shirlygirly

Long story short, I'm only 20 days sober and my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years broke up with me. My drinking was not the cause of the breakup. He said I was more invested in the relationship than he was, and thought it was unfair to me to continue dating.

I'm 29-years-old. This is my first time in the program. I've been going to meetings every day and working the steps with a sponsor. Not sure how, but somehow I've managed to not drink over the breakup, and it's been three days since it happened.

I don't know what to do to get through this. I'm hurt and extremely angry. I've helped him through all of his problems, and he bailed when I needed him to help me through mine.

I'm an emotional wreck. My boss, who I absolutely despise, just called me into his office to discuss an important project. I started crying; it was awful. Meanwhile my ex is at his job, making a ton of money after starting his own business, which he wouldn't have started if I didn't give him the idea, the encouragement, the ******* business name, a logo, business cards and a website (I'm a graphic designer and web developer), so he could do what he loves for a living, surrounded by the Keurig and plants I bought him to help brighten up his new space.

I'm just stunned by how unfair this all is. He's walked away completely unscathed and on top of the world, while I'm at my absolute rock bottom, in more pain than I've ever experienced, completely alone. I just don't know how to manage the pain.

Any advice would be appreciated.

HopeSho

Girl, I have been there!! Please read "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Break-Up Buddy" by Greg Behrendt.

It helped me immensely in my break up with my now husband. Even y'all don't get back together you will feel 100 times better after reading this book and you will feel like you have control over your life again. At least, that's what it did for me . Hope it helps you too!!

shirlygirly

Thanks, Hope. I will have to check it out.

Dib42

Before I offer any advice, I'd like to say that you are amazing! The fact that you haven't drank over the breakup is inspirational to me. Next time I'm thinking I'm having a bad day and I'm going to take a drink, I'll remember your story and it'll put my sorry excuse for a bad day in persepective. Thank you for that.

Breakups are always hard, and rarely is there a good time for it. Just remember the pain will go away with time. Also be thankful that this happened sooner than later, he sounds like a d**k and its good you didn't waste another couple years of your life with him.
You may have some kind of financial claim to his business, depending on the laws in your area.... but honestly, I'd just let all that go, and be happy to be done with it.

If the pain seems overbearing or doesn't start to subside in a few days, you could see a doctor and get something that'll dull it a bit.

But honestly, time is the best medicine for this. I had a really bad breakup several years ago, a 6 year long relationship ended, (mostly my fault) At first the pain was unbearable, I would have dreams that the breakup never happened, and I was a wreck at work, at home, everywhere. Then over time, the pain was less and less, and then it was gone, and I was actually kind of sad that it was gone, because it seemed like a relationship I invested that much into, should have hurt longer than that... but it didn't...

Time does wonders, but it works at its own pace.

Dib42

This is also a great opportunity. You get your life back, you get to focus on you and your needs.
Relationships are fun but being single can be a lot of fun too.

Mizzuno

You will get through this. Facing this head on without a drink is AWESOME! You are doing so well. I am sorry that you are in pain. I know it hurts. Keep going to those meetings, keep posting here. It will take time, but you will start to feel better. We are here for you.

2granddaughters

Hello Shirly:

Stick with your sponsor and the oldtimers in your group. Stick with the winners.

Soon you will be sober and sane ... and this series of events will just be forgotten speed bumps in the road to recovery.

Tell your Higher Power how you are feeling then hit the next meeting. Life isn't always fair but you can overcome the inequities.

All the best.

Bob R

FamilyMan2153

You must be a strong women to still be sober. I am really crap-o-la at giving advice so this is the best I can do. Many times things have seemed so dark for me. I cried, I got angry, I told myself how stupid I was, I looked in the mirror and asked "what now??" I stayed sober and it slowly got better. Take some time for yourself and get back out there. You have no idea what life has in store for you unless you live it. I get the feeling you will do just great.

DryRoastJim

I too was in a relationship like that. In most cases there is always one partner who is more "invested" than the other. What I do think is lame is that he used it as an excuse to break out from it. But that is his choice and he will have to deal with it. Oh and just as an FYI if he should call you, don't fall back for him, let him go!!


Very normal, no one likes to get dumped.

You have a skill here!! If his biz does take off, take pride in knowing that your initial idea's contributed significantly to his success. Who says that this couldn't happen for you?

Going on a tangent here, if you think and can prove that you were a significant contributor, SUE HIM! <grin> ok ok a bit extreme but ya never know

One thing that seems to be prevalent in recovery is we are somehow to expected to be humble and embrace "doormatitious". Obviously I have a huge problem with this. It doesn't matter that we are alcoholics, we still have brains, intelligence and self-worth. NO ONE should have the right to tell us otherwise.

