NikNox

Hi all,

It's been a while since I posted because nothing had changed really. Stepdaughter's mum still alcoholic, struggling to walk, talk, eat or function. However, a week ago she was admitted to Hospital because she'd been feeling sick and weak the previous week and therefore hadn't been able to drink as much as usual, so had therefore gone into withdrawal, albeit unwittingly. She also had very low platelets and was Thiamine deficient to such a point that she could barely function. She was admitted last Friday, and we were informed on the Saturday, but Stepdaughter was told not to visit as her mother looked extremely unwell. Bear in mind she also has chronic liver disease. We were told she was on a Thiamine drip and was also being given Vitamin K injections to help her blood to thicken, as the low platelets had caused it to be so thin she could have bled out either externally or internally. So, Tuesday comes and we've not had an update so we contact her 'friend', a male, who told us he hadn't seen her since Sunday because she was mad at him for telling us she was in hospital. Needless to say, SD was fuming, because at 14 years of age she believed she had a right to know her mother was in hospital. I suggested to mum's friend that she call SD, which she did on Wednesday when SD told her we were coming to visit whether she liked it or not!! So, mum eventually agreed we could visit yesterday, which we did, but as we got to the Hospital she was sat outside in her friend's car as she'd been discharged (nice of her to let us know before we made the hour long journey to the Hospital!). Not too happy, SD said she would speak to her mum for a while in the car. Oh my god. I have never (and I work in the NHS) seen anyone look so ill. She was deathly white, puffy face but very scabby, her whole body was shaking and she could barely speak. She was wrapped up in goodness knows what, scarves etc and was still painfully thin (not that I expected her to be fatter after a week in hospital). It was awful. She had a bag with all her discharge meds, so I asked to look at it because we knew she hadn't drank for a week whilst in hospital so I was expecting to see drugs such as Valium or Librium in her meds, drugs which I am sure you are all aware are used to help withdrawal symptoms. But all she had were some antidepressants, calcium, Thiamine and Omeprazole. This struck me as being odd. I am absolutely certain that the doctors would have told her she must never drink again (she was told six months ago that if she carried on drinking she would die in a year), yet there were no drugs in her meds that would serve as a support at home, particularly as it's the weekend and her GP would not be open until Monday to prescribe anything she needed in the way of Diazepam etc.

We were all shocked to see how much iller she looked. I mean, if she'd said she was gonna die in a couple of days I'd have believed her. And, if, theoretically (because she didn't want to discuss it) she'd undergone a supervised detox for a week whilst in hospital (she's epileptic too so they would have given her detox drugs), why was she still shaking, all over? I just don't get it, and she's not going to tell us anything, so I just wondered if anyone had any experience of an alcoholic looking this ill, and still shaking after a week in hospital?

Needless to say, SD is incredibly worried and very angry!

Ann

The drugs you mentioned you expected to see were probably not given to her because of her addiction. The doctors have probably done what they could and even they cannot "make" her stop. Sadly, by the sounds of how she looks, she may not live long, and you can only pray for her and for her daughter.

I'm glad the daughter got to see her, at 14 she is old enough to want to see her regardless of how she looks and she probably has a grasp of addiction and knows what alcohol and drugs can do to a person.

It's just sad when they get this sick, it's sad for them and all who love them.

Hugs to all of you for trying to help your step daughter find peace with this.

Hugs

Sasha4

I am so sorry for your step daughter and you.

I am from the 'other side' so to speak, so I understand if you feel cross with me for posting here. I am also from the UK too.

I just wanted to say wow, you are a fabulous support for your step daughter.
I am a step mother myself and I find it hard having a step son.

I wish I was more like you and if I had reason to be (a traumatic event) I hope I would be as loving, supportive and kind as you are. You are doing something really magnificent. 14 is a tough age anyway, hormones, school, GCSE's, without your own mother going through this.

I also hope, but seriously don't think it will be the case, that her mum is grateful you are around to be there for her daughter. It must be a great relief she has such fantastic female support there for her daughter when she cannot offer it.

Perhaps your daughter could benefit from going to AL-anon?
Might help her deal with some of the thoughts and feelings she maybe going through. I am sure we have them in the UK.

