Talk To Lawyer on Monday
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Talk To Lawyer on Monday
I called my employer's EAP service last week, and have a free, 30-minute consultation with a lawyer on Monday.
I've been documenting, etc., my AW's behaviour for quite some time, but I'm not sure what I 'should' be doing and what things I should be watching for in the event (most likely event) that her alcoholism progresses and my boy and I need to leave or kick her out, or whatever I need to do to keep him from a deteriorating situation.
This should help give me more clarity and a more-defined path toward the future.
I've been documenting, etc., my AW's behaviour for quite some time, but I'm not sure what I 'should' be doing and what things I should be watching for in the event (most likely event) that her alcoholism progresses and my boy and I need to leave or kick her out, or whatever I need to do to keep him from a deteriorating situation.
This should help give me more clarity and a more-defined path toward the future.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
COD,
You are taking a big step! I know you've been anticipating this for a long time. It sounds to me like the documenting that you have been doing will be very helpful. Your little one is lucky to have you as a Daddy.
Here's my two cents, coming from someone in the middle of the process who has no tangible proof of my STBAXH's alcoholism:
When you meet with the lawyer, I would get right to the heart of it and seek his/her thoughts with regard to presenting her as a less-than-ideal parent who should not be trusted with the child. Proof of her alcoholism will be key. In the absense of tangible proof, I would ask about the potential of employing a guardian ad-litem (a neutral observer who reports to the court on behalf of your child) or seeking a court-ordered substance abuse evaluation in order to show her condition.
Keep us posted!
Hugs,
MamaKit
You are taking a big step! I know you've been anticipating this for a long time. It sounds to me like the documenting that you have been doing will be very helpful. Your little one is lucky to have you as a Daddy.
Here's my two cents, coming from someone in the middle of the process who has no tangible proof of my STBAXH's alcoholism:
When you meet with the lawyer, I would get right to the heart of it and seek his/her thoughts with regard to presenting her as a less-than-ideal parent who should not be trusted with the child. Proof of her alcoholism will be key. In the absense of tangible proof, I would ask about the potential of employing a guardian ad-litem (a neutral observer who reports to the court on behalf of your child) or seeking a court-ordered substance abuse evaluation in order to show her condition.
Keep us posted!
Hugs,
MamaKit
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Think of it as a fact finding mission and not a death sentence for your dreams. It's the right thing to do, domestic law education and damage control is a good plan. Doing nothing and hoping for the best is not a good plan.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I am thinking of you.
It takes courage to do what you are doing.
Once I consult an expert in a matter, I feel much better. Not knowing the options available stresses me out.
HUGS, let us know how it went.
It takes courage to do what you are doing.
Once I consult an expert in a matter, I feel much better. Not knowing the options available stresses me out.
HUGS, let us know how it went.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
COD...
This is a very big and very important step. You're doing the right thing. Your son is lucky to have a healthy, logical, forward-thinking dad. You don't have to make any decisions but hopefully you'll come away with some information that will be helpful to you when/if the time comes. There's just no getting around the fact that this is a progressive disease. Best to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
Let us know how it goes, will ya?
This is a very big and very important step. You're doing the right thing. Your son is lucky to have a healthy, logical, forward-thinking dad. You don't have to make any decisions but hopefully you'll come away with some information that will be helpful to you when/if the time comes. There's just no getting around the fact that this is a progressive disease. Best to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
Let us know how it goes, will ya?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Thanks, everyone!
Yes, this is indeed a fact-finding mission at this point. No decisions need to be made today, or even next week. But I do well with 'lists' and a 'game plan', so this will help me.
"Nothing changes if nothing changes." I'm making a change in 'doing nothing', and getting some real-world facts. Since I made the appt., I've actually felt a bit relieved because I don't have to make decisions or second-guess. I will (hopefully) be given options and a plan. With those in hand, I'll be golden.
Will update after the appointment.
Yes, this is indeed a fact-finding mission at this point. No decisions need to be made today, or even next week. But I do well with 'lists' and a 'game plan', so this will help me.
"Nothing changes if nothing changes." I'm making a change in 'doing nothing', and getting some real-world facts. Since I made the appt., I've actually felt a bit relieved because I don't have to make decisions or second-guess. I will (hopefully) be given options and a plan. With those in hand, I'll be golden.
Will update after the appointment.
My emotional baggage
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
Way to go Dad, this is a huge step!!!!!
Making that appt was the hardest step for me in figuring out how to make my life enjoyable again for me and my kids. You have been living with unknowns and I am sure you will be surprised by some the answers you will come away with. Courts really want to keep kids safe.
Make sure you bring a notebook to take notes. Write up questions to have ready for the attorney. Use this free appointment wisely and ask about the issues that are concerning you the most, you can get a lot answered in 1/2 hour.
Good luck and my thoughts will be with you!
4MyBoys
Making that appt was the hardest step for me in figuring out how to make my life enjoyable again for me and my kids. You have been living with unknowns and I am sure you will be surprised by some the answers you will come away with. Courts really want to keep kids safe.
Make sure you bring a notebook to take notes. Write up questions to have ready for the attorney. Use this free appointment wisely and ask about the issues that are concerning you the most, you can get a lot answered in 1/2 hour.
Good luck and my thoughts will be with you!
