2bunz1oven

Hi everyone,

i'm new to this and looking for advice/words of wisdom. Im two years married to a man I love, and expecting his two daughters who are due in August, our first children, however, my husband is a functioning alcoholic. He works graveyard and sleeps all day. We only get 1 day a week together when he's not working or sleeping, and he spends it drunk. Almost every single weekend. I recently got out of the military, and ever since my last deployment which ended in July of 2012, he has been a different person. Its like when I came back from overseas he was someone else. Ever since then his drinking has gone to a whole new level, and nothing I say or do slows him down or makes him quit. He hides his cheap vodka bottles in various places and drinks in secret, and then denies he's been drinking, even when he's falling over and literally peeing himself and busting his face on things when he falls. It's so hard to watch him continue on like this week after week. And the hardest part is, we're about to have two babies. I love him, and I do not regret getting pregnant because Ive wanted to be a mom for so long, and honestly thought I couldnt even get pregnant due to health problems, but GOD gave us two miracle babies, and I couldn't be happier about that. I just don't want to end up raising them alone. My husband has never hit me, but he is becoming more and more mean and violent when he's drunk. Calling me names, telling me he thinks the kids aren't his, (which is absolutely not true, they are 100% his) and "jokingly" says he regrets getting me pregnant, and calls me crazy all the time. He's thrown things at me, and for the first time ever, he grabbed me by the hair last weekend when he was at an all time low. Sometimes I think he has the drinking problem in order to cope with his past. He had a rough childhood, his father was abusive and was also a heavy drinking, and his mom was married 3 times, and dated several men in between. My husband tried to commit suicide twice before i knew him, and he also went to rehab for opiates about 6 years ago. Then he joined the Navy which is where we met, and he was discharged in 2011 for using drugs again. I must be an idiot for marrying him. Now that ive typed all this out and am reading it back to myself I see how dumb I was for expecting him to change. I could go on and on about the reasons i'm unhappy with him, and how badly I want him to change, if not for me, then for our daughters. But, he doesn't seem to want to. And he's failed at sobriety so many times before, I guess I feel helpless. I dont want to leave him because I really do love him, and I know how great he can be when he is sober. The whole time we've known eachother before we were married and durring he has had stretches of sobriety, and when he does that, he's amazing...but he always goes back to alcohol, and this time he doesnt seem to want to stop at all anymore. Im afraid divorce may be the only option to keep me and my daughters safe. Sorry that this post is so long, i'm just so confused, tired, worried and ashamed...need help! Anyone got any advice? Thanks in advance.

BoxinRotz

Sounds just like my AH! Hiding vodka bottles! Denying empty ones! I'm not drunk! You are crazy! BLAH BLAH BLAH!

The only difference is.......... I don't have kids with him! I have dogs though but no kids with him. And let me tell you, those dogs are suffering his RATH when he puts us through his alcohell!

You see, he won't quit for you and he won't quit for those babies so just stop thinking those wee ones are his ticket to freedom! He has to want it himself! I can tell you my husband told me he'd quit for me on both yours and my fingers and toes! It doesn't work that way. He has to want to stop!

As far as he doesn't abuse me and you saying he's thrown things at you and pulled your hair, he's abused you. And so has mine. His alcoholism is progressing and that can be very dangerous, especially for a pregnant woman as yourself. I have watched this program and I've lived through pretty horrific crap in the last 3 weeks by a man who said he'd never hurt me. Well ya know what?! He did and now it's to the point where I can't be around him when he drinks and I have to find safety, not only for myself but my dogs too!

Do your really want to bring 2 babies up in this ********? Him telling you they aren't his! Him drinking everyday! Yelling, screaming, throwing things? Falling with one or both of them?! Turning them into an emotional wreck?!!! My dogs are an emotional wreck because of AH and they are dogs!!!

Hey, I can tell you all about my Mr Wonderful! I married him Girl! And he's been a ******* on a vodka binge and it's no kind of life!

thislonelygirl

i agree. hair pulling throwing things these are all abusive behavior and one day...i cant say when no one can but one day hell cross a line even worse than hair pulling. eventually it will lead to something else and your children will not be a good enough reason to get sober. i thought once our daughter was born that his promises that when she was born he would quit would do it but it didnt....it was followed by another when this happens ill quit and then another. so far sobreity has lasted a mere feet compared to the miles in our relationship. hell not only scare you hell scare your children.
birthdays and christmas....they wont be about your kids and enjoying them..itll be about him getting drunk making a fool out of himself and tarnishing the beloved memories your trying to make. my daughters first birthday-ruined. first christmas-ruined halloween-ruined
i can go on, then your basically caring for another child or your a single parent because hes too drunk to help take the load off you.
my advice is to make steps necessary to you and your children. have boundaries and set them and try an alanon. they may help

FeelingGreat

2bunz, firstly, congratulations on your buns. Despite your terrible situation, it must seem like a miracle after thinking you couldn't have children.
I agree with the other posters, you have already been abused, and your husband seems to be losing control and escalating into violence.
You won't be able to get him to stop by wanting or asking. It has to come from him, and he's not showing any signs of getting there.
Make plans for yourself. Seek help from wherever you can find it, family, friends agencies. See a lawyer and find out your rights. And keep posting on SR; there are many people who have more experience than me and have a lot of wisdom to impart.

