no matter what is going on around us.

Sending you hugs, keep up the good work!