Again, I think you are truly wonderful

My best to you and your stepdaughter xxx

NikNox

Thank you both. I have had a conversation, since posting, with the friend who collected her from Hospital last night. He said that all the way home, every time they passed a shop that could sell alcohol she was begging him to stop. He refused. When they got nearer to her home they passed a supermarket and she tried to jump out of the car, in her dressing gown and pyjama's, to go and buy booze!!!!! When they got back to her home, she made her friend unload her stuff from the car, ordered him to 'f' off and then went inside her neighbours home, who is also an alcoholic. So, she will definitely be drinking again, without a shadow of doubt. Just before they left the Hospital, the doctor told her she can never drink again, not even one drink, or she will die. So she hadn't even had those words in her head for an hour before she was wanting him to pull over so she could buy booze. The end is near.

Anaya

NixNox: If you don't mind me saying so, you are an angel.

Sending prayers for your dear SD (this burden and pain must be tremendous) and family.

Justfor1

Nik, you are correct that she should of had a benzo type drug like Librium along with the vitamins & anti-depressant. She may not have even completely withdrawn from the alcohol. I'm bit surprised you are from the U.K. as I thought this sort of thing only happened in the States. Sadly, hospital staff sometimes do not give the same type of care to alcoholics as they would others.

Kindeyes

I'm so sorry that you and most specifically, your step daughter, are having to deal with this. I can't imagine how your SD must feel seeing her mother so very I'll.

You will all be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

NikNox

Sasha4, sadly there is no Al-Ateen locally. We did take her to an Al-Anon meeting, which was great, but the average age was 60! She didn't want to go again. She's been having counselling at school ever since she came to live with us (July 2011), but recently started self harming so we got her a Hidden Harm Worker via our GP, and she has referred her to PCAMHS for psychiatric assessment because she struggles to deal with mum's alcoholism so much. I don't know what more we can do. I so wish we hadn't taken her to see her mum last night, it was a shock to all of us to see her look so gravely ill, although she's never looked particularly well! But to see someone who looks ill look considerably more ill following a week in hospital is quite something. SD has made me promise that I will always tell her the truth and never keep anything from her, so when she finishes work today (she has a Saturday job) we're going to have to sit her down and tell her her mother is drinking again, or do we? I just don't know. If something happens in the next week or so to her mum will she be angry if she knows we knew and didn't tell her? She is 14 after all, and I guess should be preparing herself for the worst.

Just41 - services for addiction aren't brilliant in this country, and from what I can gather, she was admitted for intravenous vitamins and Vitamin K injections to help her blood clot because of the low platelets, not for detox. When she was in hospital last October and had a liver biopsy which of course confirmed the liver disease they offered her a placement at the Hospital for detox, which would have required a 2 week stay. She refused. She was then offered residential rehab but turned that down too. It's all about funding - there are services, but you have to wait. But, whilst she was in they would have had to have given her something to help with withdrawal, plus she was at risk of fitting because she has alcohol induced epilepsy, and that's why I was surprised there weren't any benzo's in her discharge meds. Perhaps they just knew she would go back to drinking because they hadn't 'officially' treated her for detox. Anyway, it's all kind of null and void now because she's started drinking again, so even giving her benzo's wouldn't have served any purpose.

To everyone - all we can do is our best, but thank you, I am no angel but I love her like she was my own. We are feeling very emotional today because I guess the reality has hit home, not that it didn't before, but seeing her last night and then learning that she wanted to drink less than an hour before being told she can never drink again has shocked us more than I can say. And, I know there is nothing that anyone can do, this is her choice and she is killing herself.

Sasha4

I suppose it depends what she told the doctors.
She might have said she has no interest in giving up. She might have been really obstructive, refused to give info and discharged herself.

As for the trying to buy booze, to me that just shows she must be in complete agony and pain and every bone, nerve and fibre in her is screaming out for a drink.
The only way for her to deal with this is to get drink.
Behaviour which normal people do not understand.
There is a part of me that has sympathy for her, there must be an awful battle going on in her head between taking medical advice and getting booze.

Has she always been this bad, or is it a recent decline?

