country02

I am a 33 year woman in Dallas. I am very new to this relationship. We have been dating for 2 months. He is divorced for about 7 years and has co-custody of his 15 year old daughter. He has been unemployed for about a month. He just a received an offer for a new position that he was suppose to start today. I have noticed over the past months that there is a lot of drama around the ex-wife and daughter. The ex-wife is remarried, they have an 8 year old and one more on the way. My boyfriend's daughter lives with them and he has her on the weekends. There is also a lot of drama in the place that he lives. He moved into his sisters 6 months ago to help take care of his mother who is virtually blind. I think he is regretting the idea of moving in there. He is talking about moving out as soon as possible. He doesn't seem to be the best situation all the way around. I have seen him sober several times. He does drink more than me but he is a big guy. (6'5 and 290) I am concerned because he called me this weekend very drunk on the day his daughter was suppose to go back to her mother. Supposedly the daughter called her mother and caused typical teenage drama (I remember how I was). Things got heated between the ex-wife and my bf. He asked me to come over and asked if we could go to the park to talk after his daughter left. I said I was on my way over. When I got there he was very intoxicated also very angry, not at me but at the situation. He confessed to me at the park, he had taken some cocaine (the first time in his life) last night. Since I have seen him sober and spent time with him sober, I am not ready to throw in the towel but I am very upset and need to talk to him about this. I also want to help him. Any advice or thoughts?

Hammer

Back out the way you drove in.

Smile, wave, and back away slowly.

Sungrl

He is wasted and doing coke around his teen age daughter and you say she is causing typical teen drama. Sorry, that's not typical.

Sungrl

and something to think about, that was his "first time ever" doing coke. Hmmmm. keep reading and posting.

goodstitch

What do you like about this guy?

DetachedWife

RUN ! Do not waste your precious life on a relationship with an addict !

dandylion

Dear country02. There are so many red flags in this scenario that I can't count them. You would be safer by running into a burning building!!!

If you have any regard about your own happiness--run the other way. 2 months in just a blip in time.

sincerely, dandylion

CeciliaV

That is an AWFUL lot of drama. Do you really want to invite that much chaos into your life?

futurehope1987

I'm afraid to tell you that this is not the first time he has done coke, no matter what he tells you. It's pretty early on in the relationship, the bat advice I can give you is to get out. The idea of helping someone might be great, but what it takes isn't, and unfortunately once you realize this you have lost a lot of yourself to them. I'm talking from experience, get out of this relationship now, it's only gonna get worse.

kizzie

Even without the drunkenness and cocaine use - and those are BIG red flags - continued drama with an ex after 7 years separated is not something you can expect will get better with time. It is a pattern of behaviour that will likely continue for the rest of his life. (I speak from experience.)

You can do better.

country02

Thanks for the thoughts. Maybe I try to see the best in everyone because of my line of work. Yes I hate drama. I fell bad for him. I want to be his friend for now because I know he needs it and he does share things with me, maybe more than I want but. He does for some reason. I see the flags. Trust me. I also don't want to abandon him. It is not me. I just want to handle this right and try to help him. If he won't listen to me then, I will be done.

dandylion

If you want to help him--give him the schedules of the local AA/NA meetings and tell him you can't date him. His first priority is drink/drug: If you "try" to help him--he will use and abuse you and you won't even realize it until you are already hurt.

Please spend some time reading the posts on this forum--and the ones for friends and family of substance abusers. Listen to those who have already learned from experience.

Country02--WE ARE ALL TRYING TO KEEP YOU FROM RUNNING OVER THE EDGE OF A CLIFF!!!!!

very sincerely, dandylion

Recovering2

You've only been with this guy for 2 months....and look at how much drama is already involved. Seriously, the first 2 months should be all wine and roses to impress you, not you having to seek help for his situation. You have seen him sober "several times"...not much of an endorsement to sobriety.
You don't know the situation with the ex and the daughter. He may have been an A then, and could still be causing his own drama in their lives. You just don't know. He's drunk on the day his daughter goes home? So he's likely drunk in front of her. He took cocaine the night before, when he had his daughter? She may have called her mom for help, that's not "typical teenage drama". That's a kid caught in the chaos of an alcoholic parent.
Please don't think you're going to swoop in and help him. There is nothing you can do to help an A who isn't ready for help. There is much more to his story than meets the eye. My best advice is to extricate yourself from this situation now, when you have no time invested. It is not your job to save him. The only person you are responsible for is you. And if you care about yourself half as much as you think you care for this addict BF...you will run and not look back.

