Thoughts racing around in my head....help!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 95
Thoughts racing around in my head....help!
Hi all, I'm not having a good day today. I'm drinking again due to absolutely crippling anxiety I had this morning. Crazy. My logical mind knows this only makes things worse, but still I do it. I went to my first AA meeting yesterday and loved it.....why am I still drinking and f***ing things up? I know I've not really got started properly in AA yet, no sponsor or anything, but I am so angry with myself. I wanted to go back to the same meeting today but now can't as I cannot now drive, plus I wouldn't disrespect the fantastic people there by turning up smelling of alcohol.
Also, I keep running through all the thoughts in my head. I'm going through a stressful time just now.....THAT'S why I'm drinking too much. I'll be FINE eventually. How can I ever go on vacation again without drinking? Heck, I'm a Brit living in the USA and am even worrying about getting through my next flight home to the UK without drinking (I have traditionally always drank in airports, even at 5 in the morning, hey airports are THE place you can do that and not be considered an alky, right?) and love flying home with British Airways who give you free booze on their flights.....madness when you think about it and terrible for alkies like us. When I first moved to the USA I used to fly with United, who charged you $7 for a little bottle of wine.....I was scandalised, lol, but maybe they had the right idea. I think the USA is somewhat ahead of the UK in being sensible about alcohol.
Anyhow, it just felt good to get these thoughts out on paper, as it were.
Also, I keep running through all the thoughts in my head. I'm going through a stressful time just now.....THAT'S why I'm drinking too much. I'll be FINE eventually. How can I ever go on vacation again without drinking? Heck, I'm a Brit living in the USA and am even worrying about getting through my next flight home to the UK without drinking (I have traditionally always drank in airports, even at 5 in the morning, hey airports are THE place you can do that and not be considered an alky, right?) and love flying home with British Airways who give you free booze on their flights.....madness when you think about it and terrible for alkies like us. When I first moved to the USA I used to fly with United, who charged you $7 for a little bottle of wine.....I was scandalised, lol, but maybe they had the right idea. I think the USA is somewhat ahead of the UK in being sensible about alcohol.
Anyhow, it just felt good to get these thoughts out on paper, as it were.
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
Hi Brit, Glad you joined the site. You can stop now and still go to another AA meeting. When I first started, I used to get really stressed out about not drinking ever again. Then I had to start looking at it as not drinking today. only today. ten it goes from there. 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 95
Thanks, Tamerua, for your response.
I'm also going through all the self-pitying rubbish.....'why me? Why can't I drink normally etc etc'. The thing is, though, normal drinkers don't ever have thoughts about being normal drinkers or not, I see that now.
Also, reading Sasha4s thread about her friend and his daughter.....that puts things in perspective and makes me hate myself even more for this self-pitying ridiculous nonsense. aaaaaargh!
I'm also going through all the self-pitying rubbish.....'why me? Why can't I drink normally etc etc'. The thing is, though, normal drinkers don't ever have thoughts about being normal drinkers or not, I see that now.
Also, reading Sasha4s thread about her friend and his daughter.....that puts things in perspective and makes me hate myself even more for this self-pitying ridiculous nonsense. aaaaaargh!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Get some phone numbers from the AA folks and buddy up with them.
Go to as many meetings as possible and go with others, it's easier in pairs/groups.
The fun of drinking is gone for you (and me) and we are left with getting sober or dying. Not just quitting drinking... but getting sober.
Drinking is like getting a brand new Visa card. Yippee !! Lots of fun !! ... now it's time to settle the bill.
Reach out to one of the AA oldtimers and ask them if they would help you save your life. They will.
All the best.
Bob R
Go to as many meetings as possible and go with others, it's easier in pairs/groups.
The fun of drinking is gone for you (and me) and we are left with getting sober or dying. Not just quitting drinking... but getting sober.
Drinking is like getting a brand new Visa card. Yippee !! Lots of fun !! ... now it's time to settle the bill.
Reach out to one of the AA oldtimers and ask them if they would help you save your life. They will.
All the best.
Bob R
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 95
Bob, thanks for your response. I know I need to throw myself into AA.
I've lurked on this site for ages before I joined, and always read your posts where you advocated AA so much. When I finally went to my first meeting yesterday, I met guys who I imagine are like you. Lovely Dads / Grandads, been sober for years. Really nice men who implored me to come back. Really nice women too.
I've lurked on this site for ages before I joined, and always read your posts where you advocated AA so much. When I finally went to my first meeting yesterday, I met guys who I imagine are like you. Lovely Dads / Grandads, been sober for years. Really nice men who implored me to come back. Really nice women too.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by britabroad 
Thanks, Tamerua, for your response.
I'm also going through all the self-pitying rubbish.....'why me? Why can't I drink normally etc etc'. The thing is, though, normal drinkers don't ever have thoughts about being normal drinkers or not, I see that now.
Also, reading Sasha4s thread about her friend and his daughter.....that puts things in perspective and makes me hate myself even more for this self-pitying ridiculous nonsense. aaaaaargh!
I'm also going through all the self-pitying rubbish.....'why me? Why can't I drink normally etc etc'. The thing is, though, normal drinkers don't ever have thoughts about being normal drinkers or not, I see that now.
Also, reading Sasha4s thread about her friend and his daughter.....that puts things in perspective and makes me hate myself even more for this self-pitying ridiculous nonsense. aaaaaargh!
As stated in my sig line.. self-pity is at the heart of our disease. And so is self hatred.
Welcome to alcoholism.... now you are finding why you drank so much
All the best.