NikNox

I don't think she discharged herself to be honest, she just said her Thiamine levels had come up and they had allowed her to leave. I can understand that because she hadn't actually gone through a proper medical detox then she would have been desperate for a drink, and she would have had one, or several, when getting home because she lives next door to another alcoholic, who also has an alcoholic husband, and it's a house where the booze is free-flowing, all day, every day. She wasn't interested in going into her own home and resting and letting her friend look after her, she told him to f off because she knew he would object and try to stop her drinking.

This is an ongoing issue. She was a heroin addict for 5 years before turning to alcohol. She is 37 and has been addicted since she was 18, so has spent her entire adult life an addict. The only time she cut drinking out was when she was pregnant with my stepdaughter, because my husband would not allow her to drink, but she would smoke cannabis in very large amounts instead. As soon as their daughter was born, she returned to drinking and would lie in bed most days until 3, then get up and start drinking again. He did everything for the baby. He left several times, but always went back because he was so worried about his child. Finally he left in 2002 when his daughter was 3 and his biggest regret was that he didn't take her with him, but he did hope that having to care for her might sober her up. It didn't, and we fought through the Courts for many years to get contact and custody. There was involvement with Social Services, but they were useless because every time they went round she would deny being an alcoholic and they believed her! My SD was very protective of her mum when she was younger, and was effectively her carer, but when she was 12 she just couldn't cope anymore and came to live with us, and we got permanent residence just 2 months later. My SD also has an 8 year old half sibling, and he was removed by Social Services in November 2011 because mum's drinking got even worse. He now lives with his father, but he's an alcoholic too, but is more capable of caring for the boy than she is. It's a right old mess!!

From January 2011 she started to yellow, and then over about an eighteen month period went from being quite puffed up to very very skinny, and I knew that she had liver disease. She was diagnosed in October last year and told if she didn't quit drinking she would die in a year. Obviously she didn't quit, and we're where we are now.

Sasha4

I think we replied at the same time.

I am happy she has you. I have no other advice, other than thank heaven you are in her life.

xxxx

NikNox

Thank you. I love her like my own and would do anything for her, but somehow I don't think that's going to be enough in the coming days/weeks/months. I'm just glad that we got professional help when we did, because she's gonna need it!

Seren

Hi NikNox, I'm sorry to hear about your stepdaughter's pain and her mother's continuing decline. I wish there were some magic way to make this all better. I have no wonderful words of wisdom...just sending hugs of support and prayers for you and your husband, your precious stepdaughter, and her mother.

wiscsober

My very best to you ... in working with many alkies and addicts (non-professionally) I have seen many people in similar stages of chronic illness. There is always hope, but the sad reality is many passed away to severe complications of the illness.

A very drunken friend called me the other day to report a former neighbor was taken to the hospital because he fell. My friend insisted that I visit the man and call him. I refused.

I have done my best to show them how I have recovered, and it has been over many years. I finally have let go. I am available if they would call me when sober, but after many years I've just let go. I haven't given up hope, but I know there are many other people who can help them much more: mainly doctors and nurses, specialists, counselors, dieticians, other family, or even other recovery people.

Well, D. is now in the hospital because of a broken leg (but really it is because of the disease that is ravaging his body).

Both B. and D. know what they have to do. For some people addiction continues unabated to death.

Everyone can recover no matter what even if it is for a few days.

My best to you and family. You helped me today. Thank you.

NikNox

Thank you. It is a battle for all concerned isn't it? A devastating illness that is dark and sinister, and so horrible. We have just heard from her friend who said that she tried to drink last night at her alcoholic neighbours but she felt sick. He has been at work all day and just popped in to her as she wanted him to buy her some shopping (he has his uses to her but she treats him like dirt) and she told him about attempting to drink last night and promised him she hasn't drank today, so he's all like 'don't worry, everything's okay, it made her feel sick so she's not going to drink anymore'. I just told him not to be so naive and that she is an accomplished liar. Just because it made her feel sick (even if that's true) then that won't stop her for long. She lives next door to an alcoholic who is also her best friend and there's a pub opposite. Hmm, not good.

Sasha4

I have a friend who is an emergency foster mum.
She takes children (mostly babies and toddlers) at really short notice, looks after them, keeps their whereabouts secret and has them until a long term foster or adoption can take place.

She is very discreet, she never really says very much about why they are there, but sometimes I cannot believe that parents are not willing to recover, not change their behaviour or choose their drug of choice (drugs, alcohol, violent men) over their child.

