GlassSlipper

Hi, all....

I've been lurking around on these forums, knowing I'd never be brave enough to actually post.

Needless to say, I've reached a personal low at this point, and figured I had nothing left to lose so I may as well reach out to others who have been through/are going through this.

I've been dating an on again off again addict for 2 years now. When I met him, I knew he previously had addiction issues, but had been in recovery for a year when we started dating. I was young, inexperienced, co-dependent and felt like I couldn't live without him, so I made a lot of personal compromises and ignored my better judgment when it came to him.

Family members and friends noticed the change in me... I was no longer interested in the same things, and only wanted to spend time with my new boyfriend with whom I was head over heels for.

Needless to say, he eventually relapsed. He relapsed on his drugs of choice: Cocaine and Heroin. Even worse, he got me to experiment with drugs for the first time in my life, something I'm ashamed of to this very day. (I no longer use any substance at all).

2 months into his relapse, I reached out to his parents for help, and they were able to get him into rehab. Soon after his entering rehab, he decided we should take a break so he could focus on his sobriety. While I was devastated and heart broken, deep down I understood.

Several months later after taking things slow, and watching his amazing progress, we decided to give things a shot again. And everything seemed great. He started working at a prestigious law firm, was doing so well with his recovery, and he and I moved in together and adopted two cats.

Cut to 3 weeks ago when I learned he'd relapsed after being sober for over a year. To say that I'm absolutely crushed is the understatement of the century. I know I should leave him, but I love him so much and think so little of myself that I feel I would die without him. It's gotten to the point where I have thoughts of wishing I'd never been born.

I'm sitting here, typing this with eyes swollen from days of no sleep and endless tears, unable to concentrate at my new job, and barely able to have a conversation with anyone.

I need help tonight.

incitingsilence

First, and I know you wrote you were not taking anything. But I can’t stress enough don’t dabble, heroin and cocaine are not drugs to play with. I have seen this happen so many times, woman getting hooked out of the frustration of living with an active addict. They want to be in it all, feel needed and part of the lifestyle and they pick the worst hell possible to do that. Also how you feel now, makes you more prone to become hooked faster with the drugs false sense of perfection and everything being right as rain. I know this, codependency helped me right back into justifying some bottles to fix it all…and I knew better.

What to do, nothing, it isn’t your relapse but his. Leave him to deal with it. He knows what to do, he has the tools to get help and he also knows the difference in life between using and not. He can find his own way. What you will have to find is if you can live in this madness. Your heart may tell you, you can, but how you feel is telling you that this is taking a huge toll on you in all respects.

It is good that you reached out, because you do need help. Read around and know you are not alone. My suggestion get some face to face help somewhere, meetings, counseling. Get those you are close to back into your life, you need friends, you need to get out especially of your own head. Educate yourself on codependency cause that is why you feel as you do.

You can opt out at any time.

Take good care of you!

crazybabie

People handle relapses in different ways first I want to say this is NOT in any way your fault nor is his relapse personal toward you. Only you can decide what you wanna do what boundaries you wanna set etc...

You say yourself that your codependent I am as well, I have worked really hard on that and continue doing so Have you read the stickies at the top of the forum yet? That is a good place to start, I found that reading Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More helped me in a lot of ways I also found that going to meetings for me is a wonderful thing.

You don't have to decide what to do about your relationship tonight just know You didn't
cause it, You can't cure it, and You can't control it. You can however decide what you wanna do about helping you.

I am sorry your going through this and glad you found SR. there is so much valuable information here.

GlassSlipper

[QUOTE=incitingsilence;3899874]First, and I know you wrote you were not taking anything. But I can’t stress enough don’t dabble, heroin and cocaine are not drugs to play with. I have seen this happen so many times, woman getting hooked out of the frustration of living with an active addict. They want to be in it all, feel needed and part of the lifestyle and they pick the worst hell possible to do that. Also how you feel now, makes you more prone to become hooked faster with the drugs false sense of perfection and everything being right as rain. I know this, codependency helped me right back into justifying some bottles to fix it all…and I knew better.



Thank you so much for your response. In my exhausted state of sadness right now, your words were able to cut through some of the fog and give me, even if briefly, some clarity.

