Ghostly

Just looking for some thoughts on how to handle this situation with my sister.

For years my sister battled numerous addictions including crack and alcohol. Our family went through the typical hell associated with that. She was lucky enough to get inpatient treatment and turned her life around. Has a job and her own place and was a great success. She had some slips (alcohol only), but it didn’t seem major. During her time in treatment I told her this was her chance, and if she went back to her old ways I would not allow her in my life. I have a young daughter and told my sister I didn’t want her in my daughter’s life if she went back to drugs and alcohol.

So for the last few months I knew she was back to drinking. She is a couple hours away, and my contact with her is via phone or every few weeks at a family get together. I would get the typical non sensical stupid rambling phone calls from her at night. I didn’t want the confrontation so I let it go, or just avoided talking to her.

Last night I finally confronted her. Asked her if she was going to try to give sobriety a chance again. Of course, I got attacked for any suggestion she should go back to sobriety. Her story is she drinks beer several times a week. Stays away from hard liquor and will never do crack again. It ended with me telling her at this point I did not want contact with her until she gets sober, and her hanging up on me (of course).

I’m not an idiot, and know that my sister cannot moderate her drinking. Even if she is being completely honest about her current consumption, it will keep increasing. Maybe it will never get back to using drugs, but the alcohol consumption will get back to non-functional levels.

Here is my issue: At this point she is functioning. She supports herself. Is it my business that she drinks? Did I give my sobriety ultimatum too soon? I understand we need to set out own boundaries, but I’m second guessing myself on this one. Other than the stupid phone calls, she hasn’t put our family under recent stress.

The thing that pisses me off is when she was sober, I got to see that smart witty funny her again. I got to see the sister I grew up with. Now its back to that other person. She was given such a great gift with the treatment and housing…and now is throwing it away.

I would really appreciate feedback. I find this part of SR brutally honest and very helpful.

Hammer

I do not see where/what you did is wrong. You do not want to talk to a drunk, babbling sister -- neither would/do I when Mrs. Hammer does her Emotional Dyregulation rants. Sorry, just not doing that little dance with her. I do not think you need do that with your sister, either.

These are good things.

Nope. And mighty fine of you to know that.

Your boundaries are about . . . . YOU! That is why they are called YOUR boundaries.

(wow, cannot believe this -- I am some years into this and FINALLY to understand this. Thank you, Ghostly)

If your boundaries include Not Talking To Drunken Sisters (which sound like Very Fine Boundaries to me), I do not think you shouldl feel like you have to talk to Drunken Sisters.

On a more funny note, I would be musing about changing my voice mail message to include, "Please leave a message, or if you are my drunken sister, please call back when you are sober."


Yeah. I remember Mrs. Hammer in better days, too. Had not thought about it. Makes me a little teary. I guess that is grief, huh? [my inner Al-Alon meeting is whispering to me -- "Let Go and Let God" -- maybe the same to you].

Recovering2

I wouldn't minimize this. She's drinking, so she is not in recovery. You acknowledge that it will get worse again. You have a child to think about. Sounds like she hasn't been a stress because you've set boundaries. You have to keep boundaries when you set them, or the A learns they don't have to respect them. You're right in that her drinking is her business. Your need to detach from her drinking is your business...and your right. I would stick with your No Contact, if she wants contact with her family bad enough she'll get sober. Doesn't look like she's there.
I have an alcoholic brother I love with all my heart. I have minimal contact with him, I told him several years ago that I couldn't be part of his life while he was drinking. Nothing has changed, so that's my answer. Let go and let God.

debbiesday

She decided she didn't want to hear you, there is nothing else you can do. Silence is golden in this, and the lasting action was her making the decision to end the talk with you. I hope you find it in you each day to stay strong, she doesn't want to hear you, her anger is her knowing what you are saying is not far off, if not right on the situation.
Tough love a lot of times seems most tough on the ones who have to stand strong.

Sorry I feel you are hurt as you love her she is your sister. Remember you, you matter too.

Ghostly

I just feel like I need some support and get opinions on what to do.

So, I have started several Threads about my sis. This time I just thought I'd add on to this one. Just an update, she lives a couple hours away. Since the incident described in the first post in this Thread, things kinda continued on that path. Very little contact with my sis. Some texts and occasionally I'll see her at some family events. Very few phone calls (maybe two?) or other contact.

She had been working and doing well with that. However she got hurt months ago and has been missing work, and my parents have had to help her out financially. it does sound like this is a legitimate injury and she wants to return to work if she can.

She most likely is drinking a lot, and probably mixing with scripts, at least sleeping pills.

I have two daughters and more or less ignore my sis, as I need my attention to be on my family and not my drunken sister.

