New to group and would like advice, please.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 16
New to group and would like advice, please.
I'm new here and also have a wife who is an alcoholic. I've been blind to this for the last 7 years. I work a lot and blame myself to a degree because I should have spent more time with my family.
I knew she drank but it came to a head when I caught her getting out of a guys truck wasted at 4 in the afternoon. Talk about being traumatized. I don't know what was worse to witness, the infidelity or her totally intoxicated falling down drunk condition.
She just started to attend AA meetings YesterdayI don't know what's going to happen to our marriage or family. The drinking and infidelity, I'm shot and don't really know what to do. I love my wife but do not know where I stand with her. I don't want to see my family fall apart.
She seems optimistic about AA and is meeting another member for coffee as I type this and is going to another meeting tonight. I just get this gut feeling that her feelings for me are gone.
I knew she drank but it came to a head when I caught her getting out of a guys truck wasted at 4 in the afternoon. Talk about being traumatized. I don't know what was worse to witness, the infidelity or her totally intoxicated falling down drunk condition.
She just started to attend AA meetings YesterdayI don't know what's going to happen to our marriage or family. The drinking and infidelity, I'm shot and don't really know what to do. I love my wife but do not know where I stand with her. I don't want to see my family fall apart.
She seems optimistic about AA and is meeting another member for coffee as I type this and is going to another meeting tonight. I just get this gut feeling that her feelings for me are gone.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Virginia
Posts: 134
Charlie... I know this is tough and you feel like you've been hit in the gut... I am so sorry for what brings you to us, but glad you are here. My first suggestion to you is to read, read, read on this sight... there is a lot of information here and much room to achieve peace a little at a time. Please don't blame yourself for your wife's drinking... we all make choices in this life and drinking is what she chose.
I hope your wife continues in AA and WANTS to continue... you can look into going to Alanon meetings yourself so that you have an outlet for your feelings and questions. I have yet to make it to a meeting myself (I have a partner who is an Alcoholic), but I will get there.
Keep coming back here and keep in touch... things will evolve as they will.
I hope your wife continues in AA and WANTS to continue... you can look into going to Alanon meetings yourself so that you have an outlet for your feelings and questions. I have yet to make it to a meeting myself (I have a partner who is an Alcoholic), but I will get there.
Keep coming back here and keep in touch... things will evolve as they will.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
First of all...
... you are NOT to blame for ANY of it! Stop that thought process right now!
It's HER choice, it's HER life. Think about what YOU need to do to be happy with your life. And what you need to do to happy a peaceful life going forward.
You don't have to make any decisions today, but start being kind to yourself - that's a positive start.
And know you can come here anytime and talk about anything you need to talk about. We 'get it'.
Blessings,
C-OH Dad
It's HER choice, it's HER life. Think about what YOU need to do to be happy with your life. And what you need to do to happy a peaceful life going forward.
You don't have to make any decisions today, but start being kind to yourself - that's a positive start.
And know you can come here anytime and talk about anything you need to talk about. We 'get it'.
Blessings,
C-OH Dad
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
We all learn the "3 C's" here. We didn't Cause alcoholism, we can't Cure it, and we can't Control it. I hope you find AlAnon for yourself. It is a wonderful safe place to learn and gain insight as well as support. You will benefit immensely. Read the sticky's at the top of this page and keep posting. Hugs to you.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome to the forum, Charlie. You need to stick with people in recovery right now, so keep reading here, post when you need to, and find an Al-Anon meeting. It's important that you not try to handle this alone or become isolated. She is not sober today, she's just dry and testing the AA waters. She can pick up the booze at any moment. Her brain is still an addict's brain. Alcoholics are manipulative, they deflect blame onto their spouses, they lie, they are selfish. You don't want to be alone dealing with that because you will lose your mind.
But you can get into recovery yourself and in time, she will have not nearly the power over you that she does today. Right now, your emotional pain and shock is making you extremely vulnerable to her, and alcoholics like that. They like to feel they are in control. So it's important you get yourself a support system to help you find your core integrity, your self-worth, and your unshakable boundaries.
No matter what she says to you, no matter what, there is no way you caused her alcoholism. In Al-Anon the first thing you hear about are the 3 C's: I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, and I can't Cure it.
She's an alcoholic because she loves alcohol and somewhere along the way she decided to deal with life by escaping it with drink. You never ever caused that. If you think you did--working and so forth--she will have you on a hook.
Welcome to recovery.
