FeenixxRising

I'm a binge drinker. This started about five years ago. Before that I was a social drinker for decades. I'm not sure when exactly or how I went over the line, but now, when I do drink, I usually can't stop until I pass out.

The binge drinking has caused me all kinds of serious problems (I won't bore you with my stories, as not surprisingly our stories are all pretty similar). I know I need to stop, but even though I can think this through rationally, I have a part of my brain that feels I'll be missing something, that I will no longer enjoy life. There is a part of my brain that tells me I can quit sometime in the future, but for now I can regain a handle on my drinking. But the truth is my memory is selective; I forget the bad times my drinking caused, and dwell on the good times when alcohol was involved.

I'm sure my current mindset is not unique (far from it I would suppose). How did some of you move past this mindset? How did you convince yourself that the idea of ever returning to controlled drinker was nothing but an illusion? How did you finally accept that you could never drink again?

Coldfusion

I was not able to do these things myself--I tried and it didn't work.

I (and my wife) now go to AA meetings, where we listen to others (some folks with decades of sobriety) who share how they deal with these issues. They still have thoughts of drinking even after decades of sobriety and going to meetings.

veryready

Welcome.

How did I finally convince myself I couldn't control my drinking. For me, it was after the 1,000 or so time where I told myself I was just going to have one or two and had enough to end up on the floor. I had just tried so many times I just finally gave up. Finally realized I just can't, and don't want to, have just one or two. Realized it just will never change. I just can't do it. Just can't control it and really never wanted to.

As far as accepting I could never drink again. That takes time. I would say don't worry about that. For now take it a day at a time and that acceptance will come. Be patient. Be strong. It's worth it.

RocketQueen

For me, once it got to the point where I was sick if I didn't drink I knew it was time to stop. Having said that, my mind is still in the same place as yours even though I've been sober for close to a month and a half.

I don't think I will ever accept the fact that I will never be able to drink "normally" again. I'm still convinced that one day I will be able to. But for now and in the forseeable future, I don't want to drink. I don't want to be that person anymore. She was ugly and unpleasent. I just have to keep reminding myself each day and hopefully that acceptance will come with time.

Hevyn

Well - I was a real slow learner. I got dui's, almost lost my job, my family & friends were all disgusted with me, my health & finances were a disaster. It took facing death to convince me I couldn't touch it ever again.

I once drank the way you do - but it eventually led to daily drinking. I think it's good that you've come here to discuss what drinking is doing to your life. I hope you find the answers that will help you avoid a crisis. We're glad you're here.

Starbaby928

For me, when my binges consistently impacted my relationship and eventually ruined it. I realized I loathe what I am what I drink. So, for me- there is a terror that is keeping me from picking up again... For now... I can't have just one... And if I pick up just one and it turns into countless, I will do more damage than I've already done to my love, family & friends.

So- in essence- I've acknowledged I am powerless over alcohol & my life has become unmanageable because I am an alcoholic.

The illusion of control was shattered... And I was able to ask for help.

quitforme79

I was only convinced I was powerless over alcohol when death seemed like a good alternative to the life I was living. It doesn't have to be that way for everyone. I was just so miserable and knew I had to change something or give up.

AA has really helped me stay sober. As well as reading and getting advice on this forum.

YouRmySunshine

Because Im an alcoholic. My brain is not wired to socially drink.
I knew after my 1st week in medical detox/treatment, I had 2 options, never drink again, or continue to plan my semi-slow, painful suicide by alcohol.

So far 53 days sober & with the grace of God, I'm still going with option 1.

I wish you all the best & thanks for reaching out to this forum.
Peace
~Jules

Branches

"I have a part of my brain that feels I'll be missing something, that I will no longer enjoy life. There is a part of my brain that tells me I can quit sometime in the future, but for now I can regain a handle on my drinking. "

Yep, I know that voice. Today it told me that I didn't really have to quit drinking completely, that I only drink (ONLY??) 2 or 3 (big) glasses of wine a night, that I don't black out or drive drunk or get in drunken arguments, etc., so therefore I'm not THAT bad, and am I serious? I'm not going to ever drink again? No champagne? Never again a vodka martini at the airport? No girls weekend away with my best friends where we drink and stay up until 2 or 3 laughting and talking our pajamas?

So then I asked myself when was the last time I really had fun drinking and if I would have had absolutely no fun if I hadn't. No answer. When was the last time I woke up and said, "Wow, I'm sure glad I polished off that bottle of wine and started another one. I feel great!" No answer from that little voice there either. On another post I read, that voice was referred to as the alcoholic imp. Great description. It sits on your shoulder and tells you lies.

The good news is you're thinking about quitting and planting the seed in your own mind. Keep thinking. Read this board a lot. One day you'll be ready, really ready, and you'll do it one day at a time.

MeSoSober

The $64,000 question!

I would imagine that there are alcoholics with years and years of sobriety who, as someone said earlier, still think about drinking but ultimately decide it's not worth it.

I suppose I "mostly accept" that I'll never drink again, because the negative consequences (two good lost jobs, and possibly a lost relationship, not to mention countless HORRIBLE hangovers/periods of withdrawal) have simply been too great. And I can see that my drinking has gotten worse over the years and recognize what could happen to me if I continue.

So I guess the short answer is you reach the point of accepting that you can never drink again by recognizing the negative consequences you've suffered and the ones that await you if you continue. Your mileage will vary.

Welcome to the forums -- so many great and supportive people here!

FeenixxRising

Thanks to all.

I do believe I will get to a place where I'm completely comfortable with never drinking again. I did quit for 5 months last year and I vividly remember that nice jolt of well-being I had when I went to sleep knowing I did not drink that day, or when I woke up the next morning with no crushing hang-over and no regrets about what I had done the night before.