So here's where we are. She tells me she is sick. Doctor can not figure out what it is. Gained 25 pounds and has a big hard stomach. She sent me a pic and it looks bad. Well, my thought is to say something like, "Gee, could it be all the alcohol you drink on a daily basis? If only someone would have told you, like in that in house treatment facility you went through, or at the half way house when you got out, that alcohol is bad for you and can hurt you." "If only, then you would have known and maybe you would have stopped." Just to clarify, that would be sarcasm towards her cuz obviously she is aware alcohol can hurt her and has continued. So now, she wants people to feel sorry for her.

That probably wouldn't go over well. So what is my responsibility here? Try to have a serious talk with her about drinking and see if you will get help (she won't)? Make sure she has been honest with her alcohol consumption to her doctor? Just stay out of it and hope she gets help? Something else?

I just don't like this, and I feel guilty to do nothing.

hopeful4

Suggest to her she be very honest about her drinking to her dr. Thats all you can do.

So sorry...

chicory

You could call her and wish her well, Ghostly. It may not be alcohol related, or it may be, but regardless, if you want to talk to her, do so.

You have to do what you can live with. If it is something serious, other than drinking, you might wish you had spoken with her.

I have sisters, one who is a pain, but I love her, and I want never to have regrets about any way I dealt with her. Not saying you need to be pulled in to any alcoholic shenanigans, of course.

It never hurts to tell someone we love them and care, but sometimes we miss our chance.

hope she is ok, and gets the help she needs.

Ghostly

Thanks for the responses. I guess its just a tight rope walk. You try to stay in the middle and not fall off either side.

In the past, the advice I got was to stick to my boundaries. To not put up with drunken phone calls if that is a line I set.

See, in the farther back past, I actually posted here asking for thoughts on buying her a car because then she could maybe get a job and maybe get help for drinking and crack addiction. Someone wisely pointed out the ridiculousness of me buying a car for an active alcoholic that has no responsibilities. My thought was that it could be a last ditch effort to help her, and I didn't want to live with knowing I didn't do what I can.

I learned that I cannot control her behavior and it isn't my fault. That I need to focus on my family and if she decides to get help, to support her. However, if she doesn't that I need to distance myself from her.

Now, it seems the suggestion is to take more of a role in helping her.

I get that though. That is the tight rope. Don't get knocked off by being dragged down by an alcoholic. Don't fall off the other side with regret for doing nothing. Try to help, but keep distance.

Uggh....its just so hard cuz she listens to nothing. Everything is someone elses fault.

Ok, sorry to ramble. Just thinking this out as I write. I have no one to talk to about this so its difficult.

mysocalledlife

Sorry you are going through this ghostly. I felt terribly guilty when I left my partner and refused to come home but you have to accept that you are powerless over your sister's drinking.no matter what you do or how much you try to help she will only get sober when she wants to. We can't make our loved ones sober or keep them sober. Some terrible things happened to my partner when I left my home but it wasn't my fault it was him drinking that was causing the chaos. He used to get so sick vomitting blood and as soon as he was a little better he'd be straight back drinking. im happy to say my partner is now sober for over a year I hope your sister can get sober too and realise what a great sister she has who just wants the best for her.

BunnyNest

My loved one was not honest about what the doctors were saying to him this point in the progression.

I'll be honest with you, it could be a lot of things, but with my loved one, I knew similar symptoms were serious.

I made the decision at that point to maintain minimal contact, on my terms I guess. Prior to that, I had been no contact. I replied to texts that weren't angry texts, and kept it light and always included an "I love you." I deleted and ignored the ranting texts. I was sweet and loving, but detached because it was out of my control.

I didn't want to have any regrets.

I really hate addiction.

SeriousKarma

Your responsibility is only to yourself and your children.

You have no responsibility toward your sister. I know that sounds harsh, but think of it like a contract. Because of her addiction she is either unwilling or unable to uphold her end of the contract, thus rendering it null and void.

I know that sounds harsh.

My point is simply that if you can frame this in black and white "contractual" terms, then maybe you can more easily move forward on the bigger question of what to do regarding your relationship with her.

If you have no "responsibility" then it really comes down to the questions of 1) What are you willing to do? and 2) What are you comfortable doing?

The answer might be nothing, and that would be fine. You have no responsibility. The answer might be something small, such as weekly or monthly phone calls at set times. The answer might be only seeing her at family functions, when others are around to distract from any drama. Or yearly birthday and Christmas cards. It's entirely up to you.

Try and figure out what you're comfortable with without the concept of responsibility attached to it. Maybe that will help move the process forward.

Ghostly, I think the problem of siblings with addiction is one of the most complicated and under appreciated issues out there. You carry a heavy load. Please know how much I'm thinking of you. ((((((( hugs )))))))

readerbaby71

Don't second-guess yourself. Your boundaries are your boundaries and you are protecting yourself and your daughter from unnecessary pain and drama. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's painful to see those we love struggle with addiction.