I did allow myself to be sucked into his pattern of use at first, because I so desperately wanted to be loved and feel like I "fit" in. I didn't know I was co-dependent, truthfully, until coming to this forum. I see now how being co-dependent can inadvertently lead to drug addiction, and I will be more aware of that potential in me now.

GlassSlipper

I need to read this book, as I've seen it often mentioned in the boards, and I've just recently diagnosed myself as being extremely co-dependent.

Thank you for being kind and compassionate and letting me know I don't have to make a decision about it tonight. Sometimes I stress myself out even more and bring on more tears by forcing ultimatum, late night decisions on myself about what to "do" regarding all of this. I think the best thing to do right now is get some sleep, and start that book tomorrow.

Thanks again.

LoveMeNow

Welcome to SR. As always, I am sorry for what brings you here.

I am glad you are recognizing your codependency. That is a great start. Get some rest so you can think more clearly tomorrow.

HALT (hungry, angry, lonely and tired) can cause us to make terrible decisions. FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) can too and keep us stuck. You sound very bright and insightful. It's time to start caring about you because you are worth it.

Sweet dreams, I hope you come back to post and read.

EnglishGarden

I'm sorry for your pain and shock. Relapse is common in the first years of sobriety, the psychological and emotional hold on the addict is very strong, according to the experts, and opiates in particular create a bonding between the addict and the drug that has been compared to that between an infant and his mother.

Just a few suggestions:

Whatever your first impulse is regarding any response to his behavior (because he's not gone, they always loop back and often many times), do the opposite. This is to break the pattern that exists between your codependency and his addict personality. So whatever comes up, before you act, step back, take a breath, and consider doing the opposite of what you were about to do. I know this sounds a little vague, but in time perhaps you'll see what I mean.

It is important you understand the addict personality in order to protect yourself. (For example, they are master liars and manipulators and my guess is that he has not told you the truth about how long he's been using and how often and what substances. I would not be at all surprised if you come to find out he has been on oxys for part or most of the past two years, and if his mood seemed quite nice and loving and you thought it was you making him happy, it is possible it was simply an opiate high. It is almost impossible to tell if someone is on pills, unless they run out of them, and then the wd's are very obvious. But opiates are everywhere and pills are very easy to come by and to deceive others with). So...a good, short book by someone at Hazelden named Craig Nakken is "The Addictive Personality." It's a start. Though none of us here who are not addicts can understand how an addict's brain works, we go simply by the outcomes: is he breaking promises, blame-shifting, lying (the lies we know about), having furtive conversations and guarding his cell phone like a bar of gold, mood shifts, emotional hot and cold, sudden bursts of rage out of the blue, and blindsiding with unfair criticism of us which takes us down at the knees, then following that up with the silent treatment for hours, days, weeks, months.

The typical cycle is the addict messes up, hits a hard low (to us this looks like he's sad because he's about to lose us, but often it's because he's at the end of a drug spiral), asks for another chance, tells us we are angels and he has never trusted anyone like he trusts/or needs us, intoxicates us with wonderful make-up sex and affection, then.....starts to withdraw from us, starts to get irritable toward us, starts to criticize us, creates drama so he can walk out on us and USE. We are shattered. We cry for days and cannot eat. He's out there high--literally--and mighty. Then he hits some kind of wall. And who does he call.....

This is a classic cycle. And it is one in which the addict pulls all the strings.

You can choose not to participate. You can get some help, get your head straight about what you have been a part of without understanding it, and you can do the most mature and loving thing anyone who cares about an addict can do: you can use the word "NO."

He is not the strong one. You are not the weak one. It's a trick.

I hope tomorrow you will call a counselor. You need some help and deserve it. Addiction is a powerful, destructive force, and you are no match for it. Get help there, one on one. You are in the belly of the beast. It's important you have someone there holding onto you with a good strong rope.

JMFburns

I cannot stress enough the importance of AlAnon or NarAnon meetings. Taking even 1 hour out of a week FOR YOU is a huge step to acknowledging to yourself that you are an important person and deserve respect, fun, love, serenity, etc.

I cannot stress enough how AlAnon and NarAnon saved my life, one meeting at a time, one day at a time.

Good luck.

