trust your gut?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
trust your gut?
my gut says something isn't right.
not sure exactly what. There have been red flags left and right the past week since he got out.
Im taking some space over the next few days, but didn't call it that. I purposefully "filled up my schedule"
If he is in relapse he is so high functioning that it would make me sick to try and figure it out.
I found myself checking his pockets and cell phone today. NOT COOL.
nothing was there, but not ok on my end.
I wonder... how to fix my thinking. what am I missing...
I pray for God to reveal the truth. Maybe he already has.
Im so glad we live separately and do not have joined finances.
I wonder if he will make it to church on Sunday...
not sure exactly what. There have been red flags left and right the past week since he got out.
Im taking some space over the next few days, but didn't call it that. I purposefully "filled up my schedule"
If he is in relapse he is so high functioning that it would make me sick to try and figure it out.
I found myself checking his pockets and cell phone today. NOT COOL.
nothing was there, but not ok on my end.
I wonder... how to fix my thinking. what am I missing...
I pray for God to reveal the truth. Maybe he already has.
Im so glad we live separately and do not have joined finances.
I wonder if he will make it to church on Sunday...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
Such a not-fun feeling -- that sick in the gut feeling. Ugh.
What are the red flags you're seeing left and right over the week?
Maybe in terms of your thinking:
Remember that you can't do anything about his using or not using.
And because of that, it is of no use to even think about it.
(Not that it's easy to do that, but could be something to meditate on.)
Let go and let God...
Also, I don't know your story about how long you've been together and how long you've been dealing with his using, but I can imagine that sometimes it's hard to be with the addict and NOT have drama going on -- when it's been the "norm" for so long. So the mind can try to find/make some drama because it's used to it. Know what I mean? Something to watch for anyway.
Also maybe do a Google Search for the AA Big Book chapter 9 The Family Afterward.
Talks about what can happen after the person gets sober and how it affects the rest of the family.
On the other side of things...have there been any signs showing recovery?
Humility? Willingness to think of others? Honesty? Amends?
What are the red flags you're seeing left and right over the week?
Maybe in terms of your thinking:
Remember that you can't do anything about his using or not using.
And because of that, it is of no use to even think about it.
(Not that it's easy to do that, but could be something to meditate on.)
Let go and let God...
Also, I don't know your story about how long you've been together and how long you've been dealing with his using, but I can imagine that sometimes it's hard to be with the addict and NOT have drama going on -- when it's been the "norm" for so long. So the mind can try to find/make some drama because it's used to it. Know what I mean? Something to watch for anyway.
Also maybe do a Google Search for the AA Big Book chapter 9 The Family Afterward.
Talks about what can happen after the person gets sober and how it affects the rest of the family.
On the other side of things...have there been any signs showing recovery?
Humility? Willingness to think of others? Honesty? Amends?
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Well, how about this....I definitely wouldn't 'ignore' my gut feeling. Not saying you have to act on it right now, but at least keep it in the back of your mind. In the meantime, I hope your feeling turns out to be unfounded!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
lets see...
yes there have been some signs of recovery.
amends, humility, active listening, looking for a job. always being on time. no disappearing
I did find a piece of clean foil and a straw while cleaning up
he has stopped going to meetings, but says he is planning on it "next week"
His "manhood" is "broken" if you know what I mean
no pinned eyes though...
maybe I am reading to much into things. maybe not.
but I do know I will know. God always reveals the truth.
yes there have been some signs of recovery.
amends, humility, active listening, looking for a job. always being on time. no disappearing
I did find a piece of clean foil and a straw while cleaning up
he has stopped going to meetings, but says he is planning on it "next week"
His "manhood" is "broken" if you know what I mean
no pinned eyes though...
maybe I am reading to much into things. maybe not.
but I do know I will know. God always reveals the truth.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by Lily1918 
lets see...
yes there have been some signs of recovery.
amends, humility, active listening, looking for a job. always being on time. no disappearing
I did find a piece of clean foil and a straw while cleaning up
he has stopped going to meetings, but says he is planning on it "next week"
His "manhood" is "broken" if you know what I mean
no pinned eyes though...
maybe I am reading to much into things. maybe not.
but I do know I will know. God always reveals the truth.
yes there have been some signs of recovery.
amends, humility, active listening, looking for a job. always being on time. no disappearing
I did find a piece of clean foil and a straw while cleaning up
he has stopped going to meetings, but says he is planning on it "next week"
His "manhood" is "broken" if you know what I mean
no pinned eyes though...
maybe I am reading to much into things. maybe not.
but I do know I will know. God always reveals the truth.
ZoSo
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Toronto, On
Posts: 43
[QUOTE=Lily1918;3923611]
I found myself checking his pockets and cell phone today. NOT COOL.
nothing was there, but not ok on my end.
I wonder... how to fix my thinking. what am I missing...
QUOTE]
I just did the same thing...AGAIN, except I found that he had been deleting the phone numbers in an effort to avoid explaining himself.
Excuse...excuse....Flat out Lie. I just cant do it any more...like many on these forums.
