Cerridwen

I am partially disabled with epilepsy. I am very dependent on my husband for most things in my life. This is very isolating, both personally and as a couple. This leaves me in a difficult position, because I really need to confront my AH about his drinking, but I do not have the fall back ultimatum of quit or I will leave.

He has been a high functioning alcohol abuser for a long time, but I fear he is sliding deeper and deeper into actual alcoholism. Last week, on a work night he drank at least 9 servings of alcohol. It is not unusual for him to have 5-6 drinks a night. He is needing more and more alcohol, just to decompress from his day at work, let alone to feel "lit". When he drinks there are disturbing personality changes (anger mostly). When he is not drinking during the day, his cognition is declining and he is only 52.

I love the man he is when he has not had alcohol. I am becoming more and more traumatized by the stranger who takes over when the alcohol kicks in. I really need him to be healthy. What will happen to me if he dies or loses his marbles due to this disease? I am really scared.

How do I confront him and let him know how much his drinking is affecting me when I feel I have no other options?

Thank you for listening and for any comments you care to make.

Anna

I'm sure this is scary for you and I'm sorry you're in this spot. I think you might let him know his drinking is affecting you, but not in a confrontational way. I think you might create boundaries for yourself that protect you, but that are not threats to your husband.

It sounds like you should be trying to find other options for living arrangements so you do have an option. Is there a family member, relative or friend, who you could consider living with? Or is it possible for you to think about an assisted living situation?

Cerridwen

Thank you Anna for your support. Right now I have many more reasons for staying than leaving. I have never really approached my AH with my concerns. This is where I seem to be stuck. I know not to discuss it while he is drunk, but then to bring it up when he isn't drunk seems difficult because I have lost my steam from the night before. Do you have any suggestions about breaking the ice without making things worse?

I don't want to leave, I just want things to change. Is that naive?

wiscsober

Cerridwen thank you for posting. I am familiar with a woman in Al-anon, and another woman in AA who have physical disabilities. Both come to their meetings aided by other 12step recovery people. I would call an al-anon hotline and talk to them about your concerns. The point will be made you have to take care of yourself, you nor your disability has anything to do with his drinking (alcoholism?), and that you can not control his drinking.

In recovery we do change ... and we are accepting of those things that we cannot change.

You will find soon how to voice your concerns to him, and how to refuse to be an object of his anger. You will also in time deal with co-dependency issues.

Your health and welfare are of utmost concern. There many people outside of the 12step program that also can help: family, social services, med. nurses and doctors, etc.

You are not alone!!! And you are worthy and deserving of living a peaceful life.

Anna

It's fine to want things to change, but remember you can only change yourself. You can't change your husband and you will cause pain for yourself (and him) if you try to change him. But, I definitely think it's okay to discuss the issue. For sure, you can let him know how his drinking makes you feel.