so, this could be a grand manipulation... but...
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so, this could be a grand manipulation... but...
my bf went to the Dr. today to get a cyst removed from his cheek. Even though he is the scapegoat of the family, he is still very handsome in a classic Ken doll kinda way.
This cyst developed from a pick mark that got infected while he was using (dirty hands ugh I don't even want to think about it) The infection cleared up but a huge mass of scar tissue remained. The Dr. cut it all out and he now has a massive scar running from his cheekbone to his chin. His mother cried her "my beautiful boy" blabble which made him feel worse about his self esteem.
when time came for pain relief he told the Dr. about his addiction, turned down the pain med that were offered and is at his house with just OTC Ibuprophen. He very easily could have taken that Rx and then any drug testing for outpatient would be null and void.
I wanted nothing to do with this Dr. visit, but he called a few minutes ago because he wanted to tell me all about it.
He quoted a song that says "our scars remind us, that the past is real" and said God gave it to him, he knows he gave himself the scar, but every day the rest of his life he has to look in the mirror and see a visual reminder of what heroin did to him.
Im wondering how I will feel when I see him. not to be shallow, I love him, I see beauty in him. but its shocking in the photo.
Anyhow I thought it was cool he didn't take the Rx for pain meds. maybe it won't look quite as awful on Sunday when I see him again.
talk about consequences for drug abuse. How about a messed up face forever and ever?
appearances aren't everything, but still...
everyone's bottom is different. Maybe being stripped of what he considers his beauty would be close. He's crying and yelling at himself for losing his perfect face. maybe, just maybe this scar is a good thing for him, although I hated to hear him cry.
I excused myself from the phone and came here to vent and leave him in his pain and self loathing. I was tempted to say that maybe he should talk to his sponsor instead of me, but stayed silent and let the tape play for a few minutes.
and now Im obsessing a little I keep hearing him say "F*** that B**** heroin. she ruined my life, destroyed my family, stole me from you and the kids. and now destroyed my face. I've always been so handsome and now Im just a beast, just like the story. " with an f-bomb every other word.
It shocked me. He NEVER swears. He always manipulated the verse "its not what goes in a mans mouth but what comes out that makes a man clean or unclean" I have never heard such rage in him. Im shaken.
shows how selfish his addict mind is if you ask me. Breaking down over his damaged vanity more than his broken family.
If his feelings are genuine, then its true "god knows us better than we know ourselves" and Im happy this happened to him. bout time he felt some real loss and grief. bout time he took a look in the mirror and could see through our eyes just what a monster he became.
(sigh) I feel better now. thanks for reading as I peel the onion. now that I got it all out I feel I can easier let it go.
maybe not. geeze! I have never ever heard him swear like that! not even during withdrawl.
This cyst developed from a pick mark that got infected while he was using (dirty hands ugh I don't even want to think about it) The infection cleared up but a huge mass of scar tissue remained. The Dr. cut it all out and he now has a massive scar running from his cheekbone to his chin. His mother cried her "my beautiful boy" blabble which made him feel worse about his self esteem.
when time came for pain relief he told the Dr. about his addiction, turned down the pain med that were offered and is at his house with just OTC Ibuprophen. He very easily could have taken that Rx and then any drug testing for outpatient would be null and void.
I wanted nothing to do with this Dr. visit, but he called a few minutes ago because he wanted to tell me all about it.
He quoted a song that says "our scars remind us, that the past is real" and said God gave it to him, he knows he gave himself the scar, but every day the rest of his life he has to look in the mirror and see a visual reminder of what heroin did to him.
Im wondering how I will feel when I see him. not to be shallow, I love him, I see beauty in him. but its shocking in the photo.
Anyhow I thought it was cool he didn't take the Rx for pain meds. maybe it won't look quite as awful on Sunday when I see him again.
talk about consequences for drug abuse. How about a messed up face forever and ever?
appearances aren't everything, but still...
everyone's bottom is different. Maybe being stripped of what he considers his beauty would be close. He's crying and yelling at himself for losing his perfect face. maybe, just maybe this scar is a good thing for him, although I hated to hear him cry.
