Dont know where to start...again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 2
Dont know where to start...again.
Hello, I am new to the site, and don't really understand the lingo, or know exactly where to post.
I, am 22, and my fiancé is 28. I come from a very stable background. Both Mom and Dad danced on the line of alcoholism, but I was never exposed to negative effects growing up. However, fiancé comes from a long line of substance abusers. His mother, father, and sister all battle with significant substance abuse.
Fiance also has a background involving drugs and alcohol. He has been drinking, daily, since 16. Got in trouble with the law at 19 (five years probation) and again in 2010 (over a year in jail) both instances happening before he met me. He has two children, 7, and 4. Their mother also battled with substance abuse and is now on methadone.
Last November, fiance and I got into an argument. He was very intoxicated, and also on an upper called NRG, which was legal, but very similar to bath salts. He went crazy, and ended up getting arrested for busting up my apartment.
He was incarcerated until December, and he has been out on bond ever since. He was court ordered to have an IN-Hom device, which is like a breathalyzer for the home. He is supposed to take three tests a day. I hired a good attorney for him, and he suggested he go to AA. Fiance went twice, then began working 2nd shift and doesn't make time for it anymore.
I'm writing because I am worried I am an enabler. He has only drank a handful of times since December, and I know he's a recovering addict, but I feel as though he is only doing it to look good in court (May 6) he has asked me more than once if he can drink. I say no, he gets hateful, and sometimes I give in. It makes me sick. When we argue, or if I hang out with my friends, he tells me he is going to drink.
I am also prescribed phentermine for weight loss. He has recently been begging me to give him some. I did once (bc I feel like I'm the enemy if I don't) but he keeps asking. Over and over. Even after I say no. He is on probation, and can have a random drug screen anytime. I don't know if he gets it.
What do I do? I can't keep picking up the pieces for him every time he falls off the wagon.
I, am 22, and my fiancé is 28. I come from a very stable background. Both Mom and Dad danced on the line of alcoholism, but I was never exposed to negative effects growing up. However, fiancé comes from a long line of substance abusers. His mother, father, and sister all battle with significant substance abuse.
Fiance also has a background involving drugs and alcohol. He has been drinking, daily, since 16. Got in trouble with the law at 19 (five years probation) and again in 2010 (over a year in jail) both instances happening before he met me. He has two children, 7, and 4. Their mother also battled with substance abuse and is now on methadone.
Last November, fiance and I got into an argument. He was very intoxicated, and also on an upper called NRG, which was legal, but very similar to bath salts. He went crazy, and ended up getting arrested for busting up my apartment.
He was incarcerated until December, and he has been out on bond ever since. He was court ordered to have an IN-Hom device, which is like a breathalyzer for the home. He is supposed to take three tests a day. I hired a good attorney for him, and he suggested he go to AA. Fiance went twice, then began working 2nd shift and doesn't make time for it anymore.
I'm writing because I am worried I am an enabler. He has only drank a handful of times since December, and I know he's a recovering addict, but I feel as though he is only doing it to look good in court (May 6) he has asked me more than once if he can drink. I say no, he gets hateful, and sometimes I give in. It makes me sick. When we argue, or if I hang out with my friends, he tells me he is going to drink.
I am also prescribed phentermine for weight loss. He has recently been begging me to give him some. I did once (bc I feel like I'm the enemy if I don't) but he keeps asking. Over and over. Even after I say no. He is on probation, and can have a random drug screen anytime. I don't know if he gets it.
What do I do? I can't keep picking up the pieces for him every time he falls off the wagon.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Hi and welcome. Here's a good place to get started:
Are you an Enabler? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...u-enabler.html
And another one:
The RollerCoaster Relationship With An Alcoholic/Addict:When Do You Get Off the Ride?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-off-rid.html
Are you an Enabler? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...u-enabler.html
And another one:
The RollerCoaster Relationship With An Alcoholic/Addict:When Do You Get Off the Ride?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-off-rid.html
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Gosh, I don't even know you but I'd say you're enabling him. The main reason I say it is because he is not sober, and addicts don't typically have relationships with people who don't enable them.
I commend you for looking at all of this now, before you get married. Please keep reading and sharing... And use birth control!!!!
I commend you for looking at all of this now, before you get married. Please keep reading and sharing... And use birth control!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
He has only drank a handful of times since December
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
By putting YOU in control of whether he is "allowed" to drink, and by asking YOU for the pills, he is putting you in the position of being an enabler.
See how it works? "You gave it to me, it's your fault." I know he throws a fit if you refuse, but how about just taking yourself out of the dance?
You can say NO to giving him any of your pills, but whatever he gets on his own is his business.
You also hired a lawyer to get him out of the jam he got himself into, too. That's a form of enabling.
