Are You Really In Love or Just Codependent?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Are You Really In Love or Just Codependent?
Are You Really In Love or Just Codependent?
By wise sloth
The dictionary defines love as, “A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair.” According to this definition love is harmless and simple, but this isn’t the definition most people use. Most people would agree that love is something more. Most of the people I’ve spoken to about love say that love is something so powerful and magical that you can’t sum it up in words.
But if you can’t define love then how do you know if you have it? A romantic will tell you that you just know. That sounds convincing enough, but in reality it’s vague to the point of being useless. Plus it creates lifelong confusion and anxiety within us as we chase an undefined goal.
Eventually we all decide for ourselves what level of affection we believe constitutes love. Unfortunately that level is different for each person, and that causes strife between “lovers” who set their bar at different levels, but the problem doesn’t end there. If you listen to enough pop music you’ll get the impression that in order to be in love you have to be hysterically affectionate towards your significant other. If you don’t feel hysterically affectionate towards your significant other you might assume you’re doing something wrong by being yourself and feeling what’s natural to you.
If your significant other has watched too many Disney movies and listened to too much pop music he/she may demand that you treat them with the hysterical level of affection they’ve come to believe they’re due.So we contrive affection we don’t really feel (and isn’t warranted) to meet the standard of affection we think we’re supposed to have, but you can only maintain pretenses for so long until you run out of energy and are left feeling exhausted and guilty for not truly loving our significant other.
The ambiguity of love and the problems that arise from our misconceptions would just be an adolescent problem that we all get over when we grow up and develop realistic expectations/perceptions of our significant other except for the fact that every facet of our society is inundated with the message that we have to find cosmic mind-blowing love immediately and keep it forever because life is meaningless without love. You ain’t got nothing if you ain’t got love. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love. Yada yada yada.
Does this definition of love sounds familiar? ”Being psychologically dependent on someone.” Yeah, that’s the definition of “co-dependency.”
In modern, American society we’re taught to believe that if we aren’t in love then we’re a failure in life. Not only is this illogical, but it fosters co-dependency. This unhealthy misconception destroys healthy relationships, because a co-dependent person is a parasite that is a burden on their significant other. And being co-dependent, if/when your significant other leaves you because you’re sucking the life out of them then you won’t be able to function properly on your own, and you’ll feel worthless and hate yourself as long as you’re alone.
For you to successfully maintain any human relationship (or to just be a mature, capable human being) you need to be able to stand on your own. Only when two independent people form a symbiotic relationship with realistic expectations and feelings for each other can they thrive together…for as long as it’s practical for them to be together.
There’s no logical explanation for why love has to be invincible and eternal. People change, and they change each other. The more time you spend with a person the more you learn about them and about yourself. It’s illogical not to adjust your perception of another person to reflect these changes, and it is illogical not to adjust your feelings to reflect that change in perception. If you don’t adjust them then you truly are in love with an illusion and out of touch with the reality and thus will be unable to function productively in your relationship. Then you’ll become a soul-crushing weight around the neck of the person you claim to value more than anything else in the world.
Not only is the traditional, co-dependent concept of love impractical, it’s hypocritical. Love is supposed to be selfless, blind, and unbreakable. In other words, unconditional. Consider the person you love (or the image of the type of person you want to fall in love with). Now think about the person (or type of person) you hate. Now really think about the conditions on which you determine who you love or hate. This defines what your conditions for love are. If the person you love hadn’t happened to develop the characteristics of the type of person you are attracted to then you wouldn’t have ever fallen in love with that person. If they hadn’t been exactly what you wanted you might have hated them.
From this point of view, if you don’t love everybody in the world equally and unconditionally then you don’t really love anybody, because what you call unconditional love is really nothing more than a provisional, self-centered transaction of affection and attention between you and your significant other. There’s nothing majestic about that. There’s also nothing sinister about that. It’s healthy and productive to a thorough cost/benefit analysis when deciding whether or not to spend a year, much less a lifetime with another person. All I’m saying is we need to let ourselves be honest about it and not be hypocrites.
I’m not saying that human affection is stupid or that you should give up on love and resign yourself to being a cold, calculating gold digger. I’m just saying…don’t confuse crippling co-dependency for something beautiful.