I excused myself from the phone and came here to vent and leave him in his pain and self loathing. I was tempted to say that maybe he should talk to his sponsor instead of me, but stayed silent and let the tape play for a few minutes.
and now Im obsessing a little I keep hearing him say "F*** that B**** heroin. she ruined my life, destroyed my family, stole me from you and the kids. and now destroyed my face. I've always been so handsome and now Im just a beast, just like the story. " with an f-bomb every other word.
It shocked me. He NEVER swears. He always manipulated the verse "its not what goes in a mans mouth but what comes out that makes a man clean or unclean" I have never heard such rage in him. Im shaken.
shows how selfish his addict mind is if you ask me. Breaking down over his damaged vanity more than his broken family.
If his feelings are genuine, then its true "god knows us better than we know ourselves" and Im happy this happened to him. bout time he felt some real loss and grief. bout time he took a look in the mirror and could see through our eyes just what a monster he became.
(sigh) I feel better now. thanks for reading as I peel the onion. now that I got it all out I feel I can easier let it go.
maybe not. geeze! I have never ever heard him swear like that! not even during withdrawl.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Lily, my son had to have a very large mole removed. I took him to a plastic surgeon and watched them cut into his beautiful face too. Yes, there was a scar but overtime, it became barely noticeable. In fact, you have to really look for it to see it.
He wasn't given any pain meds and wasn't in any pain. The plastic surgeon said the "numbing" shot was the most painful part of the procedure.
I hope your bf was the same results.
He wasn't given any pain meds and wasn't in any pain. The plastic surgeon said the "numbing" shot was the most painful part of the procedure.
I hope your bf was the same results.
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Im sure everything will be just fine. Im just reveling in he bwahahaha! moment of take that you jerk. you deserve it. I feel like vengance is served. they cut straight through and its all dimpled. Im sure it will fade over time.
Im not exactly shining in my recovery right now though... hmmm.
Im not exactly shining in my recovery right now though... hmmm.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I'm glad you are living separately, Lily. He is quite the sudden thunderstorm.
Plenty of addicts make a grand gesture of refusing prescription pain meds then call the doctor a day or so later and ask for the pills.
There's just no telling, is there, what is true and what isn't?
So take good care of yourself.
Plenty of addicts make a grand gesture of refusing prescription pain meds then call the doctor a day or so later and ask for the pills.
There's just no telling, is there, what is true and what isn't?
So take good care of yourself.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You did well to let it go.
It's a scar, if a scar is the worst thing that happens to anyone we should say "Thank you, God, it's only a scar".
Really, a scar...not a huge disfigurement but a scar.
Yup, he's all about him and you handled it well.
Did I say...it's a scar? He should get over himself and be glad it's only a scar.
Hugs
It's a scar, if a scar is the worst thing that happens to anyone we should say "Thank you, God, it's only a scar".
Really, a scar...not a huge disfigurement but a scar.
Yup, he's all about him and you handled it well.
Did I say...it's a scar? He should get over himself and be glad it's only a scar.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden 
I'm glad you are living separately, Lily. He is quite the sudden thunderstorm.
Plenty of addicts make a grand gesture of refusing prescription pain meds then call the doctor a day or so later and ask for the pills.
There's just no telling, is there, what is true and what isn't?
So take good care of yourself.
Plenty of addicts make a grand gesture of refusing prescription pain meds then call the doctor a day or so later and ask for the pills.
There's just no telling, is there, what is true and what isn't?
So take good care of yourself.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: greensboro
Posts: 44
Wow, Lily!! If this is what makes him never use again, then praise Jesus!!! I have scars from using but nothing as bad as that. I feel like this could be the best thing for him though. It takes some really big signs to show us what using did to us sometimes.
