Need to vent. . .
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 94
Need to vent. . .
This weekend started with promise. Talked to STBXAH who was upbeat about getting his apartment ready so he could have the boys come over this coming weekend. He was sober. His parents even call and invite the boys and I over for lunch Sunday. STBXAH was not there, and the whole experience was good - although I was nervous about going. The boys had a great time with their grandparents and things felt. . .normal. STBXAH never came with us to dinner at my in-laws anyway, so I have always been there by myself. I was feeling like things were improving.
Then, Sunday night reality hit in the form of a phone call. STBXAH calls, bombed. Tells me (surprise) that he didn't get anything for the apartment. He needs to come home because he "can't stay sober in the apartment and needs me to keep him in check". Hmmmm. . .so let's put this in perspective. Our oldest has ADHD and cannot focus in math. He would do better if I sat in on his classes. . .I mean, no need for accountability or being responsible! Brilliant! I tell him his sobriety is not my responsibility, and I will not put the kids through a trial period to see if he can do this - I think we all know he can't right now anyway.
He then tells me he is quitting his job. He can't stay sober while traveling. He has quit his job before and didn't work for a year and a half. I say he should find something else before he just quits. Too late. . .he has taken a week leave and they've told him to get his act together by next Monday or he's done. My mind immediately goes to our tax return, sitting in his account. I need half of that before it's gone. My STBXAH makes double my salary. I have money saved, but I am going to need child support. I seriously feel sick thinking about that.
The icing on the cake. . .our oldest had his conference track meet Monday, so now STBXAH should be free to go, right?!? He makes a huge deal about it, calling our son on his cell phone to say good luck, texting how he wouldn't miss it. He knew our son would run prelims first thing. Prelims go, son moves on. . .guess who isn't there? My MIL comes. Oldest asks her if she's there with his dad. She thinks he's gone to Chicago as planned for work. . .I break the news. She calls deadbeat. . .no answer. Our oldest goes on with the rest of the meet - it was an all-day affair - and places in every race, awesome day . .STBXAH never comes. I could kill him at this point.
So. . .tomorrow I meet with my lawyer. I have gone no contact since the track meet. He keeps texting how much he loves me, can't live without us, and my favorite. . .he'd do anything for us. When do they ever get it????????
Sorry so long. . .I am so frustrated, and I feel like if I tell people about this crap they look at me like I've sprouted a second head.
Then, Sunday night reality hit in the form of a phone call. STBXAH calls, bombed. Tells me (surprise) that he didn't get anything for the apartment. He needs to come home because he "can't stay sober in the apartment and needs me to keep him in check". Hmmmm. . .so let's put this in perspective. Our oldest has ADHD and cannot focus in math. He would do better if I sat in on his classes. . .I mean, no need for accountability or being responsible! Brilliant! I tell him his sobriety is not my responsibility, and I will not put the kids through a trial period to see if he can do this - I think we all know he can't right now anyway.
He then tells me he is quitting his job. He can't stay sober while traveling. He has quit his job before and didn't work for a year and a half. I say he should find something else before he just quits. Too late. . .he has taken a week leave and they've told him to get his act together by next Monday or he's done. My mind immediately goes to our tax return, sitting in his account. I need half of that before it's gone. My STBXAH makes double my salary. I have money saved, but I am going to need child support. I seriously feel sick thinking about that.
The icing on the cake. . .our oldest had his conference track meet Monday, so now STBXAH should be free to go, right?!? He makes a huge deal about it, calling our son on his cell phone to say good luck, texting how he wouldn't miss it. He knew our son would run prelims first thing. Prelims go, son moves on. . .guess who isn't there? My MIL comes. Oldest asks her if she's there with his dad. She thinks he's gone to Chicago as planned for work. . .I break the news. She calls deadbeat. . .no answer. Our oldest goes on with the rest of the meet - it was an all-day affair - and places in every race, awesome day . .STBXAH never comes. I could kill him at this point.