Bob R
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Ireland
Posts: 9
It occured to me today that I'm the first of my friends to be going the sober route...and for a minute or two, I s'pose I did feel a pang, but for what? What am I giving up? I'm giving up feeling crap, not taking care of myself, doing things I don't remember, shakes in the morning, being broke, being unreliable, irresponsible, making an absolute fool of myself... Giving up nothing, really. GAINING a chance to be comfortable with myself, to take care of myself, to know that people's perception of me will be much closer to the truth now rather than meeting some drunken half-wit, picking fights with herself(I'm not a fun drunk)...I guess what I'm trying to say is you know in your gut that the way you are now is not what you desire your life to be. And you've got this awesome opportunity to change that. Take it
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Hi Brita,
I would suggest that you go back to your AA meeting today whether you are sober or not (maybe you can get a ride or take the bus).
Nowhere in AA does it say that you have to be sober to attend.
Tradition 3 clearly states:"“The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking.”"
When you read the big book, you will see that the way Bill, Bob and all the old timers maintained their own sobriety was by going on "12 steps" calls to other alcoholics who were still drinking or locked up in the psych ward.
This is highlighted in our 5th tradition:"Each group has but one primary purpose—to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers".
So please, do not feel self conscious about reeking of booze. A lot of us have been there. I attended quite a few meetings in the late 90s when I was still drinking (I knew I was an alcoholic but was not ready to quit)...actually I used to love mixing myself a rum and coke and read the big book LOL.
Anyway, big hug to you and hang in there.
I would suggest that you go back to your AA meeting today whether you are sober or not (maybe you can get a ride or take the bus).
Nowhere in AA does it say that you have to be sober to attend.
Tradition 3 clearly states:"“The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking.”"
When you read the big book, you will see that the way Bill, Bob and all the old timers maintained their own sobriety was by going on "12 steps" calls to other alcoholics who were still drinking or locked up in the psych ward.
This is highlighted in our 5th tradition:"Each group has but one primary purpose—to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers".
So please, do not feel self conscious about reeking of booze. A lot of us have been there. I attended quite a few meetings in the late 90s when I was still drinking (I knew I was an alcoholic but was not ready to quit)...actually I used to love mixing myself a rum and coke and read the big book LOL.
Anyway, big hug to you and hang in there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by Carlotta
Hi Brita,
I would suggest that you go back to your AA meeting today whether you are sober or not (maybe you can get a ride or take the bus).
Nowhere in AA does it say that you have to be sober to attend.
Tradition 3 clearly states:"“The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking.”"
When you read the big book, you will see that the way Bill, Bob and all the old timers maintained their own sobriety was by going on "12 steps" calls to other alcoholics who were still drinking or locked up in the psych ward.
This is highlighted in our 5th tradition:"Each group has but one primary purpose—to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers".
So please, do not feel self conscious about reeking of booze. A lot of us have been there. I attended quite a few meetings in the late 90s when I was still drinking (I knew I was an alcoholic but was not ready to quit)...actually I used to love mixing myself a rum and coke and read the big book LOL.
Anyway, big hug to you and hang in there.
I would suggest that you go back to your AA meeting today whether you are sober or not (maybe you can get a ride or take the bus).
Nowhere in AA does it say that you have to be sober to attend.
Tradition 3 clearly states:"“The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking.”"
When you read the big book, you will see that the way Bill, Bob and all the old timers maintained their own sobriety was by going on "12 steps" calls to other alcoholics who were still drinking or locked up in the psych ward.
This is highlighted in our 5th tradition:"Each group has but one primary purpose—to carry its message to the alcoholic who still suffers".
So please, do not feel self conscious about reeking of booze. A lot of us have been there. I attended quite a few meetings in the late 90s when I was still drinking (I knew I was an alcoholic but was not ready to quit)...actually I used to love mixing myself a rum and coke and read the big book LOL.
Anyway, big hug to you and hang in there.
Thanks, Carlotta. In the end I missed the meeting but am going tomorrow.
I don't know, I'd have hated to turn up reeking of drink.....in case I triggered someone, or....I don't know. I know everyone there turned up at the beginning desperate and some of them maybe still drunk.....it's just I was sober when I went yesterday and didn't feel right about turning up p*ssed. Plus there is very little public transport in the part of the USA that I'm in, and there was no way I'd drive now.
Thanks for the advice, though, and I'm going tomorrow no matter what, I'll get someone to take me if necessary. x
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
I promise that the "why me?!?" will go away. I've only been at this 90 days or so and I feel like a different person. Wish I would have lost some weight, but hey! Can't have it all at once! Lol
Get thee to the meetings, try to find some women's meetings too, those help me out a lot. And good luck!
Get thee to the meetings, try to find some women's meetings too, those help me out a lot. And good luck!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 429
Thanks for coming back & sharing its hard to admit when we can't get a handle on this, or when we relapse.
Nice thing is like they say in AA "We don't shoot our wounded"
You have started the process of reaching out.
Please keep asking & accepting help.
Prayers
Nice thing is like they say in AA "We don't shoot our wounded"
You have started the process of reaching out.
Please keep asking & accepting help.
Prayers
Doing Business Since 11/3/2012
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,143
Hey Brit. Sorry you're struggling. One thing someone said to me is that you will never offend anyone at an AA meeting. That may not be 100% true, but basically it is true. It's like SR. It's non-judging, supportive and understanding. They want you there.
I was at a meeting recently and an old timer said something like 'look, in the beginning sometimes you are just going to have to grit your teeth. It just takes determination and that's in your hands. That's just the way it is sometimes'. Just grit your teeth a bit, go for a run, and it will eventually get easier. Just no beer after the run.
Hang in and keep at it.
I was at a meeting recently and an old timer said something like 'look, in the beginning sometimes you are just going to have to grit your teeth. It just takes determination and that's in your hands. That's just the way it is sometimes'. Just grit your teeth a bit, go for a run, and it will eventually get easier. Just no beer after the run.
Hang in and keep at it.
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