Which way to go?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 3
Which way to go?
My addict boyfriend of a year and a half and I met while working in Florida (I'm from NY, he's from LA). In the beginning he mentioned that he had a "small" drug episode with OxyContin a year before we met. He told me it was just for a little while, and he was never addicted. I, like a stupid girl, believed him. I didn't know much about how truly addictive they are ( few months before I met him I was in a bad car accident and was prescribed said pills. After my prescription ran out, never thought about them again. Even had some left over that I completely forgot about).
6 months ago, we decided to move to California for a little while so he can show me around since I had never been.
Last week, out of nowhere , he came out and told me and his parents that he's been smoking heroin for the past 3 months.
I was in shock! I kept saying that he was lying to me, and this cannot be true. I had never been around an addict before , so I didn't realize until then what all those little signs actually meant.
His behavior wasn't different at all. He was just tired a lot and kept complaining about body aches.
The next morning his dad drove him to a detox center and I haven't seen him since. He called me 2 days ago and asked what was my take on him joining a 90 day program in the sober house .
I told him I am supportive of it, and am glad that he's on the right path to recovery.
Now ,apart from the fact that I find myself dwelling on the past and keep asking myself "why", I'm not sure of which way to go.
I am all alone here, have no friends and family , they're all back east. He's all I had here in California. I don't know if I should stay and wait for him to get back, or I should just go home and start my life over.
I love him so much , but I don't know if this is ever going to end for him , and also don't know if this is something I could deal with for the rest of my life. On the other hand, I'm scared if I do leave, I might stand in the way of his recovery.
Any thoughts on how many people actually get past the heroin addiction? He's only 22, could mean he's young enough to get past this, or have a full life of addiction ahead of him
.
I thought we were happy, making plans to travel the world....now he threw everything down the drain.
Sorry for the long thread, my thoughts and emotions are all over the place.
6 months ago, we decided to move to California for a little while so he can show me around since I had never been.
Last week, out of nowhere , he came out and told me and his parents that he's been smoking heroin for the past 3 months.
I was in shock! I kept saying that he was lying to me, and this cannot be true. I had never been around an addict before , so I didn't realize until then what all those little signs actually meant.
His behavior wasn't different at all. He was just tired a lot and kept complaining about body aches.
The next morning his dad drove him to a detox center and I haven't seen him since. He called me 2 days ago and asked what was my take on him joining a 90 day program in the sober house .
I told him I am supportive of it, and am glad that he's on the right path to recovery.
Now ,apart from the fact that I find myself dwelling on the past and keep asking myself "why", I'm not sure of which way to go.
I am all alone here, have no friends and family , they're all back east. He's all I had here in California. I don't know if I should stay and wait for him to get back, or I should just go home and start my life over.
I love him so much , but I don't know if this is ever going to end for him , and also don't know if this is something I could deal with for the rest of my life. On the other hand, I'm scared if I do leave, I might stand in the way of his recovery.
Any thoughts on how many people actually get past the heroin addiction? He's only 22, could mean he's young enough to get past this, or have a full life of addiction ahead of him
. I thought we were happy, making plans to travel the world....now he threw everything down the drain.
Sorry for the long thread, my thoughts and emotions are all over the place.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Pine Grove, PA
Posts: 146
Once an addict always an addict--the addiction is never cured, we can only put in remission.
Make a decision and start your journey, he may join you or he may not that will be his decision. This is your journey/life not someone else's.
Make a decision and start your journey, he may join you or he may not that will be his decision. This is your journey/life not someone else's.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
If you were my daughter, I'd tell you to come home and be with safe people and support.
It's all very romantic to dream of seeing the world, but there comes a time to face the reality that your world will be quite dark living with addiction.
If he gets clean and stays clean, he knows where to find you. In the meantime please do not give up your life trying to save his. If love could save an addict, not one of us would be here.
Good luck girl, go home and heal.
Just my thoughts, since you asked.
Hugs
It's all very romantic to dream of seeing the world, but there comes a time to face the reality that your world will be quite dark living with addiction.
If he gets clean and stays clean, he knows where to find you. In the meantime please do not give up your life trying to save his. If love could save an addict, not one of us would be here.
Good luck girl, go home and heal.
Just my thoughts, since you asked.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 577
I would say some meetings for you would be a good idea....the world of addiction is bewildering to say the least. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. These people have been through and/or are going through some of the exact same things you are & can help you deal
Meetings | Nar-Anon Family Groups
good luck, keep coming back here!
Meetings | Nar-Anon Family Groups
good luck, keep coming back here!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
You don't have to make any decisions today. It's ok if you sit and think (and pray if that's something you do) on this for a bit.
If you decide that you'd like to stick around to see how it plays out for a while, I would strongly suggest that you pick up Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More". This book will help you identify whether or not you are codependent. I would also suggest that you (and his parents) consider attending Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings. It will help you understand the program he is going through (if it is 12 step based) and speak the same language.
