Looking for encouragement, or anything at this point.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Tacoma, Wa
Posts: 2
Looking for encouragement, or anything at this point.
I havent posted on the board before but I've been reading on here for a long time. I just have finally come to a point that I dont know what to do anymore and Im looking for some insight.
I have been dealing with my AB for the last eight months and finally in Jan he decided to take the steps to get out of the lifestyle. We dont have a lot of money so he had to go through the state to get help and it took a LONG time to get any answers at all. Jan and feb raced by with him calling in every day to get help and being turned down on a daily basis. His using got worse and was ready to give up on the whole situation. I tried my best to stay strong for the both of us but it was killing me on the inside. Finally about two weeks ago he got a bed date for this last sunday (march 17th) to go to detox then a 28 day program. The last few days have been horrible as every time I talked to him things got worse and worse. He wanted to come home, not to use, but to be able to have a cigarette. THE ONLY COMPLAINT HE HAD WAS NOT BEING ABLE TO SMOKE :/. He had promised me on the phone that he would at least finish detox(1.5 more days),but at 10pm last night my door flew open and he was home again.
My heart was broken. I expressed to him that hes giving up on being able to have a clean life and that it was going to stall his recovery. I also explained to him that I would let him stay there for the night but we would have a serious conversation in the morning. I didnt know what else to do. After talking a lot last night about why I wanted him to COMPLETE treatment because I wasnt comfortable with him not having the tools and support, outside of me, to help him get through the tough road ahead. He forced himself to go to bed, and I tried to do the same.
This morning I woke up to him still sleeping on the floor and I was broken. I went outside to smoke real fast and he found me out there. He asked for my phone (I took his away when he tried taking it to detox) and I asked why. "Just a few phone calls," of course by this time I think hes trying to score again. I hand over my phone so I could at least know what his mind was thinking and just listen. He called the rehab facility that he was supposed to be taken to tomorrow. After spending a half hour on the phone with them, pleading his case, they told him to be there by three.
I dropped him off and he got all the paperwork done for intake and I knew he was in a safe place. He called me about an hour ago and sounded happy, and excited for everything, but I still feel like its not going to work out.
Im sorry for the LONG post but I'm really going through a lot right now and just need advise. Has anyone been in this position before? Any help, ideas, or even ways to get my mind off of him would be great. I know hes going through a lot and I'm trying to be supportive, but I need support right now too
.
I have been dealing with my AB for the last eight months and finally in Jan he decided to take the steps to get out of the lifestyle. We dont have a lot of money so he had to go through the state to get help and it took a LONG time to get any answers at all. Jan and feb raced by with him calling in every day to get help and being turned down on a daily basis. His using got worse and was ready to give up on the whole situation. I tried my best to stay strong for the both of us but it was killing me on the inside. Finally about two weeks ago he got a bed date for this last sunday (march 17th) to go to detox then a 28 day program. The last few days have been horrible as every time I talked to him things got worse and worse. He wanted to come home, not to use, but to be able to have a cigarette. THE ONLY COMPLAINT HE HAD WAS NOT BEING ABLE TO SMOKE :/. He had promised me on the phone that he would at least finish detox(1.5 more days),but at 10pm last night my door flew open and he was home again.
My heart was broken. I expressed to him that hes giving up on being able to have a clean life and that it was going to stall his recovery. I also explained to him that I would let him stay there for the night but we would have a serious conversation in the morning. I didnt know what else to do. After talking a lot last night about why I wanted him to COMPLETE treatment because I wasnt comfortable with him not having the tools and support, outside of me, to help him get through the tough road ahead. He forced himself to go to bed, and I tried to do the same.
This morning I woke up to him still sleeping on the floor and I was broken. I went outside to smoke real fast and he found me out there. He asked for my phone (I took his away when he tried taking it to detox) and I asked why. "Just a few phone calls," of course by this time I think hes trying to score again. I hand over my phone so I could at least know what his mind was thinking and just listen. He called the rehab facility that he was supposed to be taken to tomorrow. After spending a half hour on the phone with them, pleading his case, they told him to be there by three.
I dropped him off and he got all the paperwork done for intake and I knew he was in a safe place. He called me about an hour ago and sounded happy, and excited for everything, but I still feel like its not going to work out.
Im sorry for the LONG post but I'm really going through a lot right now and just need advise. Has anyone been in this position before? Any help, ideas, or even ways to get my mind off of him would be great. I know hes going through a lot and I'm trying to be supportive, but I need support right now too
.
Grateful Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: MI
Posts: 1,080
You are absolutely right, you DO need support.
I'm SO GLAD he went to inpatient and was positive about it. Thats awesome!
I wish for you to make boundaries of your own, and take care of yourself first though. I know it sounds impossible, but please trust me.
I'm SO GLAD he went to inpatient and was positive about it. Thats awesome!