4MyBoys
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Very smart. Worrying about all the what-ifs can be dizzying, and getting some concrete info will make you feel more confident about the future. Best to keep in mind, too, that if you do wind up divorcing, you will still be dealing with her for the next 20 years or so around issues involving your son, so figuring out ways that will reduce the stress involved in that, to the extent possible, can be critical.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
COD,
I am sending you support and encouragement as you get answers to your questions.
I will also share my experience with my EAP consultation. I contacted the EAP attorney via telephone. I had one free hour, according to our plan. The attorney was answering from his office in our state capital. I was living in a smaller community 4 hours away.
I do not think the consultation went well. I ended the conversation after about 40 minutes when I was crying and could no longer speak. At the time I was devastated. That attorney left me feeling helpless. He summed it up as "You should just learn to live with it or walk away with nothing because you did not have the financial resources needed to fight for what you feel are your rights". (I was financially dependent on my alcoholic as I had been a SAHM for 12 years).
In hind sight, I feel he was speaking to me as someone who was in it for the money. He was getting paid by my employer to fill a gap, and he held no real interest in my situation. He had no financial interest in helping me out of my situation since I would not be hiring him. I was talking to a lawyer who lived his life by the billable hour, and I wasn't future income.
After I recovered from that phone call, I was determined not to let that one opinion determine my future. I asked a client who had recently divorced about her experience with a local attorney. She had good things to say about her attorney, so I set up an appointment with him.
There was a difference of night and day between these attorneys! It did help that I was able to bring physical documents of our finances, our tax returns, our credit card debt statements, etc to the local consultation.
Please remember that the EAP attorney may be giving advice based upon the outcomes in their local court system. My local attorney was able to give me advice based on rulings he saw coming from the community judges. He was able to sway me away from petitions that would likely end up causing delays and extra finances based on the opinions of our community judges.
I am sending you support and encouragement as you get answers to your questions.
I will also share my experience with my EAP consultation. I contacted the EAP attorney via telephone. I had one free hour, according to our plan. The attorney was answering from his office in our state capital. I was living in a smaller community 4 hours away.
I do not think the consultation went well. I ended the conversation after about 40 minutes when I was crying and could no longer speak. At the time I was devastated. That attorney left me feeling helpless. He summed it up as "You should just learn to live with it or walk away with nothing because you did not have the financial resources needed to fight for what you feel are your rights". (I was financially dependent on my alcoholic as I had been a SAHM for 12 years).
In hind sight, I feel he was speaking to me as someone who was in it for the money. He was getting paid by my employer to fill a gap, and he held no real interest in my situation. He had no financial interest in helping me out of my situation since I would not be hiring him. I was talking to a lawyer who lived his life by the billable hour, and I wasn't future income.
After I recovered from that phone call, I was determined not to let that one opinion determine my future. I asked a client who had recently divorced about her experience with a local attorney. She had good things to say about her attorney, so I set up an appointment with him.
There was a difference of night and day between these attorneys! It did help that I was able to bring physical documents of our finances, our tax returns, our credit card debt statements, etc to the local consultation.
Please remember that the EAP attorney may be giving advice based upon the outcomes in their local court system. My local attorney was able to give me advice based on rulings he saw coming from the community judges. He was able to sway me away from petitions that would likely end up causing delays and extra finances based on the opinions of our community judges.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Better than where I was
Posts: 267
For me meeting with my attorney for the first time was a very important step, let me know where I stood & what I might be in for. It was a step, one of many. What I wasn't prepared for was the insanity that came out of my AW when I told her I met with a lawyer. Watch your finances and separate them as SOON as you can. Trust me! I felt a lot better after that first meeting. It helped me figure out which direction to go, one of many things that helped me, but a big one! Good luck COD!
OhBoy
OhBoy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 95
Meeting for a consultation is a great idea. I did that about 2 months ago after the threats of divorce/separation increased. It gave me piece of mind. My suggestion is to list out all the possible questions so you make sure you get the most out of your meeting. I also felt better because since I met with her my RAH would not be able to retain her as his attorney. I'm not sure if the laws vary from state to state, but my attorney (I just retained her yesterday since I was served with papers for separation) told me that even if I had called the office and asked a question or two then that would have been enough to prevent him from retaining her.
It gave me piece of mind because I knew I really wanted this person as my attorney - she's great from what I hear.
Good luck and I you find some peace after your meeting on Monday - I'll be thinking of you and sending prayers.
It gave me piece of mind because I knew I really wanted this person as my attorney - she's great from what I hear.
Good luck and I you find some peace after your meeting on Monday - I'll be thinking of you and sending prayers.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
what a very brave step -
I made my first attorney appt almost a year before I left - It gave me such peace - because I knew what I needed to do - I took my time - slowly but surely - I prepared myself the best I could mentally, emotionally, spiritually and I tried financially -
In the end, the financially didn't work out so well - but I had such a peace in the other areas - it didn't matter -
great job and doing what is best - Miracles still can happen - I have seen them in other couples - my story went one way - there is always hope yours can go another -
wishing you and your family the very very best!
pink hugs!
I made my first attorney appt almost a year before I left - It gave me such peace - because I knew what I needed to do - I took my time - slowly but surely - I prepared myself the best I could mentally, emotionally, spiritually and I tried financially -
In the end, the financially didn't work out so well - but I had such a peace in the other areas - it didn't matter -
great job and doing what is best - Miracles still can happen - I have seen them in other couples - my story went one way - there is always hope yours can go another -
wishing you and your family the very very best!
pink hugs!
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