I also imagine how comforting it must be for the child to arrive somewhere warm, safe and in loving hands. Who knows what horrors they have been through and images they have seen.
It must be so nice to be not hungry, scared or lonely.

Thank goodness people like you and her exist.......xx

NikNox

Sasha, thank you, so much, but I only do what needs to be done. When I met my husband I took this on & even before she came to live with us tried to make the time she spent with us as normal as possible. I have only ever treated her the way I treated my own two sons. It's easy when you love them, & I find it hard to accept that her mum cannot change & will probably die fairly soon. It's sad, but we can't change it.

NikNox

Well folks, we've all had a long chat about things. You see, when SD's mum was told last October she could only have a year to live if she didn't stop drinking, because we knew she wouldn't stop we decided to allow her into our lives and our home to try and encourage as much contact as possible for SD. Prior to that, SD hadn't wanted to see her and had only seen her very sporadically (mainly due to mum continually letting her down, lying to her and regularly not turning up when she promised she would). We told SD at the time that if her mother died she would regret not spending time with her and that we felt that she should see her. However, we placed conditions on the contact, insisting that contact only took place whilst we were present, simply because when contact had taken place with only the two of them, mum would feed SD with all kinds of crap, empty promises etc., and it was resulting in SD being fiercely angry and upset pretty much most of the time. We told mum that it had to stop, and the only way we could guarantee it would stop was if we were there. To begin with mum was not willing to engage in contact with us there, but we stuck to our guns and she relented. She first came to our home to see SD just before Christmas, and it was the first time that my husband and I really, I mean 'really' noticed how sick she was (we knew before, but it drives it home when you see it with your own eyes).

Contact went okay, we tried to get on with her, purely for SD's sake, and of course she didn't stay long because she couldn't drink in our home (one of our rules). SD was, and has remained, very cold towards her, pushing her away when she tried to hug her and barely taking any notice. We invited mum to a Parent's Evening in the November, trying to involve her in SD's school life, secretly hoping that she wouldn't turn up - but she did! It was awful, so embarassing. She wasn't outwardly drunk, but her speech was slurred, she couldn't walk properly and she looked very ill indeed. Poor SD was mortified. It was around this time that SD started self-harming, but we didn't find out she was self-harming until February this year. Looking back, the self harm started when we invited mum into our lives. We thought we were doing the 'right' thing. I now think that we were not, and were in fact making things worse for SD by practically forcing her to see her mum.

So, we have come to a decision, the three of us, that we want no more to do with her, her 'friend', or her drunken alcoholic neighbour. Seeing mum on Friday night looking so very very sick has distressed SD so much, and she doesn't need to see her mum looking like that. If mum dies in the near future, so be it, we can't help that or help her. If, on the other hand, by some miracle mum sobers up, then we can think about reinstating contact when/if she looks healthier, doesn't shake or slur her speech, can walk properly and not be an embarassment to her child.

This was a difficult decision because as human beings with morals (and that includes SD), it seems cruel to deny contact. If a child has a parent dying of a terminal illness that is beyond their control (ie cancer), then that's different. SD's mum has inflicted this upon herself, and every time we've observed SD with her mum it's clear she doesn't want to be with her, and clear that she doesn't really care about her mum.

It is so difficult to know what to do. You think you're doing the right thing but it turns out to be the wrong thing. We shall see I suppose, but certainly for the time being we think that seeing her mother in such an appalling state will damage this child even more.

Sasha4

Nik, you have to do whats right and if this seems right and SD is happy, then that is the right thing to do. Cruel on her mum or not.

I think you have given the mother enough chances.
You have probably done more for the mother than other people would.

She does not seem to have wanted to change when her daughter has visited, so getting on with your lives and ignoring her drama's is the best option.

Its the mothers own choice and freewill to act in this way.
No one is forcing the booze down her neck.

Its your choice and your SD's how you get on with your lives.
And to me you sound like you are doing good.

A

Anaya

I'm so sorry for your stepdaughter. So young and vulnerable, trying to sort through and deal with the reality of what is happening with her ill parent; it must be overwhelming.

I think it good that you supported her decision to go no contact. Hugs.