But you can get into recovery yourself and in time, she will have not nearly the power over you that she does today. Right now, your emotional pain and shock is making you extremely vulnerable to her, and alcoholics like that. They like to feel they are in control. So it's important you get yourself a support system to help you find your core integrity, your self-worth, and your unshakable boundaries.
No matter what she says to you, no matter what, there is no way you caused her alcoholism. In Al-Anon the first thing you hear about are the 3 C's: I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, and I can't Cure it.
She's an alcoholic because she loves alcohol and somewhere along the way she decided to deal with life by escaping it with drink. You never ever caused that. If you think you did--working and so forth--she will have you on a hook.
Welcome to recovery.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 16
Thanks for all the responses. You guys made me feel better already. I do feel like I'm on edge and responding to her every whim. I am planning for the worst but hoping for the best. I just have this gut feeling that our 16 years together mean little if nothing to her and I probably did my self and am continuing to do myself an injustice staying in this marriage. I do worry and care about her though and we have a 17 year old and 8 year old that I have to think about.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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I'm also reluctant to leave her alone and go back to work next Monday. I have this week off. After the double bang of catching her super intoxicated and with another guy, I feel really insecure about things on a lot of different levels. Plus her drinking buddy girlfriend is back from Florida next week. My wife swears she done with her gf but who knows. This really sucks.
To make matters worse she seems super arrogant and cocky all of a sudden since joining AA too. I caught her fooling around but yet I find myself catering to her. I'm kinda making myself sick because I feel so wimpy and that's not how I am in any other situation in life.
There's just so much uncertainty involved here and she acts like she can give a damn about me. She shows our dogs more affection.
Plus I'm suspicious of everything she does. And text she makes, phone calls, etc. I need a break from her and this whole thing, but I can't because of the kids. They need me here too.
Thanks for letting me vent and all the advice.
To make matters worse she seems super arrogant and cocky all of a sudden since joining AA too. I caught her fooling around but yet I find myself catering to her. I'm kinda making myself sick because I feel so wimpy and that's not how I am in any other situation in life.
There's just so much uncertainty involved here and she acts like she can give a damn about me. She shows our dogs more affection.
Plus I'm suspicious of everything she does. And text she makes, phone calls, etc. I need a break from her and this whole thing, but I can't because of the kids. They need me here too.
Thanks for letting me vent and all the advice.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
A book often recommended here is "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. (Volume 1). It can be found in paperback on bookstore websites. It describes in detail the behaviors, attitudes, threats, manipulations, and crazy thinking of the alcoholic. It is very helpful for a spouse because usually on reading this book, you realize there is a pattern, a syndrome, that the alcoholic and spouse play out. Once you know about it, see it in your situation, you are not so easily jerked around by the grandiose alcoholic who tries to convince you that you are the problem, which is the risk to you right now. Her attitude is not reflective of someone who wants sobriety. Most alcoholics hit a bottom, a time of the bleakest despair imaginable and hopelessness beyond measure, before they truly want sobriety. They are not "cocky." So my guess is her recovery actions will be short-lived.
You have an 8 year old who is being impacted by her mother's mental dysfunctions and by the tension in the household. The older child, too. But the younger one has fewer coping skills. You'll need to take responsibility for getting some professional help for yourself and also some family therapy down the line for the children. Children in alcoholic families are always victimized, and they hide their wounds very well. But they do absorb all the dread, anger, pain in the unconscious of the family.
Your wife has betrayed you. She has betrayed you by leaving the marriage via constant intoxication. By neglecting your children (and she has done that, do not doubt it). By having an affair. By lying to you (alcoholics lie consistently and superbly). By putting your home life and emotional life and financial life all at great risk.
She wants you to think she has everything under control. That she is working a program and to just get over it, what she did. Why? Because for the time being you are her primary enabler.
Find a counselor. Go to Al-Anon. This problem is going to get worse, is my guess. There is a chance for recovery and a healthy family life. But I would prepare for things to get worse. Addiction is a powerful force, and you are no match for it. So lay a solid foundation for the future and do not any longer allow an alcoholic to control your life. Pull yourself up and deal with this. You have not one bit of control over her craziness. But you can take effective action for the sake of your children and your future. Otherwise, you might just become one of those sad people who remain the puppet of an alcoholic until they die. You don't have to do that. You are worth more than that. You are more than that.
You have an 8 year old who is being impacted by her mother's mental dysfunctions and by the tension in the household. The older child, too. But the younger one has fewer coping skills. You'll need to take responsibility for getting some professional help for yourself and also some family therapy down the line for the children. Children in alcoholic families are always victimized, and they hide their wounds very well. But they do absorb all the dread, anger, pain in the unconscious of the family.