By wise sloth
The dictionary defines love as, “A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair.” According to this definition love is harmless and simple, but this isn’t the definition most people use. Most people would agree that love is something more. Most of the people I’ve spoken to about love say that love is something so powerful and magical that you can’t sum it up in words.
But if you can’t define love then how do you know if you have it? A romantic will tell you that you just know. That sounds convincing enough, but in reality it’s vague to the point of being useless. Plus it creates lifelong confusion and anxiety within us as we chase an undefined goal.
Eventually we all decide for ourselves what level of affection we believe constitutes love. Unfortunately that level is different for each person, and that causes strife between “lovers” who set their bar at different levels, but the problem doesn’t end there. If you listen to enough pop music you’ll get the impression that in order to be in love you have to be hysterically affectionate towards your significant other. If you don’t feel hysterically affectionate towards your significant other you might assume you’re doing something wrong by being yourself and feeling what’s natural to you.
If your significant other has watched too many Disney movies and listened to too much pop music he/she may demand that you treat them with the hysterical level of affection they’ve come to believe they’re due.So we contrive affection we don’t really feel (and isn’t warranted) to meet the standard of affection we think we’re supposed to have, but you can only maintain pretenses for so long until you run out of energy and are left feeling exhausted and guilty for not truly loving our significant other.
The ambiguity of love and the problems that arise from our misconceptions would just be an adolescent problem that we all get over when we grow up and develop realistic expectations/perceptions of our significant other except for the fact that every facet of our society is inundated with the message that we have to find cosmic mind-blowing love immediately and keep it forever because life is meaningless without love. You ain’t got nothing if you ain’t got love. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love. Yada yada yada.
Does this definition of love sounds familiar? ”Being psychologically dependent on someone.” Yeah, that’s the definition of “co-dependency.”
In modern, American society we’re taught to believe that if we aren’t in love then we’re a failure in life. Not only is this illogical, but it fosters co-dependency. This unhealthy misconception destroys healthy relationships, because a co-dependent person is a parasite that is a burden on their significant other. And being co-dependent, if/when your significant other leaves you because you’re sucking the life out of them then you won’t be able to function properly on your own, and you’ll feel worthless and hate yourself as long as you’re alone.
For you to successfully maintain any human relationship (or to just be a mature, capable human being) you need to be able to stand on your own. Only when two independent people form a symbiotic relationship with realistic expectations and feelings for each other can they thrive together…for as long as it’s practical for them to be together.
There’s no logical explanation for why love has to be invincible and eternal. People change, and they change each other. The more time you spend with a person the more you learn about them and about yourself. It’s illogical not to adjust your perception of another person to reflect these changes, and it is illogical not to adjust your feelings to reflect that change in perception. If you don’t adjust them then you truly are in love with an illusion and out of touch with the reality and thus will be unable to function productively in your relationship. Then you’ll become a soul-crushing weight around the neck of the person you claim to value more than anything else in the world.
Not only is the traditional, co-dependent concept of love impractical, it’s hypocritical. Love is supposed to be selfless, blind, and unbreakable. In other words, unconditional. Consider the person you love (or the image of the type of person you want to fall in love with). Now think about the person (or type of person) you hate. Now really think about the conditions on which you determine who you love or hate. This defines what your conditions for love are. If the person you love hadn’t happened to develop the characteristics of the type of person you are attracted to then you wouldn’t have ever fallen in love with that person. If they hadn’t been exactly what you wanted you might have hated them.
From this point of view, if you don’t love everybody in the world equally and unconditionally then you don’t really love anybody, because what you call unconditional love is really nothing more than a provisional, self-centered transaction of affection and attention between you and your significant other. There’s nothing majestic about that. There’s also nothing sinister about that. It’s healthy and productive to a thorough cost/benefit analysis when deciding whether or not to spend a year, much less a lifetime with another person. All I’m saying is we need to let ourselves be honest about it and not be hypocrites.
I’m not saying that human affection is stupid or that you should give up on love and resign yourself to being a cold, calculating gold digger. I’m just saying…don’t confuse crippling co-dependency for something beautiful.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 90
I like what you have to say about love and codependency. Makes sense, and the only way you know you love someone is when you go through tough times with them and they stick around without any ulterior motives. Love isn't always a feeling either. It is also an action. Action speak way louder than words.
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