To stop enabling, you simply remove yourself from involvement in his drinking/drugging and allow him to experience the full consequences of his OWN decisions. He gets in trouble, he deals with getting a lawyer. He wants to drink--fine, you don't stand in his way but it's on him. You aren't the one deciding.
I hope you aren't planning the wedding yet. If you are, I suggest you put things on hold for the foreseeable future. Marriage to this guy would be a VERY bumpy ride. It doesn't appear he has the slightest interest in recovery, and it could be months, years, or forever before he is ready.
Oh, and get to Al-Anon. It will help YOU a whole lot.
See how it works? "You gave it to me, it's your fault." I know he throws a fit if you refuse, but how about just taking yourself out of the dance?
You can say NO to giving him any of your pills, but whatever he gets on his own is his business.
You also hired a lawyer to get him out of the jam he got himself into, too. That's a form of enabling.
To stop enabling, you simply remove yourself from involvement in his drinking/drugging and allow him to experience the full consequences of his OWN decisions. He gets in trouble, he deals with getting a lawyer. He wants to drink--fine, you don't stand in his way but it's on him. You aren't the one deciding.
I hope you aren't planning the wedding yet. If you are, I suggest you put things on hold for the foreseeable future. Marriage to this guy would be a VERY bumpy ride. It doesn't appear he has the slightest interest in recovery, and it could be months, years, or forever before he is ready.
Oh, and get to Al-Anon. It will help YOU a whole lot.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
First thing many of us learn is the 3 C's. You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. It is not up to you to give him permission to drink. He knows he isn't supposed to, so he makes his own decision. Don't allow him to put that on you. You have a prescription medication that is for you, it is not his to ask for, and it is okay to say no. Let him go get his own medication if that's what he wants.
He can not blame you for his decision to drink. He's not drinking because you spend time with friends. He's drinking because he's an alcoholic. But the A will always deflect the blame onto the other person or persons in their life if they can.
Yes, you are enabling. Getting him a lawyer, giving him a pill, that's enabling. Is he living in this apartment he busted up? That's enabling too. Let him make his own choices, but let him deal with the consequences on his own. As long as you are enmeshed in it, he will continue to drag you down with him.
I'm not sure why this person is a "fiance", he is not marriage material right now. He is not going to AA (work is an excuse, there are always meetings), he has been violent, he is still drinking and looking for mood altering substances. This is a progressive disease, it will only get worse. This is not the life you want to commit to at such a young age. Please find AlAnon, and go to a few meetings. Learn how to take care of you first.
He can not blame you for his decision to drink. He's not drinking because you spend time with friends. He's drinking because he's an alcoholic. But the A will always deflect the blame onto the other person or persons in their life if they can.
Yes, you are enabling. Getting him a lawyer, giving him a pill, that's enabling. Is he living in this apartment he busted up? That's enabling too. Let him make his own choices, but let him deal with the consequences on his own. As long as you are enmeshed in it, he will continue to drag you down with him.
I'm not sure why this person is a "fiance", he is not marriage material right now. He is not going to AA (work is an excuse, there are always meetings), he has been violent, he is still drinking and looking for mood altering substances. This is a progressive disease, it will only get worse. This is not the life you want to commit to at such a young age. Please find AlAnon, and go to a few meetings. Learn how to take care of you first.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 2
I am so grateful for all the information you all have given me!
I have expressed my concern for all of this in which he replies "I am sober" and the only time he even identified as an alcoholic was when he was in jail.
Whenever I bring it up he says he doesn't want to hear it, or he changes the subject to ANYTHING ELSE.
Actually, after he was arrested, I was evicted from that apartment because of the damage. I moved to another apartment in a different town (as an attempt to disengage his harmful social circle) he tells me he is glad to be out of that environment, but it seems to be all words. I am the breadwinner, and if I decide to throw in the towel, he goes back to his mom's house, loses his job, and loses his transportation to pick up his kids for visitation (they live 2.5 hours away). I absolutely adore his children, and I feel like I'd be giving up on them if I give up on him. I am the first stable parental role they've seen thus far (college graduate, money to buy them things, etc).
I have forgiven him for everything that happened before December. I don't want to discount the progress he's made. He is NOT the same man I met. He is trying. I just don't know where to draw the line between loving and enabling. He is my fiancé because he WAS sober for a while when I agreed to marry him. We haven't set a date, and are taking everything super slowly.
He hasn't drank since he attended his first AA meeting. He was so proud when he came back with his chip. However, Im confused why he puts me in control over his drinking. He gets so angry with me when I say no, yet he doesn't do it anyway. Maybe he's afraid I will stick to my word, even though I never have.
Thank you again SO much for the responses.
I have expressed my concern for all of this in which he replies "I am sober" and the only time he even identified as an alcoholic was when he was in jail.