I wish for you to make boundaries of your own, and take care of yourself first though. I know it sounds impossible, but please trust me.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
My best advice at this point is to try a few things:
1) Practice whatever healthy technique is useful for relieving stress....yoga, deep breathing, hot baths, a funny movie, a long walk, a visit to the museum, reading, creating,....whatever works for you....DO IT.
2) Try very hard just to take things one day at a time. When you find your mind wandering into the future, worrying and fretting, bring yourself back to the present moment and then see #1 above.
Remember that worrying will not change the outcome, so there really is no point to it. Live in the present. Enjoy today.
3) Now is a good time to hit up some Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings, stay after and make some new friends and even get a sponsor. This can be a real life-saver.
4) Journal about YOU... get in touch with your feelings and write them all down. Do this daily.
5) Get LOTS of sleep. Take naps. Turn off the phone and get to bed extra early.
That's a good start. Really focus on you right now and what you can do to recharge your own batteries. Be proactive in taking care of yourself. He's safe for now so take advantage of this time!! (((Hugs)))
1) Practice whatever healthy technique is useful for relieving stress....yoga, deep breathing, hot baths, a funny movie, a long walk, a visit to the museum, reading, creating,....whatever works for you....DO IT.
2) Try very hard just to take things one day at a time. When you find your mind wandering into the future, worrying and fretting, bring yourself back to the present moment and then see #1 above.
Remember that worrying will not change the outcome, so there really is no point to it. Live in the present. Enjoy today.3) Now is a good time to hit up some Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings, stay after and make some new friends and even get a sponsor. This can be a real life-saver.
4) Journal about YOU... get in touch with your feelings and write them all down. Do this daily.
5) Get LOTS of sleep. Take naps. Turn off the phone and get to bed extra early.
That's a good start. Really focus on you right now and what you can do to recharge your own batteries. Be proactive in taking care of yourself. He's safe for now so take advantage of this time!! (((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR.....I hope you find the support you need here.
I'm glad to hear that he is in treatment now and safe. You can breathe........deep breath....
While he is in rehab, this is a great opportunity to get some help and support for yourself too. Luckily, the area you live in has many opportunities for Nar-Anon meetings (with more to come). Most places don't have that many so lots of folks go to Al-Anon meetings instead. At those meetings you will find support for YOU but in a format that is very much like your boyfriend will be dealing with while in treatment (12 step based). You'll be able to learn the language of recovery so that you can be on the same "wave length" that he is if you choose to go to meetings.
I do understand how difficult it is to get State based assistance for treatment so kudos to your boyfriend for sticking with it until he found a place to go! It's not very common that an addict will stick with it long enough to get in so relax and give him some credit for doing what many do not.
I'm glad you found us. Stick around. Read. Post. Ask questions and be prepared to learn a lot about addiction and yourself. Addiction is a family disease and it affects everyone who is close to the addict.
gentle hugs
ke
I'm glad to hear that he is in treatment now and safe. You can breathe........deep breath....
While he is in rehab, this is a great opportunity to get some help and support for yourself too. Luckily, the area you live in has many opportunities for Nar-Anon meetings (with more to come). Most places don't have that many so lots of folks go to Al-Anon meetings instead. At those meetings you will find support for YOU but in a format that is very much like your boyfriend will be dealing with while in treatment (12 step based). You'll be able to learn the language of recovery so that you can be on the same "wave length" that he is if you choose to go to meetings.
I do understand how difficult it is to get State based assistance for treatment so kudos to your boyfriend for sticking with it until he found a place to go! It's not very common that an addict will stick with it long enough to get in so relax and give him some credit for doing what many do not.
I'm glad you found us. Stick around. Read. Post. Ask questions and be prepared to learn a lot about addiction and yourself. Addiction is a family disease and it affects everyone who is close to the addict.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Tacoma, Wa
Posts: 2
Thank you so much for your advise and help, it left a positive thought in my head, which i desperately needed.
He's thankfully still continuing treatment, as far as I know... but giving me every reason in the book on why he needs to leave. He has had a bad tooth for a long time and its really hurting him because he cant take anything for it. It got to the point he asked me to sneak him something in there during my visitation tomorrow so he could get through until Monday. Of course I said no! then he let me know he cant take it anymore and asked when I would be home, I told him I wasnt going home tonight because I need sleep and I wont be able to sleep if Im sitting there waiting for him to walk in the door again. He said he wasnt going to be able to take it any more and that he was going to leave. I informed him if he did not to contact me again and if he shows up while im not home my neightbor has been informed to call the cops. I'm very proud of myself for standing my ground but im super scared at this point again. I have finally realized that he is going to keep using every excuse he can to be able to leave, first it was being able to smoke, now its his tooth, whasts next. I'm done. I'm done caring, worring about him, and taking care of him. I just want to walk away at this point but I want to support him while hes in since hes doing the right thing. its a different day but im still as lost as I was when I first found out about everything. Im just crossing my fingers and saying my prayers right now that he makes it to tommorrow. Me visiting him is still up in the air because of how frustrated I am but I knowifI dont then he will leave, no question.