And don't forget to give yourself a HUGE pat on the back. Many of us would have caved under the pressures you are facing. You are strong and wise. Enjoy your sobriety and turn that anger into something that take your life forward.

neferkamichael

Shirlygirly, 20 days sober? You are FANTASTIC. Congratulations. I certainly hope you can make it through is time in your life without drinking, that would just make things worse. Send him a bill for all the work you did, or better yet have your lawyer send him a bill. Anybody deserves to get paid for thier labor. Roorin for ya.

ClearLight

congrats on 20 day! Congrats on staying sober through some tough times.

Amen to that. Go forward - you deserve better.

360shoes

I say living good is the best revenge. JK but not really. You are getting through it. Every breath, every moment, every thought, everyday you don't drink. Nothing but time is going to make it better. It sucks there is just no way around it. I think you are doing great doing what you are doing. Staying sober, feeling your feelings, and expressing them in healthy ways. Punch a bag if you have to, cry on a girlfriend's shoulder, crawl in bed and pull the covers over your head for a day if you have to. Do anything you have to do to just feel it and move on from it. Just never ever ever pick up a drink.

I'm so sorry Shirlygirly. Hang in there and vent away. We got your back.

SnwFlower

Congrats on 20 days sober! You are awesome Shirlygirly!!!

You sound like a really giving and very intelligent person. Don't kick yourself for helping your ex, because the gifts that you shared is a wonderful quality and never be sorry for being such a great/kind person. My honest opinion is that the break-up may possibly be a fantastic opportunity in your life to move forward along with your sobriety. I always notice that I've been let go of jobs and or relationships that no longer served my higher purpose, but I didn't realize it at the time. I know it hurts now, but this may be a wonderful opportunity to really enjoy your single time. I'm enjoying my single time, and I finally realized that my last break-up was the best thing that happened for me. You're the lucky one (not him) - and it's your time to shine!

Going through a break-up and staying sober proves how incredibly awesome and strong you are! Stay strong, you have tons of support here on SR!!

sideview

Congratulations on your 20 days sober Shirlygirly.
Break ups are hard. There is no escaping that if you really
care for someone. But you will get through it and being
sober is a much more balanced way to face it.
I'd guess you'll look back on this period in a few months
as the start of a bright future full of possiblities.
Keep yourself busy. That's my mantra at the moment anyway.

FlyerNation

I'm sorry you have to go through this however it could be the best thing for you. First the resentments of you devoting your life to recovery might have been enough to drive him away and then you would have only blamed recovery for the breakup. Two if you drank together and your previous life revolved around a drinking life with him then it would have been an extremely strong struggle to all of a sudden change without it affecting both of you and you giving in eventually.

This time in your life is about you. You're not married so there isn't any long term attachments that are difficult to get throuhg like kids, house and when divorce is required. You need to throw yourself in recovery. You obviously realize that by going to meetings etc and understand what it takes.

Please do not fall into the trap (which I did) that at this stage you want to fall for someone in recovery. It never ends up well. Focus on you and your recovery. In the end the joy you receive in sobriety will far outweight the pain you feel in a breakup.

least

Welcome to SR! I'm sorry for your painful breakup. It's always hard being dumped like that. Use this as a reason to make your life better. Make it the best you can for yourself. Being single can be fun also. I'm single and I love it.

LadyinBC

Congrats for making it thru without drinking. I am also another single and I really love it! It has given me time to work on ME and not have to worry about anyone else.

visch1

Congratulation's on your 20 days, hang in and keep coming even when you don't want to. There's a devil on our shoulders trying to convince us we deserve to drink. Mine showed up after some broken shoelaces of little importance that caught me off balance. That was part my learning curve a lot of 24 hours ago. There is so much around here to learn about ourselves and a GOOD life. BE WELL

ABIDEBYLAW

I would be happy to be rid of him : )
You were the strength/smarts behind his rising the economic ladder, therefore you can do it for yourself without help from him or anyone else.
Many better mates out there than him, trust me.
Stay sober and things will turn all for the better.

Recovery1983

Hey Shirly, I'm sorry to hear about the breakup. Those can be extremely difficult to overcome, let alone trying to overcome it while battling addiction/alcoholism. During my NA meeting yesterday, the speaker touched on two of the biggest triggers for relapse. He said that the death of a loved one and the end of relationships are two of the biggest reasons for people to go out, so my heart goes out to you for having to deal with this.

Since you mentioned that you go to meetings, I would suggest that you continue to go to meetings on a daily basis, and go more if you need it. If you don't have a sponsor, I would suggest to pick one up. If you don't want to pick up a sponsor at the moment, I would suggest to let someone in the room know what is going on in your life at the moment.

I've gone through many breakups where my addiction was the root of the cause. I used/drank during the relationship, and I used/drank over the breakup. I commend you for doing a great job so far. Keep it up, and do whatever it takes to continue on with your sobriety.