Managing a relationship and recovery... scared
Recovering!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 34
Managing a relationship and recovery... scared
My partner and I have been together for nearly four years. We've been--until recently--a good team. His family considers me family. We each come with a fair amount of baggage, but have both demonstrated a willingness to work through that baggage.
This past fall, I started to find myself increasingly annoyed by him, and feeling like my needs (mostly for physical affection) weren't being met. His desire for a more orderly household wasn't really met by me, either... we got trapped in a pretty ugly power struggle. We've gone to a therapist together, and we're both willing to go.
We've been engagement ring shopping and have been committed to each other and to a future together. In December, he told me he asked my parents for their blessing to marry me. They were pleased with him. They seem to like him.
He was honest about his history (alcoholic mother, pot use, rehab) early on, and I was honest about my history (childhood sexual abuse survivor, possible alcoholic mother, definitely alcoholism in the extended family) with him. When we met, he wasn't drinking. Eventually, he drank, and at first, it wasn't a problem, but his relationship with alcohol has become unhealthy. Neither of us believes that all addicts must forever avoid alcohol to be okay, but he is seeing now that he may not be one of them; he may need to stop drinking to be okay. For now, I certainly think this is a wise decision.
Late in January, he came back from visiting his brother in rehab with some improved communication skills. At first, he wanted to break up with me. While I hadn't been happy in our relationship either, I believed (and still believe) there was a lot to try before calling it quits. He had some unmet needs in the relationship, but to be honest, he kind of sucked at expressing them before. My unmet needs (at least the need for some more physical affection) are something I'll have to see him work on to feel that I'm important to him. Actually, I had noticed a difference--an improvement--over the last month or so, so I was beginning to feel better about things again, and I must say he caught me a bit off guard when he approached me about breaking up.
We both have a lot of work to do on ourselves and have decided to continue our relationship but to give ourselves a bit of space to work on ourselves by living apart for a while. I got myself a place, and he stayed in our apartment. It's been a bit of a financial struggle for both of us, but I think it's worth it.
We made plans to see each other three times a week, but it ended up (mostly once we added in therapy) that it didn't feel like we were getting much space. So about a week in he tells me he wants to break up. I responded that I wish he'd just told me his need for some distance wasn't being met, because I was feeling the same way. We reduced the amount that we saw each other, and things have been fine since. I was seeing him too much to allow myself to feel any anger at him for anything. This space allows me to work on (and hopefully through!) that, and to just focus on me and my needs for a while. (Can you tell how codependent I can be?!)
On Wednesday, he started going to NA meetings again, and I'm glad he's going, but I'm realizing how scared I am that I'm going to lose him. I want him to have time to focus on his recovery, but we were at a pretty good place for me in terms of how often we're seeing each other. I feel guilty when I ask him to spend time with me, because I feel like I want it more than he does. He's taking senior level classes (and will get his degree in the spring, finally), working overtime to pay for his apartment on his own, and now he's adding recovery work to his plate.
We agreed that we'd go to ACOA meetings together, as they'd be relevant to both of us, but now every time I bring it up, I fear he's a little annoyed because he's already got so much happening.
This would all be so much easier if I still felt some sort of commitment to our relationship from him. He and his family are my family. They consider me family. But I'm feeling pretty neglected right now. We don't have to work on our relationship much yet, but I want to feel some commitment from him that we will do that when he's out of the initial stages of recovery.
A relationship with him if he doesn't do this work on himself is not going to be healthy for me, but I do want a relationship with him. He made commitments to me, and I to him, that I take very seriously. We were getting engaged. It's hard for me to shake that sense of commitment, and I'm really struggling with how easily he seems to have removed himself from that.
Every time I see him, now, I'm anxious he's going to break up with me, and I hate that feeling. Every time we talk, I'm anxious that he's holding back about his true feelings. He doesn't seem to be doing this anymore, but I'm just so used to him doing it. He and I have both pointed out that the evidence supports that he's not about to run off, but somehow in my head, the two potential breakups seem to speak so much more loudly than all the times that he has demonstrated that he's staying. He's even brought up some recent times that demonstrate that he is willing to work on us, and he's right, there IS evidence that he's walking the walk (even if slowly, but slowly's okay right now)... but it's so hard for me to let those little things comfort me when I can only seem to think about him wanting to break up in January. I read into things he says and (mistakenly) assume they mean he wants to leave.
He has said of it that he didn't want to break up, but didn't know how to articulate his needs. He's improving, if stumbling, and I'm going longer and longer periods without letting anxiety about it all plague me... but it feels like I'm on some god-awful roller coaster.
Stupid anxiety.
This is going to be a long road....
