So now what?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 82
So now what?
I am so thankful that I discovered SR and have read your stories. It stopped the craziness that was inside me while I was trying to fix the mess AH dumped. Like most, I felt like an intruder when I first read others' stories. But with each one, a light bulb went off.
Oh my god, do you mean to tell me that my nightmare is someone else's? Oh thank god, well......that sounds wrong, but I will repeat it again. I was so thankful that I was not the only one that got thrown into the crazy pit of alcoholism.
I used to think my story was unique as AH was a mental health professional, 26years sober. 26 is just a number now. I used to think that all AH had to do was commit to sobriety and that would let us move on with our lives.
And I used to think that I could say the right words, do the right thing, make the perfect home, cover all the bills, cheer him up and ignore my pain. And that would be alright.
I learned that even with my Dad's death, AH would drink. And then be contrite on how he wished he could have been there fore me. My Mom is going through kidney failure, and he says the same.
With his 2 arrests, he swears he is going to stop. It is at this point, it has progressed from alcohol to crack.
I changed the locks and the alarm system. Before this he still managed to get into the garage and pawn the power tools. I had no idea that power tools are an addict's "tool of choice". I also got a moment of clarity and realized he had pawned some of my jewelry as well.
I went through 9 months of denial that he would come around. After receiving about 10 collect calls from jail (as I was the only family member that had a land line phone hence he could place a collect call to)....I spoke to him. I was proud of myself, as I kept it together. First thing I said was, you are still covered under my insurance....it will pay for rehab for you. Once he said he didn't need rehab I knew the needle was still mightier than I.
The breaking point? I found out he had a girlfriend. He got evicted from his apartment, moved into his mother's house. And then took her car and went to see her. My sister in law told me this and that was the a ha moment. I filed for divorce.
I do not know why that one thing made me stop the insanity. Well, yes I do. All this time I hoped he would become the person I fell in love with. Even with all the bad stuff that has happened over the last 2 years, I kept holding out hope. But I also knew I had to do this in my own time. You can tell anyone to get out now. But, they will get out when they have reached their own breaking point.
I filed a month ago. I have 30 more days until the court assigns a date. To this point, AH has not answered the petition. I have paid the mortgage on our home since we moved in 7 years ago. I am now paying all the bills and have asked to keep my home and my retirement. AH has spent his on his retirement on addiction. I was actually told by my attorney that I can ask for alimony. (Ok, the guy has no job, nothing....I didn't get it....but no, I asked for nothing from him).
I am 54 years old. This home I live in is the first I have owned. I have fixed the AC breaking twice since he left, the electrical that went out, learned how to mow the lawn and ask for help. At work I am a very self assured manager. At home I cry and imagine being left alone without the person I thought I would grow old with.....and he chooses to drink and drug over me.
But I am also smart. I went to Al-Anon when AH went into rehab. He lasted 3 days. And then I found a wonderful therapist. I used to see him every week, and now I am seeing him every 2 weeks. He is helping me deal with my Dad's death, my Mom's illness, AH's insanity....and everything in between. My insurance does not cover the therapist unfortunately. And I am even more thankful for a job that affords me to do this. Otherwise, I would be dead. By my own hand. And most importantly, I am thankful for a psychiatrist that checks my meds....so I can survive the insanity of my life.
I have never, ever told anyone my entire story. Because if you knew me, you would have no clue. I work in a business where I have to be "on" all the time. Unfortunately, you can fool yourself with this and to be "off" can hit rock bottom.
Alcoholism and addiction is a cancer. Unfortunately there is no chemo/radiation or miracle drug that can cure it, nor cure the family pain. They have to cure themselves. And the family has to do the same. Whether it is to go into SR and read recovery stories (which I do whenever I am feeling especially sad)....or listen when those that are trying for recovery admit their pain.
Through my entire journey with AH (soon to become XAH I guess in SR terms), I don't hate him. I hate his disease. I hate what it did with my life and his. No one would intentially choose to live this life. And because of this, I am choosing to walk away from mine with him . Will I always love him? Oh yes. Will I miss what we had? Most certainly.
But there is no magic that I can produce to cure him. I just hope prayers from afar can help. Thanks for listening to my story! I wish you luck on your own journey!
Oh my god, do you mean to tell me that my nightmare is someone else's? Oh thank god, well......that sounds wrong, but I will repeat it again. I was so thankful that I was not the only one that got thrown into the crazy pit of alcoholism.
I used to think my story was unique as AH was a mental health professional, 26years sober. 26 is just a number now. I used to think that all AH had to do was commit to sobriety and that would let us move on with our lives.
And I used to think that I could say the right words, do the right thing, make the perfect home, cover all the bills, cheer him up and ignore my pain. And that would be alright.
I learned that even with my Dad's death, AH would drink. And then be contrite on how he wished he could have been there fore me. My Mom is going through kidney failure, and he says the same.
With his 2 arrests, he swears he is going to stop. It is at this point, it has progressed from alcohol to crack.
