So here I am again
anotheramanda
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Huntsville, AL
Posts: 1
So here I am again
I am new to this so bear with me. My addiction is a deep dark secret so Im not used to discussing it. I come from one of those white collar southern society families where your reputation and appearances are everything. I have been using drugs since 2004. At first it was just weed, the coke, then crack. That is a very dirty drug!! Then came the oxy's. I have been injecting them for the past 5 years on and off but now it is on. All these years of using and Ive never been physically addicted to anything. I never had withdrawals, just the emotional need to use. Now things are different. I have a 15 month old son and I was not using when I found out I was pregnant and didn't use my whole pregnancy. It was amazing, I mean I hard cravings, but never acted upon them. Then came the delivery and the massive pain meds during and the percocets after that started the viscious cycle all over again. Last June my husband and I started on a suboxone program and I loved it. It made me feel amazing, not buzzed, I just had energy and motivation and really was enjoying life. Then the week before this past Christmas my husband was laid off and we could no longer afford to pay for the doctor's visits and rx's. Detoxing from the subs was pure HELL!!!! That was the worst I have ever felt my entire life. It messes with your head, it got to a point where I was thankful there wasn't a firearm in the house because I would have put it to my head and pulled the trigger. After a week we couldn't take it anymore and reverted back to the oxy's. Just to get over the WD's we said but now it is back full swing. All I can think about is pills. I have reached the point where I hate this life and I dont want to live like this anymore. I just don't know if I have the strength to do it on my own. Rehab isn't an option for me, financially or otherwise. I feel a little lost and don't know where to start.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
Hi Anotheramanda, welcome! My problem is booze but I totally get what you're saying about having to keep up appearances and the hell of being an addict in that kind of society/world.
There's a forum on here for drug abuse that might be useful to you. Also, the whole site is just awesome for support and advice. I am sure others will be along shortly with some more guidance and suggestions but I just wanted to say welcome and glad you are here.
There's a forum on here for drug abuse that might be useful to you. Also, the whole site is just awesome for support and advice. I am sure others will be along shortly with some more guidance and suggestions but I just wanted to say welcome and glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by anotheramanda 
I am new to this so bear with me. My addiction is a deep dark secret so Im not used to discussing it. I come from one of those white collar southern society families where your reputation and appearances are everything. I have been using drugs since 2004. At first it was just weed, the coke, then crack. That is a very dirty drug!! Then came the oxy's. I have been injecting them for the past 5 years on and off but now it is on. All these years of using and Ive never been physically addicted to anything. I never had withdrawals, just the emotional need to use. Now things are different. I have a 15 month old son and I was not using when I found out I was pregnant and didn't use my whole pregnancy. It was amazing, I mean I hard cravings, but never acted upon them. Then came the delivery and the massive pain meds during and the percocets after that started the viscious cycle all over again. Last June my husband and I started on a suboxone program and I loved it. It made me feel amazing, not buzzed, I just had energy and motivation and really was enjoying life. Then the week before this past Christmas my husband was laid off and we could no longer afford to pay for the doctor's visits and rx's. Detoxing from the subs was pure HELL!!!! That was the worst I have ever felt my entire life. It messes with your head, it got to a point where I was thankful there wasn't a firearm in the house because I would have put it to my head and pulled the trigger. After a week we couldn't take it anymore and reverted back to the oxy's. Just to get over the WD's we said but now it is back full swing. All I can think about is pills. I have reached the point where I hate this life and I dont want to live like this anymore. I just don't know if I have the strength to do it on my own. Rehab isn't an option for me, financially or otherwise. I feel a little lost and don't know where to start.
I was there in 1989. I tried everything to get better but things kept getting worse. Recovery for me truly began when i committed to AA (12 Step program)
I know where you are at and I believe I have some good news and bad news (bad news as the addict in us will hate it).
Good news. If you went to Narcotics Anonymous you would meet a room full of folks who are just like you... and recovering.
Bad news. You will have to go to Narcotics Anonymous to find that recovery.
I wish you the best.
Bob R
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Welcome to SR Amanda. You're never alone - there are many here who've been through the same thing. I hope you feel a little better for discussing it here - this is a great place for understanding and support.
I know how hard it is to face letting go. I was the same with alcohol. I'd used it to cope with things, but instead of helping me - it sucked the life out of me and took my spirit. In the end, I was never high or happy - just filled with pain and misery. I'm so glad you're reaching out for a better life. It will feel so good to be free of it. You can do this.
I know how hard it is to face letting go. I was the same with alcohol. I'd used it to cope with things, but instead of helping me - it sucked the life out of me and took my spirit. In the end, I was never high or happy - just filled with pain and misery. I'm so glad you're reaching out for a better life. It will feel so good to be free of it. You can do this.
to our family!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Hi and Welcome,
I'm glad you're ready to make a change in your life and get rid of the pills. If you could talk to your dr about it, it would probably be helpful. We do understand how hard this is.
I'm glad you're ready to make a change in your life and get rid of the pills. If you could talk to your dr about it, it would probably be helpful. We do understand how hard this is.
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