Your wife has betrayed you. She has betrayed you by leaving the marriage via constant intoxication. By neglecting your children (and she has done that, do not doubt it). By having an affair. By lying to you (alcoholics lie consistently and superbly). By putting your home life and emotional life and financial life all at great risk.
She wants you to think she has everything under control. That she is working a program and to just get over it, what she did. Why? Because for the time being you are her primary enabler.
Find a counselor. Go to Al-Anon. This problem is going to get worse, is my guess. There is a chance for recovery and a healthy family life. But I would prepare for things to get worse. Addiction is a powerful force, and you are no match for it. So lay a solid foundation for the future and do not any longer allow an alcoholic to control your life. Pull yourself up and deal with this. You have not one bit of control over her craziness. But you can take effective action for the sake of your children and your future. Otherwise, you might just become one of those sad people who remain the puppet of an alcoholic until they die. You don't have to do that. You are worth more than that. You are more than that.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 16
For years it was always what I did wrong. Never home always working. I was working hard to support my family. You are right ,she always played the guilt trip on me and still is to a big degree. Always saying she never really felt connected to me. Maybe because by her own admission she was more connected to her addiction further last 8 years. That doesn't sound like my fault.
It wasn't my fault either when she was out every weekend with her gf at the locals bars, spending weekends at her gf s home drinking. I'm sure last week wasn't the first time she was unfaithful, just the first time she was caught.
I think I just don't want my family to fall apart more than anything.
It wasn't my fault either when she was out every weekend with her gf at the locals bars, spending weekends at her gf s home drinking. I'm sure last week wasn't the first time she was unfaithful, just the first time she was caught.
I think I just don't want my family to fall apart more than anything.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
It is very hard to accept what is. That is something we all here have struggled with.
Your children's mother is an alcoholic. Your family is already damaged. Your children will, for the rest of their lives, have an alcoholic mother, and it will be solely up to the alcoholic whether she is a sober alcoholic mother or not. That is not in your control, and this lack of control will be a real challenge for you, because as much as you want to stay married and keep the family intact, if your wife does not get sober, your marriage will not survive it. Even if you stay with her. The relationship will be shot. And your children are already wounded by the alcoholism in the family and there is much yet to unfold which is going to be hard for them, however things go.
But if they have a father who is getting healthy, getting counseling, is educated about addiction, monitors his codependent impulses, listens to his children and reassures them that whatever happens, he will be there for them and that their job is to blossom, that's all, the adults will deal with their own issues, then they are going to be okay. Children in alcoholic families often develop into very astute people, centered and aware, when they have parents who have done a lot of work on themselves. It rubs off. If neither of the parents get healthy, the children assume all the guilt, shame, fear, and depression the parents were unwilling to deal with.
No need today to anticipate all the hundred possibilities of what might happen tomorrow. Take care of your side of the street and leave the rest to your Higher Power. Turn it over. Wait and see. But take responsibility for what is inside you and what your children need to heal up what is inside them. If you haven't called a counselor yet, I would pencil that in for next week.
Your children's mother is an alcoholic. Your family is already damaged. Your children will, for the rest of their lives, have an alcoholic mother, and it will be solely up to the alcoholic whether she is a sober alcoholic mother or not. That is not in your control, and this lack of control will be a real challenge for you, because as much as you want to stay married and keep the family intact, if your wife does not get sober, your marriage will not survive it. Even if you stay with her. The relationship will be shot. And your children are already wounded by the alcoholism in the family and there is much yet to unfold which is going to be hard for them, however things go.
But if they have a father who is getting healthy, getting counseling, is educated about addiction, monitors his codependent impulses, listens to his children and reassures them that whatever happens, he will be there for them and that their job is to blossom, that's all, the adults will deal with their own issues, then they are going to be okay. Children in alcoholic families often develop into very astute people, centered and aware, when they have parents who have done a lot of work on themselves. It rubs off. If neither of the parents get healthy, the children assume all the guilt, shame, fear, and depression the parents were unwilling to deal with.
No need today to anticipate all the hundred possibilities of what might happen tomorrow. Take care of your side of the street and leave the rest to your Higher Power. Turn it over. Wait and see. But take responsibility for what is inside you and what your children need to heal up what is inside them. If you haven't called a counselor yet, I would pencil that in for next week.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
As a responsible - THE responsible - parent, you will want to do everything you can to protect the children, now that you know the reality of the situation.