This past fall, I started to find myself increasingly annoyed by him, and feeling like my needs (mostly for physical affection) weren't being met. His desire for a more orderly household wasn't really met by me, either... we got trapped in a pretty ugly power struggle. We've gone to a therapist together, and we're both willing to go.
We've been engagement ring shopping and have been committed to each other and to a future together. In December, he told me he asked my parents for their blessing to marry me. They were pleased with him. They seem to like him.
He was honest about his history (alcoholic mother, pot use, rehab) early on, and I was honest about my history (childhood sexual abuse survivor, possible alcoholic mother, definitely alcoholism in the extended family) with him. When we met, he wasn't drinking. Eventually, he drank, and at first, it wasn't a problem, but his relationship with alcohol has become unhealthy. Neither of us believes that all addicts must forever avoid alcohol to be okay, but he is seeing now that he may not be one of them; he may need to stop drinking to be okay. For now, I certainly think this is a wise decision.
Late in January, he came back from visiting his brother in rehab with some improved communication skills. At first, he wanted to break up with me. While I hadn't been happy in our relationship either, I believed (and still believe) there was a lot to try before calling it quits. He had some unmet needs in the relationship, but to be honest, he kind of sucked at expressing them before. My unmet needs (at least the need for some more physical affection) are something I'll have to see him work on to feel that I'm important to him. Actually, I had noticed a difference--an improvement--over the last month or so, so I was beginning to feel better about things again, and I must say he caught me a bit off guard when he approached me about breaking up.
We both have a lot of work to do on ourselves and have decided to continue our relationship but to give ourselves a bit of space to work on ourselves by living apart for a while. I got myself a place, and he stayed in our apartment. It's been a bit of a financial struggle for both of us, but I think it's worth it.
We made plans to see each other three times a week, but it ended up (mostly once we added in therapy) that it didn't feel like we were getting much space. So about a week in he tells me he wants to break up. I responded that I wish he'd just told me his need for some distance wasn't being met, because I was feeling the same way. We reduced the amount that we saw each other, and things have been fine since. I was seeing him too much to allow myself to feel any anger at him for anything. This space allows me to work on (and hopefully through!) that, and to just focus on me and my needs for a while. (Can you tell how codependent I can be?!)
On Wednesday, he started going to NA meetings again, and I'm glad he's going, but I'm realizing how scared I am that I'm going to lose him. I want him to have time to focus on his recovery, but we were at a pretty good place for me in terms of how often we're seeing each other. I feel guilty when I ask him to spend time with me, because I feel like I want it more than he does. He's taking senior level classes (and will get his degree in the spring, finally), working overtime to pay for his apartment on his own, and now he's adding recovery work to his plate.
We agreed that we'd go to ACOA meetings together, as they'd be relevant to both of us, but now every time I bring it up, I fear he's a little annoyed because he's already got so much happening.
This would all be so much easier if I still felt some sort of commitment to our relationship from him. He and his family are my family. They consider me family. But I'm feeling pretty neglected right now. We don't have to work on our relationship much yet, but I want to feel some commitment from him that we will do that when he's out of the initial stages of recovery.
A relationship with him if he doesn't do this work on himself is not going to be healthy for me, but I do want a relationship with him. He made commitments to me, and I to him, that I take very seriously. We were getting engaged. It's hard for me to shake that sense of commitment, and I'm really struggling with how easily he seems to have removed himself from that.
Every time I see him, now, I'm anxious he's going to break up with me, and I hate that feeling. Every time we talk, I'm anxious that he's holding back about his true feelings. He doesn't seem to be doing this anymore, but I'm just so used to him doing it. He and I have both pointed out that the evidence supports that he's not about to run off, but somehow in my head, the two potential breakups seem to speak so much more loudly than all the times that he has demonstrated that he's staying. He's even brought up some recent times that demonstrate that he is willing to work on us, and he's right, there IS evidence that he's walking the walk (even if slowly, but slowly's okay right now)... but it's so hard for me to let those little things comfort me when I can only seem to think about him wanting to break up in January. I read into things he says and (mistakenly) assume they mean he wants to leave.
He has said of it that he didn't want to break up, but didn't know how to articulate his needs. He's improving, if stumbling, and I'm going longer and longer periods without letting anxiety about it all plague me... but it feels like I'm on some god-awful roller coaster.
Stupid anxiety.
This is going to be a long road....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
Yeah, it is so hard. (((hugs))) I think it's really great you've given yourself some space apart to work on your own respective recoveries. I am new to this world of recovery, but my experience so far is that it is not possible to work on the relationship when we need to be focusing ourselves first.
