Marshmallow

Last night I was reading the thread from Cecilia about her husband in relapse. It was so helpful to me because I could identify with much of it. But she seems better prepared than me.

My husband has been clean from drugs for over three years. He has never used during the time he has been in my life. He does drink every now and then, but he has never had a problem. We have not had any problems about anything during our whole relationship and marriage.

I posted my story on newcomers, and I think several other places, but maybe I fit in here based on what Im reading.

Try to summarize. He came to me last week and said he screwed up and had business dealings with an old friend who brought some cocaine. They both used while at work. He came home very upset. Because of the past issues he has an agreement with his business partner about no more drugs. complicated wont get into all that, but could be serious.

We talked that night and he seemed better. Next night he comes home late and has been drinking, and brought drugs home. I saw him inhaling. He has not stopped and its been a week today. He comes home from work high or drunk, continues to do this until he drinks enough and falls asleep. In the morning he starts inhaling coke and goes to work. comes home. repeat.

Cant talk to him like this at all. He has yelled at me, said some horrible stuff. Then he will cry and say he is sorry, and he knows he screwed up and he will fix it.

I have been reading here since yesterday. I had talked to no one about this thinking he would snap out of it. But realize he needs something to shake him.
I called his parents, who know of course about his past. They are changing their easter plans, and his dad is on his way here now. they are several hours away.
Today I called his psychologist office. He has one but hasnt went for at least 6-7 months. He was very helpful, couldnt tell me a lot about his past stuff, because of confidentiality, but gave me good information. Gave me his private number as he will be out of town, and an emergency number of another doctor who will see my husband if he becomes willing.

Husband was furious over my calling his parents. Cursed me out, started drinking last night. Finally came to bed. Slept till very late, and was sick. Head down toilet sick for a long time. Wanted me only to leave him alone. Then I saw him inhale again. I asked him why? he said he needed it because his dad was coming. He then cleaned up all the bottles and took them out of the house. I guess he is trying to pull himself together before his dad gets here. now he just says leave him alone and I can tell he is set to go off if I go near. Im staying out of his way.

the doctor already asked if I felt threatened and I dont. He also asked if he was suicidal, and no I dont think so.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

This is a wonderful resource for support and information. Please make yourself at home.

I am sorry to read of your situation. Your husband's relapse is saddening. Saddening because it is hard to see loved ones stumble and fall into addiction.

I think you are a smart lady. You are wise in reaching out for help. You may also want to reach out to a local alanon group. There you will get face to face support, and learn skills to help you in your future.

Please be careful while he is using. He is not in a rational, sane frame of mind. He is capable of doing everything while under the influence. I suggest keeping your phone with you and leaving immediately if he becomes angry and verbally abusive. His temper could escalate.

Keep reaching out. We care about you.

Marshmallow

Thanks Pellican. Im not familiar with the group but I will look it up. I have been reading here a lot. I dont know if I can handle all this if he doesnt stop. My father in law came yesterday, and my husband acts like Im only overreacting. I dont know how all these drugs and alcohol work together. He was sick once he stopped drinking, but then I know he started inahling and got himelf in fair shape before his dad got there. He looked sick still but was walking and talking. My FIL sent me to a hotel last night and told me he needed to talk to him alone. Said my husband needed me to know he was hurting me, and he needed to stop before he loses me. I dont know what has happened since then. FIL said he would call me but he hasnt yet. My eyes are puffy, Im so tired but only slept a little last night. have no where to go because no one knows whats going on and I dont want to tell anyone until i know what is going on. I dont understand if his dad keeps him from drinking, if he will hide the drugs, or will his dad keep him from doing that. if he does how long will it take him to think normally and see what he is doing to himself. I need to add, it hurts that my husband hasnt even tried to call me. He kept telling me to leave him alone, and I dont think he cares now Im gone.

Thanks for your reply.

Seren

Hello Marshmallow! Welcome to SR!!!

