crimsong83

Hi. Thanks for taking the time to read my post.

After a series of internet searches I found my way here. This is the first time I have ever shared my ‘situation’ with anyone before so forgive me if my post seems trivial or mundane. However I have recently come to the stark realization that my alcohol consumption has become desperately out of control . Actually that isn't true – I realsied that quite a while ago.
Anyways where to start…..

I recently turned 30. This wasn't nearly as depressing as I imagined it would be when I was 20. I was however slightly depressed when taking stock of the past thirteen years or so. Like a lot of young guys I started out drinking casually – with friends. By that I mean once a week. But once I got into my early 20’s I started drinking fairly heavily on a weekly basis. Around the time I was 21 a friend of mine introduced me to cannabis. We would sit in my bedroom listing to Simon and Garfunkel getting high. Whilst extremely clichéd it all seemed rather innocent.

Anyway, once I discovered weed things started to get out of hand. At university my flat mates and I would pretty much smoke every single night of the week and binge drink over the weekends. At university this was something I could get away with. Everyone around me was doing the same so it seemed normal. I guess this is where I first started to become reliant upon substances. Sometime in university I started to smoke heavily alone. Nothing pleased me more than closing myself off from the world and smoking till I passed out. Friends would call me, knock at my door and even come to my window to see what I was up to. But I would ignore them. Happy enough alone.

Once I graduated from University and started work, I quickly realized there was no way in the world that I could smoke so much weed and earn a decent living. The weed hangover would weaken the most basic of communication skills. Making eye contact with my boss the next day almost impossible. So this is when I switched. I stopped smoking weed during the week, instead opting for a bottle of wine. At first it was just a few glasses in the evening to take the edge off. You know, kick back and relax after a long day in the office. By the time I was in my mid twenties it was a bottle a night. Sometimes two. It got so out of control at one point that I would hide bottles of wine in my bag and drink them in the toilet at home so my girlfriend at the time wouldn't see (she was becoming increasingly distressed by my binge drinking. needless to say we’ve since broken up).

And then two years ago I got a job working from home. So weed was a viable option for me again. But this time it was different. This time I would still drink the bottle of wine. And then top the night off with a smoke before crashing into a heap on my bed. I quit my job a month ago and since then I was I have been drinking and smoking heavily every night. I'm gaining weight, my heart is thumping out of my chest in the middle of the night. I’m too anxious and paranoid to attend job interviews. I’m lost.

I know I have a problem but I don’t know what to do about it. I’m trying to fight the urges but I’m weak.

I haven’t had a drink since Sunday. It’s now Wednesday. Nor have I smoked anything. But I’m afraid this sober stint won’t last. Help…
P.S sorry for long post.

Gilmer

You were right to post here. It's important to open up and not live a secret life. A lot of us have had that problem. Go to a doctor to tell him you've got a serious drinking problem and you need to quit--they may be able to give you some medicine (fully supervised) to bring you down easier. You know that dope and alcohol have made your life a mess. The high is not worth it. Just go one day at a time--one minute at a time if that's what it takes. Just don't pick up. Just don't. Tie yourself to the mast! Seek out AA or another recovery group to whom you can be accountable--having people who are in the same boat really helps. I love this site for that very reason. Join the April 2013 "class" thread. You'll find others who are in the same place as you. God bless you, Crimson!

LadyinBC

Hi Crimsong,

Your post is not trivial or mundane. Most of us here have experienced what you are going thru. I feel the desperation in your post, I was exactly where you have been. And I felt lost.

You are not weak by an means. You know you have to do something and you will find the strength and discover that you are strong. You posted here and it takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there. Not weak at all.

I agree with Gilmer, go see your doctor and be totally honest with them. You will find lots of support and help here as you start your journey to a sober life.

visch1

Hello and thank you for posting. Although I haven’t picked up for many years I need the reminder, before I forget, what it was like. I found my sobriety by way of AA, some by other means. I’m fortunate that I have not had a desire for a drink for over 30 years by getting involved and going to meetings and dismissing the reasons not to go. One of my favorite expressions is “ if you don’t pick up that FIRST drink/drug you don’t have to get sober AGAIN,” if you lucky. BE WELL

instant

Glad you are here. In my experience this thing gets worse. After years of trying to control it, moderate and attempts at soberity that i could not sustain i finally suurendered when i could not bear the torment and struggle anymore. Best thing i ever did.

Now sober 23 months next week

instant

I should have added. A sober life is easy once you get used to it. Drinking is far harder. .....but it is an addiction, and the first six months was very illuminating to me how powerful and insidious this thing is.

DG0409

Take at least a few minutes to be proud of your days quit right now.