Oddly, the last five years I have done very well financially; however, I wonder how much better I would have done had I not been binge drinking. Or more importantly, how much more I would have enjoyed a financially secure life if I was sober. Of course money is nothing compared to lost dignity and the physical harm I've done to myself during that same period.

Ultimately, it is the loss of control that worries me most. Until 5 years ago I often passed up a drink in social drinking situations and I never craved alcohol. The fact is I need to and want to stop drinking before I bottom-out. So it's time for some serious self-assessment and reflection.

There is a SMART Recovery meeting only a few miles from where I live, and I've been making plans to attend. I'd say it's time to stop planning and walk myself into the meeting and get on with what needs to be done.

MeSoSober

Can I borrow some money? :rotfxko

But seriously, you are very wise to want to avoid bottoming out before you quit. Me, not so much. But I'm planning a comeback!

FeenixxRising

I will probably need it for therapy. While my bank account is healthy, my current mental and emotional states aren't nearly as solid. And I have no shame in saying so. I believe those issues preceded my binge drinking and are part of the reason I went over the line. I drank for a little emotional joy (I'm a happy, fun-loving drunk), and of course, that joy is short lived and almost always followed by an extreme opposite emotion.

I don't say any of this lightly, as I know addiction has led many, if not most, into some sort of financial hell. Lord knows I feel for anyone who is in that position. However, I know if I continue on this path I will almost certainly be in the same boat--and that scares me more than I could ever convey with words.

veryready

I read all these excellent replies. There is something here that I forget or forgot... It always gets worse. Before I stopped I knew it was getting worse. Has anyone in the history of the world ever started this slow slide and got back on track again; became a normal drinker again. I was afraid to stop at one point because I knew if I started again it would be worse than ever. It does progress. I have read thousands of posts here in the last 4 months. Where is the post about being cured of this, or of someone moving back to manageable drinking. Doesn't happen.

sugarbear1

I have a journal. Even my handwriting tells me how bad I was, it's almost illegible!

MeSoSober

My question was strictly for giggles but the fear you refer to can be a powerful tool in your favor!

FeenixxRising

Don't worry MSS I knew you were just being humorous. I should have put a smiley face after the therapy comment, but then I was only half joking ;-)

YouRmySunshine

So True!
I started a journal when I was in treatment. I was locked in for 7 days, I did alot of writing, in hopes to look back on occasion & remind myself of all the sh1t I was going through. The true hell I was feeling.
I need to remember not to ever get complacent with my sobriety.
~No matter how shaky my hands & hard to read some of my writing or even understand where I was going with some of my thoughts.
It truly is a good reminder!

SoberSilvia

Well, I'm not at the place where you are wanting to get yet, but I guess the "how did you start" part is relevant.

My neurologist couldn't find anything wrong (thank goodness!) to explain the tingling in my feet, calves and hands and said that he really felt that it was due to my drinking (about 4 or 5 glasses of wine throughout the evening for about 25 years). I really thought I had damaged myself beyond repair and had been putting off those nerve tests for 2 years for financial reasons, but everything came back OK. No MS, no lupus, no liver woes, no rheumatoid arthritis or diabetes... just a tingling that couldn't be explained by anything other than alcohol. It was like getting a reprieve to live again -- and he said that he thought the parasthesia would go away in time if I gave up the alcohol.

So that was a huge part of it, but the rest of it was that he reflected back to me who I really was and the person that I was was not the person I wanted to be. Only a couple of people really knew I drank too much because I hid it pretty well, and it didn't stop me from functioning and being very productive. Seeing myself as "that person" just made me feel horrible about myself -- finally -- and I went home and just didn't drink that night.

I take clonidine (a BP med) for hot flashes (menopause chick, here), and that has a bit of a sedative effect, so that kind of helps (early evening). I also take 1/2 of a .25 xanax for sleep when needed, so that helps too. (I don't have an issue with xanax, though some people do and that might not be a good idea for everyone). It was the opposite of fun, especially because I used drinking to be productive during the evenings (e.g. working, writing). Somehow, I was actually able to do some of that without drinking pretty early on, though, and I now read a lot.

It's been 7 months, and getting through evenings is still kind of boring, but it's not torture anymore. In fact, it's kind of surprising how quickly the evening passes. Somehow, I had this idea in my head that drinking made it pass. Silly... But anyway, that's all I've accomplished so far. The going out with friends and being where alcohol is served are still milestones that I'm not ready for.

Good luck!

Branches

"I have a part of my brain that feels I'll be missing something, that I will no longer enjoy life. There is a part of my brain that tells me I can quit sometime in the future, but for now I can regain a handle on my drinking. "

Yep, I know that voice. Today it told me that I didn't really have to quit drinking completely, that I only drink (ONLY??) 2 or 3 (big) glasses of wine a night, that I don't black out or drive drunk or get in drunken arguments, etc., so therefore I'm not THAT bad, and am I serious? I'm not going to ever drink again? No champagne? Never again a vodka martini at the airport? No girls weekend away with my best friends where we drink and stay up until 2 or 3 laughting and talking our pajamas?

So then I asked myself when was the last time I really had fun drinking and if I would have had absolutely no fun if I hadn't. No answer. When was the last time I woke up and said, "Wow, I'm sure glad I polished off that bottle of wine and started another one. I feel great!" No answer from that little voice there either. On another post I read, that voice was referred to as the alcoholic imp. Great description. It sits on your shoulder and tells you lies.

The good news is you're thinking about quitting and planting the seed in your own mind. Keep thinking. Read this board a lot. One day you'll be ready, really ready, and you'll do it one day at a time.