2bunz1oven

Thank you both for responses. You have given me more to think about. And you're right, hair pulling and throwing stuff is NOT okay and I know that eventually it will probably get worse. It just seems so awful to picture myself a single mother and I hate to have our kids grow up with out a dad. He's originally from Georgia, and the only reason he's here in Oregon is because my family is here, and I wanted to move home. But he's not happy here. To be honest I don't think he'd be happy anywhere. Anyway, he said if I leave him he'll just go back to GA. Which means he won't see our kids. It kills me how easily he's walking away from them. I guess it's time for me to take that step though. Before he hurts me, or my kids. Thanks again. I really appreciate it.

micealc

OMG its so sad to think of what Joy and Happiness he is Missing now,you been pregnant and He with you is going to miss in the future.....All because of the demon disease of Alcoholism....As stated already....You come first now,Get to an Alanon Meeting,or talk to someone you trust.

Im an Alcoholic....Thank God I found AA, and was with my wife through all her Pregnancies....You have got to learn how to detach from him,not let his life style affect you,even though you love him....I think you feel sorry for him now rather than love him and that will keep him drinking.Detach with with love ,its your only way .


My wife left with our baby and done her own thing, left me in bed after one of my Binges.....I could not believe she would do such a thing.....Best thing that ever happened to me...I woke up...Knew I needed help....Ive attended AA Meetings over 30 years....also Attened ACA....Good Luck...A little Prayer going your Way.

LeSigh

Hey 2bunz, so sorry that this situation is stealing your focus and causing you pain, this time should be all about your health, serenity and the well being of your two babies.

I agree with the other posters, and just want to say if he does move away, that is HIS choice, not your responsibility at all. That transaction/threat feels like a manipulation to keep you from taking a step away.

Sending you strength and hugs. I left my AH after 14 months of marriage, but I realised he did not want change for himself he only said things to appease me and I was disappointed every time.

Tough decisions ahead, but as has been said on here many times, nothing changes if nothing changes. What is in your power to change? Nothing in his choices to drink or no drink, only how near or far you hold him to yourself and your coming family.. If its burning, step back from the fire.

You can do this, and most likely do it better with less involvement from a drunk and abusive man.

Do your family know the difficulties you face? The road to healing for me came when I started to talk to my close friends and family, and it flooded out of me with such relief. I began to be able to sift through the wreckage and find the route forwards.

I asked AH to move out for a month to get space to find some peace and figure out what was the best to happen - he has never returned and that was 4 months ago. Perhaps you could suggest a similar trial, and chances are you'll know that you're moving in the direction that brings peace and calm to your life and to your future children..

Love to you and your bump,

LeSigh x

SoloMio

2bunz1oven, unless he stops drinking and takes sobriety seriously, you will be raising your babies alone.

I had two children two years apart, then two "Irish twins" and for sure for a lot of it I was a "single parent" although married to AH. It would have been a heck of a lot easier if I was a real single parent. There were many things I'm ashamed to say I allowed in the house because I was intimidated and emotionally hooked in to a sick situation. Only by the grace of God have my kids grown into the wonderful children they are. And I don't discount the fact that as wonderful as they are they carry scars from being children of an alcoholic and a codependent.

I know exactly how you are feeling, and how much you want to raise your wonderful children in a healthy home and not give up dreams of Mom + Dad plus twins, but think very carefully about your life and understand that expecting life to be different later than it is now is magical thinking unless HE chooses to change, I'm so sorry to say.

Please do come here and try to get some support from Al-Anon meetings if you can--I wish you and your "buns in the oven" well.

wicked

Hello 2bunz.

First, congratulations on your miracle babies!
Second, thank you for your service!

I am a veteran too. Also a recovering alcoholic and mother.
You are doing your marriage alone, so I think you know that you will be raising your children alone.
This is a good thing for your babies, because you can do it. And, believe me when I say that it is much easier to deal with children when you do not have a falling down drunk to worry about (I have been there).
Stay near to your family, and let him go back to Georgia to his family.

This is true. He is not capable of being a good parent now. You need your peace and serenity to stay healthy and present for your babies. Can you get emotional support from your family? Are you getting medical support from the military?

You are in my thoughts. Take care of yourself and those 2bunz.