Wow, I'm so sorry to hear about your husband's dramatic relapse. I hope you are right in that you are not in danger.

In my experience, bringing in another family member will be great support for you, but I wouldn't expect it to change your husband's behavior.

Please take good care, and stay safe!

CeciliaV

Marshmallow, I'm so sorry. I am glad that his father came out to lend support, and I think it's a good thing that you got out of the house. Like hydrogirl, I wouldn't expect a big change in his behavior due to his dad's presence/words, but it is good that you have support and that you're not carrying all this on your own.

I don't feel very well prepared for any of this myself, and I don't know that anyone can really prepare themselves for the tumult, self-doubt, drama, and pain that comes along with living with or loving an actively using addict. I have emotional scars from the last two years+ of navigating all this, and I'm just doing my damnedest to not get the same wounds in the same spots again. Sometimes I do well, and sometimes I don't and I get a hard thwap upside my head or heart. All we can do is our best. I know I will make mistakes. I will not be perfect, as much as I'd like to be. But I'm moving forward and doing the best I can to learn and grow.

BTW, a great resource for understanding addiction is "Pleasure Unwoven" (available in full on YouTube). Understanding it won't make it all hurt less, but for me, having some knowledge of how addiction works made me feel a little less nuts and more clued into what is literally going on in my husband's head chemically.

Please keep reaching out. You need support to get through this. Sending you strength, hope, and hugs.

Marshmallow

Thank you Cecelia. Reading your thread has been a big help to me. I realized the video clip you shared, was one that was given to me by someone else here. I have watched it twice. It is a big help to me and my understanding of how the drugs and alcohol work in the brain. I have many unanswered questions about what comes next.

I found out my husband took large some of money out of our joint bank account last week. My FIL has asked me to remove access to the money from him. Im struggling with this and how I feel about it.

My husband got me to come home once he sobered up, and was apologizing, telling me he needs me. Father in Law didnt like it. Wanted me to stay away until after he called his doctor and went to a couple of appointments. Now he is hesitating about calling. Says he has it under control.

redatlanta

Personally I don't think you should question the advice of the father in law. He has had WAY more experience in the arena than you have. Take his advice about the finances - at least your half.

Perhaps this psuedo intervention will work - if you have been reading here then you know that even FIL cannot make AH sober up. It is very possible that AH may sober up while FIL is there and then hit again once he is gone. Never, ever underestimate the devious nature of an addict.

Stay away. Leave them alone to sort through this. Your presence has already disrupted what FIL had in place. FIL is creating boundaries for you. I am not sure how this will work but its clear that FIL wants your AH to fear that he may lose you.

In the mean time Al Anon would be the best place for you. Educating yourself about the disease will also help. Sorry you are going through this.

Btw - addiction is not something you just "snap out of". This is a full blown relapse - its not just gonna stop. If he has been through recovery before and really got it he has the tools to do it again - its just a matter if he wants to.

Marshmallow

Lots happened since this morning. My husband did go to work. I had a long talk with my FIL and I packed enough stuff for a week of work and whatnots. I changed all the money stuff, and suspended our joint credit card. I am going to be gone for the week. My FIL said he would stay until next weekend, and he is kindly paying for my stay at the hotel. I am aware he may start up again when my FIL leaves, and he is also. That is why he is pushing him to go back and see his psychologist. Get him started back on track with the work he needs to do now on this issue. I have never been through this, so it is blind faith in my FIL and some people here have also said yes, it is what is best. And i need to hear that. I would love to hear from some people who did something similiar and how it worked out. My husband has over 3 years clean, and as his doctor reminded me, once his head clears some, he knows what to do to, the knowledge is all in there. If he will go see his doctor then together they can work on it. Im going to try to be strong.

kudzujean

" I can tell he is set to go off if I go near. Im staying out of his way. "

Sounds like to me you feel threatened...Stay safe.