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR....you will quickly find that you are not alone. We all understand what it's like to love an addict.

Addiction is a crazy disease that affects a person psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually. The crazy thing is that it impacts those close to the addict in the same way: psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually. Another great book to read is "Addictive Thinking: Understanding Self Deception" by Abraham Twerski. In this book, he addresses how the codependent brain and the addictive brain work in a very similar manner.

There is a good side to everything. For me, the good side of having addicts in my life is that I eventually reached a low SO low that I had to find help for myself.....Or die (and I mean that quite literally). It led me on a journey of self discovery that I cherish.

I am so sorry that you are feeling so awful. Relapse is scary. This is not a time to beat yourself up for anything you might have done to cope with your loved one's addiction. It is a great time to arm yourself with knowledge and begin to learn how to take care of you first.

gentlest of hugs to you today
ke

zoso77

I empathize with you. When someone we care about relapses, it's an awful, awful feeling. When my AXGF relapsed a couple of years ago, I was a zombie for day or two.

Unfortunately, these things happen. You can't prevent people from making decisions that aren't just not in their best interests, but decisions that can kill them. And accepting that is extremely difficult.

So you have some decisions you have to make. What I often tell people when they're faced with tough decisions is you have to make them based on what you know to be true instead of what you hope could happen. And that often means doing things that we don't want to do, but have to in order for us to be emotionally safe.

I would encourage you to learn as much as you can while you're here. And I would also encourage you to find a local Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting so that you can receive support from those who have been in similar positions and their collective wisdom.

Best,
ZoSo

AnvilheadII

you CAN live without him. you did before you met. and you will long after he's gone.....IF YOU CHOSE.

breathe your own air.
think your own thoughts.
live your own life.

it's OK to bail! it's ok to say I don't wanna do this anymore. it's ok to say goodbye.

relationships have beginnings, middles and ends. we will encounter a LOT of people in our lives....not all are meant to last. if you go buy 20 daffoldils and plant them chances are GOOD that no all will survive. and we don't get to pick which do and which don't....nature will prevail and let us know what is long lasting and what is not.

Marshmallow

My husband has been in a relapse also. He was binging on cocaine and alcohol for a straight week. He had been clean for over three years. All happened before we met. I could not even talk to him as he was either high, drunk, or passed out. I found this website about a week ago I guess. I will share some things that have helped me.

I found this thread, and it is written by a wife who’s husband in in relapse from alcohol. It made me feel not so alone. I have found a lot of strength in the person who wrote this, and would encourage you to read it, or at least her posts (as the thread is pretty long). It inspired me to call my husbands psychologist (who he hadn’t seen in about 7 months) and also his parents for help. My husbands doctor was wonderful. He has talked to me a couple of times, and has so much information to share about addiction, relapse, and the whole process. One thing he shared, would apply to your boyfriend also since he has already had treatment. The doctor said, my husband has been through this before, and he has the skills and knowledge, to bring himself out of this. He knows the difference between life when he is drunk/high or sober. His doctor said he would help him when he calls and is ready. Also, he was very encouraging because he has faith in my husband to get through this and get his life back on track.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...h-relapse.html

Also what has inspired me about this post is the way Cecelia has removed so much emotion and anger, and replaced it with solid decision making, and even allows herself to feel humor at some of the craziness. Which seemed so impossible to me when I was crying my eyes out days ago. She shared this video with me, and another person on this site did also. It has helped me more than anything to understand what the addiction has been doing to my husband, and what has been going on in his brain while he was binging. It all hit home for me what was explained and what I was seeing. Is an hour long documentary (but not dry and boring), It was created by a doctor who also suffered an addiction. I have watched it twice. I think it should be suggested to all family members. I shared it with my husbands parents, and later I hope to watch it with him.

Pleasure Unwoven Full Movie Documentary by Kevin McCauley - YouTube

Once I called my In-laws, my father in law came out and has been here a week. My husband was angry I called them, but this shook him up and he stopped binging on alcohol. Did his best to pull himself together before his dad arrived. Not completely possible after a week long binge ! My FIL basically sent me away, he said he wanted to try to talk with him, and since he had been through it before I thought it was best. He sent me to a hotel where I have been almost a full week now. Once I got away from that week of binging, I realized how exhausted I was, emotionally drained. I kept thinking he would just snap out of it, but the more drugs and alcohol he took the worse he was getting, so Im glad I finally called for help.