Whenever I bring it up he says he doesn't want to hear it, or he changes the subject to ANYTHING ELSE.
Actually, after he was arrested, I was evicted from that apartment because of the damage. I moved to another apartment in a different town (as an attempt to disengage his harmful social circle) he tells me he is glad to be out of that environment, but it seems to be all words. I am the breadwinner, and if I decide to throw in the towel, he goes back to his mom's house, loses his job, and loses his transportation to pick up his kids for visitation (they live 2.5 hours away). I absolutely adore his children, and I feel like I'd be giving up on them if I give up on him. I am the first stable parental role they've seen thus far (college graduate, money to buy them things, etc).
I have forgiven him for everything that happened before December. I don't want to discount the progress he's made. He is NOT the same man I met. He is trying. I just don't know where to draw the line between loving and enabling. He is my fiancé because he WAS sober for a while when I agreed to marry him. We haven't set a date, and are taking everything super slowly.
He hasn't drank since he attended his first AA meeting. He was so proud when he came back with his chip. However, Im confused why he puts me in control over his drinking. He gets so angry with me when I say no, yet he doesn't do it anyway. Maybe he's afraid I will stick to my word, even though I never have.
Thank you again SO much for the responses.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 18
Hiya, ss.
That's a hell of a lot of his responsibilities that he's laid at your feet!
[whispers]you don't have to pick them up[/whispers]
The book Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie really helped me when I was deep in my rescuing period. Actually, I think Language of Letting Go was easier at first - it's daily readings and I could only absorb one message a day at that point.
You're doing everything and he's doing...what? Hanging onto his not drinking status by the skin of his teeth? Is he on-line asking for help with his problems? Or how to stop you picking up after him? Or how to clean up the mess he's created? No? You do surprise me...
Al-anon is well worth checking out. And please be careful with contraception.
That's a hell of a lot of his responsibilities that he's laid at your feet!
[whispers]you don't have to pick them up[/whispers]
The book Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie really helped me when I was deep in my rescuing period. Actually, I think Language of Letting Go was easier at first - it's daily readings and I could only absorb one message a day at that point.
You're doing everything and he's doing...what? Hanging onto his not drinking status by the skin of his teeth? Is he on-line asking for help with his problems? Or how to stop you picking up after him? Or how to clean up the mess he's created? No? You do surprise me...
Al-anon is well worth checking out. And please be careful with contraception.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by ssmith393 
I am the breadwinner, and if I decide to throw in the towel, he goes back to his mom's house, loses his job, and loses his transportation to pick up his kids for visitation (they live 2.5 hours away). I absolutely adore his children, and I feel like I'd be giving up on them if I give up on him.
I ask this with a great deal of trepidation based on what I went through with AXH and his now-ex-GF... What's your relationship like with the children's mom? Would she be cool with you offering to babysit for her on occassion? Just throwing it out there as a way to possibly stay connected with the kids.
Worried about whether or not one is enabling.... As I read the original post, I wondered: Would I have paid for the attorney for the person who trashed my apartment and got me evicted? Say, if it was one of my friends? One of AXH's friends? AXH? Now? No! But.... (back when we were together...) If I'm honest with myself, I know that back when I was with AXH and still trying to "help" him (full-blast enabler mode), even though I wouldn't have helped out any one else who did that, I would have scraped together the cash to help him. Any one but him and I would have said, "His actions got me kicked out of my home, why would I bail his back-side out much less pay for his attorney."
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Are you an enabler? Yes.
If I may ask, who is blowing his in-home device the handful of times he drank?
I'm guessing here, but if he is asking you if he can drink...is he really asking if you will blow his device for him?
If not, why do you think he asks you if he can drink since he's an adult?
Does he fear you will throw him out of your home that you alone pay for?
You hold a lot of power here with what's going on, and he knows it.
Your pills are yours, prescribed for a medical reason, to YOU ONLY. That's why it's a prescription and not over the counter. Tell him that, if he asks, geesh!
I'm sorry, but asking you if he can drink, and asking you for pills, I don't think he's anywhere near learning his lesson here, and that's going to affect your life greatly, especially after that court date if he gets off the device.
If I may ask, who is blowing his in-home device the handful of times he drank?
I'm guessing here, but if he is asking you if he can drink...is he really asking if you will blow his device for him?
If not, why do you think he asks you if he can drink since he's an adult?
Does he fear you will throw him out of your home that you alone pay for?
You hold a lot of power here with what's going on, and he knows it.
Your pills are yours, prescribed for a medical reason, to YOU ONLY. That's why it's a prescription and not over the counter. Tell him that, if he asks, geesh!
I'm sorry, but asking you if he can drink, and asking you for pills, I don't think he's anywhere near learning his lesson here, and that's going to affect your life greatly, especially after that court date if he gets off the device.
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