TabulaRasa81

I have been searching around reading and commenting on others threads.....haven't had the energy to put my story out there up till now...mind you I only joined last night a 10pm. Life has been moving in slow motion for me the past 24 hours.

I am a Mom of 2 beautiful boys under 5, who's Father is, and has been addicted and/or using some form of drug since the age of 13 (he's 36 now).
I knew that before we had our first child....and married him anyway...being a co-dependant caretaker and all.
At first I even partied with him.....stupid, but I own up to that and apologized to him for doing that when I knew better.

He lost his job Dec 2012, I suspect because of his drug use, And because he was working as a Residential Superintendant...we lost our home as well.

I had known that he was using again for sometime, but was in deep denial. He also manipulated me whenever I brought it up and made me feel as if I was crazy. My gut told me different and everytime I swallowed those feelings my anxiety, panic attacks and depression got worse. Eventually I had to put myself on Anti-depressants, because my children were suffering from my sudden irrational bouts of anger and lethargy. I was falling apart.
He said he cared......he lied.

A new friend of ours...one we knew only for a short time rescued us(the kids and I) and He came too. I thank God every day for her and her Angel.
He finally admitted to me that he was in trouble after I told him I was already going to nar-anon meetings. He promised to detox by himself and registered for a 21 day inpatient (which I researched and gave him the number for). He couldn't do it....so into detox he went....

To be continued..........have to go to Costco.

laurie6781

Waiting for the rest, so I can offer my ES&H maybe.

Love and hugs,

Sungrl

I guess my only issue so far is that he couldnt make the call. You had to. Do you think that means he is committed to this? Not being a downer, trying to keep you focused. I see a red flag. I can spot those a mile away now thanks to SR.

TabulaRasa81

BCK AGAIN...CANT SLEEP EVEN THOUGH I AM EXHAUSTED.
He called...I had to find the program and suggest he ask for help or info. But his motivation is definitely questionable, He just got caught I feel and had two choices treatment or the street. He responded seemingly very well to the program and when he came home began attending meetings regularly, attending the continuing care program, being open honest sweet kind and helpful.......honeymoon bliss. He came out complaining of a constant pain in his shoulder, from the twin bed or something,(he's tall) and he got a prescription through his GP, who knows his history, for t3's. which we discussed would be an opportunity to manage himself, unless he felt he was taking too many and then I would hang on to them.....They went fast...I had my concerns, however through the second week things seemed to be moving along well.
I still had to take care of most of the routine details of life though...paying bills, managing his unemployment file and sickness benefits, along with our social assistance file....I set up an email account and showed him how to access and file his reports online, but still wound up having to do them myself.
Then things began to slip slowly....on his days to sleep in he would wake up progrssivly later...and later. Promising to pick up our JK son, and then I would have to go because I refused to wake him up anymore. Some days he would engage...some he would just watch tv all day. Then he started making phone calls and deleting the numbers from the call log...since I pay all the bills I just checked the online billing details and found several calls a day to a shady guy I have never met. I talked to him about it and he denied using again.

TabulaRasa81

I don't believe it...how can I he's sneaking and lying again...and that's the worst part of the addiction for me...that and the affect on my boys.
I told him I was confused and wasn't sure how I was going to handle it.
SO he went for a walk........or should I say he sneaked the car keys drove to the bank in and unregistered..uninsured car and withdrew half the money! He came back just as I was dialing the cops to report him....lucky #$@!, and told me he was going to be sleeping in there. He wanted to leave on his own terms, he said...and couldn't live with thinking that at any moment he could mess up again and I would give him the boot. It was a manipulation...and I could see he was wanting me to stop him...but I didn't. And I don't regret it, at all.

Now I am dealing with the guilty, irrational, co dependant thoughts that have kept me where I was up till now, and dealing with it one day at a time.
Even though he is still trying to manipulate me, I can tell he really doesn't get it yet, and I'm not sure he ever will. I guess I'll just have to wait and see!


Thanks for listening.....feel free to ask questions...there are even more twisted nuances that I have yet to divulge!

wicked

yep, manipulation pure and simple.
hang in there, tabula rasa.

You can deal with your codependent thoughts just as you say, because you are aware!

Beth

Hanna

Welcome to SR. Am glad you found the forum. Am exhausted but wanted you to know I read what huge written and offer you support.

Please read the stickies and keep posting. So much good info here. Very sorry for what you are experiencing.

Peace,
Hanna

Bubovski

Some times the slate has to be cleansed, perhaps even permanently.
Buddhists have a saying 'idiot compassion' and while I am not a Buddhist I have done quite a lot of enabling, because I couldn't stand what I was seeing. In enabling others in alcohol,drugs, or whatever we can prevent others from involvement (an ego thing?)and perpetuate a bad situation.
Total non involvement, which can be difficult is at times the sole solution.

RDBplus3

Tabula Rasa,

You don't have to wait and see. You don't have to accept you and your kids being a victim of his addiction. The addiction is controlling him and manipulating you. There is no reasoning with an addiction. Trying to Love and hug a rabid dog only gets you sick, damaged or dead.

My wife gave me an ultimatum. I then made the decision for myself I would prefer to get free from the addiction and have my wife and family. If I had let my addiction stay in control, the choice would have been that my wife and kids would not have a husband and a father.

Force the Ultimatum NOW. Later is a manipulation from the addiction that NEVER happens. If you wait until LATER, you and your kids will not have a husband and father, you will only have an addiction that steals, lies, manipulates, and always pleads LATER. Make the decision to end being a Victim, NOW.

I would like to hear more from you, and I will pray that your husband accepts the ultimatum and decides to be a Husband and a Father. It has NOT been easy for me, but the alternative is a complete DEAD END.