kthopkt

So I posted a week ago a/b a letter I received from my brother. In the letter he wrote how he was finally at his bottom & wanted to know if my offer still stood on helping him get help. I took several days of thinking & getting insight on this forum before I replied. I basically wrote back that I was still willing to help him if he was willing to put as much effort into the process that he was asking of me.

Well, guess what?!!! I pulled up his court records today & I see that just today, while he is still in jail, he has been charged with a 5th degree felony for the possession of crystal meth & a misdemenor for possession of marijuana. WTF!!!!!!!!! I am sooooooooo pissed, hurt, upset, etc.; I am literally shaking all over!

I really believed he wanted help & once again, for the hundredth time, I have been lied to. If you can't stay away from drugs in jail, will you ever get better? Is he really that sick?

I would also like to add that I immediately felt like he used drugs because of how stern my letter was. Why do I immediately feel like his drug use was my fault? What is wrong with me? I know I didn't cause him to do this yet I feel like I should have been more caring.
Please someone, please shed some light on this situation!!!!

interrupted

If your letter was powerful enough to make him use, that would mean that you also were powerful enough to make him stop using. We all know that's not the case, so it's unfair to take ownership of his actions in that way.

I'm sorry it happened, though, I know it's extremely disappointing. I guess he's just not ready to stop. I have been through the same roller coaster of relief and belief when she seemed like she had finally turned the corner only to discover that she was still using. It hurts. This is what led me to add "or in early recovery" to my boundaries where previously I only stressed "in active addiction".

ladybug34

i dont even know what to say, but i have been there and done that so many times. and for some reason i kept going back for more hurt and all that comes with it.my heart isnt with that any more ,yes im there but i dont bend over and kiss his ass anymore.and its different with me bc the one im talking bout is not my brother. ive had enough,its been to many years. dont get me wrong ,some times they really gotta hit the bottom.i always believe in my heart they can get the help they need and become sober but thats only up to them. lies after lies you always have that 'what happens if its this time' hes telling the truth. we never know until we take the chance or letem do it them selvres i guess

Katiekate

Please someone, please shed some light on this situation!!!!

He is a drug addict, all he cares about is drugs, he doesn't care about you, he doesn't care about your letter, he doesn't care if you are hurt or feel responsible, he cares about drugs!

Please, for you own peace of mind, begin to believe that there is not one single thing that you can do to make him use, nor is there one single thing you can do to make him stop.

He is an addict honey, he will use you, and anybody and anything else he can to do drugs.

It has nothing to do with you. I swear is doesn't!

Love to you Katie

shinebright7

Ugh. I hate being so upset and angry that I'm shaking all over. Have definitely been there and hope you can find some peace for your body and your insides soon. ((hug))

Your brother is continuing to find new bottoms for himself. He thought he found it, but that wasn't it. Apparently he has to keep getting worse still. He's not ready like he thought he was. You asked if he is *that* sick. It appears that he is.

I was just writing on another thread about trusting our addicts...

And how I have stopped trying or wanting to trust my addict husband.

Ultimately I want to feel secure, and that's what I think trusting him is going to bring me...

But trusting someone who is an addict and is used to lying and is not in a strong recovery program makes NO sense.

So why would I even go in that direction for my security?

I'm finding that I feel much more secure as I STOP trying to trust or believe what my addict husband says about his recovery or his desire to not use again, etc...

And instead focus on trusting my Higher Power -- the only really stable thing I CAN trust.

If you have Melody Beattie's book Codependent NoMore, I would suggest reading the section on Detachment. It's your attachment to your brother and the ideas for his recovery, etc. that have led you to feel so upset today. As we practice being "detached with love" we become less swayed by the words and actions of the addict which leaves us in a better, more sane position to deal with things as they come.

Hope you're able to calm down today and get some rest. It hurts so much to be as devastated as you've described here. But it will get better, and these kinds of reactions can be prevented in the future too. Peace and love xo

AnvilheadII

I believe this is a good time to step away from the addict. remove yourself from the equation. live and let live.

he's not doing any of this TO you. it's just what he does. you get to decide if it affects you, wrecks your day etc.

Hanna

I think you need to consider working a program for yourself so that you can gain some emotional distance from his choices.

He isn't using to hurt you. Your bad feelings won't change him and you can cause yourself alot of useless agony.

I believe my brother couldn't stop until he stopped. It hurt so much, just like it is hurting you, but my pain was kind of irrelevant to the matter. You know why it hurt? Because I let it. I put him before myself and today I think that was very wrong, almost immoral. He isn't my child. My pain did not help him one iota and was mainly out of ignorance but also out of a grandiose sense of my role in someone else's life.

