Need advice on talking to Alcoholic mother
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: jersey city
Posts: 2
Need advice on talking to Alcoholic mother
Hi Everyone,
I am new to the board and need some advice. My mother is a nasty alcoholic. I moved out of the house when I was 18 to get away from her verbal abuse and to save our relationship. I am now 30yrs old and I hardly see her anymore..once of twice a year, because it hurts too much to see how warped my families situation is.
I am here in her home visiting her for a week, after not seeing her for over a year. The first 2 days here were great. She was sober. We had great conversations, and I really felt close to her. She took me out shopping. I never ask my parents for money or anything for that matter so I took her up on the offer. She bought me a coat. Well I knew it was to good to be true.
Last night she locked herself in her room and got wasted on vodka. While in her room she was passive aggressively shouting about how I am freeloading and how I am taking advantage of her. I have been living on my own for years and have never once asked for money. I feel really hurt and disappointed. I really thought we were bonding until this happened.
This morning she woke up as if nothing happened. I on the other hand am still depressed and was up all night crying. I feel like I need to talk to her about what she said and let her know that her nasty words have a lasting affect. Its hard to forget these things. She needs to know how much she hurt me, but she is a very defensive person and I do not want the conversation to turn into a fight.
I am asking for advice on how to speak with her and not have it turn into an argument. Any help is greatly appreciated.
I am new to the board and need some advice. My mother is a nasty alcoholic. I moved out of the house when I was 18 to get away from her verbal abuse and to save our relationship. I am now 30yrs old and I hardly see her anymore..once of twice a year, because it hurts too much to see how warped my families situation is.
I am here in her home visiting her for a week, after not seeing her for over a year. The first 2 days here were great. She was sober. We had great conversations, and I really felt close to her. She took me out shopping. I never ask my parents for money or anything for that matter so I took her up on the offer. She bought me a coat. Well I knew it was to good to be true.
Last night she locked herself in her room and got wasted on vodka. While in her room she was passive aggressively shouting about how I am freeloading and how I am taking advantage of her. I have been living on my own for years and have never once asked for money. I feel really hurt and disappointed. I really thought we were bonding until this happened.
This morning she woke up as if nothing happened. I on the other hand am still depressed and was up all night crying. I feel like I need to talk to her about what she said and let her know that her nasty words have a lasting affect. Its hard to forget these things. She needs to know how much she hurt me, but she is a very defensive person and I do not want the conversation to turn into a fight.
I am asking for advice on how to speak with her and not have it turn into an argument. Any help is greatly appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
I am so sorry you had to deal with that with your mother. I'm not sure why some alcoholics get so nasty like that. Although, it doesn't matter- you should not have to deal with it. I can't imagine how terrible that must feel to have your mother say such nasty things.
The main thing you need to understand is your mom is an alcoholic and there is nothing you can do or say to make her stop. You have to work on yourself and your boundaries.
As for how to talk to an alcoholic? My DS is the alcoholic in my life- and I would say most of the conversations we had while he was actively drinking (whether sober at the time or not) were worthless. Do you want to be around your mother drinking? Personally, I would not- but, that's my boundary. You'll have to figure out what your boundaries are.
There is a forum on here for children of alcoholics- you might be able to get better support with them. You'll get a lot of support here, too.
The main thing you need to understand is your mom is an alcoholic and there is nothing you can do or say to make her stop. You have to work on yourself and your boundaries.
As for how to talk to an alcoholic? My DS is the alcoholic in my life- and I would say most of the conversations we had while he was actively drinking (whether sober at the time or not) were worthless. Do you want to be around your mother drinking? Personally, I would not- but, that's my boundary. You'll have to figure out what your boundaries are.
There is a forum on here for children of alcoholics- you might be able to get better support with them. You'll get a lot of support here, too.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear done11, I know that many will disagree with me, here---but, I would talk to her when she is the most sober. I'm thinking about YOU. Of course, she is going to be defensive because she is in deeeep denial and desperately trying to preserve her ability to drink.
You have the right to put words to your feelings when you have been hurt so close to your core. If she has the freedom to hurt you---YOU should have the freedom to say that you were hurt. Will she change her actions---probably not--at least not now. She may remember it one day--way down the road---there is no way to know for sure.
If it can help you feel better--I say "do it".
Also, when I leave, I would leave a copy of the BIG BOOK by her bedside an sign it with love. (That is just me) kind of like the Bible left in hotel rooms.