Sorry about the long post, just wanted to give an update and get everything out of my brain because there arent a lot of people I can talk to about the situation.
He's thankfully still continuing treatment, as far as I know... but giving me every reason in the book on why he needs to leave. He has had a bad tooth for a long time and its really hurting him because he cant take anything for it. It got to the point he asked me to sneak him something in there during my visitation tomorrow so he could get through until Monday. Of course I said no! then he let me know he cant take it anymore and asked when I would be home, I told him I wasnt going home tonight because I need sleep and I wont be able to sleep if Im sitting there waiting for him to walk in the door again. He said he wasnt going to be able to take it any more and that he was going to leave. I informed him if he did not to contact me again and if he shows up while im not home my neightbor has been informed to call the cops. I'm very proud of myself for standing my ground but im super scared at this point again. I have finally realized that he is going to keep using every excuse he can to be able to leave, first it was being able to smoke, now its his tooth, whasts next. I'm done. I'm done caring, worring about him, and taking care of him. I just want to walk away at this point but I want to support him while hes in since hes doing the right thing. its a different day but im still as lost as I was when I first found out about everything. Im just crossing my fingers and saying my prayers right now that he makes it to tommorrow. Me visiting him is still up in the air because of how frustrated I am but I knowifI dont then he will leave, no question.
Sorry about the long post, just wanted to give an update and get everything out of my brain because there arent a lot of people I can talk to about the situation.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
I was reading your post the other day and I almost replied just to offer a warning that your brother might begin to have doubts about rehab.
Personally I would try not to get too upset. My husband went through this stage also. I think it is kinda common. For me I know it seemed like it should be a simple choice for him to stay, but after I talked to his primary doctor about it, then I began to see it more from my husbands perspective.
No matter how much a person wants to be clean, it is still a difficult process. It is unsettling, strange environment with people you don't know, rules to follow, loss of freedom, loss of control. The body is still dealing with effects of the drugs, therapy sessions bring out feelings, and the loss of the drugs allows these feelings to be felt! It is not easy. My husband was in a fairly lenient and what some would call a "plushy" rehab & he still had complaints.
It passed with time. Although be did get hit with it again later- thinking maybe he was ok and didn't need the whole amount they suggested. Again he stayed. He completed it.
In my husbands case, I tried my best to support his recovery efforts. I communicated with him regularly, went to see him, took our little boy. I wanted to see him, and I also wanted him to realize he was a father, was doing this for himself, and to end up being the man & the dad he always wanted to be.
I found it best to stay calm, acknowledge the discomfort but point to the ultimate goal. I tried to stand firm with my own beliefs, and remain consistent with my actions.
If you do go visit, I would suggest checking with the rehab to see if they offer any special family sessions, or the use of a therapist. I never did outside meetings, but my husband's rehab assigned me a therapist and she was a great help. She explained all about the addiction issues, my husbands treatment plan, helped me work through my own issues. She was my go to person during his time there.
Will send up a prayer for you and your brother - "may his feet stay on rehab ground....."
Personally I would try not to get too upset. My husband went through this stage also. I think it is kinda common. For me I know it seemed like it should be a simple choice for him to stay, but after I talked to his primary doctor about it, then I began to see it more from my husbands perspective.
No matter how much a person wants to be clean, it is still a difficult process. It is unsettling, strange environment with people you don't know, rules to follow, loss of freedom, loss of control. The body is still dealing with effects of the drugs, therapy sessions bring out feelings, and the loss of the drugs allows these feelings to be felt! It is not easy. My husband was in a fairly lenient and what some would call a "plushy" rehab & he still had complaints.
It passed with time. Although be did get hit with it again later- thinking maybe he was ok and didn't need the whole amount they suggested. Again he stayed. He completed it.
In my husbands case, I tried my best to support his recovery efforts. I communicated with him regularly, went to see him, took our little boy. I wanted to see him, and I also wanted him to realize he was a father, was doing this for himself, and to end up being the man & the dad he always wanted to be.
I found it best to stay calm, acknowledge the discomfort but point to the ultimate goal. I tried to stand firm with my own beliefs, and remain consistent with my actions.
If you do go visit, I would suggest checking with the rehab to see if they offer any special family sessions, or the use of a therapist. I never did outside meetings, but my husband's rehab assigned me a therapist and she was a great help. She explained all about the addiction issues, my husbands treatment plan, helped me work through my own issues. She was my go to person during his time there.
Will send up a prayer for you and your brother - "may his feet stay on rehab ground....."
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