I do not believe as someone said up thread that he doesn't care about you. Trust me, he does. I think his desire to change is in there. As with the guilt, shame and fear. But he is in the grip of a demon and fighting.

I don't believe my brother benefited from my making his problem about me and internalizing it. I think my enabling helped drag things out longer. But I also don't think he used because of me ever. He used because he could not stop.

I do think my brother benefited from my unconditional love and compassion. His life was completely destroyed. Everything he had, material and otherwise was gone. But he had one person he knew loved him no matter what happened next. One person on his team just waiting for him to get it together.

Hey. Wait a minute! How did you find this info??? You know for sure this is a recent charge instead of some leftover consequences?

Just work on loving yourself and taking care of you today. Do that and things will begin to look different.

Praying for your strength. I've been there and made it to the other side with one brother. Waiting for the other brother to get clarity and sobriety. I've let go more and more of their choices and it feels really healthy.
Peace,
Hanna

kthopkt

Hey. Wait a minute! How did you find this info??? You know for sure this is a recent charge instead of some leftover consequences?

The charge was dated 4-11-13 & just showed up yesterday.

You said your brother wanted to stop but couldn't. This is what I struggle with, if someone can't stop, then that contradicts the notion that someone has to stop on there own. I really struggle with this idea. Could you explain what changed in your brother to were he was finally able to stop the insanity on his own when prior to that he seemed unable to?

Thanks so much!

AnvilheadII

the addict gets to a point where they realize they need HELP and then set about doing whatever it takes to stop and stay stopped. they SURRENDER to their powerlessness and ACCEPT they can never use again without suffering consequences and things getting out of control. for some that means treatment, for some AA or NA meetings, for some church, for some the help of medical professionals, or psychologists, or just finding an inner strength they had heretofore ignored, squelched, silenced in pursuit of using.

laurie6781

Take Anvil's reply, copy and paste it to a plain page, print it out and put on your refrigerator at EYE LEVEL so you read it several times a day.

No A wants to stop until they reach what we refer to as their 'individual bottom.' What that means is:

total and complete incomprehensible demoralization.

total and complete desperation.

knowing inside one's self that one is going to die if they continue and pretty sure they are going to die if they detox (that was my bottom) but wanting to die sober.

It is total and complete SURRENDER that one cannot do this anymore, and ACCEPTANCE of the same.

And I will admit that the A's prospects for finding recovery are not the brightest, that many who even try relapse for a period of time and some forever. Also some never reached their individual bottom.

But, do NOT lose HOPE, because there are those who make, and I and you too if you stop and think about it, know of several on this site, and on this forum that have found recovery not only from their addictions but from the other side of their coin and being codependent also.

There is HOPE for your brother. Just not on your timeline, it is on His and his HP's timeline.

we are walking with you in spirit!!!

Love and hugs,

lilyB2013

This is one of the harder pills to swallow for sure. Sitting "on the other side" and trying to not get sucked into the black hole of an A's unhealthy choices and have it affect ourselves.

If he's in jail, there are avenues of sobriety and the seedlings of recovery there- if he wants it, he'll be able to start his process there without your help.

Hang in there.

Troubledsister

Someone else here at SR recommended that I view the video on youtube called "Pleasure Unwoven". Its a powerful 1 hour long documentary about the brain in drug addiction. It helped me to understand a bit how their thinking is sooo different than a non-addicts!

Good luck to you! Hugs!

Hanna

It is something that I cannot explain. Part of it was probably that he found some hope that things could be different, that he could dig himself out of the huge hole he was trapped in for years.

I have a great deal of faith and hope and when I started calling upon that things improved in my own life. Then one day I realized he was making it. It would take a book to explain everything that happened.

I think he always had it in him, but had to gather the strength and the desire. To me, it looked like a series of miracles. He was so very broken and it felt impossible that he would ever have a desire to just exist. He wanted out of this life and was in complete agony.

He did have a great deal of help along the way. Particularly one person that gave him gave him complete compassion and understanding along with a lot of firm nudging. It wasn't something that a family member could have done for him, really. She is an angel on earth and I did nothing to cause her to turn up.

I think shame and guilt keeps people using even when they want to stop. Most people are using to get rid of the bad feelings. Family can contribute because we think we can reason them out of using by applying more shame and guilt. Our own pain about the situation definitely increases their bad feelings. It's not our fault, it is their choice but it is there.

My advice to you is to love your brother. Work on just loving him without judgment, while taking care of you. Strive to build faith in him that he can and will come out of this. For him, you don't need to do another thing, that is the best support you can provide. The other things he needs will come along. But put your focus on you.