kittycat3

Sorry country, I tend to agree. 2 months in and this is what you see, imagine what 6 or 12 months look like. There is a reason he picked you, because you want to help. You deserve so much more! Believe it.

redatlanta

You don't really believe the other night was the first time he ever tried cocaine do you? I mean, really - cocaine is not easily found unless one knows where to find it. A reasonable person wouldn't randomly say "I think I am going to try cocaine today".

The key word here is reasonable. You have a man that has A LOT of excuses for why he is where he is:

1) He is or was unemployed -why?
2) He lives with his mother - yeah, I hear you he moved in because she need help. I don't buy that either
3) He has a bad relationship with his ex wife
4) He has a drinking problem
5) He uses cocaine
6) In your own words "he doesn't seem to be in the best situation all the way around

You came here looking for advice on how to help him because you don't want to throw in the towel as you have fallen hard. I imagine the posts that you are reading are frustrating - you aren't getting direction, we aren't being very helpful. What we are are a group of people who have been there and done that and recognize the mountain you are preparing to climb.

Understand that as your bf isn't even thinking about his drinking/drug problem you are in the worst situation possible. Without addressing his alcohol and drug issues FIRST all the rest of these problems aren't going way.

Here is my advice. I doubt you are going to run the other way. So get yourself into Al Anon. If he was in recovery or sober my advice would be the same. Al Anon is a necessity for anyone who chooses a life with an active or recovering addict. This will give you the tools to protect yourself. You need them.

Please, Please if you take anything away take what all have written - you CANNOT help him. He can only help himself.

Sorry for what you are going through. Its very painful to watch another suffer by their own hand especially.

soberlicious

oh girl...lol
I said all the same things. Those Nazi tattoos? oh he's past all that. Criminal record, no job, living in a friend's spare room, estranged from family. But you know, he had been abused, he was in pain. He just needed someone to be there for him. I know first hand the power of love. All he needed was to be loved. Plus I had won my own battles with addiction. I would show him the way.

What a huge load of steaming hot horsesh*t.

Everyone told me, but I didn't listen either. I'm not going to recount all the financial, legal, and emotional damage that ensued because of my poor choice in getting involved with this man.

Think hard. This could have repercussions more far reaching than you can imagine right now.

bless5

Soberlicious, you have a wonder way with words!!! Very wise words!!!!!

ZiggyB

Two months is not that long for you to be dating anyone, this is the time you should be taking heed of red flags and getting out of the situation. How many more do you need?

Take it from someone who has been there, your "help" will do nothing for him in the long run and will possibly ruin your life in the process.

Tuffgirl

why date someone you feel bad for? if you hate drama, why choose to continue this? and lastly, for crying out loud, why would you think its abandonment to end a relationship that isn't meeting your needs? he's a grown man, not a puppy you are dropping off at the pound!

there are 7 billion people on this planet. that means roughly 3.5 billion are male. you have a high probability of finding someone with far less "drama" but not if you are too busy keeping this guy afloat.

AnvilheadII

not ready to throw in the towel???? you JUST started DATING - that's not a life time commitment, that's....DATING. hi new stranger person, i'm going to spend some time with you and see what you are about and see how you fit into my life, my values morals and ethics.

let's see what i have learned about you in approximately 60 days:

1. you moved in with your sister
2. you drink too much
3. you do cocaine (first time ever my @ss!)
4. you drink and do drugs around your daughter
5. you are unemployed
6. you have a lousy relationship with your ex wife

i'm not sure what your standards are in a potential partner. concerned that you now feel compelled to HELP him...not ABANDON him...those are codependent red flags, your desire to RESCUE a full grown adult who has been conducting their lives for a long long time before you came along. he's not a project or a pet from the shelter...