One never knows.
sincerely, dandylion
You have the right to put words to your feelings when you have been hurt so close to your core. If she has the freedom to hurt you---YOU should have the freedom to say that you were hurt. Will she change her actions---probably not--at least not now. She may remember it one day--way down the road---there is no way to know for sure.
If it can help you feel better--I say "do it".
Also, when I leave, I would leave a copy of the BIG BOOK by her bedside an sign it with love. (That is just me) kind of like the Bible left in hotel rooms.
One never knows.
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I think you have answered your own question - she is defensive, and argumentative. No one can road map for you how to have a conversation with her which won't turn into an argument. I have a feeling that confronting her will only turn into you feeling worse, her saying worse things....I just don't see you getting out of this what you want which is acknowledgement that what she said is wrong, and hurtful.
What you can do is to choose NOT to allow her to hurt you anymore. You have already made that choice by choosing not to have a relationship with her since you were 18. Last night is a painful reminder that things have not changed. She is still the same. You on the other hand have gone on with life.
For me I would have to leave. No way would I subject myself to insults and the ramblings of an alcoholic. As HopefulmomtoD said - what are your boundaries when it comes to your mom? What are you willing to put up with? Not - "how can I make her different'? It simply doesn't work that way.
((((hugs)))) and sorry - alcoholism sucks.
What you can do is to choose NOT to allow her to hurt you anymore. You have already made that choice by choosing not to have a relationship with her since you were 18. Last night is a painful reminder that things have not changed. She is still the same. You on the other hand have gone on with life.
For me I would have to leave. No way would I subject myself to insults and the ramblings of an alcoholic. As HopefulmomtoD said - what are your boundaries when it comes to your mom? What are you willing to put up with? Not - "how can I make her different'? It simply doesn't work that way.
((((hugs)))) and sorry - alcoholism sucks.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 211
If it were me, I would pack up and leave too. Since when is visiting your mother freeloading??? 
You do not deserve to be treated that way--whether she remembers it or not.
Sorry you are going through this.
You do not deserve to be treated that way--whether she remembers it or not.
Sorry you are going through this.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Somerset no
Posts: 10
Hi done11
I am new to this site just joined like you day 10 sober and just got hurt deeply once again from my mother she was always active alcoholic and prescription drug user my whole life. Right now taking time for myself for the first time using boundries never did before not using alcohol thinking I have it all together, resting exercising and probably eating too much but one step at a time. Give yourself some time be good to yourself treat yourself well and sometime to think what you want. Lets keep in touch and help each other. Have a great day
I am new to this site just joined like you day 10 sober and just got hurt deeply once again from my mother she was always active alcoholic and prescription drug user my whole life. Right now taking time for myself for the first time using boundries never did before not using alcohol thinking I have it all together, resting exercising and probably eating too much but one step at a time. Give yourself some time be good to yourself treat yourself well and sometime to think what you want. Lets keep in touch and help each other. Have a great day
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
If you can get the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, read the January 4th reading. It talks about separating from family issues. We do not have to take on our family's issues to show we love them. We do not have to get pulled back in when they exhibit their behaviors. We can give their stuff back to them, and focus on our own self care.
I would not stay as a guest in that house if that had happened to me. I do not give anyone, even a parent, permission to hurt me. I used to, but not anymore. There is not much you can say to an active A, except to tell her you love her but choose to keep a distance when she is drinking.
I'm sorry this happened to you. We all get so sick of being let down. But we have to pick ourselves up and keep taking care of us.
I would not stay as a guest in that house if that had happened to me. I do not give anyone, even a parent, permission to hurt me. I used to, but not anymore. There is not much you can say to an active A, except to tell her you love her but choose to keep a distance when she is drinking.
I'm sorry this happened to you. We all get so sick of being let down. But we have to pick ourselves up and keep taking care of us.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Something I have read here that makes a lot of sense is to sit down and write a letter about how you feel. Get all your emotions and feelings and sense of hurt and abandonment out on the paper.
Don't send it because it really isn't for her, it's for you.
I have done something similar to this by writing in a journal. It is really a great way to get those emotions out in the sunlight where they can finally start to heal.
Your friend,
Don't send it because it really isn't for her, it's for you.
I have done something similar to this by writing in a journal. It is really a great way to get those emotions out in the sunlight where they can finally start to heal.
Your friend,
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