Court Hearing was this morning
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Court Hearing was this morning
and the Judge didn't show. Some severe medical reaction to a bite while on vacation. So they rescheduled the Hearing for AUGUST 12th. Unbelievable.
We provided a very stern but very honest Proposed Final Divorce Decree. My husband, however, provided the most dishonest, self-serving, punitive thing you could ever imagine.
My lawyer and my STBXAH's lawyer talked privately and we are going to do mediation starting soon with a marriage master mediator - usually a retired Judge who will understand the complexity of the issues we have to resolve.
To briefly recap my story for those of you who haven't been with me, I left my AH of almost 20 years last July 4th amidst the fireworks and the thunder after my credit card Fraud Squad called me because he had wire transferred over $1200 to a prostitute in Ghana. Packed a suitcase and my dog, and was gone before he knew it, filed for divorce within the week.
He had been a terrible emotionally abusive alcoholic and his porn addiction had grown to include on-line chats, encounters, texting, webcams, and he used it like a rapier against me saying I was inadequate and should learn from these prostitutes. That's the PG version. It was unbelievably awful, damaging. He's in his late 60's and I'm 62. People here told me about gaslighting and the Stockholm Syndrome, and that is what happened to me, I lost all sense of myself and almost lost myself. So with the help of SR and therapy and good friends and wonderful grown children, I've been slowly figuring out what happened to me, and slowly healing and letting go.
Since then, my AH has sent me divorce settlement proposal spreadsheet after spreadsheet filled with lunacy where he gets everything and I get the drain from the kitchen sink. Before it has been cleaned. I've threatened to go back to our house where he lives and use them as wallpaper.
My son took me to lunch after the non-Hearing, and I realized two things.
1. If AH had been able to write a fair and honest Proposal for Divorce Decree, it would have meant that he wasn't the abusive destructive hateful man he was, and we might have had a decent marriage. I wouldn't be waiting for the next Court Hearing.
2. Women are fungible to him. He already has his next lucky lady lined up and plans to move in with her.
But it hurts, more than I want it to. No matter what the reason, and despite the fact that I DO NOT WANT HIM EVER AGAIN, I have been replaced and at some level, I feel abandoned. Never mind that I WANT to be free, and that I abandoned this life of abuse, it still hurts. He's gone woman hunting, and bagged one. Wonder when she'll realize she's in a bag. I didn't go man-hunting because I need to heal and grow so I'll never pick some one like him again. But I'm alone and he's all cozy and lovey-dovey. Mostly I am very contented on my own with my little dog. But this hurt. Just an hour with him and I am doubting myself. Wow, how little it takes for him to get under my skin. I need a major husband ex-foliant.
His proposal is so self-serving that it may be very hard to get him to get real about what he is entitled to, even with mediation. And with the next Court Hearing in August, a trial would be 6 months or a year after that. Terribly dismaying to me. I wanted to be free, I wanted my money free, I wanted to buy a little house and quit paying rent before I use up my down payment money. This is probably the worst of it - that unless the mediation master is very forceful, AH will just not negotiate and I can't accept the punitive and puny bit he is offering.
The attorneys and AH and I had a brief discussion, and I made it extremely clear that if AH does not quit saying I have a business when I do not, and if he does not quit overvaluing my tools so that what he is "charging" me for them will mean that I will not get any share of our joint house -if he does not get REAL, and do it NOW, then we will go to trial. I don't think my lawyer was happy with me being so direct and forceful, but at least now my AH knows he cannot bully me or push me around one iota.
But it is very dismaying. I will have to figure out which parts of my life I can go on with in a different way than what I had been expecting.
He is such a punitive A**&%*e. They say here "more will be revealed" and all that I got out of this is yes, he is even worse than I remembered. There is no space for me in his comprehension whatsoever, not even a tiny idea of fairness or reality. Just sc%@w whoever is on the other side. And that means me.
My lawyer is very very good, and when I have calmed down I will talk to him about what he wants to do next.
I need a nap. a long long long long nap.
ShootingStar1
We provided a very stern but very honest Proposed Final Divorce Decree. My husband, however, provided the most dishonest, self-serving, punitive thing you could ever imagine.
My lawyer and my STBXAH's lawyer talked privately and we are going to do mediation starting soon with a marriage master mediator - usually a retired Judge who will understand the complexity of the issues we have to resolve.
To briefly recap my story for those of you who haven't been with me, I left my AH of almost 20 years last July 4th amidst the fireworks and the thunder after my credit card Fraud Squad called me because he had wire transferred over $1200 to a prostitute in Ghana. Packed a suitcase and my dog, and was gone before he knew it, filed for divorce within the week.