I don't want to feel that flipflop pang of fear in my stomach any more. We're both sick and we both need to heal.......separately!
I found myself checking his pockets and cell phone today. NOT COOL.
nothing was there, but not ok on my end.
I wonder... how to fix my thinking. what am I missing...
QUOTE]
I just did the same thing...AGAIN, except I found that he had been deleting the phone numbers in an effort to avoid explaining himself.
Excuse...excuse....Flat out Lie. I just cant do it any more...like many on these forums.
I don't want to feel that flipflop pang of fear in my stomach any more. We're both sick and we both need to heal.......separately!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I did find a piece of clean foil and a straw while cleaning up
he has stopped going to meetings, but says he is planning on it "next week"
His "manhood" is "broken" if you know what I mean
he has stopped going to meetings, but says he is planning on it "next week"
His "manhood" is "broken" if you know what I mean
No meetings? Next week? klaxons!
as far as broken manhood...my ex used that as an excuse to treat me badly.
get in a fight. go out and use. then it is my fault.
Maybe the feeling in your gut IS GOD? Trying to get you to pay attention?
Just a thought.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by wicked
Foil and straw? My alarm is ringing loud!!!
No meetings? Next week? klaxons!
as far as broken manhood...my ex used that as an excuse to treat me badly.
get in a fight. go out and use. then it is my fault.
Maybe the feeling in your gut IS GOD? Trying to get you to pay attention?
Just a thought.
Listen to your gut.. Mine was never ever wrong.. Your right to step back for a bit...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by wicked
Foil and straw? My alarm is ringing loud!!!
No meetings? Next week? klaxons!
as far as broken manhood...my ex used that as an excuse to treat me badly.
get in a fight. go out and use. then it is my fault.
Maybe the feeling in your gut IS GOD? Trying to get you to pay attention?
Just a thought.
No meetings? Next week? klaxons!
as far as broken manhood...my ex used that as an excuse to treat me badly.
get in a fight. go out and use. then it is my fault.
Maybe the feeling in your gut IS GOD? Trying to get you to pay attention?
Just a thought.
by the manhood... how do I say it politely... umm... libido? It has always been a symptom before... opiates destroy it...
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
It has always been a symptom before... opiates destroy it...
he could not perform. that was his problem. the way to fix it was to give up his addiction.
he was not willing or able to do that.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by wiscsober
The best to you. I know it's difficult. Just for the day don't worry about his recovery. Keep your sanity foremost. You have much more important things to do.
He has numerous excuses about the meetings.
my gut has never been wrong before.
oh well it was such a nice dream... time to wake up I suppose... duty calls!!!
duty to God. duty to myself. duty to my children.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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Posts: 6,101
He has numerous excuses about the meetings.
TRUST YOUR GUT. That is a MAJOR RED FLAG!
I did find a piece of clean foil and a straw while cleaning up
Love and hugs,
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by Ilovemysonjj
Lily, why in the world would there be clean foil and a straw?
This is a new place and or if at your home, I am sure it is a recent arrival.
Sounds like using...
This is a new place and or if at your home, I am sure it is a recent arrival.
Sounds like using...
I think he is using...
now if only I can find acceptance. I drive myself crazy not wanting to believe it.
can anyone say denial?
hmmm.... like I said... it was such a lovely dream...
but as of today I have not spoken to him. taking it hour by hour.
Im wondering if I will ignore his call later. He most assuredly will call. They always do.
what if he is clean? and Im wrong? and .... oh I don't know... all I know is that none of this is my fault and there was nothing I could have done to change it. Im mad at him. I wish I had never met him. I wish I could keep the sober version of him. ugh Im slipping into that insanity of spiraling thoughts.
ok. housework. diapers. laundry.
thank God for stupid mindless housework diapers and laundry.
thank God for all of you.
Im going to be ok.
one day, hour, minute at a time.
hugs
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 14
Hi Lily - I'm so in the same boat as you right now. My husband came home a week ago today and there are some MAJOR red flags going on. The amazing, recovering person I got to see for the first time in I don't know how long when I went to his facility for the 3 day family program and who came back home last Thurs has disappeared from our house since Monday. Since that day, the following has happened:
I am really just not in a happy place right now, but I'm more feeling irritated and sad for realizing that if he in fact is doing that crap again, that I just may not be able to hold on for the ride that is addiction and all it entails even if someone wants recovery (which I really think he did/does).
I guess I'm just saying, you're not alone. I'm trying to use my Nar-Anon tools like crazy right now to get me by day to day. I'm happy to PM with you if you like. Take care and hugs to you.
- I smelled weed very strongly when I opened the door to his truck to get my garage door opener out of it
- He lied about going to a meeting and also needing to go shopping for new pants due to the weight gain from treatment and went to a casino instead (3x this week alone)
- He got defensive when I tried talking to him about how I was feeling about all this and has closed off from me since
- Two nights ago, after being gone for a few hours, he got nausea out of nowhere after coming home but hadn't eaten any dinner, then later seemed fine but couldn't ahem, perform when the time came when we were being intimate (not for lack of libido because he initiated, it was equipment failure). That is not something that happens regularly, except for every now and then when he used to do meth.