Beth

SolTraveler

2Bunz.... I am so sorry. But congrats on the twins! THAT is exciting!

I know a bit of what you are going through. I am also due in August, and it is my ABF's first daughter (my fourth child). Like you, I am also very far from family.

Being a single parent seems scary, and I imagine the prospect of having twins makes it even more scary, but you can do this. Being a single parent is far easier than dealing with an alcoholic's mess, I can tell you that. I divorced my first husband for being addicted to painkillers, and I can tell you it was FAR easier raising our two daughters (then aged 8 and 3) alone than dealing with his constant state of being stoned and unemployed. Much easier.

As for your AH leaving, yes that is very sad. My second husband did that (rebound relationship after the first marriage failed) - left to move back east after we split and has not seen his son since. It makes me very sad for our son, but in the end, it is better because he just doesn't have what it takes to be a father.

I feel like a big idiot for not only getting into another toxic relationship, for for getting pregnant again. Like you, I am thrilled about my pregnancy - I am fortunate enough to have the resources to care for these kids alone if need be, but my poor girl.... having an A for a father.

All I can say is that you have most definitely been abused, and I commend you for having the courage to tell us about it. It is hard to admit and intensely painful. But it sounds like you know what you have to do.

My ABF is still highly functional binge drinking and is not physically abusive/name calling.... yet. But I am no fool. I know he will get there if he doesn't quit. And when he does, I hope I can be as courageous as you.

Good luck, and keep posting. You are not alone!

CeciliaV

2bunz, welcome to SR, and so sorry for what brought you here.

I have to agree with the sentiments of previous posters. I know the prospect of being a single mom and raising your babies on your own is scary, but the prospect of raising them in a home with an increasingly violent alcoholic is even scarier. The babies and you deserve so much more than that. You deserve to be happy and to live without fear.

I think you know what you need to do without anyone here telling you. You and your babies are priority number one.

Congratulations on your two little miracles - sending you lots of strength, hope, and hugs.

LexieCat

Hi, and I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

The fact that he has already physically abused you by pulling your hair means you are eligible for a restraining order. I have worked in the DV field for many years, and I happen to know that Oregon has a very responsive DV network. It doesn't matter that you didn't call the police.

I strongly suggest that you contact your local domestic violence shelter or the DV hotline and speak to a counselor. They can help you get a restraining order (or protection from abuse order, or whatever the local term is), and also help you with safety planning. It's very good that you have family close by. Have you told any of them what is happening? I know it feels embarrassing to have to reveal what is going on in a violent home with a partner who is alcoholic, but the sooner you stop keeping the secret, the less power it has over you.

I also hope you will get involved with Al-Anon. You are likely to be dealing with his alcoholic behavior for years to come, whether you stay together or not.

But safety comes first. I have seen many women horribly abused while they were pregnant--think how you would feel if this escalates and you lost those precious babies.

Hugs, please call a counselor. Oh, and may I add I, too, am grateful for your service to our country!

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I hope you make yourself at home here by reading, posting, and venting as often as needed. We understand! You are not alone.

Some of our stories are printed in the Sticky Posts at the top of this main forum page. The stickies are marked with a padlock symbol in the left column. I am always finding wisdom in those posts. Recently, a member posted about *what abuse is* with an alcoholic. Here is a link to that informative post:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hat-abuse.html

I know from personal experience that Alcoholism is progressive and it gets worse if untreated. Your AH (alcoholic husband) is showing signs of his behavior becoming more extreme as he continues to feed his addiction.

I agree with Lexi, contacting your local DV office is a good plan. Getting in touch with them doesn't mean you have to take action, but it gives you the information to make healthy decisions about your future. You can learn what resources are available in your community. When dealing with an active alcoholic:
Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

Alcohol is a known depressant. It's like pouring gasoline onto a fire when you add alcohol to a mood disorder like depression. He is the only one that holds the key to finding his personal happiness.

I hope you will keep coming back, we care about you!

LexieCat

I just wanted to add the following: a restraining order can require HIM to leave the home (so you can stay there safely) and can also require that he support you, and the babies once they are born--paying utility bills, rent, etc.). The order can also require him to get alcohol treatment and/or to attend a batterers' intervention program. It can put restrictions on his contact with the children--only supervised visitation, etc.

You don't have to file for divorce right away, but getting some space will help keep you and the babies safe, as well as give him room to deal with his alcohol problem, if he decides to do that.

Recovering2

2bunz, congrats on your pregnancy and thank you for your military service. As has already been pointed out, you are involved in an alcoholic relationship which has escalated to domestic violence. DV often escalates during a woman's pregnancy, so please take great care right now.