Our lives are simply a series of choices weaved together. And no single choice is permanent....it is just another choice in the fabric of our lives. (Hmmmmmmm sounds like a commercial for cotton, doesn't it?). And those choices can bring us much joy or much anguish.....but always it will teach us something.
I'm sorry that you're dealing with the surprise of finding out that your bf is addicted. How many people can get past addiction to heroin? It doesn't matter.....because statistics aren't going to tell you whether your bf will be able to wrangle this demon. A better question is....are you prepared to be a part of the uncertainty that addiction will bring into your life?
Welcome to SR....there's lots of information here that may help you come to a decision on how you'd like to proceed.
gentle hugs
ke
If you decide that you'd like to stick around to see how it plays out for a while, I would strongly suggest that you pick up Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More". This book will help you identify whether or not you are codependent. I would also suggest that you (and his parents) consider attending Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings. It will help you understand the program he is going through (if it is 12 step based) and speak the same language.
Our lives are simply a series of choices weaved together. And no single choice is permanent....it is just another choice in the fabric of our lives. (Hmmmmmmm sounds like a commercial for cotton, doesn't it?). And those choices can bring us much joy or much anguish.....but always it will teach us something.
I'm sorry that you're dealing with the surprise of finding out that your bf is addicted. How many people can get past addiction to heroin? It doesn't matter.....because statistics aren't going to tell you whether your bf will be able to wrangle this demon. A better question is....are you prepared to be a part of the uncertainty that addiction will bring into your life?
Welcome to SR....there's lots of information here that may help you come to a decision on how you'd like to proceed.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Sorry you are finding yourself in this very confusing and scary place in your life. I think if you find a place for you, al-anon, nar-anon, a county mental health support group, a counselor it may help you wrap your mind around what you are dealing with.
And as kindeyes said, you don't have to make any decision right now.
The one thing I can tell you is that, if you leave or stay YOUR decision really has nothing at all to do with his addiction/recovery. We often think ourselves into believing that WE have some kind of power over THEIR outcome.
This is a great site and you'll gain allot of insight and support.
((hugs))
And as kindeyes said, you don't have to make any decision right now.
The one thing I can tell you is that, if you leave or stay YOUR decision really has nothing at all to do with his addiction/recovery. We often think ourselves into believing that WE have some kind of power over THEIR outcome.
This is a great site and you'll gain allot of insight and support.
((hugs))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 3
Thank you all for the kind and supportive words. I have been reading a lot on this site since I found out and it has made me realize a bit more how this addiction is a horrible lifelong struggle.
I did think for a second that it couldn't be that bad since he is smoking the heroin and not using needles, but after reading a lot of stuff online, I now understand it doesn't really matter what drug it is or how they use it. It's still an addiction.
We live with his mother an she has been a tremendous support. I do feel bad at times that she is worrying about me and think that she should be focusing on herself.
My family doesn't know anything about this as I feel that I don't want to burden them with this issue. Also I know my mother would try and convince me to leave all this behind and come home. I am her baby after all, and she cannot stand knowing I'm suffering even for a minute.
His mom and I decided to go to a al anon meeting this Monday , since there aren't that many nar anon meetings in our area.
The thing that frightens me the most is a relapse. His dad has been struggling with addiction all of his life ( top reason his parents divorced ) and has only been clean for a few months now.
It's hard to understand why he would choose the same path as his own dad... I've seen many times how his father's relapses have directly affected him emotionally ...
I will check back in after our meeting. I know he is in a 12 step program and I have to familiarize myself with it. Like I said before, I am so new to this whole world...
I did think for a second that it couldn't be that bad since he is smoking the heroin and not using needles, but after reading a lot of stuff online, I now understand it doesn't really matter what drug it is or how they use it. It's still an addiction.
We live with his mother an she has been a tremendous support. I do feel bad at times that she is worrying about me and think that she should be focusing on herself.
My family doesn't know anything about this as I feel that I don't want to burden them with this issue. Also I know my mother would try and convince me to leave all this behind and come home. I am her baby after all, and she cannot stand knowing I'm suffering even for a minute.
His mom and I decided to go to a al anon meeting this Monday , since there aren't that many nar anon meetings in our area.
The thing that frightens me the most is a relapse. His dad has been struggling with addiction all of his life ( top reason his parents divorced ) and has only been clean for a few months now.
It's hard to understand why he would choose the same path as his own dad... I've seen many times how his father's relapses have directly affected him emotionally ...
I will check back in after our meeting. I know he is in a 12 step program and I have to familiarize myself with it. Like I said before, I am so new to this whole world...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Providence, RI
Posts: 5
My advice to you andreotti is to go home please. If you have supportive family, please go home. I cannot stress this enough. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. You gave your heart to this guy and then find out he's smoking heroin is stunning to you I'm sure. You cannot fix this addiction. You cannot love him out of it no matter how much you think you can. Addicts love their high more than anything in the world. If he is serious about getting clean he will and he and you can have a chance again down the road after you see that he is over that. Opiates are the devils tools to destroy lives, believe me when I say this I am not trying to be mean to you but you really need to leave that alone right now. Please, please go home. Save yourself a ton of heartache.
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