I am really just not in a happy place right now, but I'm more feeling irritated and sad for realizing that if he in fact is doing that crap again, that I just may not be able to hold on for the ride that is addiction and all it entails even if someone wants recovery (which I really think he did/does).
I guess I'm just saying, you're not alone. I'm trying to use my Nar-Anon tools like crazy right now to get me by day to day. I'm happy to PM with you if you like. Take care and hugs to you.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Using looks like using. I keep straws and tin foil in my kitchen. I use straws to drink out of and tin foil for baking. I don't keep them in my bedroom, on the floor, or in my pockets. They never end up in the bathroom or the laundry either. If confronted he is going to say that it was from "before".
Only you can make the choice. Stay...go, the only difference it will make is a front row seat vs. one up in the balcony section. You have a child together so there will always have to be contact of some sort.
What can you do to protect your child from active drug use is where I would be thinking. This is going to involve courts and lawyers most likely. But, it's something you have to go through- supervised visitation, hair follicle tests, and child support should be priorities. Get those things in place so you never end up blindsided, and more will be revealed as far as a continuing relationship goes.
Only you can make the choice. Stay...go, the only difference it will make is a front row seat vs. one up in the balcony section. You have a child together so there will always have to be contact of some sort.
What can you do to protect your child from active drug use is where I would be thinking. This is going to involve courts and lawyers most likely. But, it's something you have to go through- supervised visitation, hair follicle tests, and child support should be priorities. Get those things in place so you never end up blindsided, and more will be revealed as far as a continuing relationship goes.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
After talking with a few close friends and my sponsor, I've been doing a LOT of thinking.
what am I so afraid of? what are my boundaries? Im in relapse mode. That's ok. How does HIS life and decisions effect MY life and decisions?
honestly... it doesn't.
I will not live with anyone in active addiction
we have separate homes.
I will not give money, or toiletries, living supplies to anyone in active addiction
separate finances, and not to be rude... but his mother has got enabling covered.
I will not bring my children around active addicts
He has no legal rights to the kids. they aren't his biologically and he hasn't/couldn't adopt them.
The only time I ever would have to interact with him is at church, and even that is minimal because I teach Sunday school during the sermon every other week.
hmmm.... abandonment. I keep coming back to abandonment. I am afraid of him getting lost in his addiction and losing him. I was also afraid of losing him in recovery. I am just plain afraid of losing him. plain and simple. Fear of being alone.
what are my motives? am I really praying "dear Lord, let him be sober and help him grow so that he may live life more abundantly for you and for your happiness and to spread your light." or am I praying "make him be sober and find recovery so that I can keep him, and we can be a family and I can have the man in my life that I think I want and be able to use him to make me feel whole and wanted and needed and loved" without realizing it.
how would I feel if he was sober and in recovery and serving god and being a light to others and a sponsor and all that hooplah and dumped me? would I still shout praises to god for his shining recovery? or would I shout and curse the one I supposedly love for abandoning me after walking through the valley with him?
not exactly the picture of love found in 1 Corinthians is it?
hmmm... doesn't matter if there's leaves in the gutters on his side of the street, because the boundaries are in place, and god has used these events to say "wait a minute lily. why are you casting stones??? your gutters are mucky too."
He is blowing up my phone with the I love yous. geeze. who's the codie now???
lol
what am I so afraid of? what are my boundaries? Im in relapse mode. That's ok. How does HIS life and decisions effect MY life and decisions?
honestly... it doesn't.
I will not live with anyone in active addiction
we have separate homes.
I will not give money, or toiletries, living supplies to anyone in active addiction
separate finances, and not to be rude... but his mother has got enabling covered.
I will not bring my children around active addicts
He has no legal rights to the kids. they aren't his biologically and he hasn't/couldn't adopt them.
The only time I ever would have to interact with him is at church, and even that is minimal because I teach Sunday school during the sermon every other week.
hmmm.... abandonment. I keep coming back to abandonment. I am afraid of him getting lost in his addiction and losing him. I was also afraid of losing him in recovery. I am just plain afraid of losing him. plain and simple. Fear of being alone.
what are my motives? am I really praying "dear Lord, let him be sober and help him grow so that he may live life more abundantly for you and for your happiness and to spread your light." or am I praying "make him be sober and find recovery so that I can keep him, and we can be a family and I can have the man in my life that I think I want and be able to use him to make me feel whole and wanted and needed and loved" without realizing it.
how would I feel if he was sober and in recovery and serving god and being a light to others and a sponsor and all that hooplah and dumped me? would I still shout praises to god for his shining recovery? or would I shout and curse the one I supposedly love for abandoning me after walking through the valley with him?
not exactly the picture of love found in 1 Corinthians is it?
hmmm... doesn't matter if there's leaves in the gutters on his side of the street, because the boundaries are in place, and god has used these events to say "wait a minute lily. why are you casting stones??? your gutters are mucky too."
He is blowing up my phone with the I love yous. geeze. who's the codie now???
lol
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