Have you heard the Serenity Prayer? It may be helpful to you right now:
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

You have no power or control over your AH's addiction. You can't change his situation if he won't. But you CAN change the path you want for yourself and your 2 beautiful babies. Attending AlAnon, talking to someone at a DV hotline or shelter, talking to trusted family, reading the sticky's and posting on here....these will all give you the wisdom to make the right decisions for you.

You are already alone in this marriage. I would offer it's better to raise 2 children with one healthy parent than to expose them to a 2 parent household with addiction and abuse. This is a progressive disease, as you are witnessing first hand. Please stay safe. (((hugs)))

2bunz1oven

Hi everyone and thank you all again for your encouragment. I will answer a couple questions, my family is somewhat aware of the situation. They have all witnessed his drunkeness and I have had to call my dad into the situation a couple of times to help me get out of the house when he was really drunk and wouldn't let me leave. Im afraid to tell my parents that it has escalated into violence because I know my dad, and if he ever found out I was being physically hurt, especially while carrying his grandchildren, I dont think anything would stop him from killing my husband. I guess I also still hold hope that same day my AH will change, and I don't want my family to be unable to forgive him, if they knew everything they'd write him off for sure. And yes, I do feel sorry for him. Sometimes when I see him all balled up and crying, which he usually does after about a pint of vodka before the anger sets in, I feel awful for him. He cries about his family situation, missing home, about old lost friends, and the fact that his grandpa died 10 years ago, he even cries about his childhood dog that ran away and never came back. My AH is almost 30, but in that moment he seems like a sad little boy. Reading all your posts is really helping me though, and seems to give me strength. SO I thank you all again for that. I am going to my parents today, and will tell them what's been going on and hopefully they can help me make a plan. As for al anan I have looked into meetings near by and will be attending tomorrow afternoon. Ill keep everyone posted. Much love and appreciation!

LexieCat

Alcoholics make their own misery. You don't need to pity him. You can feel compassion without allowing yourself to get sucked into his own self-pity.

You also need to understand that physical abuse is not caused by alcoholism. Alcohol may lower the inhibitions, but non-abusive men do not become abusive because they drink. Abuse comes from an attitude of entitlement--that he has the right to control you, and that he can resort to violence if you do not behave as he wants you to. Just keep that in mind. IF he ever decides to get sober (and you have indicated he currently is showing no signs of wanting to stop), he is going to have to deal with the abuse issue if you are to feel safe.

The fact that he is claiming the babies are not his is telling. Whatever else you do, please do contact the DV hotline and talk to a counselor. You don't have to do anything you aren't ready to do, but you should at least get enough information so you can make good choices to stay safe.

SoloMio

It's hard to pick apart what are real wounds and what is the vodka talking, but in my case, AH's crying and his vodka consumption are very closely correlated. I have tried to remain compassionate with regard to his demons, but most of the time I write off all his many reasons for crying when he's drunk as a reaction of the alcohol in his brain. When he's sober and crying, then I listen.

I'm glad you are taking steps to take care of yourself!

BoxinRotz

My 55 year old AH cries too when he drinks his vodka. He goes between 2 emotions. Sadness and Anger and tries to figure out which one gets him more attention.

It is sad to see grown ass men turn into babies and the truth is, they do it to themselves with this drink of theirs. I don't know how many times I've just had enough of it and told AH, Grow the eff up already! I've had a rough life. I could tell you things that have happened to me that would make you wonder why I'm even alive. I've had to forgive the unforgivable and although that took me a lot of time, anger and sadness to work through, I didn't cover it up with drugs or alcohol. I didn't even seek counseling which I probably should have. My point is, life is hard and it's what we make it! I tend to try and make it the best life possible and my AH? He can't let crap go. He'll hold on to something until it festers the hell out of him and then what? We're all a miserable family and I somehow failed him because he said so.

Okay Honey... whatever you say!

It's mind boggling! :crazy

In the end, you have to take care of you! Then once your lil bundles get here, you take care of them and YOU! They have nothing unless YOU provide for them! And like others have said, even if you stayed with him, you are still raising them on your own. Sad, I know but it's the truth. I can't tell you how many days and nights I sat in our home with AH drunk n felt completely alone. The house wouldn't clean itself, the dishes wouldn't wash themselves, the dogs wouldn't eat... It happened because I had to do it. I even had to tear the plumbing out from under the tub because he was too busy getting drunk and I needed a shower n it was full of scuzzy water!

thislonelygirl

wow ! let it out boxinrotz! lol
adding to that....i guess they are all the same. my ah does the same thing when he drinks, he cries and harps on the same thing over and over.
his life was just "soooooooo baddd" with a bit of pour me some whiskey over the poor me attitude. yes, like the song.
lol if i didnt listen or just feel oh so sad , it was the end of the world and if i told him a story in comparison to his .....his is always worse and i have no idea what sadness or anger or pain is. im just emotionally ignorant lol