Find out everything you can about alcoholism. Definitely find a therapist who specializes in substance abuse. In the meantime, keep the clarity about what is acceptable behavior and hold to your boundaries. An alcoholic won't listen to words and kindnesses. And they will keep testing your limits. And lie to your face. And blame you and try to make you feel sorry for them.
I am sorry for what you are going through. Be strong for you and your children. Get support and keep posting.
Find out everything you can about alcoholism. Definitely find a therapist who specializes in substance abuse. In the meantime, keep the clarity about what is acceptable behavior and hold to your boundaries. An alcoholic won't listen to words and kindnesses. And they will keep testing your limits. And lie to your face. And blame you and try to make you feel sorry for them.
I am sorry for what you are going through. Be strong for you and your children. Get support and keep posting.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 102
Hi Charlie, so sorry to hear about your situation. Like you, I was blind to my wife's alcoholism for years before she finally admitted it, started to go to AA and counseling. I was so hopeful that we could save our then 18-year marriage. Since then, for me, it has been ten years of lurching from relapse to tearful relapse, hoping that "this time it is for real." It is a powerful disease, and a difficult pattern to break, even if the alcoholic seems genuinely serious about getting sober. My AW did seem serious about it, went to AA regularly, etc., and I therefore did not think I needed this site or Alanon. Now, in hindsight, I wish I had paid more attention to these resources, I think it might have helped me cope and make better decisions about preserving my own sanity and happiness through the relapsing.
It is wonderful that your wife is seeking help through AA. Just be cautious, and don't make my mistake of thinking "problem solved." There have been times that I have been convinced my wife has continued with AA more out of fear I would leave her (and the ensuing economic consequences to her) than out of a genuine commitment to getting sober; she may not even know herself what her motives are.
After fighting it for years, after her most recent relapse episode, my AW relented and is going to treatment. It might be too late to save our marriage, I don't know. It pushed me to my wits end, I will tell you that.
I went to an Alanon meeting years ago, and was a little put off by the churchiness of it, and stopped. Now, I wish I had pushed through and stuck with it, it might have made a huge difference in how I handled my situation. Again, my sympathies, I wish you the best.
It is wonderful that your wife is seeking help through AA. Just be cautious, and don't make my mistake of thinking "problem solved." There have been times that I have been convinced my wife has continued with AA more out of fear I would leave her (and the ensuing economic consequences to her) than out of a genuine commitment to getting sober; she may not even know herself what her motives are.
After fighting it for years, after her most recent relapse episode, my AW relented and is going to treatment. It might be too late to save our marriage, I don't know. It pushed me to my wits end, I will tell you that.
I went to an Alanon meeting years ago, and was a little put off by the churchiness of it, and stopped. Now, I wish I had pushed through and stuck with it, it might have made a huge difference in how I handled my situation. Again, my sympathies, I wish you the best.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 16
I find myself battling my own insecurities as well as my wife's alciholism. I
picked her up at a AA meeting this morning and saw her looking at a senior male member as he spoke to her outside with so much admiration and undivided attention that it made my blood boil. I can't remember the last time she looked at me like that. Here's a guy telling her his tale of woe and how many times he was arrested etc etc and now he's the hero because he's sober 14 years. Meanwhile I've never been arrested always worked hard and she has zero respect for me.
After finding her in that car last week drunk with another guy my level of untrust and suspicion are beyond belief. I can't stop thinking that she's going to have an affair with a kindred soul that she meets at a meeting.
Her attitude about our relationship is hat it's in the hands of a higher power.
I know I have to push that aside though so she can maintain a level of sobriety for my daughters sake.
picked her up at a AA meeting this morning and saw her looking at a senior male member as he spoke to her outside with so much admiration and undivided attention that it made my blood boil. I can't remember the last time she looked at me like that. Here's a guy telling her his tale of woe and how many times he was arrested etc etc and now he's the hero because he's sober 14 years. Meanwhile I've never been arrested always worked hard and she has zero respect for me.
After finding her in that car last week drunk with another guy my level of untrust and suspicion are beyond belief. I can't stop thinking that she's going to have an affair with a kindred soul that she meets at a meeting.
Her attitude about our relationship is hat it's in the hands of a higher power.
I know I have to push that aside though so she can maintain a level of sobriety for my daughters sake.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,455
The last line of your post confuses me. I read, "I have to bury my feelings so I won't rock the boat and cause her to drink again."