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I imagine having surgery on the face and the resulting scar would be tough for anyone? i'm not sure his reaction is THAT out of line, altho he did ramp up the dramatics quite a bit. probably going to take him some time to adjust.
pretty people often rely on their looks and others often feed into that. yeah he's a jerk, but gawd he's soooo gorgeous. their looks become part of their skill set to get thru life, sometimes in place of more long-lived traits such as integrity, compassion, selflessness. if something tarnishes that outer shell, it can psychologically damaging because their looks are such an integral part of who they are - they lose part of their identity.
I think it will be a real sign of growth when your bf quits blaming heroin, and holds himself culpable. I hope this all serves as a catalyst to propel him forward into recovery.
pretty people often rely on their looks and others often feed into that. yeah he's a jerk, but gawd he's soooo gorgeous. their looks become part of their skill set to get thru life, sometimes in place of more long-lived traits such as integrity, compassion, selflessness. if something tarnishes that outer shell, it can psychologically damaging because their looks are such an integral part of who they are - they lose part of their identity.
I think it will be a real sign of growth when your bf quits blaming heroin, and holds himself culpable. I hope this all serves as a catalyst to propel him forward into recovery.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
I imagine having surgery on the face and the resulting scar would be tough for anyone? i'm not sure his reaction is THAT out of line, altho he did ramp up the dramatics quite a bit. probably going to take him some time to adjust.
pretty people often rely on their looks and others often feed into that. yeah he's a jerk, but gawd he's soooo gorgeous. their looks become part of their skill set to get thru life, sometimes in place of more long-lived traits such as integrity, compassion, selflessness. if something tarnishes that outer shell, it can psychologically damaging because their looks are such an integral part of who they are - they lose part of their identity.
I think it will be a real sign of growth when your bf quits blaming heroin, and holds himself culpable. I hope this all serves as a catalyst to propel him forward into recovery.
pretty people often rely on their looks and others often feed into that. yeah he's a jerk, but gawd he's soooo gorgeous. their looks become part of their skill set to get thru life, sometimes in place of more long-lived traits such as integrity, compassion, selflessness. if something tarnishes that outer shell, it can psychologically damaging because their looks are such an integral part of who they are - they lose part of their identity.
I think it will be a real sign of growth when your bf quits blaming heroin, and holds himself culpable. I hope this all serves as a catalyst to propel him forward into recovery.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
I imagine having surgery on the face and the resulting scar would be tough for anyone? i'm not sure his reaction is THAT out of line, altho he did ramp up the dramatics quite a bit. probably going to take him some time to adjust.
pretty people often rely on their looks and others often feed into that. yeah he's a jerk, but gawd he's soooo gorgeous. their looks become part of their skill set to get thru life, sometimes in place of more long-lived traits such as integrity, compassion, selflessness. if something tarnishes that outer shell, it can psychologically damaging because their looks are such an integral part of who they are - they lose part of their identity.
I think it will be a real sign of growth when your bf quits blaming heroin, and holds himself culpable. I hope this all serves as a catalyst to propel him forward into recovery.
pretty people often rely on their looks and others often feed into that. yeah he's a jerk, but gawd he's soooo gorgeous. their looks become part of their skill set to get thru life, sometimes in place of more long-lived traits such as integrity, compassion, selflessness. if something tarnishes that outer shell, it can psychologically damaging because their looks are such an integral part of who they are - they lose part of their identity.
I think it will be a real sign of growth when your bf quits blaming heroin, and holds himself culpable. I hope this all serves as a catalyst to propel him forward into recovery.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I think it will be a real sign of growth when your bf quits blaming heroin, and holds himself culpable. I hope this all serves as a catalyst to propel him forward into recovery.
geeze! I have never ever heard him swear like that! not even during withdrawal.
As if the drug drops out of the sky to find him and only him. Not like he drives downtown, searches for a few minutes, finds that guy on the corner, waits for him to return, gives him the money.......
Oh, and my ex continues to be a "drama queen". And, I just realized that his mother "babied" him and was blind to his problem for a long time. Her baby. 35 years old at the time.
Beth
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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Posts: 6,101
I think we all carry scars...some are just on the inside.