My husband has now reached out to his psychologist, and yesterday they devised a plan to get him back on track. I don’t know what the outcome will be, but I am hopeful. I am planning on going home now that he has made this effort and is no longer completely out of control. Part of his plan is also going to include drug testing to satisfy his business partner who also became aware of what was going on & reached out to sort of intervene along with FIL.

I know how scary all of this is, and I cant advise what you should do in your situation. But I wanted to share what I have done. My FIL told me days ago, that I was going to have to be patient. So I will offer that up as my words of wisdom. (FIL would get a kick out of me doing that !) But really be patient with yourself, and think things through. I think the answers you need for yourself will come in time, just like mine did.

shockozulu

I thought I couldn't live without my sister/best friend. Ended up in a homeless shelter because our county is so short on funds if you are not in immediate danger and have no children, there isn't a place for you here.

The homeless shelter was a piece of cake after being emotionally abused by a drug user. In the months I was there I began to come out of my shell. I have several people on my Facebook who I met there and we keep in contact still. Life didn't end the day I left home.

It won't for you either but I know that fear.

Wing

Dear Zoso,

Your suggestion is so wise and helpful! It's really true

"So you have some decisions you have to make. What I often tell people when they're faced with tough decisions is you have to make them based on what you know to be true instead of what you hope could happen. And that often means doing things that we don't want to do, but have to in order for us to be emotionally safe."

I got back to my ex last year in Aug... Even though I already got your and other people advice in March... I simply fell into the trap again... And I told myself to believe him saying that things had changed and he got better. I believed.... Ignored the truth I saw... These nites he got drunk and insisted to call dealer in front of me; the cocaine bags I have found in his house; his drunkie fren moved into his house, etc etc... I chose to ignore these and believed that he got better and only used recreationally. I hoped that things were better...

GlassSlipper

Thank you all so much for your insightful advice and for your compassion. I've been MIA recently, as things have gotten worse. I'll update soon, but am finding great solace in reading through these responses so full of wisdom and inspiration. Thank you all, from the bottom of my broken heart.

Angelscry

Dear Glasssliper, your story sounds so much like my own. I have nothing to add to the great advice that the others have already given. I really hope that things improve for you. Try to get as much rest as you can, and try not to make any decisions now. And although it feels like you are all alone right now, just know that we are here for you and you've also got your Higher power by your side.

Thinking of you...

GlassSlipper

Thank you all, again. The kindness of complete strangers has overwhelmed me and given me the support I've not been getting these past 2 years. I now feel inspired to go to Al-Anon/Nar-Anon meetings if this is at all indicative of what to expect there.

Thank you to all who recommended "Codependent No More"... though I'm only 70 pages in, I'm now hyper-aware of how very co-dependent I have become recently. It frightens me to come to the realization that my life literally revolves around my partner. I would have never pegged myself for this... have always felt strong, confident, and independent. It's funny how quickly someone else's addiction can change the inner workings of your being.

With regards to my boyfriend's relapse... I am well aware that there were red flags and signs leading up to this. He has been prescribed suboxone for the past year and a half, and I'd discovered several instances wherein he was taking more than prescribed. He works at a law firm and has been exceedingly stressed with work, etc... I just feel like I should have seen this coming. I feel like I should have "done" something.

The relapse has not yet ended, and has taken a turn for the worse. He claims he can't go to rehab because he works too much and doesn't have time. I live with him, and am hesitant to pack up and leave due to the apartment's close proximity to my own workplace. Is it wrong to stay? Will that make things worse for me? For him?

I've been trying my hardest to practice detachment with him, but I feel so weak. My mind continuously wanders back to him and his problems throughout the day. My health is really suffering from the anxiety, and I feel like the whole world is tapped into my kidney's most days... just so severely exhausted.

I've yet to reach out to any friends or counselors, and have been keeping this entirely to myself, save sharing it with all of you.

I know I can't force him into rehab, and make everything better, but I'm just not ready to completely walk away from this.