So. . .tomorrow I meet with my lawyer. I have gone no contact since the track meet. He keeps texting how much he loves me, can't live without us, and my favorite. . .he'd do anything for us. When do they ever get it????????
Sorry so long. . .I am so frustrated, and I feel like if I tell people about this crap they look at me like I've sprouted a second head.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 94
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Completely, is it possible that your husband has ADHD? (in addition to alcoholism and irresponsible parenting)
curiously,
dandylion
curiously,
dandylion
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear completely, the reason that I ask is because I have an interest in ADHD--ever since I did a research paper on Adult ADHD. There is a lot of ADHD among alcoholics (more than in pop. at large).
Most adult ADHD goes undiagnosed---however, when it is diagnosed in the adult--it is often after their child is diagnosed--and it occurs to the parent---"Hey, I have those same symptoms!"
Undiagnosed adult adhd is sad---because the person (and, those around them) often label themselves as things like "stupid", "lazy", "scatterbrained", "not properly moviated", etc. It is just tough on everyone.
Thanks for your reply, completely.
dandylion
P.S. It is worth noting that girls go undiagnosed MORE often than boys (especially in the absence of hyperactivity). Hyperactivity doesn't always have to be present (ADD).
Most adult ADHD goes undiagnosed---however, when it is diagnosed in the adult--it is often after their child is diagnosed--and it occurs to the parent---"Hey, I have those same symptoms!"
Undiagnosed adult adhd is sad---because the person (and, those around them) often label themselves as things like "stupid", "lazy", "scatterbrained", "not properly moviated", etc. It is just tough on everyone.
Thanks for your reply, completely.
dandylion
P.S. It is worth noting that girls go undiagnosed MORE often than boys (especially in the absence of hyperactivity). Hyperactivity doesn't always have to be present (ADD).
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by dandylion
There is a lot of ADHD among alcoholics (more than in pop. at large).
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Sol, I am thinking that many people self-medicate with alcohol, drugs, eating, etc.....
for the effects of unrecognized or untreated ADHD (or ADD). Unrecognized, for what it truly is--there are significant interruptions in the normal development process--especially in the psychosocial areas--and, often, learning in bright individuals. We know what poor self-esteem does for a person, don't we??
It is often said: "They grow out of it in adolescence". While it seems true that the hyperactive aspect, when it has been present, often seems to decrease---the damage to the persons development is still present.
Medication is one prong of treatment--and can have significant impact--but, other components are equally important.
When recognized and treated as adults--treatment by experienced professionals can alter the quality of a person's life in the positive direction!!
I think that it is so unfortunate that a person can go through their entire life with an invisible burden--that could be lifted.......
sincerely, dandylion
for the effects of unrecognized or untreated ADHD (or ADD). Unrecognized, for what it truly is--there are significant interruptions in the normal development process--especially in the psychosocial areas--and, often, learning in bright individuals. We know what poor self-esteem does for a person, don't we??
It is often said: "They grow out of it in adolescence". While it seems true that the hyperactive aspect, when it has been present, often seems to decrease---the damage to the persons development is still present.
Medication is one prong of treatment--and can have significant impact--but, other components are equally important.
When recognized and treated as adults--treatment by experienced professionals can alter the quality of a person's life in the positive direction!!
I think that it is so unfortunate that a person can go through their entire life with an invisible burden--that could be lifted.......
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by dandylion
Dear completely, the reason that I ask is because I have an interest in ADHD--ever since I did a research paper on Adult ADHD. There is a lot of ADHD among alcoholics (more than in pop. at large).
Most adult ADHD goes undiagnosed---however, when it is diagnosed in the adult--it is often after their child is diagnosed--and it occurs to the parent---"Hey, I have those same symptoms!"
Undiagnosed adult adhd is sad---because the person (and, those around them) often label themselves as things like "stupid", "lazy", "scatterbrained", "not properly moviated", etc. It is just tough on everyone.