I do believe your BF's reaction shows just how fragile his recovery still is. After all his time clean and sober is just a 'nano second' of the time he was using.
I have to admit, that I had a very similar reaction maybe even stronger, lol when I had to also have a cyst removed (a blocked poor that turns into a cyst) on my face on my left cheekbone. Now I was about 10 months sober, was actually getting my looks back, here comes ego, and was proud of that. So of course, at that stage of recovery my self worth and self esteem was pretty much still based on my looks, not what I was doing to work on me.
Was I still sick, OF COURSE I WAS. Sure I had 'worked' the 12 steps, and my 9th steps amends were coming along really well for those folks that I had already found, although still had several to find yet. HOWEVER, I was in the bare beginnings of recovery when it came to LIVING THE STEPS. I believe that is where you BF is in his own recovery.
This is why I am one of the ones that ALWAYS suggests SLE and/or their own place, versus the loved one returning to the family home after rehab or in early recovery with just a sponsor and meetings. Stand back and watch their actions until they are AT LEAST a year sober, which I personally consider 'early recovery.'
My boundary:
"I will not live with or oe have contact with a practicing alcoholic and/or one in early recovery unless I am sponsoring said person."
And that 'early recovery' is just as important as the 'still practicing.'
It takes time, lots of time, for an A to learn in recovery, how to LIVE sober and clean, how to deal with all those NEW FEELINGS, some of which may not even have a name in the A's mind, and to become a part of civilization.
I am not EXCUSING how he handled the surgery, because yes, especially for someone who didn't swear to be swearing like that (probably heard a lot of it while he was in rehab) it is shocking to you and probably to him, but I am saying I understand how 'off the wall' he still is. Probably has moments and even days where he does not know where he is at in recovery.
Probably has days where he feels like he is in thousands of pieces, and feels like he is pulling the pieces out of the air and having to put them back on his skeleton. I had a period in my recovery where I would introduce myself at meetings:
"Hi, I'm Scattered, and I am an alcoholic."
And I was dead serious, that is how bad it was.
As to his scar, it always looks bigger right after surgery than it will eventually become when the stitches are out and it is really starting to heal.
Right after surgery, the incision on my face with the stitches in it, and it was a horizontal incision across the cheekbone, was almost 2 inches. By the time the stitches came out it was closer to an inch and by the time it was healed it was a mark a bit over 1/2 inch, that rapidly faded that others really didn't notice it, although I did. And no I did not then and do not now, wear any makeup as I am allergic to about 98% of it and the way my face would swell if I tried some, it just was not worth it.
I would say that within 6 months it was very faint and then became where I had to really look hard in the mirror to see it.
So right now he freaked and is jumping to conclusions. Do not show surprise or distress when you see it. Lying a bit will not hurt either of you:
"Oh that is small, when it heals it will hardly be noticeable."
"You had me worrying on how large it is, you really did exaggerate, lol"
"I have found out that once it is healed it will start to fade. Besides it makes you look 'rugged' and that is a handsome look also."
You get the idea, roflmao I imagine because of his ego, and yep we A's do have a very distorted ego, he absolutely freaked out when he saw the size of the incision. He will get through this.
Also, if he starts harping on it, and obsessing on it to you, tell him "ENOUGH" and change the subject.
No, he is not acting very mature about this because he is NOT very mature yet, lol There are so many things he is going to have to learn or relearn to start his whole being 'grown up', as his growing up has been stagnated and he is at the age he was when he started using, and maybe younger, depending on how mature he was at that time. I do believe that for me, I really started growing into adulthood when I finally started going to Alanon. At 3 years sober, I was still a teenager in my actions and reactions (I had starting useing substances at 12 1/2 years old). But it was Alanon and the mostly gals in it at that time, that showed me by their actions and reactions how an ADULT lives and acts, and it was different than how I had been handling every thing in my life.