He had been a terrible emotionally abusive alcoholic and his porn addiction had grown to include on-line chats, encounters, texting, webcams, and he used it like a rapier against me saying I was inadequate and should learn from these prostitutes. That's the PG version. It was unbelievably awful, damaging. He's in his late 60's and I'm 62. People here told me about gaslighting and the Stockholm Syndrome, and that is what happened to me, I lost all sense of myself and almost lost myself. So with the help of SR and therapy and good friends and wonderful grown children, I've been slowly figuring out what happened to me, and slowly healing and letting go.
Since then, my AH has sent me divorce settlement proposal spreadsheet after spreadsheet filled with lunacy where he gets everything and I get the drain from the kitchen sink. Before it has been cleaned. I've threatened to go back to our house where he lives and use them as wallpaper.
My son took me to lunch after the non-Hearing, and I realized two things.
1. If AH had been able to write a fair and honest Proposal for Divorce Decree, it would have meant that he wasn't the abusive destructive hateful man he was, and we might have had a decent marriage. I wouldn't be waiting for the next Court Hearing.
2. Women are fungible to him. He already has his next lucky lady lined up and plans to move in with her.
But it hurts, more than I want it to. No matter what the reason, and despite the fact that I DO NOT WANT HIM EVER AGAIN, I have been replaced and at some level, I feel abandoned. Never mind that I WANT to be free, and that I abandoned this life of abuse, it still hurts. He's gone woman hunting, and bagged one. Wonder when she'll realize she's in a bag. I didn't go man-hunting because I need to heal and grow so I'll never pick some one like him again. But I'm alone and he's all cozy and lovey-dovey. Mostly I am very contented on my own with my little dog. But this hurt. Just an hour with him and I am doubting myself. Wow, how little it takes for him to get under my skin. I need a major husband ex-foliant.
His proposal is so self-serving that it may be very hard to get him to get real about what he is entitled to, even with mediation. And with the next Court Hearing in August, a trial would be 6 months or a year after that. Terribly dismaying to me. I wanted to be free, I wanted my money free, I wanted to buy a little house and quit paying rent before I use up my down payment money. This is probably the worst of it - that unless the mediation master is very forceful, AH will just not negotiate and I can't accept the punitive and puny bit he is offering.
The attorneys and AH and I had a brief discussion, and I made it extremely clear that if AH does not quit saying I have a business when I do not, and if he does not quit overvaluing my tools so that what he is "charging" me for them will mean that I will not get any share of our joint house -if he does not get REAL, and do it NOW, then we will go to trial. I don't think my lawyer was happy with me being so direct and forceful, but at least now my AH knows he cannot bully me or push me around one iota.
But it is very dismaying. I will have to figure out which parts of my life I can go on with in a different way than what I had been expecting.
He is such a punitive A**&%*e. They say here "more will be revealed" and all that I got out of this is yes, he is even worse than I remembered. There is no space for me in his comprehension whatsoever, not even a tiny idea of fairness or reality. Just sc%@w whoever is on the other side. And that means me.
My lawyer is very very good, and when I have calmed down I will talk to him about what he wants to do next.
I need a nap. a long long long long nap.
ShootingStar1
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Aw, man.
I know sh*t happens, but AUGUST? Sheesh.
If your lawyer is very good, try to let him/her do the talking. I know that you feel like you need for your husband to see how determined you are, but lawyers have strategies, and sometimes when the parties get into the back and forth, with the best of intentions, they wind up both digging in their heels more than if the attorneys had done the necessary arm-twisting. If HIS lawyer is any good, he or she will get him to see that this stance he is taking is not going to work, and will potentially cost him a lot of money.
I'm so sorry this is getting so dragged out. I know that you know this in your head--you are not losing any kind of prize. The emotions don't always make sense. You've acknowledged them, but you also see that they aren't reasonable or logical. They aren't facts. You deserve so much better than him.
I know sh*t happens, but AUGUST? Sheesh.
If your lawyer is very good, try to let him/her do the talking. I know that you feel like you need for your husband to see how determined you are, but lawyers have strategies, and sometimes when the parties get into the back and forth, with the best of intentions, they wind up both digging in their heels more than if the attorneys had done the necessary arm-twisting. If HIS lawyer is any good, he or she will get him to see that this stance he is taking is not going to work, and will potentially cost him a lot of money.