CeciliaV

I went to the family session (family members only, no addicts) at my husband's rehab facility this weekend, and I actually had a discussion about tools for sobriety with the family counselor. Having the tools and the knowledge is one thing; *using* is something entirely different - the tools are meaningless unless the person with the tools uses them. I have a giant toolbox filled with tools gifted to me by my dad, but that doesn't make me a plumber, electrician, or carpenter; in the same way, my husband has all the tools for sobriety and recovery from his IOPs and his previous stint at rehab, but he didn't use them when he got out of rehab, so he didn't stay sober or make much (if any) progress on his recovery. I feel like my husband has been walking around saying, "Yup, I got a hammer, look at my awesome hammer!" but is not actually hammering anything! (Okay, now I'm having visions of my AH walking around with a "hammer of sobriety" and I'm starting to giggle a bit...sorry, please forgive the joking/levity, I don't mean to poke fun, it's just what I have to do to stay mildly sane in an insane time!)

For the sake of your husband's sobriety, I do hope that he realizes the tools he has in his repertoire and that he uses them. I truly do have this hope for all addicts. But regardless of whether our addicts make the choice to pull out and use those tools, we can still be strong and we can still be happy. You're taking great steps to separate yourself from a bad situation and to protect yourself. Bravo! Keep at it!

Marshmallow

I honestly dont know what I am doing. I have been trying now to follow the directive of my FIL. I took a weeks worth of clothes and stuff, and will be at this hotel all week I guess. I called my husbands psychologist today to update him, and ask if what I was doing was going to help, if it was the right thing to do. He said he couldnt say it was right or wrong, I think he meant parts were right and parts were wrong, but he said it was in motion now, and we all had good intent. He said it was positive that my husband has stopped drinking. He did make that effort once he knew his dad was coming to stop, and clean up all the evidence of drinking. The cocaine issue remains and it is not as visible as his being drunk. He told me once it was gone, then he was going to stop. That was last Friday.

I have found a lot of comfort reading your thread, and I see strength in you, and you know what to do for yourself, and to impact him. It was the worst feeling last week when I could not talk to my husband because he was not present in his body. Seeing him like that is haunting me still. I dont think I could stand to see him in that condition, not thinking about the man he really is.

He started phoning, and texting today. I have not responded, following the orders I was given. He even texted he knew I was doing what his dad told me to do, and he was disappointed I would let anyone do that to me.

redatlanta

I have been through it. My husband relapsed after 10 years sober last year - a couple months.

He got sober again October last year.

The best advise I can give you is take advantage of this week. Start going to Al Anon. While your husband is working on his issues you need to work on yours and learn how to deal with an alcoholic whether active or in recovery.

Perhaps you should let your husband know that while suggested by FIL, it was ultimately your decision to leave and to have no contact. The sooner you set in motion that you won't tolerate drugs/drinking the better off you will be.

CeciliaV

It's amazing how a person we love can turn into this THING when they're not sober. My husband has been drunk more than he's been sober these last few months (oh hell, who am I kidding, at least this last year), and I have not been living with HIM; I've been living with this thing that looked like him but was just empty inside. It really is haunting to look into their eyes and not see them. It gives me the heebie jeebies just thinking about it...so I try not to. I have to let go of that. I'm not going to forgive and forget it all, hell no. But I have can't do anything about what's already done, and I have to work hard on living in the now rather than getting mired down in the past if I ever want to move forward.

In all honesty, I haven't the foggiest clue what I'm doing. I'm stumbling along and trying to find a path so I can stick to it. I'm trying to learn from my mistakes rather than beat myself up for them. I'm trying to find my own voice, separate from my husband. I'm doing the best I can, and I think that's all any of us can do. I see a lot of strength in YOU. Yes, your FIL facilitated your time away and it sounds like he's advised you to go NC, but you made the choice to pack up and go and to not engage with him. Huzzah for you for deciding to take those steps and for following through! Stay strong, keep at it, and just take it day by day, moment by moment. You will make it through this, and you can not only survive, but you can thrive. HUGS!!