NoSaint

Feeling a bit lost.... My fiancé has been pretty solid in her AA program, and becoming active with religion. It's the first time it's stuck this long (just under a year).

Unfortunately for all the success in sobriety, I'm worried she's replacing alcohol with god. About two weeks ago she came to me worried about whether as a Christian she could marry someone that doesn't believe the same way that she does. I fall into the category of wanting to learn about a variety of faiths and have a house/family/community that can embrace openness even if not always on the same page all the time. I've spent time in church with her (albeit it limited, as this was merely a curiousity until recently ie the last few months she decided to look for a church and we went to a few together before the holidays)... Heck, a big part of her finding Jesus in her recovery was me really pushing her to be open to it and how her growing her support system would potentially help her and us.

This weekend she told me she had to leave. I was hurt. We argued. It was sad. She sent me an email saying that she feels like living together before marriage was living in sin, that she wants to start dating, maybe, as she doesn't know if she's ok with dating nonbelievers. She doesn't believe in sex before marriage (not a deal breaker but noteworthy that this is something she's never mentioned and was actively initiating not even two weeks ago to give an idea of the suddenness of this conviction). Her new, and fairly exclusive, friend circle is 100% girls that refuse to even go on a date outside of their church.


It feels like she's binging on the bible. Other than just let her go, is there any advice on this?

CentralOhioDad

But I'll start here: maybe as a codie you were so wrapped up in the drama of the alcoholism that you didn't take the time to know her, or what she was/is.

Maybe you two aren't meant to be together based on what she's found as her source of recovery. People heal in different ways. People have different views, religious bases, etc. Maybe she's changed in a way that doesn't fit your way. Not saying either way is right or wrong, it's just different.

It's almost sounding like you would rather have the alkie back as opposed to the bible thumper.

It sounds like she has found recovery, she's doing well, and she's not hurting anyone - she just has developed a belief system with which you're not comfortable.

Time to reassess the relationship? Probably.

NoSaint

well, thats something im weighing.

but im not scared of her faith. i was happy that she was exploring this, and if anything we are likely closer spiritually than we ever been, but in that smaller gap, a big brick wall just dropped out of absolutely nowhere (well, not nowhere, as there are some adversities that coincide). it seems to be a knee jerk reaction, to other things going on in life. shes in a spot where she would normally go into the binge drinking and instead of shutting people out with booze, and expecting the problems to disappear, it seems like shes putting all the walls up and expecting god to fix it.

the coworker guiding her into god (bible study partner and primary mentor) has likewise had a binge issue in her personality, though not drinking, and has recently ended up in the hospital from the intensity of her work and dedication to god for instance.

i cant imagine it is healthy to swing that extreme in a matter of weeks? at what point does the extremism put her long term sobriety at risk, for instance.

AnvilheadII

at what point does the extremism put her long term sobriety at risk, for instance.

that would be for HER to find out, eh?

i am really sorry for the sudden turn of events. but...it is what it is. she had a change of heart, or mind, or belief system. not something you can change...nor should i think would you really want to? kinda gotta just let her go do her thing, right?

now, does it sound a little bit extreme? like the pendulum took a big sudden swoop to the left? yeah. is it the WORST thing ever, getting high on God instead of booze? no. is it likely to be long lived? dunno. time will tell.

sigh. seems like your schedule has freed up a bit, what good things can you do for you now?

NoSaint

certainly is for her, but with an engagement, and a house together, nearly a decade together and all that.... it seems theres some degree of taking a shot to reach out before shes out the door. or maybe theres not.

ive definitely been doing good stuff for me. i havent been forcing myself to live in her life (hence im not asking how to better find god for our relationship) and i think theres a bit of rebellion to that going on here.... i see bits of the old "you wont do what i want so im going to up the ante and do it more extreme to prove its right." couple that with the idea of anything less than 100% dedication meaning she will die of alcoholism.... fear plus troubles coping plus extreme swings.... its a shame that shes back in that headspace.

getting high on god is cool and all... just frustrated seeing that all or nothing angle coming back to her life. having seen what its done to her before. i thought we were getting to a place where it was simmering down and then... bam.

dont want the alkie back, i like the direction she was going, but dont want an extremist back either... just looking to let her know that i respect her faith and hope she can explore it without blowing things up... if thats what its got to be, im certainly ready to go that route.... just trying to find some ways to best let her know that she can ease off the gas a bit and she will still be safe. thats its not death if she is betraying teachings that she is still just starting to learn, that its not going to be "i told you so" if she comes down and its ok still etc....

dandylion

Dear NoSaint, Where I come from, I have seen lots of the suddenly born again--who come on with both barrels blazing--to the point that they are difficult to be around. For the most part, it seemed to die down after a period of time.

One thing I learned was to NEVER discuss religion with these people.

dandylion