luv2teachkids

I'd ask if it were normal...but I know it can't (and wouldn't) be normal...

So my AH has been in a great mood with me all day long. However, both of us know he has two bottles of beer in his backpack leftover from his binge two nights ago. As I am getting ready to leave the house to get my kids, I made the dumbass mistake of asking what he was going to do with it. OF course, he told me he planned on drinking it tonight....rationalized by saying it was only two beers, not a big deal. The disappointment was clearly on my face...and he got annoyed with me. Suddenly I am his parent and he feels like I am telling him what he can/cannot do.

I backtracked...told him I apologized for even saying anything. Said it is his life, his choice to make. That didn't help though.

I left to get my kids, returned home, and asked him what he wanted for dinner. He told me he wasn't hungry and that I should just ask the kids. One child said he wasn't hungry, the other was on his way out the door to go to a friends. So, I decided to put it off for a bit. I ran to the mailbox (a block away) and when I return, I kid you not, he was in his room watching tv, eating a bunch of pretzels and a sandwich.

Now, honestly, I could care less..if you are hungry, eat. BUT..it is just the fact that I had just asked. I took one look at him, and out it flew, "SERIOUSLY?" Then of course, it instantly turned back to me being scolded for getting after him, a grown adult for having a "snack".

I can't win....

stella27

Y'all sound like you are locked in a power struggle over some pretty trivial things. Can you imagine yourself in a situation where you don't really care what he does? Like whether he eats a sandwich or doesn't isn't some kind of reflection on you?

luv2teachkids

Yes, I can..normally crap like that doesn't bother me at all.

I guess it just really got to me that I had been trying to figure out what to make and had asked him..then a few min. later he's eating. Silly, I admit.

I need to let go. The verbal abuse is just huge...even after just saying stuff over a stupid sandwich, I hear him in the other room talking about me as if I couldn't hear him. I went in there and apologized and told him I was out of line for going off. I then told him I just feel that lately in his eyes, I don't do or say anything right.

OF course, even that gets turned around on me. Now, I am telling him how he feels about me! I am reading his mind about his feelings. I tried to tell him that it was just how I felt, period. Then, I asked him, if how I feel isn't right, to please tell me how he feels for me. Why does he like me? Why does he want to be with me? Lately, I can't tell.

His answer, "I like you cus you tell me what to do."
That helped.

LexieCat

You need to learn how to stay out of these pointless discussions. He eats a sandwich. Probably because he is ticked about the comment about the beer. Yes, he's being a baby. Let him be a baby. The discussion that ensued was one you were never going to feel good about.

DETACH. What he eats is up to him. What he drinks is up to him.

What are YOU having for dinner?

luv2teachkids

Baby, he is.

I took the boys out to dinner. Then the kids and I did some shopping. We are home now for a bit. I'm exhausted, but was toying with the idea of going to an Alanon meeting tonight. Only thing that stinks is it starts at 8 and if I go, I have to leave the kids here, which I really don't like doing so much.

LexieCat

How old are your kiddos?

luv2teachkids

11 and 12. I have three stepkids too, but they do not live with us.

dandylion

alexand3rd, you know, of course, that this is really not about the sandwich. You would like to control his drinking. He wants to protect his ability to drink. The disease has control of him--at this point.

You are right when you say that you "can't win". There is no winning with this disease. Everyone, ultimately, loses. Including the kids.

Have you thought of going to alanon? You are going to need support as this is not going to magically go away.

sincerely, dandylion

dandylion

Oh, sorry. I see that you are going to alanon, already. Good move!!!

dandylion

luv2teachkids

Yes, I have thought of going..and do plan to. I attempted to go last week, but ended up in an AA meeting by mistake. All the meetings around here don't start until 8, which is rather late for me, but I am going to make an effort. I came home to drop the boys off so that I could go tonight, but saw the beer bottles in the garbage can. I am not going to leave my boys here if he has been drinking, and both have homework to still get done tonight.

I'll get there....I realize I need it.

LexieCat

The meetings usually only last about an hour. Maybe you could find another mom to swap a couple of hours with once a week? Offer to take her kids so she can go shopping or take a nap or something?

luv2teachkids

My kids are old enough to stay alone, but I just don't want to do it if he has been around and drinking. I don't usually offer to watch anyone else's kids just because I can't predict what things will be like in my own house at that time.

I am a teacher. I normally get home around 5....then dinner, homework, my own homework, laundry, then collapse. I will make time for it...My plan is to head to bed early tonight and make it a priority at least once a week from now on. I don't want to make excuses. It is something I def need.

Recovering2

A lot of AlAnon meetings have child care, check with the one you're thinking about attending.

LexieCat

Another thought would be to bring them with you. Usually there are empty rooms nearby (Sunday School classrooms, etc.)--they could bring their homework and do it while you attend the meeting. Or they could play videogames or something--anything that would keep them occupied for an hour.

You really don't need childcare for them at this age, as you noted--you just don't want to leave them home with him. I know lots of people bring their kids with them to AA meetings--they sit in the back and read or play videogames. Nobody minds as long as they are quiet. You might not want to bring them IN to the meeting, but as I said, there are usually empty rooms right down the hall.

AnvilheadII

way back in '87-88, I used to take my 3 yr old with me to meetings...I packed a "quiet" bag for her - barbies, coloring books and we had a talk before the meeting on what behavior was expected. she could either sit quietly beside me or we would leave. no running around messing with stuff. when I chaired meetings, she'd sit beside me at the desk at ANB (the AA hall, A New Beginning) and bang the gavel.

the only reason kids are discouraged from meetings is that some folks see it like free daycare and let their kids run wild and do NOTHING to alter the behavior. your kids are certainly old enough to attend.

23missb

I've been thinking of going to Al-Anon for years and I finally, FINALLY, just made it to my first one. For me, I made excuses in my own mind all the time. I can understand that 8 pm is late for some. I don't live in the city, so weekday evening meetings are not something I want to do in the winter and after driving home after a busy day, I really don't want to drive back into the city. So on Sunday, even though it's my "sleep in day", I drove clear to the other side/furthest side of the city because it was the only Al-Anon meeting on Sunday and I knew that I really, really needed to go for myself. Sometimes you just have to do it.

thislonelygirl

Frankly I dont see a problem with the meal issue.
Hes an adult not a child. He wanted a sandwich
Not a reason to fight at all
Now a real problem is when I have asked my ah what he wanted
Hours later drunk goes and buys fast food after i cooked. A waste