How is this your fault? Her sobriety is her responsibility, not yours. Your needs and feelings are just as valid as hers. You have your own recovery to be concerned with, what stps are you taking towards that today?
How is this your fault? Her sobriety is her responsibility, not yours. Your needs and feelings are just as valid as hers. You have your own recovery to be concerned with, what stps are you taking towards that today?
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Posts: 16
Hi sparkle kitty. I went to an al anon meeting this morning and that made me feel a little better.
What I meant by pushing aside my own feelings is that I have to stop thinking about my wife cheating and our marriage working out and focus on my daughters well being. My wife has to maintain sobriety or my daughter And I are leaving. I won't have her raised in that environment. It s just that the thought of us separating is hard. Man, don't I sound codependent.
What I meant by pushing aside my own feelings is that I have to stop thinking about my wife cheating and our marriage working out and focus on my daughters well being. My wife has to maintain sobriety or my daughter And I are leaving. I won't have her raised in that environment. It s just that the thought of us separating is hard. Man, don't I sound codependent.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Hey we have all been there. It is so difficult to know what to do. I am really glad you went Al-Anon.
I applaud you for recognizing the effect that living with an alcoholic parent can have on your daughter. My own dad did not. He kept the family together so he wouldn't upset my alcoholic mom. He taught us that we needed to do, say, and be whatever would keep the peace at home with mom...but between him, my brother, my sister, and me, we never did figure out what that was.
Part of my recovery was learning that it could not depend on whether or not my mom stayed sober, and learning to make decisions based on what I needed. You have been devastated not only by your wife's drinking but by her infidelity as well. Stuffing those feelings down can hurt you in the long run, and minimize her responsibility for your marriage. I hope you have friends, family, a pastor, or a counselor you can talk to about the feelings of betrayal you have. They are valid and important.
I applaud you for recognizing the effect that living with an alcoholic parent can have on your daughter. My own dad did not. He kept the family together so he wouldn't upset my alcoholic mom. He taught us that we needed to do, say, and be whatever would keep the peace at home with mom...but between him, my brother, my sister, and me, we never did figure out what that was.
Part of my recovery was learning that it could not depend on whether or not my mom stayed sober, and learning to make decisions based on what I needed. You have been devastated not only by your wife's drinking but by her infidelity as well. Stuffing those feelings down can hurt you in the long run, and minimize her responsibility for your marriage. I hope you have friends, family, a pastor, or a counselor you can talk to about the feelings of betrayal you have. They are valid and important.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 28
Hi Charlie,
I am really sorry you are going through this!
I too have an AW and two children. I too am new to this forum. I too have had my trust discarded by the woman I love(d.) I can really relate...
What has been helping me:
1) Reading and posting on this forum!
2) Taking care of myself. It has a real trickle down effect on my two boys; if I am content so are they!
3) Picked a few little crappy behaviors (that I own) and eliminated them from my life. Example; now I walk right by her usual booze-hiding spots... never poke my nose in... (might sound easy... this was tough for me) I have gained back control, I am less frustrated, I have more time (go figure) and see #2 above.
I am really sorry you are going through this!
I too have an AW and two children. I too am new to this forum. I too have had my trust discarded by the woman I love(d.) I can really relate...
What has been helping me:
1) Reading and posting on this forum!
2) Taking care of myself. It has a real trickle down effect on my two boys; if I am content so are they!
3) Picked a few little crappy behaviors (that I own) and eliminated them from my life. Example; now I walk right by her usual booze-hiding spots... never poke my nose in... (might sound easy... this was tough for me) I have gained back control, I am less frustrated, I have more time (go figure) and see #2 above.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 16
Thanks for the replies guys and gals.
I think the main things I have to do is keep my daughter my priority and be able to accept the fact that when this thing plays out with her sober or not we may no longer be a couple. That's my own issue that I have to handle. Just by being with her so long I know that she will respect me less if I puppy dog around her and beg for her affection. That's where I hope al anon will help. Posting here with all of you responding is a tremendous help. Thank you all. Im embarrassed to admit I was in tears at that L anon meeting today.
I think the main things I have to do is keep my daughter my priority and be able to accept the fact that when this thing plays out with her sober or not we may no longer be a couple. That's my own issue that I have to handle. Just by being with her so long I know that she will respect me less if I puppy dog around her and beg for her affection. That's where I hope al anon will help. Posting here with all of you responding is a tremendous help. Thank you all. Im embarrassed to admit I was in tears at that L anon meeting today.
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