The positive things are that:

• you're facing the fact you have a problem
• you have the drive to do something about it (or you wouldn't be sober right now)
• you've come to a great place for advice and support to learn ways to be successful in quitting
• you're on a path away from the problem

Be proud of yourself for these things. It will help with the commitment to continue in a beneficial direction.

crimsong83

Hi All! First and foremost thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. I am genuinely thankful for you all taking the time to write. It really means a lot to know you are out there and someone somewhere understands what i've been going through! I have read all of your comments have taken everything on board.

least

Admitting there is a problem is the first step in solving it. You've come to a very supportive place, a great resource for those wanting to get sober. Read around and post your questions and feelings. We are here to support and encourage you.

Gilmer

Hang around a lot! This website can really get you through a lot of hairy moments!

SoberD

Crim, my story is a lot like yours but I'm 33 and my weed career ended in my mid-20's -I just didn't like how it felt anymore. To your question, things will seem much more in control and manageable if you just keep staying away from the mind-altering substances. Approaching life with a clear head is simply...well, easier.

bigsombrero

Much like SoberD above me, I can also relate. The isolation, loss of girlfriend, exchanging one addiction for another, it all sounds familiar. I waited too long to get off the exit ramp on this path, I was 37 before I finally sought help and cobbled things together.

Today I have only 9 months of sobriety under my belt. You sound pretty lost and confused, and you probably don't see any way out of this. I understand. The first step is coming clean to yourself and admitting you've got issues. You've done that. Congrats. The next step, IMO, would be for you to get some support - this website is great for that. There are also tons of programs and support groups out there, and I must say as much as I doubted them, I was pleasantly surprised how much they helped me construct a plan to quit. Are you open to getting some help and assistance from groups like AA or SMART?

crimsong83

Hey bigsombrero. Thanks for your message. Yeah I am open to getting some support. I actually arranged to meet with a professional a few months back.....but i didnt turn up as i was having a 'good day' and felt like I had things under control. But I do think im ready to get assistance from someone. I havent had a drink or some since Sunday (now thursday) and I feel terrible! Almost sick. Ive read on a few posts this is normal when you stop drinking. My fear is once im feeling better , ill wanted to get back on it......So yes i am going to seek some professional help. Thanks again Buddy!

crimsong83

Hey SoberD. How long have you been sober for? Did you seek professional help? if you dont mind me asking.....

fantail

I'm about to turn 30, and my story is almost identical to yours, right down to the Simon and Garfunkel. The only real difference is that once I switched to alcohol I pretty much dropped weed, but with the amount I was drinking by the end adding weed could hardly have made me more intoxicated, so it's a bit of a moot point in my case. Things got bad.

I lost my job in a round of layoffs in December, and like you I spent my first two months with no responsibilities getting drunker than ever before. There were more than a few days where I'd drink in the morning, pass out for a few hours, then get up and go out with friends for more drinks. When I think back on that time it feels like two weeks, not two months.

But then I got "lucky" by getting unlucky... the daily drinking finally damaged my stomach enough to land me in the ER very afraid, to be diagnosed with alcoholic gastritis. I'd been trying on and off to quit for six months by then, so a three am cab ride to the hospital and a very unimpressed doctor was enough cold water in the face to get me to finally do it.

I spent the first two weeks eating junk food and watching old TV shows back to back to back. After that, I started going to yoga once a day to practice impulse control and get back in touch with my physical self. A couple weeks later I started going to yoga twice daily.

I'm almost at two months now and the second month has been much easier than the first. I still get insomnia on and off, and days when I'm exhausted, and all the other P.A.W.S.-type symptoms... but they are far outweighed by the positives. I was scared I wouldn't feel better until P.A.W.S was completely over, which can take 6 months to a year. But it turns out not only is it intermittent, it's far less disruptive to my life than the drinking was.

Seriously, just commit to one month first, and drag yourself through it. Don't think about the future, don't stress out about how you'll handle life sober, just think about keeping yourself comfortable and distracted until you get through the worst of it. Being unemployed is a perfect chance to keep your stress levels really low while you get through the beginning. I will always be thankful that I got laid off because it gave me the mental space to finally quit drinking!

crimsong83

Hi Fantial. Thank you for sharing that with me. And a huge congratulations on staying sober for two months. Thats fantasic. I'm not on day four. Still feeling terrible. I have deleted my dealers number from my phone. For good! So there is no way I can score any weed. This afternoon I have been fighting a few thoughts of getting a couple of beers. But i'm not going to allow myself to do it. Like you I am watching back to back episodes of old Tv shows....anything to take my mind off things. Thanks again

Gilmer

Just don't pick up, Crimsong! No matter what, if it kills you (it won't), don't pick up.

fantail

Try Twin Peaks, the old show from the nineties. It's weird and campy enough that watching it is nearly like being intoxicated.

crimsong83

Fantail I'm already a huge fan! Love that show!!! Ha. But good call I haven't seen it in ages. I'm currently watching the walking dead.