I am newly married, 8 months, and I am choosing to ignore the fact that I am married and what this whole thing could mean for my marriage because FIRST I have to get my own head straightened out. I am so hurt and angry and sad and a million things -- but I know that if I don't get myself straightened out, that my marriage will never be that great anyway. The only hope I have of a good marriage, as far as I'm concerned, is to forget about my marriage right now and put it in God's hands. I have to focus on me and then see where I am after that. My husband. My marriage. Those things can not be my priority right now.
Hang in there hun. It's going to get better and I know it's hard. Keep coming back and posting and learning from everyone here. They are really amazing people. xo
I am newly married, 8 months, and I am choosing to ignore the fact that I am married and what this whole thing could mean for my marriage because FIRST I have to get my own head straightened out. I am so hurt and angry and sad and a million things -- but I know that if I don't get myself straightened out, that my marriage will never be that great anyway. The only hope I have of a good marriage, as far as I'm concerned, is to forget about my marriage right now and put it in God's hands. I have to focus on me and then see where I am after that. My husband. My marriage. Those things can not be my priority right now.
Hang in there hun. It's going to get better and I know it's hard. Keep coming back and posting and learning from everyone here. They are really amazing people. xo
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it sounds like you are struggling with a sense of abandonment...the more absorbed he gets in HIS Life (He's taking senior level classes (and will get his degree in the spring, finally), working overtime to pay for his apartment on his own, and now he's adding recovery work to his plate) the more you feel left out or neglected. and yet you are still bound and determined to "get engaged" even tho you two have now moved to separate residences and he has brought the break up thing a few times.
why not just slow things way down....take the engagement, i need COMMITMENT stuff off the table and each of your work on your own stuff. relationships shouldn't be THAT hard. and if there is so much confusion and mixed signals and unmet needs NOW how on earth is getting engaged going to SOLVE anything?
remember the saying "if you love something, set it free - if it comes back to you its yours, if not it was never meant to be" ?? each of you deserve to be important in your own lives, and able to devote as much time and energy as needed into building healthy happy selves.
why not just slow things way down....take the engagement, i need COMMITMENT stuff off the table and each of your work on your own stuff. relationships shouldn't be THAT hard. and if there is so much confusion and mixed signals and unmet needs NOW how on earth is getting engaged going to SOLVE anything?
remember the saying "if you love something, set it free - if it comes back to you its yours, if not it was never meant to be" ?? each of you deserve to be important in your own lives, and able to devote as much time and energy as needed into building healthy happy selves.
Recovering!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 34
Update.
Most of what's in the original post is apparently a lie.
He'd been clean for three days and called me, really drunk, last night and told me he cheated on me with three people over the course of our relationship.
Yay for honesty, I guess.
I also found out that he drank far, far more over the last few years than anyone suspected.
I should have listened to my gut, that something was still up. He kept saying it was just my trust issues.
I thought in January, when I moved out, he was finally being honest with me, and we were finally going to focus on ourselves and work on recovery. I said, to him and his parents when we were together, that I didn't mind spending some of my savings; it was only a temporary move, and it was absolutely worth it.
I have almost no money any more and I can't believe he would sit there and watch me do this and, from the way it sounds, not even intend to stop having sex with the neighbor lady.
I thought his relationship with alcohol was starting to take a bad turn, and we'd talk about it, but I always thought, at least, that he was honest with me about it.
How naive of me.
I've never seen him like he was last night... in such a dark place. I'm so scared that he's hurt himself. I can't get ahold of him. He said he'd call in the morning.
Most of what's in the original post is apparently a lie.
He'd been clean for three days and called me, really drunk, last night and told me he cheated on me with three people over the course of our relationship.
Yay for honesty, I guess.
I also found out that he drank far, far more over the last few years than anyone suspected.
I should have listened to my gut, that something was still up. He kept saying it was just my trust issues.
I thought in January, when I moved out, he was finally being honest with me, and we were finally going to focus on ourselves and work on recovery. I said, to him and his parents when we were together, that I didn't mind spending some of my savings; it was only a temporary move, and it was absolutely worth it.
I have almost no money any more and I can't believe he would sit there and watch me do this and, from the way it sounds, not even intend to stop having sex with the neighbor lady.
I thought his relationship with alcohol was starting to take a bad turn, and we'd talk about it, but I always thought, at least, that he was honest with me about it.
How naive of me.
I've never seen him like he was last night... in such a dark place. I'm so scared that he's hurt himself. I can't get ahold of him. He said he'd call in the morning.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Your intial post had red flags waving everywhere. His actions speak for themselves. Might be time to let go and start moving forward with your life, at this time, he is not marriage material. He has more than one issue, alcohol is one and cheating is another.