And I have to say that it was after being in Alanon and working very hard, that I would get the thought: "wow, I am actually becoming an adult, I am a Big Girl now!" and other thoughts along those same lines. And by this time I was almost 40 years old, rofl
So it looks to me like you are doing a hell of a job of recovery on yourself and you continue to protect your children from the chaos of addiction and early recovery!!! You are doing great Lily!!! Keep doing what you are doing. He will either continue to grow up and change or he won't, but you and your children will be safe because you have chosen and are choosing to live apart until he 'gets his act together' so to speak.
Good job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love and hugs,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by wicked
Yes, I had this feeling too. Especially when you said Lily
I mean it reminded me of my ex, (also a good looking man!) saying something like this.
As if the drug drops out of the sky to find him and only him. Not like he drives downtown, searches for a few minutes, finds that guy on the corner, waits for him to return, gives him the money.......
Oh, and my ex continues to be a "drama queen". And, I just realized that his mother "babied" him and was blind to his problem for a long time. Her baby. 35 years old at the time.
Beth
I mean it reminded me of my ex, (also a good looking man!) saying something like this.
As if the drug drops out of the sky to find him and only him. Not like he drives downtown, searches for a few minutes, finds that guy on the corner, waits for him to return, gives him the money.......
Oh, and my ex continues to be a "drama queen". And, I just realized that his mother "babied" him and was blind to his problem for a long time. Her baby. 35 years old at the time.
Beth
I am so grateful fro the SA. They had a wonderful codependency education course which was not for codies to attend, only addicts. In the same way that we learn that addicted persons are toxic to our own well being, they wanted to educate their beneficiaries about how codependents are toxic to them.
I try to step back as much as I possibly can. I see him snipping his mothers apron strings day buy day, thread by proverbial thread, because she won't let go.
He refused to put her on a medical release form, took her name off of his bank account, when she asked about how many meetings he has gone to and who his sponsor is he said "enough" and "someone who is very much further in recovery than me"
there is an awesome song that relates to me about being in a relationship in recovery.
"just hold on loosely
but don't let go (of your love, always let go of the outcome and desire to control )
if you cling to tightly
you will lose control (of yourself, you can't control them, or the outcome)
your baby needs somethin to believe in. ( not you but their higher power)
and a whole lot of space to breathe in "
not a perfect way of looking at things, and of course it doesn't apply to someone who doesn't want recovery. but it helps.
thank you everyone for your support.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by laurie6781
This is so so true
I do believe your BF's reaction shows just how fragile his recovery still is. After all his time clean and sober is just a 'nano second' of the time he was using.
I have to admit, that I had a very similar reaction maybe even stronger, lol when I had to also have a cyst removed (a blocked poor that turns into a cyst) on my face on my left cheekbone. Now I was about 10 months sober, was actually getting my looks back, here comes ego, and was proud of that. So of course, at that stage of recovery my self worth and self esteem was pretty much still based on my looks, not what I was doing to work on me.
Was I still sick, OF COURSE I WAS. Sure I had 'worked' the 12 steps, and my 9th steps amends were coming along really well for those folks that I had already found, although still had several to find yet. HOWEVER, I was in the bare beginnings of recovery when it came to LIVING THE STEPS. I believe that is where you BF is in his own recovery.
This is why I am one of the ones that ALWAYS suggests SLE and/or their own place, versus the loved one returning to the family home after rehab or in early recovery with just a sponsor and meetings. Stand back and watch their actions until they are AT LEAST a year sober, which I personally consider 'early recovery.'
My boundary:
"I will not live with or oe have contact with a practicing alcoholic and/or one in early recovery unless I am sponsoring said person."
And that 'early recovery' is just as important as the 'still practicing.'
It takes time, lots of time, for an A to learn in recovery, how to LIVE sober and clean, how to deal with all those NEW FEELINGS, some of which may not even have a name in the A's mind, and to become a part of civilization.
I am not EXCUSING how he handled the surgery, because yes, especially for someone who didn't swear to be swearing like that (probably heard a lot of it while he was in rehab) it is shocking to you and probably to him, but I am saying I understand how 'off the wall' he still is. Probably has moments and even days where he does not know where he is at in recovery.