I'm so sorry this is getting so dragged out. I know that you know this in your head--you are not losing any kind of prize. The emotions don't always make sense. You've acknowledged them, but you also see that they aren't reasonable or logical. They aren't facts. You deserve so much better than him.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Proud of you shootingstar - Your husband is the king of assholes. A very deluded man. I feel sorry for the woman. I really do, I feel bad for her and glad as I can be for you. I bet he is Prince Charming right now oh lord if she only knew....
As for you...August sucks but its better than September. Just be patient, trust your lawyer and your HP - you got away from him there is no greater gift.
As for you...August sucks but its better than September. Just be patient, trust your lawyer and your HP - you got away from him there is no greater gift.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
(((((((((((shootingstar))))))))))))))
you've shown great courage and you've handled your end of things beautifully. I hope you take extra loving and gentle care of yourself tonight because all this court drama is so draining!
I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. Your case was postponed until August for a reason. I truly believe that things are going to work out even better than you've hoped for. Let your lawyer do her job. Just keep focused on taking care of YOU.
Be patient. Your day of freedom is approaching.
Hugs...
you've shown great courage and you've handled your end of things beautifully. I hope you take extra loving and gentle care of yourself tonight because all this court drama is so draining!
I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. Your case was postponed until August for a reason. I truly believe that things are going to work out even better than you've hoped for. Let your lawyer do her job. Just keep focused on taking care of YOU.
Be patient. Your day of freedom is approaching.
Hugs...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Thanks to all of you for the support. I really need it right now.
Instead of taking a nap, my lawyer called and after he looked at my husband's new discovery documents, was just shaking his head. They are nonsense, and they contradict what AH submitted previously. The lawyer has some very good ideas about what to do next to get this moving. One thing he can do is depose my husband, and get some of these contradictions on the record which would make it clear that he'll have an uphill fight in a trial.
My neighbor made me a lovely dinner tonight, and my kids called and commiserated, and you all wrote to me, so I feel comforted. And we got to planning our little garden, and she will be lots of fun to share a garden and patio with this summer.
My neighbor had a great idea, which is, instead of letting the next meeting with the Judge be a hearing, we should just schedule the trial right now so we don't have to wait another 6 months or year after August.
Going to bed now, sleep in through the next snow storm rolling in tonight, and get up with a clear head and fresh perspective.
What a bummer this is. You're right, I'll just have to trust my HP. So far, everytime I've asked for help, what has come has been far more magnificent than what I could have imagined to ask for.
Just got to believe in that Shaker phrase "Way will open".
Thanks again,
ShootingStar1
Instead of taking a nap, my lawyer called and after he looked at my husband's new discovery documents, was just shaking his head. They are nonsense, and they contradict what AH submitted previously. The lawyer has some very good ideas about what to do next to get this moving. One thing he can do is depose my husband, and get some of these contradictions on the record which would make it clear that he'll have an uphill fight in a trial.
My neighbor made me a lovely dinner tonight, and my kids called and commiserated, and you all wrote to me, so I feel comforted. And we got to planning our little garden, and she will be lots of fun to share a garden and patio with this summer.
My neighbor had a great idea, which is, instead of letting the next meeting with the Judge be a hearing, we should just schedule the trial right now so we don't have to wait another 6 months or year after August.
Going to bed now, sleep in through the next snow storm rolling in tonight, and get up with a clear head and fresh perspective.
What a bummer this is. You're right, I'll just have to trust my HP. So far, everytime I've asked for help, what has come has been far more magnificent than what I could have imagined to ask for.
Just got to believe in that Shaker phrase "Way will open".
Thanks again,
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Shootingstar...I feel the frustration at the August date just reading it. Is there anything your lawyer can do to up the date? August seems unreasonable simply because the judge had a problem, not your case.
At the same time, this also allows your lawyer to gather that information about the contradictions to aid in your favor. So if there's a bright side to this, maybe that is it.
I am glad to read that you refocused, and thought about things like that garden with your neighbor. This delay is truly a test of accepting what we cannot control, and finding serenity regardless, by exercising what you do have control over--the way you spend your time and energy during the delay.
As for his new relationship...more will be revealed...especially...TO HER!
At the same time, this also allows your lawyer to gather that information about the contradictions to aid in your favor. So if there's a bright side to this, maybe that is it.
I am glad to read that you refocused, and thought about things like that garden with your neighbor. This delay is truly a test of accepting what we cannot control, and finding serenity regardless, by exercising what you do have control over--the way you spend your time and energy during the delay.
As for his new relationship...more will be revealed...especially...TO HER!
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