You deserve better, it is up to you to get it. Read Codependent No More and Women Who Love Too Much, both will help you.
Start focusing on you, he is an adult, he has made his bad choices, now he must deal with them.
You deserve better, it is up to you to get it. Read Codependent No More and Women Who Love Too Much, both will help you.
Start focusing on you, he is an adult, he has made his bad choices, now he must deal with them.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Yay for honesty, I guess.
"Honesty refers to a facet of moral character and connotes positive and virtuous attributes such as integrity, truthfulness and straightforwardness along with the absence of lying, cheating or theft. Honesty is revered in many cultures and religions. Honesty means being truthful, trustworthy, loyal, fair and sincere. Honesty also means straight forward conduct."
Keep working on you and your recovery. Healthy people make healthy choices. Sick people make sick choices.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I am sorry you are hurting and struggling with this.
Taking space from each other and each working on your own issues may help a lot. You can't work his recovery for him and he can't work yours. Trying to work all of this "together" is unhealthy because you each scrutinize and analyze what the other needs to do...and this just never works because you each need to focus entirely on yourselves if you want to heal and grow.
I found with my son's addiction that I could not live in MY recovery and HIS addiction at the same time. It simply was not possible. The only way I could find my balance and my sanity again was to focus on me, my recovery and my life....regardless of how he chose to live his.
I hope you find peace, it comes from within. And I hope you know that YOU hold the key to your happiness, not him and not anyone else. When this makes sense to you, you will know that you are on the right path.
Hugs
Taking space from each other and each working on your own issues may help a lot. You can't work his recovery for him and he can't work yours. Trying to work all of this "together" is unhealthy because you each scrutinize and analyze what the other needs to do...and this just never works because you each need to focus entirely on yourselves if you want to heal and grow.
I found with my son's addiction that I could not live in MY recovery and HIS addiction at the same time. It simply was not possible. The only way I could find my balance and my sanity again was to focus on me, my recovery and my life....regardless of how he chose to live his.
I hope you find peace, it comes from within. And I hope you know that YOU hold the key to your happiness, not him and not anyone else. When this makes sense to you, you will know that you are on the right path.
Hugs
Recovering!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by Ann 
Taking space from each other and each working on your own issues may help a lot. You can't work his recovery for him and he can't work yours. Trying to work all of this "together" is unhealthy because you each scrutinize and analyze what the other needs to do...and this just never works because you each need to focus entirely on yourselves if you want to heal and grow.
Originally Posted by shinebright7
Yeah, it is so hard. (((hugs))) I think it's really great you've given yourself some space apart to work on your own respective recoveries. I am new to this world of recovery, but my experience so far is that it is not possible to work on the relationship when we need to be focusing ourselves first.
Originally Posted by shinebright7
I am newly married, 8 months, and I am choosing to ignore the fact that I am married and what this whole thing could mean for my marriage because FIRST I have to get my own head straightened out. I am so hurt and angry and sad and a million things -- but I know that if I don't get myself straightened out, that my marriage will never be that great anyway. The only hope I have of a good marriage, as far as I'm concerned, is to forget about my marriage right now and put it in God's hands. I have to focus on me and then see where I am after that. My husband. My marriage. Those things can not be my priority right now.
Originally Posted by dollydo
Your intial post had red flags waving everywhere. His actions speak for themselves. Might be time to let go and start moving forward with your life, at this time, he is not marriage material. He has more than one issue, alcohol is one and cheating is another.
Originally Posted by dollydo
You deserve better, it is up to you to get it. Read Codependent No More and Women Who Love Too Much, both will help you.
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow
I am sorry for your pain and betrayal. That word honesty is a little tricky for some of us. Your bf may have confessed to his unfaithful behavior however, I do not find anything honest about him or his behavior.
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow
Keep working on you and your recovery. Healthy people make healthy choices. Sick people make sick choices.
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
it sounds like you are struggling with a sense of abandonment...the more absorbed he gets in HIS Life (He's taking senior level classes (and will get his degree in the spring, finally), working overtime to pay for his apartment on his own, and now he's adding recovery work to his plate) the more you feel left out or neglected. and yet you are still bound and determined to "get engaged" even tho you two have now moved to separate residences and he has brought the break up thing a few times.
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
why not just slow things way down....take the engagement, i need COMMITMENT stuff off the table and each of your work on your own stuff. relationships shouldn't be THAT hard. and if there is so much confusion and mixed signals and unmet needs NOW how on earth is getting engaged going to SOLVE anything?
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
remember the saying "if you love something, set it free - if it comes back to you its yours, if not it was never meant to be" ?? each of you deserve to be important in your own lives, and able to devote as much time and energy as needed into building healthy happy selves.
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