Probably has days where he feels like he is in thousands of pieces, and feels like he is pulling the pieces out of the air and having to put them back on his skeleton. I had a period in my recovery where I would introduce myself at meetings:
"Hi, I'm Scattered, and I am an alcoholic."
And I was dead serious, that is how bad it was.
As to his scar, it always looks bigger right after surgery than it will eventually become when the stitches are out and it is really starting to heal.
Right after surgery, the incision on my face with the stitches in it, and it was a horizontal incision across the cheekbone, was almost 2 inches. By the time the stitches came out it was closer to an inch and by the time it was healed it was a mark a bit over 1/2 inch, that rapidly faded that others really didn't notice it, although I did. And no I did not then and do not now, wear any makeup as I am allergic to about 98% of it and the way my face would swell if I tried some, it just was not worth it.
I would say that within 6 months it was very faint and then became where I had to really look hard in the mirror to see it.
So right now he freaked and is jumping to conclusions. Do not show surprise or distress when you see it. Lying a bit will not hurt either of you:
"Oh that is small, when it heals it will hardly be noticeable."
"You had me worrying on how large it is, you really did exaggerate, lol"
"I have found out that once it is healed it will start to fade. Besides it makes you look 'rugged' and that is a handsome look also."
You get the idea, roflmao I imagine because of his ego, and yep we A's do have a very distorted ego, he absolutely freaked out when he saw the size of the incision. He will get through this.
Also, if he starts harping on it, and obsessing on it to you, tell him "ENOUGH" and change the subject.
No, he is not acting very mature about this because he is NOT very mature yet, lol There are so many things he is going to have to learn or relearn to start his whole being 'grown up', as his growing up has been stagnated and he is at the age he was when he started using, and maybe younger, depending on how mature he was at that time. I do believe that for me, I really started growing into adulthood when I finally started going to Alanon. At 3 years sober, I was still a teenager in my actions and reactions (I had starting useing substances at 12 1/2 years old). But it was Alanon and the mostly gals in it at that time, that showed me by their actions and reactions how an ADULT lives and acts, and it was different than how I had been handling every thing in my life.
And I have to say that it was after being in Alanon and working very hard, that I would get the thought: "wow, I am actually becoming an adult, I am a Big Girl now!" and other thoughts along those same lines. And by this time I was almost 40 years old, rofl
So it looks to me like you are doing a hell of a job of recovery on yourself and you continue to protect your children from the chaos of addiction and early recovery!!! You are doing great Lily!!! Keep doing what you are doing. He will either continue to grow up and change or he won't, but you and your children will be safe because you have chosen and are choosing to live apart until he 'gets his act together' so to speak.
Good job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love and hugs,
I do believe your BF's reaction shows just how fragile his recovery still is. After all his time clean and sober is just a 'nano second' of the time he was using.
I have to admit, that I had a very similar reaction maybe even stronger, lol when I had to also have a cyst removed (a blocked poor that turns into a cyst) on my face on my left cheekbone. Now I was about 10 months sober, was actually getting my looks back, here comes ego, and was proud of that. So of course, at that stage of recovery my self worth and self esteem was pretty much still based on my looks, not what I was doing to work on me.
Was I still sick, OF COURSE I WAS. Sure I had 'worked' the 12 steps, and my 9th steps amends were coming along really well for those folks that I had already found, although still had several to find yet. HOWEVER, I was in the bare beginnings of recovery when it came to LIVING THE STEPS. I believe that is where you BF is in his own recovery.
This is why I am one of the ones that ALWAYS suggests SLE and/or their own place, versus the loved one returning to the family home after rehab or in early recovery with just a sponsor and meetings. Stand back and watch their actions until they are AT LEAST a year sober, which I personally consider 'early recovery.'
My boundary:
"I will not live with or oe have contact with a practicing alcoholic and/or one in early recovery unless I am sponsoring said person."