I changed the locks and the alarm system. Before this he still managed to get into the garage and pawn the power tools. I had no idea that power tools are an addict's "tool of choice". I also got a moment of clarity and realized he had pawned some of my jewelry as well.
I went through 9 months of denial that he would come around. After receiving about 10 collect calls from jail (as I was the only family member that had a land line phone hence he could place a collect call to)....I spoke to him. I was proud of myself, as I kept it together. First thing I said was, you are still covered under my insurance....it will pay for rehab for you. Once he said he didn't need rehab I knew the needle was still mightier than I.
The breaking point? I found out he had a girlfriend. He got evicted from his apartment, moved into his mother's house. And then took her car and went to see her. My sister in law told me this and that was the a ha moment. I filed for divorce.
I do not know why that one thing made me stop the insanity. Well, yes I do. All this time I hoped he would become the person I fell in love with. Even with all the bad stuff that has happened over the last 2 years, I kept holding out hope. But I also knew I had to do this in my own time. You can tell anyone to get out now. But, they will get out when they have reached their own breaking point.
I filed a month ago. I have 30 more days until the court assigns a date. To this point, AH has not answered the petition. I have paid the mortgage on our home since we moved in 7 years ago. I am now paying all the bills and have asked to keep my home and my retirement. AH has spent his on his retirement on addiction. I was actually told by my attorney that I can ask for alimony. (Ok, the guy has no job, nothing....I didn't get it....but no, I asked for nothing from him).
I am 54 years old. This home I live in is the first I have owned. I have fixed the AC breaking twice since he left, the electrical that went out, learned how to mow the lawn and ask for help. At work I am a very self assured manager. At home I cry and imagine being left alone without the person I thought I would grow old with.....and he chooses to drink and drug over me.
But I am also smart. I went to Al-Anon when AH went into rehab. He lasted 3 days. And then I found a wonderful therapist. I used to see him every week, and now I am seeing him every 2 weeks. He is helping me deal with my Dad's death, my Mom's illness, AH's insanity....and everything in between. My insurance does not cover the therapist unfortunately. And I am even more thankful for a job that affords me to do this. Otherwise, I would be dead. By my own hand. And most importantly, I am thankful for a psychiatrist that checks my meds....so I can survive the insanity of my life.
I have never, ever told anyone my entire story. Because if you knew me, you would have no clue. I work in a business where I have to be "on" all the time. Unfortunately, you can fool yourself with this and to be "off" can hit rock bottom.
Alcoholism and addiction is a cancer. Unfortunately there is no chemo/radiation or miracle drug that can cure it, nor cure the family pain. They have to cure themselves. And the family has to do the same. Whether it is to go into SR and read recovery stories (which I do whenever I am feeling especially sad)....or listen when those that are trying for recovery admit their pain.
Through my entire journey with AH (soon to become XAH I guess in SR terms), I don't hate him. I hate his disease. I hate what it did with my life and his. No one would intentially choose to live this life. And because of this, I am choosing to walk away from mine with him . Will I always love him? Oh yes. Will I miss what we had? Most certainly.
But there is no magic that I can produce to cure him. I just hope prayers from afar can help. Thanks for listening to my story! I wish you luck on your own journey!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Very inspiring story! Yes, these situations are sad, they are maddening, they screw with our heads. HOWEVER, there is hope for us all. There is life after.
I love how you have learned that to ask for help does not make you weak. I used to think I had to do it ALL myself.
I have a feeling your 50s are gonna be YOUR time to bloom.
I love how you have learned that to ask for help does not make you weak. I used to think I had to do it ALL myself.
I have a feeling your 50s are gonna be YOUR time to bloom.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Sanity 2012,
Thanks for sharing your story.
You are well on your way in your journey... it does get better...sometimes even better than ever. It has been for me and I never would have believed you had you told me this a couple of years ago when I was completely emeshed with my XA and his addiction.
Thanks for sharing your story.
You are well on your way in your journey... it does get better...sometimes even better than ever. It has been for me and I never would have believed you had you told me this a couple of years ago when I was completely emeshed with my XA and his addiction.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
Thank you so much for sharing your story, very inspiring indeed! Sounds like you've worked hard to get a good support system set up for yourself and have a very good head on your shoulders. Best of luck to you on your journey! 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: alaska
Posts: 60
There is hope for all of us but it is so hard to understand an alcoholic. My daughter just turned 14 yesterday she may have gotten a call or text from her mother but I am sure a card would've meant more but she didnt.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I hope the guilt of what he has squandered is strong enough that he doesn't think he needs half the equity/retirement just to blow it on crack.
You're doing so well taking care of yourself...find your serenity no matter how he responds to the petition. This is one of those situations in which I would like to hear that justice prevails...I'd even take it to trial if I had to....
You're doing so well taking care of yourself...find your serenity no matter how he responds to the petition. This is one of those situations in which I would like to hear that justice prevails...I'd even take it to trial if I had to....
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