Thanks for your reply, completely.
dandylion
P.S. It is worth noting that girls go undiagnosed MORE often than boys (especially in the absence of hyperactivity). Hyperactivity doesn't always have to be present (ADD).
Most adult ADHD goes undiagnosed---however, when it is diagnosed in the adult--it is often after their child is diagnosed--and it occurs to the parent---"Hey, I have those same symptoms!"
Undiagnosed adult adhd is sad---because the person (and, those around them) often label themselves as things like "stupid", "lazy", "scatterbrained", "not properly moviated", etc. It is just tough on everyone.
Thanks for your reply, completely.
dandylion
P.S. It is worth noting that girls go undiagnosed MORE often than boys (especially in the absence of hyperactivity). Hyperactivity doesn't always have to be present (ADD).
He just started on strattera last month and says it was a good decision to try the meds. Another friend of mine has a very successful husband(no addiction issues) who has ADHD. She is very much into natural methods, essential oils and herbals, etc. but she finally asked her husband to go on meds, too. He takes vyvanse and it has really helped him be less scattered.
As for the girl thing you mentioned. I was always getting in trouble for being a daydreamer in school. I truly believe I would have tested positive for ADD as a child and even now. I don't know if it's because I'm a 40 something year old woman or if it's just hormonal but I swear I can't stay on track these days. I go into a room, start a project, leave it half unfinished, and then go do something else. I always get everything done, though, I just don't execute or organize it well so I probably waste time in the process. I find that if I write down a list of things I want to do in a day, I tend to get more done and stay on track.
To the original poster: my son has ADHD and Tourette's Syndrome. I have chosen to not medicate him, as well. At least, not yet. He's 14 and the neuropsychologist told me that if I medicate the ADHD that his TS tics will get much worse and they're already bad now during puberty. I feel like it's a double edged sword. If we medicate the tics, then he will be less attentive and tired and will not be able to perform his sports as well as he does now, either. For now, we're staying away from drugs especially anything that could be addictive since he has addiction in his genetic makeup. I am planning on having ds take a group social skills class in the fall and he will be working with an executive functioning coach, as well. I'm assuming they have these things available for adults, too?
FYI: I'm sorry if this got off topic!!! OOPS! Completelylost, I just want to offer you a hug and say that I know how it feels. My AH doesn't go to any of our son's tennis tournaments(various reasons, of course) but sends supportive texts, etc. I accept that that's his deal and I make sure my son knows he's loved by both of us, just in different ways. Sometimes, I feel sorry for my AH that he's missing watching his kid succeed. I mean, when I see my son win a final in a tournament out of state especially when he's down and he has to mentally bring himself back up, I know how hard that is. The level of competition that kids participate in these days is unbelievable and for them to compete, do schoolwork, and function at home is vastly under-acknowledged, LOL(is that a word?). Anyway, congrats to your son on his track meet!!! I'm sure he's been working hard to succeed!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 94
Lizatola - thank you! I feel so relieved that I found SR, because finally I can talk freely about my chaotic life and not be judged or criticized. It is hard to raise children period, but doing it with an alcoholic spouse that is "checked-out" most of the time just makes it more difficult. Sometimes I feel like I put so much time and effort into reassuring my kiddos, making sure they know they're loved and it is going to be ok - maybe that's one of the reasons I began feeling such disgust and resentment towards my STBXAH. And yes - kids compete at such a different level these days! They have so much to deal with, and adding ADHD to it. . .whew! 
I also feel sorry for STBXAH because he is the one missing out! And one day, when our boys are grown I know they will remember (or I hope) that mom was always there, no matter what. Makes me get a little teary thinking about that. Hugs to you too - I'm sure you run all over creation with your son's activities! Kudos to you for being there!
I also feel sorry for STBXAH because he is the one missing out! And one day, when our boys are grown I know they will remember (or I hope) that mom was always there, no matter what. Makes me get a little teary thinking about that. Hugs to you too - I'm sure you run all over creation with your son's activities! Kudos to you for being there!
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