And that 'early recovery' is just as important as the 'still practicing.'
It takes time, lots of time, for an A to learn in recovery, how to LIVE sober and clean, how to deal with all those NEW FEELINGS, some of which may not even have a name in the A's mind, and to become a part of civilization.
I am not EXCUSING how he handled the surgery, because yes, especially for someone who didn't swear to be swearing like that (probably heard a lot of it while he was in rehab) it is shocking to you and probably to him, but I am saying I understand how 'off the wall' he still is. Probably has moments and even days where he does not know where he is at in recovery.
Probably has days where he feels like he is in thousands of pieces, and feels like he is pulling the pieces out of the air and having to put them back on his skeleton. I had a period in my recovery where I would introduce myself at meetings:
"Hi, I'm Scattered, and I am an alcoholic."
And I was dead serious, that is how bad it was.
As to his scar, it always looks bigger right after surgery than it will eventually become when the stitches are out and it is really starting to heal.
Right after surgery, the incision on my face with the stitches in it, and it was a horizontal incision across the cheekbone, was almost 2 inches. By the time the stitches came out it was closer to an inch and by the time it was healed it was a mark a bit over 1/2 inch, that rapidly faded that others really didn't notice it, although I did. And no I did not then and do not now, wear any makeup as I am allergic to about 98% of it and the way my face would swell if I tried some, it just was not worth it.
I would say that within 6 months it was very faint and then became where I had to really look hard in the mirror to see it.
So right now he freaked and is jumping to conclusions. Do not show surprise or distress when you see it. Lying a bit will not hurt either of you:
"Oh that is small, when it heals it will hardly be noticeable."
"You had me worrying on how large it is, you really did exaggerate, lol"
"I have found out that once it is healed it will start to fade. Besides it makes you look 'rugged' and that is a handsome look also."
You get the idea, roflmao I imagine because of his ego, and yep we A's do have a very distorted ego, he absolutely freaked out when he saw the size of the incision. He will get through this.
Also, if he starts harping on it, and obsessing on it to you, tell him "ENOUGH" and change the subject.
No, he is not acting very mature about this because he is NOT very mature yet, lol There are so many things he is going to have to learn or relearn to start his whole being 'grown up', as his growing up has been stagnated and he is at the age he was when he started using, and maybe younger, depending on how mature he was at that time. I do believe that for me, I really started growing into adulthood when I finally started going to Alanon. At 3 years sober, I was still a teenager in my actions and reactions (I had starting useing substances at 12 1/2 years old). But it was Alanon and the mostly gals in it at that time, that showed me by their actions and reactions how an ADULT lives and acts, and it was different than how I had been handling every thing in my life.
And I have to say that it was after being in Alanon and working very hard, that I would get the thought: "wow, I am actually becoming an adult, I am a Big Girl now!" and other thoughts along those same lines. And by this time I was almost 40 years old, rofl
So it looks to me like you are doing a hell of a job of recovery on yourself and you continue to protect your children from the chaos of addiction and early recovery!!! You are doing great Lily!!! Keep doing what you are doing. He will either continue to grow up and change or he won't, but you and your children will be safe because you have chosen and are choosing to live apart until he 'gets his act together' so to speak.
Good job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love and hugs,
hugs. and thank you for sharing your esh with me.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Lily1918
shows how selfish his addict mind is if you ask me. Breaking down over his damaged vanity more than his broken family.
Always All About . . . . [Insert Your Alkie / Addict Here]
It was so bad when Mrs. Hammer came back from rehab, I changed her name on my phone to AAA[Mrs. Hammer]
That way I knew whatever I heard next after I answered was going to be . . . Always All About [Mrs. Hammer].
After a couple of months, I figured out that holding that attitude and mindset was going to hurt me. (THANK YOU, ALANON!!!) and changed it to just her name.
All that did not change her or Always-All-About one bit.
It changed me.
Good enough for today.
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So tell your bozo, er ah, beloved, that Chicks Dig Scars. Makes him look cool.
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